How is it that some guys get lucky with women all the time? For Burt Olsen, luck has nothing to do with it. In The Floating Threesome he figured out a perfect way to persuade lots of women to have sex. The story unfolds in 11 short chapters. Burt makes his final choice in Chapter 9.
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The boat was almost ready. A sign painter came to the shop and put our sponsors' logos on the hulls. Jack complained that it ruined the appearance of his beautiful creation. "You are looking at this the wrong way," I said. "Think of all the race cars you've seen. Those cars are blanketed with logos. When people see that, what goes through their mind is 'Zoom Zoom Zoom!' That's what you want them to think."
"You make a good point," Jack said. "Since I don't have any choice, I'll try to look at it like that."
Taylor came into the office a bit later. She had made a great deal of progress on our social media promotions, and she was anxious to announce a departure date for the cruise. "When are we leaving, Burt?" she asked.
I took a deep breath and told her what happened, trying to be as honest and direct as possible. "Taylor, something completely unexpected has happened. I'm afraid I'm going to make this cruise with someone else. I fully intended to go with you, but our new sponsors made their contributions on the condition that I go with a woman who is a celebrity."
I told her about Maddy and her career as an Olympic athlete, including the fact that Maddy was the one who got all those corporate sponsorships in the first place. "I still want you to work on our promotions," I said. "And I'll make sure you are the model we use in our print ads. With all these donations, we'll be able to buy full-page ads in all the boating magazines. I'm sorry, Taylor. I know this has got to be a big disappointment. It happened in a way that was a complete surprise to me."
Taylor sat there silently. She was stunned. For months, I'd given her every reason to believe that this would be her first modeling opportunity. Her eyes began to well up with tears, but she did not start to cry.
"Does Maddy want to be a model?" Taylor asked.
"Yes. She's trying to find new things to do since she decided to stop competing in gymnastics. She's done modeling for the Olympics, and she wants to do more on her own. I think she wants to work getting sponsorships for other people. But she's got something that is very valuable. She's famous. That gold medal opens lots of doors. I'm sure you understand that having her appear in our online promotions will attract a lot of attention."
"Yes. Yes, it will," Taylor said. "Is she cute, at least? The plan was to have a crew of two hot people with a lot of sex appeal. What does she look like?"
I got out my phone and showed her a photo of Maddy adjusting the rigging as we sailed my boat. "She'll do," Taylor said. "She's got a nice girl-next-door vibe. If the girl-next-door is an elite athlete. She has very nice muscles. She'll photograph well."
"You have proven your value to me, Taylor," I said. "I promise I will keep looking for ways to include you in what we're doing. But you won't be the one to go on this cruise."
Taylor got an odd look on her face. I wondered if she was about to jump up and beat the crap out of me. She shook her head, looked me in the eye, and began telling me one of the most mind-blowing things I've ever heard.
"Burt, you've got this wrong. You've got to take me. It's settled. I've got to go on this cruise."
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I called Maddy, and she invited me to drive to her house and introduce her to Taylor. I didn't say much about what we needed to discuss, but she could tell it was important. "Wow. You're very pretty," Maddy said when she was introduced. "I think you're the prettiest girl I've met since I moved to Miami."
That was the right thing to say. Taylor never gets tired of hearing how gorgeous she is. "That is very gracious, Maddy," Taylor said. "You're pretty cute yourself."
She took us outside to the patio next to her pool and gave us each a cold bottle of water. "I'm dying to know what this is about," Maddy said.
"Let's start by saying that Taylor has been involved in our project for a long time. Months. She's very good with social media, and she's the reason we've gotten so much attention already. She's a wonderful entrepreneur."
"Not just a pretty face," Taylor said.
"Maddy, before I met you, I was pretty sure that Taylor would be going on the cruise with me," I said. "This morning I told her that you're going instead."
"Oh dear," Maddy said. "I had no idea I was competing with anyone. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Taylor said. "I always knew that Burt had to consider a lot of different women. When you advertise a modeling job, there's always a big response. It's part of the business."
"Still, I had no idea I was doing something that would end up disappointing anybody. You must have been very unhappy to get this news."
"That's the thing, Maddy. Nobody needs to be disappointed. I should go on the cruise with you and Burt. It's the best thing for everybody."
"Uh... I don't follow," Maddy said.
"It's simple. I'm sure you've heard Burt talk about the importance of sex in boat advertisements. I'm sure you've heard him say that a lot of people get boats because they think it will help them score with girls."
"I may have heard that one or two million times," Maddy said.
"It's absolutely true. I've looked at a lot of ads and promotions for sailboats, and they almost always include images of sexy men and women. It was always crucial that this thing look like a sex cruise, with two hot people in one hot boat taking a tour of the sexiest places on earth.
"Adding a second girl to the equation makes the whole thing much more effective. Think about it. If our photos include pictures of one sexy man with two sexy girls, it will give the impression that the whole trip is a floating threesome.
"The web will explode with interest. People will check our platforms every day to look for suggestions of romantic shenanigans. And we'll give them plenty to look at. We can upload the most suggestive text and photos imaginable, and I've got a pretty good imagination. Does this make sense to you?"
Maddy was quiet for a second. "You're absolutely right. It makes the cruise a much bigger deal for an online audience. Wow. I like it. We'll be famous. Sort of famous. I'd watch that. Make them wonder who's getting laid, and by who."
"Whom," I said.
"Yes Dad," Maddy said. "It's going to take me a little while to wrap my head around this, but I see exactly what you mean. Gee, this makes the cruise a bigger deal. I'd worried that not enough people would care. I'm not worried anymore. I can tell you that the sponsors are going to love this idea."
We talked about it for a while. I could tell that both women were also wrapping their heads around the idea that I'd obviously been intimate with both of them. I hoped it helped that I explained to Maddy that all this happened before we met. They didn't say anything, but that means nothing. It would be a while before I found out what they really thought.
"The boat is almost ready, and we don't have a lot of time before our cruise," I said. "Jack is arranging to put it in the water Friday. He and Mary are going to take it out Saturday. He's worried that he might have screwed up something he'll need to fix, but I've been through this before, and I'm sure this is just Jack's obsessive-compulsive disorder kicking in. The boat will be fine, and so will Jack. Can you ladies be ready for a cruise Sunday? We need to get familiar with the boat and each other."
"I'm in," Taylor said.
"Me too," said Maddy. "But I have a suggestion. Can we stop calling it 'the boat' all the time? It's got a name. It's the
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