The Feminist I Should Be

Chapter One

My name is Kailee and I'm not the feminist I should be.

It's not easy to exactly explain what I mean by that. After all, that word -"feminist"- means a lot of things to a lot of people. I am a feminist with

intentionality

. I know what assertiveness is. Also, fuck June Clever because I won't be raising kids and cooking for a husband. Not now, and probably not ever. No, I'd rather be like Simone de Beauvoir someone who understood love. Someone who gave ideal true natural love, not contract whore love.

I am still not the feminist I should be.

Assertive: that's a good trait. Doc Odem's gender and the media project requires it. A simple assignment and we need partners. First off, I've got no problem working with boys. It is

this

boy. The boy I'm looking at right now as our class shuffles out, the one guy who is smart enough to pull his weight in the assignment. He's the boy with an ironing board hard six-pack and a tight little ass. This is the one guy who better not have a partner yet. The one guy I have enough fuckin' rapport with. The one guy who is passing me up.

"Ade?" I say as he ignores me, "Ade, wait a minute please." Ade turned. He wasn't handsome he had too much brownish stubble around that jaw to be handsome. "Hey Kailee," he said with poker faced politeness. "Look Ade," I had rehearsed this over in my head a few times, "The gender and media project. We have to work with someone of the opposite gender." "Yeah I know," he replied flatly. "Okay... well... I still think that you're probably the best guy in the class," -Fuck... I wasn't supposed to say 'best guy'- "and we can probably work together, you know what I mean" trying to sound more official and platonic.

"I don't have a partner yet...." He said slowly, "but maybe...."

"What; you don't want to?" I interrupted.

"It's time," he asserted, "You think you can make time?" The look upon his face clearly telling me he could easily walk away, his stare just daring me to blink. I wasn't going to falter though. "Yes, I can make time." I replied with the same disconnection he afforded me.

"Good, you've got my number."

We both left the lecture hall and walked away. Why Ade had to act all anal with me I don't know or care. I am not going to think about why he still acts weird because now is Clara time.

Clara is my friend and the best girl to live with ever. Clara and I shared a room our freshman year in the co-ed dorm everyone called "the Pan." She was a feminist in her own ways. You see, she had done a lot of theater and dancing in high school. Now, in college, she put those skills to a liberated use at Blue Lagoon gentlemen's club. You can imagine me and her next to each other. I've got the right kind of cleavage for a low cut tank top and Clara's legs; well only the floor stopped them. When we went meeting the first floor boys, Clara and I were untouchably hot together.

One of those freshman year roommate double dates went something like this: Ade took me out and Clara went out with some guy Ade knew. I can't remember his name, but we were in Ade's car on the way home from the club. Clara and her date sat in the back sucking face, and groping each other like it was prom night in a limo. His erection could only have gotten harder as she shoved her hand down his pants and stroked it. They were so hot it nearly got me to put my hand down my shorts as I heard the smacks and exhales of each long kiss. As soon as we stopped, they said a breathy good-bye and ran up stairs. That left Ade and I in the car.

He held my hand. The rest of me followed him into the back seat. Did I tell you he had abs like a washboard? A product of all that running I remember thinking as I ran my fingers up and down his torso. I tickled the crevice of his abdomen. He moaned at every playful scratch I gave him and those moans made my cunt tingle. He reached out to grab my tit pushing up, and moved it in a hurried circle. I'd felt it before: senior year of high school. My hand grabbed his hand and held it. He kept thrusting his tongue into my mouth. Yeah, I was wet, but my legs crossed tight I wish they hadn't. Those stupid giggles, they just came out of me, so stupid. Clara had been sad for me the next day. I told her I didn't really want to fuck him because he was a track guy. Clara rolled her eyes and sighed at me. As for her date, she dished about feel of his cock in her mouth, his lips sucking at her clit, and the cow-girl ride she took until she came. She never mentioned the guy again. She's got no strings, Clara.

Now in the second semester of our junior year Clara and I were sharing a thin crust pizza between us, the day's study tasks were still on my mind. It was nice to look at something as pretty as Clara's dark sleek hair that fell around her neck. "It looks good, Clara, for the big weekend?"

"mmm hmm-," nodding her head in affirmation she turned her head to displayed the straight, shimmering, curtain with a grand smile. "Oh... that's got to be Lap dance money," I said with a grin.

With a laugh she admitted, "Yeah Johann hasn't seen it yet. He'll see it tomorrow at the 'big event'. I crossed my arms in a mock pout. "I'm still a little upset," I told her. Her eyes blew open at me, "What; I don't want to ruin the

surprise,"

a scheming look upon her face. "It's your birthday this weekend and you still won't tell me where we're going Saturday night."

Best friends, boyfriends, and birthday competition: I'd have Clara all to myself Friday night. Saturday night was her actual birthday. She made plans with Johann --they'd been seeing one another now for nine months- but it wasn't some exclusive thing. I was coming along too. I had gotten over the third wheel thing, just barely.

"Because we just found the place," she pulled out her phone, fiddled with it and displayed it for me. The picture was a nice cottage look with a huge deck. "Right on the beach too, two stories, it's there."

"Wow," I said with a happy giggle, "so... what is going on?"

"Big party, live DJs, It'll be fun."

"Clara... how did Johann get this set up?" I asked. Clara laughed, "It's not just for me. I wish! No Johann found the place... friend of a friend type thing? It's almost a party crash, except they know we'll be there."

"Not crashing huh?" It was a damn nice looking house, "But what is he doing for

you?

I mean your birthday... he's better do something other than just take you to a party..."

Clara snickered wickedly.

"What?"

"You'll see."

Chapter Two

She never told me, but a clear and cool Saturday night came. Johann, Clara, and I walked in as the party was going. Clara had her tight spaghetti string red top on with just enough of her midriff on display. I matched her with my low cut one piece dress that let my legs out. Johann --well you can imagine how he felt- strutted in down the hall with deliberate nonchalance. He got his high-fives and chesty man-hugs from his bros. He pulled a friend aside and I was introduced as a friend of his girlfriend. He said his name was Colin and in tight black tank-top, Dickies jeans, and a hard hand shake.

"Nice dress Kailee," he asserted "Nice tank top," I retorted. "Yeah... well stop staring please..." he said with the most natural glint you'd ever seen, "you're making me feel all creepers." I bit my lip a just a bit. I couldn't tell if he knew I had suppressed a smile. He turned to Johann and invited us over to the one free table in the house. Clara sat on Johann's lap while I took the chair next to Colin. Johann announced a game of never-have-I ever, and gestured for another girl to join us. Before it was done, I had revealed oral sex in a public bathroom and an awkward experiment with a sixty-nine position. Colin had once drunkenly fucked a girl on a dorm lawn.

In the end Clara and the other girl were down to the group whore contest. Colin broke his poker face and announced, "Never have I ever experimented with lesbianism." We all stared at Clara and her competitor. "I'm not a whore!!" the blonde girl cried as she helplessly laughed at herself. "No," said Clara, "whores do it for money."

"It's curiosity! Just like 69 girl here!" she pointed at me. I stared her down like a gunslinger. "Drink, you slut," I ordered. She complied, her face flushed.

"It's the rules, do you really think you're not a slut?" said Johann. "Don't call her that..." said Clara as she play-slapped Johann.

"I thought we discussed this," said Johann, "you remember last week you me and Kailee had a long talk about this. You were telling me that a slut is not a whore and that being a slut was actually a good thing because it um... what's the word?" Clara cut him off by yanking his hair back. She gave him a huge open-mouthed kiss.

"Okay, well me and 69-girl are getting up now" Colin stated. He tugged at my hand. I was carried along reflexively. "You coming too, Johann?" he inquired. Clara covered her mouth with her hand and whispered into Johann's ear. "Ah no, you two go dance. We'll be around..."

Colin had me outside before I knew it. There were Bodies grinding all around me to the drones of the bass beat. Yeah, I could tell he was pea cocking at me, which is good, because I craved his pecks. I clawed at his torso. I palmed his pecks both in each hand. He just kept dancing while I watched his shoulders move to the music. My ass taunted his crotch, by the second song, I clasped my hands around his neck and locked my eyes with him. My cleavage was on displayed for him and my nipples had to be poking through by now, fucker held his eyes on mine. Why didn't he just stare at my tits like he was supposed to? What would he do when I spread my legs and let his thick thigh come between them? I was getting a bit wet against his body. I think he could tell. Colin kissed my neck as the music changed pace. My eyes closed as I soaked in the affection.

Some frat boy hollered something. I turned towards the commotion. The crowd formed in a circle somewhere in the beach house. It was a good interruption, I gave Colin a return kiss and stepped through the door to the inside pushing through bodies. My skin flushed when I saw it.

Johann, shirtless like a lifeguard, lay sprawled out on his back. Every one of his muscles was displayed. Clara kicked her leg in the air. Then she straddled him pumping her hips on top of his cock. She rubbed he tits. She grabbed the bottom of her top. It was tossed off in flash, her tits falling out her nipples pointed and thick. The guys and even the girls cheered at the liberation. Johann smiled as he groped Clara's mounds, pulling her tits to his face as he moved in. I was so close to them. I was close enough to hear his lips smack as he sucked, pulled, and released each one of nipples. Clara threw hear head back her lips parted into an excited laughter. Johann pulled her down and flung his arms above his head, expectantly. Clara tossed her shimmering hair to the side and they locked lips. That torso, every line of definition was caressed by Clara's soft fingers. He responded only with moans.

Amidst the smell of liquor and sweat I could catch the wafts of my own wetness. It was well through my panties now. My mouth opened as my breathing became slow and heaving. My body ached and burned at me. Clara moved down the center of his six pack, the things she did with her mouth made him pant. The hollers and cries for what would come next erupted, I wanted it too.

Applause broke out when Clara yanked off Johann's pants, his turgid cock springing out. She spit all dirty on top of it, and licked it until the shaft glowed with both spit and pre-cum. She turned for the crowd tossed off her skirt with a single, sensual, dancer's movement. I hadn't realized she wore no panties tonight. She squatted onto his face and leaned down towards his cock. Clara's tasted it slowly, painting it with her tongue. Johann groaned. I salivated at the sound. He opened his mouth lapping at the surface of her bare pussy. She parted her lips with the swollen head and swallowed his cock; they let out loud muffles together. Then Clara's stomach tightened and convulsed, her moans reaching a rhythmic crescendo. Finally, she threw her head back and wailed as the orgasm shook her body as drips of his cum dribbled from her lip.

My breaths ragged as I panted, my flesh getting hotter and hotter. The burning feeling steamed out with every shallow exhale. Clara stood up moving to straddle Johann's cock. She yelped as it glided into her. Then Johann began to piston upward with the speed of some merciless jackhammer. The crowd applauded as Clara, with tits pointed skyward, panted in a trance of joy. Johann kept thrusting like he'd never stop. Pushing my way through that sweaty crowd I dashed into a bathroom. Locking the door I braced myself against the wall with one hand, and swat my own cunt with the other. I kept at it until I shook from the orgasm that was pent up inside me. I fell against the wall like a dummy as outside Clara wailed. The crowd cheered as Johann gave Clara the best birthday gift of her life.

Chapter Three

Ade and I were at the library café. We sat across from each other as good partners should. We both stared down at a list of questions. "Ade, what did Doc Odem say again, rule number one?"

"Avoid asking interviewees 'yes' or 'no' questions."

"So what kind of questions does he want us ask?"

"Please stop tapping your pen on the table."

"Huh? What?" Then I realized what I was doing. I bet I looked really stupid.

"Doc Odem said. Open ended questions, hypothetical questions." Ade said, returning to my question, "any ideas?"

How would you react if your best friend had sex in public? I thought.

"Um....can you give an example of a time you thought that a man or woman was objectified in a film or television show?"

"Okay..." Ade wrote the question down, "Doc. Odem also said to ask questions that assume a positive response..."

What inspires you to have exciting, exhibitionist, sex? I thought to myself again.

"How about, 'what is the best example of a sexual relationship you've seen in movies or television?'" Ade offered.

"Movies are always idealized and patriarchal," I rebutted, "Let's change it to, 'what is the most realistic, but still happy, romantic relationship you've seen in TV or movies?'"

Ade nodded as he wrote it down. "Wait..." he stalled, "shouldn't we like, -not- censor questions because they might be patriarchal?"

Was it still patriarchal? Who was in the position of power that night? Did Clara objectify herself? No of course not. It was who she was. The dancer, the stripper, it was her birthday present and she loved it. I'm sure Johann loved it too. All eyes on him and his girl, but was she a trophy for him? I don't know. That was how they loved it, Johann loves to fuck and Clara loves to be seen. That night was not the first time I saw them fuck. The first time I was nearly passed-out drunk on a couch in our apartment after a party died down. He was just another hook-up then. "Shouldn't we go to the bedroom?" Clara whispered after they kissed. "Why would we want to do that?" He continued unabated. Clara placed her hands on his chest.

"No wait, Kailee always says "no sex on the couch..."

Johann moved both her hands off his chest. He brought them around to the base of her back. Both his arms held them there. She faced him, locked in his hug. "Kailee is out, the couch is comfortable." He pecked her on the lips, "so this is where I'm going to fuck you now."He didn't let her hands budge. He planted kisses on her bare neck and around her half exposed tits as he pleased. I could hear her breathing.

"Now, get naked," he told her.

Only then did he release her hands. Clara stripped off every last bit of her clothes. She stood their nude in front of him. He shoved her hands down into the couch. Then and only then did I see him lose his shirt. How I loved watching them that night! I loved the sight of Johann's unbreakable rhythm while she was pinned down at her shoulders. Those breathy, quiet gasps and his whispered grunts were the sweetest sound I'd ever heard.

"Kailee! Are you with me here?" Ade said. I was shaken back into the present.

"What?"

"That's got to be the third time I've brought you back to real world." Crossing his arms and glaring at me.

"I'm paying attention!"

"Is this just your general flakiness, or is it an extra dose this time?" Ade retorted.

"Hey!"

"Look," Ade continued as he uncrossed his arms and held his hands open towards me, "You've gotten weird on me more than once. More than research partners..."

I froze my eyes like a deer in headlights. Why did he even still remember?

"...but you chose

me.

So if there is something weird going on"

"Nothing is weird," I interjected , "totally nothing weird at all."

"So should we or should we not censor questions?"

"Oh... okay yeah I think I can phrase it better."

Ade and I went back and forth like that for what felt like all afternoon finally settling on a list of ten questions even though our goal had been fifteen.

Later that night, Clara and I watched the minutes run out during medieval lit class. Long droning lectures by professor Wittenhaus. His eyes tended to dart around the room and he'd gesture with his jazz hands. Sometimes he would say things like, "therefore, God is triangle". It was funny somehow but I just didn't get it. Texting Clara, like we always did, with a fussy "let's talk right after."

"So what's on your mind?" she asked when we stepped out into the lawn. I bit my tongue as another group of students walked by. "Thinking about your birthday, when you did it, did you feel completely objectified?"

"What?" Clara's nose scrunched like she smelled something bad.

"No" I face palmed, "What I mean is did you feel like a slut, the girl power slut?"

"Oh okay," Clara smiled in relief as she put her hand on me shoulder to forgive my poor choice of words. She paused a moment to choose hers carefully. "It's kind of like two things going together you know, like I am a slut but his slut."

"What do you mean by "'his slut'" I inquired.

"It's not like I am his trophy, but it sort of is. It's like we are each other's trophies and everyone needs to know that."

"That's why?"

"Yeah Kailee," Clara said, the proud memory written all over her face. "I wanted to perform with him. I loved it. No one gets to fuck him but me, and we both look hot when we're doing it. No one else gets to look as hot or as hot in the right way as we do."

"It's like your pole-dancing then; I mean you always tell me that it is your best job ever because that's the power slut too."

"Yeah... it's like that Kailee, It's good for Johann too. He likes know that other guys want to fuck me, but he's the one who gets to do it." I thought back to that first time I saw them fuck, the very first time, that feeling of admiration of their freedom. "You so want to get fucked like that, don't you Kailee?" Clara grinned right through me.

"I uh..."

"Let's just grab a guy and let his dick fall into you tonight. How about that Colin guy? We can even get Johann and his brothers to watch," her words trailing off. I giggled at the thought. "I don't want...." I stammered.

"Baby steps, first, Kailee," Clara reassured me.

Chapter Four

The windows are closed and the doors are locked. Three cell phones sit on the end table next to me. I demanded they be accounted for. I rub my naked body against the sheets on top of soft arm chair. It cradles me.

"Are you ready?" Said Clara looking up at me, she held out a pink handled clippers and wax. I looked at my fully clothed friend. My legs opened up, Clara warmed up the lather in her hands, making a wet slapping sound. Then I felt tingles and warmth as she worked it into my bush. My body tensed as she worked the lather through my neatly trimmed pussy hair. "I can't believe it has taken us so long to do this" a wide and giddy grin adorning Clara's face. Each tug of the strip panged the mons of my cunt. The room was quiet save for that ripping sound. I shivered with each affectionate scratch. Clara rinsed me with a bowl of water. I opened my eyes and saw my lips bare, shimmering, and smooth. Something in the back of my mind told me to close my legs, but I refused that little voice.