The rain that had gathered on the cement of the steps that led to her apartment patted and made small splashes as my feet touched down and lifted during the ascent to her front door.
Why was I doing this?
It was so risky and could not go any way other than horribly.
But the truth was, this was happening because it had to. Pressure that builds needs a release or a weakness within the structure in which it's contained will crack and the results can be catastrophic.
This goes as much for a human mind as it does for a high-pressure boiler.
It was chilly for October and the dampness that hung suspended in the air only added to the bite that seemed to plant an ache into my bones. I bunched my fists together through the down lined pockets of my jacket, pulling the sides in tight to my ribs for one more warming hug. Then, taking a deep breath, I withdrew my right hand from this blessed warmth and knocked on her front door.
After a moment, the door, colored a deep azure blue by thick coats of splitting paint, opened inwards. An aluminum screen door separated us, but there was no mistaking the eyes that stared out from the gloom of her foyer into the gloom of this Fall afternoon.
Large. Dark brown. Surprised. Tracy's eyes.
"Sean! What are you doing here?"
It was a reasonable question.
Though I was extremely fond of this woman and got along with her very well, she was really my wife's friend. Her best friend, actually. So my being there without the visa of my Melody's companionship was a bit...odd.
Plus there was always tension between us. It stretched back over more than a decade—from before I even knew Melody. Tracy was someone I would see around and she reminded me of Edie Brickell, a singer I had a huge crush on at the time so she instantly caught my eye. We never talked but the attraction was obvious and the attention mutual. Then later, after melody and I got together, she started dating my friend Kevin and we became de facto "couple friends".
"I was just walking to the store and I saw your car..."
She looked through the screen door towards the driveway where her car was parked.
"And I thought I'd stop by and say 'hi'."
Looking back at me, her head cocked a fraction to the right and drew back, tilting her fine jawline upwards. A tiny frown creased her forehead—this was all obviously very unexpected.
My hands were jammed back in my coat pockets, arms clamped to my sides. She took notice of how cold I was and pushed the screen door open.
"Sure! Great! Come in, come in, out of the cold!"
Her left arm was extended along the length of the screen door, holding it open for me. Her body leaning slightly outward to ensure it was wide enough to get though.
I turned my back to her and slid into the entrance way, taking care not to brush up against her breasts. (Which I had quickly glanced at just before I moved forward.)
I never could help myself with her. When she was around, I just had to look.
At her ass when she bent over to pick up a glass that needed refilling. At the tight crotch of her jeans as she uncrossed her legs to stand up and usher Melody and I to the front door after after one of our "couples visits" when she and Kevin were still together.
At her hands...imagining the things they did to her body. The things I wanted to do.
______
What spurned this on—well, part of it, anyway—was the fact that she and Melody shared everything with each other. During their "girl's hang" nights on the couch they would talk openly about the sex they were having, the men they wanted to fuck (but couldn't for various reasons). The ways they masturbated and where. The size of my dick (not huge, just over 7 inches, curving slightly to the left —Tracy LOVED details.)
On and on it went with almost no subject off-limits.
These confidences would later be relayed to me by Melody and we would sometimes fuck while talking about them. It seemed her friend was just as attractive to her as she was to me so Melody would speak with real hunger in her voice as she described Tracy's tits (heavy c-cup with medium brown nipples—as big around as silver dollars), or her pussy: a trimmed but densely thick dark brown bush.
She'd glimpsed these incredible, almost unimaginably desirable sights when the two of them would go to the local community center to swim. In the change room, Melody would pay careful yet discreet attention as each article of Tracy's clothes would slide off so that we both could relish every curve of this woman's body later when we were together.
______
I slipped off my shoes as she moved by me and continued down the long hallway that led past her kitchen, into the living room proper. I followed, unzipping my coat, glancing around at the sparse but tasteful furnishings.
Tracy stood between the couch and the coffee table motioning with her arm in a casual, welcoming gesture, "Have seat!"
She picked up a can of soda from the coffee table and took a sip.
"You want one?" she asked.
"No, I'm good," I said as I settled into a large cream colored chair that sat next to the sliding patio doors that lead out to the small deck off the side yard. It's where we'd barbecue sometimes in the summer.
She chatted a bit about what she'd been up to since we last hung out, the weather—small stuff.
I was having trouble focusing and wasn't giving much in the way of conversation besides one-syllable answers.
"What's going on?" she asked.
A bit startled I refocused my eyes hoping I hadn't been staring at her tits or between her legs or something. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"You seem...I don't know, distant? Out of it? What gives?"
The pace of my heart quickened, and my chest suddenly contained heavy fullness that carried an edge of panic with it.
Her question was the door, the way into my asking what I came here for, but now that the opening had presented itself I just couldn't seem to force the words from my mouth.
I sat forward in the chair and looked into her eyes.
Familiar eyes that seemed nothing but concerned. Curious. Friendly.
"Look, I'm sorry," I said.
"I'm sorry if this is...weird or uncomfortable....or...uh..I don't know! I am completely out of my depth here," I continued. "And out of my head."
Tracy moved forward on the couch mimicking my posture. My position was screaming "Make sure you've got a fast way OUT OF HERE!!" hers simply conveyed interest and, what, support?
Whatever it said, it made me feel at ease enough to continue.
"You know I've had a thing for you for a long time. Forever!"
She laughed and I went on.
"And I know what you and Melody talk about when I'm not around. The kinds of things you talk about."
"What 'kinds of things'?" she asked, her brown eyes glinting, a bit of a tease in her voice.
The tease made me both bold and uncomfortable in equal measure.
"Well, sex stuff," I said.
After a pause I added, "Obviously."
I shifted in my seat and ran my hands though my hair.
She was enjoying my discomfort and her smiled broadened as she crossed her legs, leaning into my space a little more.
"OK...," she said the trailing off, inviting me to continue.
"Like she told me that you made a video of yourself masturbating to show to Kevin, but that you were too shy to show him in the end."
This took her aback and her smile faltered.
"She told you about that?"
