Corporate policy in these situations is that we must be in pairs when checking potentially traumatic material, ordinarily I'd sit with Vanessa, one of the support desk engineers but she's got young kids and had booked the day off to take them to Legoland. I'm not sure she didn't have the right idea. Instead, I asked Ieuan to sit in with me, he's twenty-three years old, quite sporty with an unruly mop of bright ginger hair. I chose him because he's gay and the dynamic of sitting all day documenting porn can get strained at the best of times, with some of the still living at home aged nearly forty, dragon T shirt wearing bearded types I work with it would be genuinely uncomfortable. Plus, Ieuan has a similar sense of humour to me so worst case we'd have a chuckle.
We checked ourselves into what is commonly known as the Adult Movies Suite, it's an office with its own internet connection that doesn't connect to our network at all, not even via firewalls, so it's safe to connect to questionable sites without compromising our own system's integrity.
I'd downloaded the meta data behind the links and noted that while they seemed to have wildly differing URLs, which mainly corresponded to what the site was about, they seemed to be hosted in half a dozen different domains, so we decided to work by domain alphabetically, just so we had a system really.
I was pleased to see Tim Cherry's tastes were mainly misogynist rather than traumatising, lots of subservient women serving their master; maids, cleaners, nurses, all submitting to men in positions of power or authority, all young with big boobs. He also seemed interested in restoring classic vehicles and machinery, and there were a few sites that combined his two areas of study. Veesntwins.com was one such, old motorbikes with tattooed naked women draped over them. I made a note to tease Rich about it when I saw him next. Another had a photo shoot on a steam engine, black smuts on plastic breasts as they stoked the fire, then a blanket on the footplate as something else got stoked, and one in what looked like an old biplane, leather flying jackets with stockings, chocks away, tally ho. That sort of thing. Ieuan and I were having trouble not giggling at some of it.
I had already mentioned Veesntwins to Rich, he's a friend of my husband who's into restoring old bikes and cars, he very kindly, nay selflessly, checked the website and returned a very scathing review. The supposed restoration on the bikes was to a very poor standard he told me. Parts seemed to have been bolted on using mole grips or hammers leaving marks on the metal work. There were parts missing, like fuel lines and brake lines and one series of films started with a four-cylinder Kawasaki engine and ended up as a two-cylinder Triumph engine, the supposed custom Harleys were apparently Chinese knock-off copies. Oh, and the girls didn't know what they were doing in a workshop, apart from the obvious.
We carried on, I skipped through the Intimate Encounters photo set, largely because I didn't want to spoil my own memories but also because it was on the milder and more tasteful end of the scale and after the shit had violated my house with his sleazy presence I was after stuff that would make him look worse. Fortunately, there was a fair amount of that as well. Casting what I now thought of as my own experienced eye over the images and movies the girls looked bored rather than aroused, their sex noises sounded fake and forced and most of them had really bad boob jobs that looked like half a football had been slipped under their skin, or half a basketball in some cases. Like I said, none of it was traumatising but it was clearly well out of any grey areas and well past the line that said, 'Acceptable private use of the Internet in the workplace.'
Things got a little darker in the afternoon, he went through a gang-bang phase where anything from three to ten people took turns penetrating one or sometimes two girls in every possible point of access. I say people because there were a number of series where tattooed short haired women used sex toys on seemingly reluctant women dressed as schoolgirls or cheerleaders.
The next set of websites were mostly stories about fathers and daughters, mainly with teenaged daughters, played by thirty-year-old women with cheap boob jobs, seducing their father or shagging him because he was lonely or asking him to teach them about blowjobs, I had to go and have some tea after those sessions. In fact, I had such a case of crawling skin I needed half a packet of Jaffa Cakes to sustain me.
We carried on through the afternoon finally finishing around five thirty which considering I was supposed to be on holiday was a lot later than I'd normally be happy about. Ieuan prepared the log and I signed it off as the senior member of the team, transferred the log and links to a new 64Gb data stick and signed out a clean laptop with a 4G connection ready for the disciplinary hearing on Monday.
Ieuan's partner was at thirty thousand feet until around seven thirty on his way back from Alicante as co-pilot on an Airbus A320 so when I suggested dropping into the Beggars Arms where my husband Jonny and his mate Rich were enjoying their usual Friday evening put the world to rights beer he jumped at the chance. Twenty minutes later my MX-5 was parked outside Rich's house which is a two-minute walk from the pub, and we were in the lounge bar with a large Frascati for me and a pint of Doom Bar for Ieuan, which disappeared almost as soon as he'd looked at it. I'd forgotten what twenty-three-year-olds can drink like.
Ieuan went off and got another round in, I tried passing but he came back with pints each for Rich and Jonny and another Frascati, cementing his bloke credentials with three packs of pork scratchings and a pack of sweet popcorn for me, because it was in a pink packet and I'm a girl. I gave him a daggers look, but I do like sweet popcorn and I hate pork scratchings so I found it hard to justify my annoyance. I was still annoyed mind.
While he'd been away Jonny had asked what my day had been like, he knew what I'd been doing and I think he was trying to get me to describe it in front of his mate, I played a straight bat and just said "Checking some confidential files ready for an HR hearing on Monday." Which was correct on every count but didn't tick the 'wife talking dirty to show off to my mate how hot she is" box. The thing is I knew Rich knew how hot I am, I'd walked in on him looking at a series of shots of me in lingerie a few weeks earlier. He didn't know I knew and Jonny certainly didn't know, I didn't want to ruin the friendship so hadn't told him about it. Of course, there was always a possibility that everyone knew and we were all double bluffing everyone else but I hope not, life's confusing enough as it is.
All that aside when Ieuan got back to the table Rich used all his cunning and ingenuity and asked what we'd been doing all day.
"Oh, you know, we've been paid to sit and look at Porn all day. Mainly man on woman, with a bit of lesbian stuff. Not really my sort of thing, we just had to log it for a disciplinary on Monday."
They totally missed the 'not really my thing' clue and went down the giggly schoolboy path with "Yeah, I'd hate that. What a tough life, not all heroes wear capes mate." Which set all three of them off. I shook my head and pretended to regret bringing my colleague along. Ieuan was recounting how I'd pointed out the shocking mechanical standards on the bike restorations, which got Rich puffed up with pride "That was me that was, I pointed that out. Do you want me to be an expert witness? I'd be great at that." He gripped his T shirt where Lapels would be on a jacket. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you to ignore the ugly slappers in the foreground and concentrate instead on the hideous work on the motorcycles. That Z1000 lump has lost two cylinders and the water-cooling jacket and is now masquerading as a 650cc Triumph twin."
I told him to stop as he was boring me now, but he was on a roll. "Hey Lou, is this the bloke that came round your place yesterday? He needs sorting out, properly. Where does he live? I could go past late one night..."
"Enough. No, well, yes, but I can't talk about it. And you are not going anywhere near anyone's house," I pointed at Jonny as well, "Neither of you. Get it?"
I stood up, leaving one of my glasses of wine unfinished. "Come on Jonny, let's go home, Ieuan? Are you ok from here?"
The younger man picked up his pint, looked at Rich who looked at the bar and went to get a couple of refills. "Yeeaahhh. Craig can pick me up on the way through. Hey, Rich mate, Curry?"
Blokes. Honestly, beer, curry, instant bonding.