I know it may sound strange, but I have always told my mother everything. After I first had sex, the first person I told about it, even the first I even thought about saying anything to, was my mom. I didn't think of telling my friends, a priest, or a teacher at school. My first impulse was to tell my mother about what had happened: what I had experienced. She just listened, then nodded, and smiled. Then she reminded me that I had responsibilities when I took that step. I said I knew I did, although in truth I had no idea what she was talking about.
When the guys got a hold of some beer and I tried it, she said I probably shouldn't tell my dad. "He may just ground you on principles," she said with a smile. When I was considering getting married, I went right to Mom. When that marriage was headed for the rocks, the first person I mentioned that to was her. She shook her head, said she wondered about that, and put her hand on mine.
"You need to do what's best for you," she said, without a bit of judgement in her voice. That was what I always loved about going to her. She didn't judge. She would tell me her opinion, if I asked, but she would not lecture or fuss. My dad would start out on a national lecture tour after I said anything to him about anything.
That's why, when Claire and I started thinking about opening up our relationship, I went right to her. Again, she listened, nodded, and smiled. "Many people are doing that," she said. "Not sure it would work for me, but I have wondered about it."
"You have?" I said with a gasp.
"Of course. Everybody wonders about it," she said, reassuringly. "It is just natural that you would think about it. Sure, I suppose most people do. She didn't say, "Be careful. You are making a mistake."
The proof of how she felt was a few weeks later when she asked about Claire and her new friend. Not an ounce of judgement, concern, or lectures about sin or damnation. She simply asked how Claire was doing with her friend. Friend was mother's euphemism for lover. Not that she wouldn't say lover, but she didn't want to label it with any prejudgement.
She asked if I had a friend and I told her not yet. She didn't say, "Oh good. I am so glad. You have not gone to hell yet." She just smiled and said she hoped I would, and I knew that she meant it. She did ask if Claire stayed with him. I said no, we were not there at the present time. "Maybe later," I said. I said I didn't know what would happen there. "So far," I said, "it was just dates."
"I have wondered how couples manage that," she said. "I have read about it, but I don't know anyone who is doing it, at least not that I know of. However, you may be surprised. It could be our next door neighbor and you'd never know," she said with a nod. "I did meet some people a few years ago who had a three-way marriage," she said. "They were the nicest people. One woman and two men. I thought she was a lucky girl, actually."
When I left I felt good that I had told her, and I told Claire I had talked to my mother about our arrangement. "Did she warn you?" I said she didn't. I said that she had wondered about it herself. Claire was surprised, but that was my mother, she often surprised you.
After she thought about it, Claire said she might take him by to meet my mother. "My mother would actually like that," I said. "It would make her feel we trusted her. That we cared enough to include her in our lives," I said. My wife agreed and said that was what she always liked about my mother.
"She never makes you feel like you're stupid for doing what you've just done. There is always a 'you know what you did and don't need me to get after you about it' quality to her."
When Claire took Ryan by to meet my mother, she called me to tell me she liked him. "He seems like a nice young man," she said. "I am glad she picked someone who is not a jerk."
"Claire doesn't like jerks," I said.
"Thank God," Mom said and I could almost hear her wink on the phone.
When I told mother I had met 'a friend' she said she would love to meet her. I was actually eager for Nancy to meet my mom. When I told her Claire was traveling through Spain with Ryan she said a typical thing for her to say. "Oh, she'll love Spain," she said, without a bit of mother-in-law like judgement. "Are they going to Madrid?" she asked with interest.