The red and blue lights in the rear windows of the conversion van caused an even greater knot in my stomach. I hated to drive the conversion. It was huge compared to my A4 Audi. It handled like shit, lumbered slowly up to speed on the highway entrance ramp, and every breeze in the wind caused the side of the van to act as sail and move it back and forth in the lanes. I also had two speeding tickets and one DUI in the last year.
I slowed the van down and eased to the side of the interstate making sure I cleared enough room for the officer to approach the van.
I had my driver's license at the ready and I kept checking my left rear view mirror waiting for the policeman. I was startled when there was a knock on the passenger window and a face peered around the passenger side window. I hit the down button on the power window and was startled again when the voice was that of a woman and not a man.
"Your license and registration please," the policewoman said with authority.
I handed her my license and I reached over to the glove department and found the registration. I handed the document to her.
"Turn off the engine and remain in your vehicle," the officer instructed me.
I quietly sat in the van wondering what the offense was that I was stopped for. It seemed like forever until she came back with my license and the registration. As she approached the van, a second police car came and pulled in front of me.
The traffic was quite heavy for a mid July evening. The sun had nearly set and the dust from the day could be seen in the reddening western sky.
"Mr. Edwards, My name is officer Tammy Tuttle. You were stopped for weaving from lane-to-lane. Also, there has been an irregularity found with your license and registration," the officer explained to me in her clipped and official voice.
"I'm not sure what you mean by license irregularities and I can assure that this van is a monster to handle," I tried to explain to the Officer Tuttle.
Officer Tuttle cut me off, "That is no excuse for endangering others on a major interstate Mr. Edwards. The interstate is too busy to have this conversation at this time."
I thought she was going to let me go with a warning but she completed her sentence, "Follow Officer Wolf to the next exit ramp.
Shit. I started the van and followed the police car in front of me for another mile to the exit ramp. Officer Tuttle was right behind me. Little did I know this positioning was to be played out again. Both of the patrol cars turned their lights off as we made our way down the ramp.
We turned right and went about a half-mile from the highway turning into the parking lot of a shuttered restaurant. Officer Wolf was first out of her car and told me to pull my van next to her cruiser with the passenger side facing the old restaurant.
I maneuvered the van a few feet from Officer Wolf's car and Officer Tuttle pulled in behind me.
"Mr. Edwards, please exit the van and stand next to your vehicle," Officer Wolf called out to me.
I got out and stood next to the black conversion van wearing my cutoffs, t-shirt, and sandals.
Officers' Tuttle and Wolf both came up to me and stood in front and to my right. Officer Tuttle began. "It appears that the registration for the temporary plates expired a week ago Mr. Edwards. This vehicle cannot be operated and it will have to be towed to the impound lot."
I looked at both of the officers'. "We never got the plates from the dealer and my wife must have forgotten about them" I tried to explain.
Officer Tammy Tuttle was about five eight, slightly overweight but curvy. Her uniform could barely contain her breasts. I was guessing 38 C's or maybe a D cup for her. Her hair was tucked under her hat.
Officer Tracey Wolf was shorter, about five six, and skinnier. Her chest was also large but not disproportionate to her body. She was a blonde with dark roots. Her hand was also on the butt of her trooper special.
Officer Wolf responded, "Just like a typical guy, always blaming your wife for the stuff you don't get done around the house. Let me guess, next you're gonna tell Tammy and I that the van's a mess cause the kids trashed it and she never cleaned it up?"
I looked off into the dark roadway not knowing what to say or how to respond.
"Well, are you going to answer Officer Wolf?" Officer Tuttle pointedly asked me.
"I, I, I, well I never blamed her for the mess in the van," I stammered for a poor response.
"Horseshit!" Officer Wolf responded. "Get your ass over to the other side of the van and get the side doors open and let's look at the cleanliness of that van."
All three of us walked around the front of the van and it dawned on me that there were a few skin books that I threw in the back with the six pack of beer that I bought at the store a half hour ago.
Slowly I opened the door and the overhead lights went on in the rear seating area. The plush bench seats and captain's chairs in were now visible in the very dark parking lot. I also noticed that not many cars came by this part of town.
The two officers peered in and looked around. There was the usual junk of juice boxes, crayons, paper, and pencils on the floor. "Looks alright to me," Officer Wolf said.
I began to breathe a sign of relief.
Officer Tuttle looked behind the back seat and saw the brown paper bag. Without saying a word, she reached back and pulled out the bag.
"Lookee what we got here Tracey," Officer Tuttle rejoiced in her discovery.
Officer Wolf got behind me, her hand on the butt of her gun, while Officer Tuttle opened the bag.
"Let's see what contraband Mr. Edwards has here," Tuttle said to both of us.
Officer Tuttle pulled out the six pack of beer. "Looks like a little party was gonna happen," Officer Wolf added.
"Hold on, there's more!" Officer Tuttle said excitedly.
Officer Tuttle pulled out three skin magazines of women with toys, lesbians, and women masturbating. "Little party, bullshit, this was going to be party for this guy tonight, depriving his wife of his semen, shooting his wad into his hand or Kleenex. When you whack-off, do you clean it up, or do you make your wife clean up your mess?"
My face and neck turned beet red. I could feel the heat rising from skin into the summer night. Hell, I needed that beer now!
"Answer her!" Officer Wolf screamed in my right ear.
"Er, uh, well, um" I could not find the words to explain.
"Let's take him in for porn and drinking and driving," Officer Tuttle said. "Against the side wall of the van."
I felt Officer Wolf's hands push me against the van. "Forehead and palms of the hands against the van, feet four feet back and spread them wide."
My head hit the van and hands supported my teetering body against the painted metal of the van. Officer Tuttle began to pat me down, running her hands my front, sides and back of my shirt.
Officer Wolf moved her hands across my ass, pulling my wallet out and tossing it on the ground. She moved her hands between my legs and yelled, "Weapon!"
Officer Wolf had her gun out and pointed at my head. "Mr. Edwards, we will need for you to hand over the weapon!"
I replied to the officer's, "I'm not carrying a weapon!"
Officer Tuttle cam up behind me while her partner had her gun pointed at me. "Alright Mr. Edwards, we cannot transport you while you are carrying a weapon. If you do not remove it, we will remove it."
Geezus I thought to myself. Now how am I going to help them to understand that I do not have a gun on me.
Officer Tuttle continued. "Mr. Edwards, slowly turn-around, hands pointing away from your body."
I did as ordered standing like I was a cross.
Officer Tuttle cam up and pulled my t-shirt up. "Arms straight up now," was Tuttle's next order.
Tuttle threw the t-shirt into the van. "Drop the pants," Tuttle ordered.
"C'mon, you've got be kidding," I replied. I just went out for some beer and stuff."
"Stuff? Naked women, fingering each other, licking one another, and using a vegetable to masturbate? You call that stuff!" Tuttle shouted at me like a drill sergeant in boot camp.
"You don't drop them, we'll have you in the lock up with a bunch of guys that will pass your ass around like a piece pipe, if you understand my meaning," Officer Tuttle clarified her position concerning my options.
Thinking about being butt-fucked by a bunch of criminals or getting naked in front of two nice looking women was an easy choice.
I moved my hands to the snap button on my cut-off shorts and slid them down my legs.
"Step out of them and throw them in the van," Officer Wolf instructed me.
My dick in a shrunken state was about four inches long. The warm summer night and the two beautiful women made it swell slightly.
"Turn-around and face the van." Tuttle ordered.
I turned and faced the dimly lit van.
"Bend over and grab your ankles," Wolf instructed me.
I assumed the position and I heard a snapping sound.
Officer Tammy Tuttle grabbed my balls and gave them a squeeze. "Just checking for weapons." I winced as she squeezed and let go of my balls. I heard Officer Wolf snicker.
