Naturally Laura had flaws. She could be stubborn and at times dogmatic, most often about trivial things. She could be bossy, although she would call it assertive. She was intolerant towards people she judged to be stupid; and even if they were, she could come across as arrogant. She was fully aware of her charm and charisma, and would act abrupt and sometimes cruel towards devotees who overreached themselves. But it was impossible to disparage her, because everything she did was done with style. And that came out in the fact that although she must have known of my feelings for her — I was not very subtle — she never made a big thing of it, nor had me feeling awkward.
So when she went off to university, it was something of a relief for me. I was finally freed from the torments of Tantalus. I had long since abandoned any thoughts of entering the temple of Laura.
For the next three years I saw Laura in person only intermittently. She had lived with her mother since her parents' divorce. They didn't get on and Laura rarely came home. But we kept in touch. I think I may have been her anchor; so maybe she was not as fancy-free as she pretended. In any case, I followed her to the university three years later — not in a stalkery way, although we ended up living in the same student accommodation.
Nestled amongst the trees in a quiet corner of the campus, Lakeside Hall is in actuality five multi-storey apartment blocks connected by covered walkways. Four are mixed-sex dormitories housing both undergraduates and postgraduates in twin-share suites. The fifth wing accommodates first-year students, with males and females occupying alternate floors in four-bed units. Altogether Lakeside has four hundred residents, of whom just over three-fifths are women, which mirrors the university's population.
When I applied for admission Laura didn't mock my choice and in fact helped me through the process. This was vital because Lakeside is rather selective. What sets it apart from other residential colleges is not just its secluded location but the fact that it's fully autonomous, and organized on a self-help basis. There are no full-time paid staff. All residents are rostered for catering and housekeeping duties. The seniors also provide peer support, mentoring and tutoring. This collaborative philosophy extends to governance. All internal affairs are managed by an elected house committee. There's a manager and a proctor, but they are essentially honorary officers with only nominal responsibilities. Most importantly, fees and charges are very low. And all this is possible because Lakeside is independently funded by a network of alumni and "friends". One of the benefits of this system is that there is no strong imperative for residents to hold down an outside job. This allows more time and energy for academic, social and cultural activities.
My interview for admission went smoothly and I settled in quickly. My roommates were typical of what you find among freshmen from out of town. There were only three of us because the fourth hadn't turned up. Ricardo was the popular kid in high school who struggled to cope when he transitioned to the much bigger arena of the university. But he sought solace in varsity sport and found his niche. Ben was a scruffy, indolent rapscallion whose attitude was to study just enough to pass. His major saving grace was his sister Emily. A third-year student, she doted on her brother more than he deserved. At our first encounter she was wearing a candy-striped, strapless playsuit; and it was impossible not to be smitten by the transcendent vision of honey-blond hair, sapphire-blue eyes, lustrous legs and delectable décolletage. But she had a gentle soul, was unworldly and intellectual, and did not seem aware of her own resplendence.
Meanwhile, I'd met Caitlyn. She was a "townie", a local girl living on-campus. There were lots of these at Lakeside, more than at most of the university's residential houses. She was a second-year student; but we were enrolled in a similar course, the history and philosophy of science, and became study buddies. We complemented each other, having our particular academic strengths and interests. She was quiet and sweet-natured, with brown hair and eyes, a cute flush of freckles and an endearing way of tilting her head during a conversation, as if showing a sense of ease or trying to get a different view — it was hard to say which, perhaps both. Gradually a closer bond developed.
We celebrated Caitlyn's birthday on the weekend before Easter by visiting her parents. I didn't ask why she wasn't living with them. But there was something oddly appealing, almost seductive, about life at Lakeside Hall. I mean odd because as soon as you arrive it's like your senses tingle. There's an aura of mystery, secrecy even, as if something is going on beneath the surface or behind the curtains. And it's easy to attribute this to the relative isolation and the brooding eminence of the surrounding, dense woods, which are positively spooky at night. But even before I arrived I knew of its unorthodox reputation; even if actual claims about what went on there were always vague. The legends of debauchery and diabolism could be dispelled by a brief tour.
Still, I am reminded of Plato's famous allegory of the cave. For people trapped within, their only glimpse of the reality outside consists of shadows moving on the walls.
As the year progressed, the shadows came into sharper focus. But life at Lakeside for the first three months was comfortably mundane. I quickly settled into the routine of university life. I enjoyed my classes and did well in all my subjects. There was less pressure than in high school! Almost before I knew it the first semester was coming to a close.
Confounding my initial reservations, the Hall proved an excellent environment both educationally and socially. However, I was mostly content to hang out on the fringes of other people's social circles. Neither a hermit nor an outcaste, I have nonetheless never been good at, or for that matter interested in, having my own clique or coterie.
Laura continued to act as my guide and guru, although I tried to be not too dependent on her. That was not just out of pride. She had her own, crowded life. She had no permanent romantic attachments that I knew of, yet was as popular as she'd ever been. Those friends of hers I met were very much her personality types — adventurous, impulsive, unconventional. Not surprisingly, she was a member of a women's "adventure club". Guys joined in their activities, but I was not invited. Yet I didn't feel slighted. I had no interest since my pastimes have always tended to the sedentary. Which doesn't mean I'm a wimp or a faint-heart. It was just that I subscribe to the theory that you're allotted only so many heartbeats in your lifetime, and it's illogical to use them up before you have to. Still, as a result I began to see less of Laura as the semester progressed.
I got most advice and assistance from Rachel, a second-year student. She was very attractive, like Laura, with lively, olive-green eyes, auburn hair and an enigmatic smile. She had a keen intellect and a sharp, rather acerbic wit, but was passionate once she'd found a cause worthy of her time and effort. She was the sophomore counsellor in my "tute group". These were mentoring groups, each consisting of half a dozen first-year students with a senior tutor and a sophomore assistant. They helped us newbies on issues involving the transition from school to university.
There was just the one other guy in the group, and that was Ben. Whereas he and I were callow freshmen, the four girls came across as more sophisticated. Michelle I knew from high school; Patricia was in one of my classes; Priya was a visa student from India; Kendra was an athlete enrolled at the Academy of Sport. Our group leader was Lorelei, a postgraduate student whom I found to be rather standoffish. She did her job well, but it was Rachel who held us together. Her satirical commentaries on conventions and institutions were an epiphany for us neophytes.
We met once a week during the first term, once a fortnight in the second. Ben and I, outnumbered by the females, felt I must confess a little overawed. The girls were all very intelligent, articulate and highly motivated. It was hard not to feel that we mere males didn't measure up to their standard. That was nonsense, but I think it had something to do with the Lakeside Hall culture, which was focused on collaboration and a collective effort. This ethos, I believe, favours women, who tend to be better at interpersonal relationships and social interaction. But also, I don't think Ben and I were ideal specimens of manhood. I was immature and he could be obnoxious. The girls tolerated us — which was enough for me. I think Ben expected more.
***
One Saturday in May Laura invited me to a social gathering planned for that evening. I suspected, being given so little advance notice, that I was a last-minute replacement; but I was not going to turn down the summons. Nevertheless, the way she phrased it intrigued me. She asked me to be her escort. Now it's possible I misinterpreted. She may have simply meant to reinforce that this was not a boyfriend-type date... not that I was expecting it to be. On the other hand, the meaning I inferred was that she wanted a chaperone. This was very peculiar, coming from such an independent-minded young woman.
