Slowly Moving On

Chapter 5: Panties from the Past

I could not have been more surprised at what I was looking at. It was a picture of Jenn bent over our kitchen island. What the hell? It was the picture that I had taken of her the night we fooled around in the back of the Uber! She was bent over the island with her ass clad in those white and black polka-dotted panties with the black stockings and nothing else. She had a sly smile on her face as she was looking at me with the nail of her index finger playfully placed on her lips. She was everything in that one picture. What the hell was Justine doing with it? A strange mix of arousal, anger, and sadness was washing over me.

"What the hell is this Justine? How did you get this?" I was as close to yelling without yelling at this point, and there was a tinge of rage to my voice.

"Look, I know this is weird but hear me out!" she stammered. "She gave me these, Matt."

"These! These? You have more?" I snorted.

"A couple, but that's not the point," she was reeling now.

"The hell it isn't!"

"Matt, Matt! She got off on me having these. She knew I had a thing for watching and out of the blue one late night after one of our talks, she gave me these."

There was a bit of sorrow in her cracking voice now, "I loved her so much, Matt. I loved that she loved you so much. I loved that you loved her back with all of that and more," she wailed breaking into tears.

Through the tears she fought to continue, "She knew what I needed, and she stoked that for me. I've been lost without it. It's a hole that I can't fill and I can't even imagine how you feel. I worry that you hurt far worse than me and it makes me sad, sad and afraid."

I got up and took her hand to help her out of the chair and we embraced. She ended up crying on my shoulder for what could have been a minute or an hour. Time just seemed to stop. Finally, she looked at me through the tears.

"I'm sorry to bring all this up, but I just can't hold it in anymore. All this stuff that happened in the last week just broke the dam. I tried to bottle it all up like you do, but it's eating me alive. I felt alive again this week."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it isn't fair." She returned to sobbing into my shoulder.

"OK, look, stop. Pull it together J." I put my finger under her chin to look up at me. "It's OK. It's OK. I don't understand and there's a lot of things running through my head right now, but we can figure it out." I moved forward and kissed her on the forehead.

"I think I need some time. We both need some time to sort this out." I smiled at her then hugged her once again. Breaking the embrace, I turned and started walking towards the door.

"Wait," she said meekly. "There's one last thing, Matt." I nodded at her. Something was in her hand that I hadn't noticed before.

"I think you should have these." She held out her hand and in her hand was those white cotton panties with the polka dots from the picture. She grabbed my hand and opened it then put the underwear in it and closed my hand around it.

I was dumbfounded. The look on my face must have been one of absolute shock.

She broke the silence after a bit. "You can stay if you want. We can talk about it?" She said that with a sly smile that was implying something that I couldn't get my head around.

"Uh, no. I think I need to go home and get some sleep J. Thanks for dinner."

I turned and walked out the door and turned down the street to walk home with my head swimming from the last few hour's events.

I got home and put the panties on the island. The very same island Jenn had been draped over in the picture. It was after 11:00 and the night had just disappeared. I sat on my couch staring at our wedding picture on the opposite wall and started to cry. I cried for a good long time. Everything was just flooding out of me. All the emotions I kept packed deep inside of me. The sadness, the loneliness, and that empty feeling, and on top of all that I was still a little horny from the events of the night. I missed Jenn so much.

I had a moment, and got up and went to the island staring at the panties. They were hers, it was a little piece of her, a piece of us still left. I went back to the couch like a zombie.

After a while, I had this thought to call the on-call number for Amanda. It was well after midnight and I hesitated, but did it anyway. That was what she was for right?

I grabbed my phone dialed the number and talked to the operator who said I'd get a call back within fifteen minutes.

My phone rang three minutes later. Amanda was on the other end.

"Is everything OK, Matt? It's almost 1:00 in the morning. Tell me what's going on."

"I miss her. I miss her so much. I just..." I was at a loss for words and the crying started again.

"Alright Matt, did something bring this on?" she asked.

"I was over at Justine's tonight and a lot of things happened and it just brought up these memories. The last week has brought up so many of these memories of her and it hurts. It hurts so much." I was choking back my tears again not being able to pull it together.

"Did something happen with Justine, Matt?"

"No, well, yes, but I didn't have sex with her if that's what you are asking. Nothing happened physically. It was just a sexual, and then, emotional rollercoaster tonight. After I came home, I was lost, Amanda." I had started to pull myself back together now.

"Look, it's late. I shouldn't have bothered you. We have an appointment tomorrow anyway. I'm sorry." I felt embarrassed now for bothering her this late at night.

"That's fine Matt. That's what I'm here for. Are you going to be OK tonight? I need to know that before you hang up, Matt."

"Yes, I'm exhausted and need to go to bed. I'll be better after sleeping." I was hoping I could just get to sleep more than anything.

"Matt, if you need to call again tonight it's fine. Just call this number," she spoke out a number that I wrote down.

"I'll listen, Matt. I promise. It's alright to feel this way. You haven't allowed yourself to feel anything since she died. I know this feels awful, but you'll get through it and be better on the other side. It won't be easy either, but you'll get there. Go get some sleep and I'll see you in my office in the afternoon if you don't call sooner."

"Thank you, Amanda." I hung up and was quickly asleep on the couch.

*******

I woke up the next morning and went about my usual business. I went to work, put on the happy face, and got through it. After work, I headed to Amanda's office for the last of my "required" sessions. As I was let in, I noticed a distinct difference in her. She was wearing a nice fitting but professional dark blue dress past her knees with nude stockings and closely matching blue heels with the stupid red soles. I had bought a pair for Jenn that she had lusted over. The damn things were crazy expensive. Amanda also had a casual tan button-down sweater that was fully open over the top of the dress which left a little hint of cleavage which was right above a long pearl neckless.

This was completely unlike her. She always looked a little stodgy and stiff even frumpy, but this was very cute in a demure way. Her hair was down and there even seemed to be a hint of eyeshadow, lipstick, and makeup. The whole ensemble was working for me.

I almost forgot the silence thing, but I was eager to talk today so I started right out after sitting down.

"Sorry to have called late last night. I should have waited for today. It wasn't an emergency," I paused and then continued. "That outfit completely works for you by the way."

"Oh, why thank you," she started. "I didn't want to seem frumpy again today," she said with a crooked smile. Ouch, she was throwing that back at me from our last session.

"I took no offense, Matt. Tell me what happened last night."

I spent the next forty-five minutes recounting everything from Justine watching Renee, Renee and Josh sexting Justine, and Jenn's photo and panties. Amanda to her credit was stoic throughout letting me talk through the whole sequence of events. I, on the other hand was not so stoic and had a raging hard-on from going through this again.

After I had finished Amanda started in. "Well, there is a lot to unpack there. First of all, let's talk about Justine. She is setting you up to have the relationship go to a physical place. She wants you to be dominant with her in front of Grant. I believe they call that a bull. I mean the video, and her showing it to you, and your interaction with Grant made that pretty clear."

"What the hell is a bull?" I reflexively retorted.

"This whole thing is called cuckolding and it's where one partner gets off watching the other partner have sex with others. Usually, it's the male partner who gets off watching the female partner have sex with another male. It can also be the other way around, but it's most commonly the male partner watching the female. The watcher is the cuck and the other person outside the relationship that's involved is the bull. Sometimes this bull wields sexual power over the couple and they submit, other times it's more of a transactional type affair. The cuck derives pleasure from their partner being pleasured by others. There's a lot of different variations, but that's the basic point." She said this so matter of factly.

"Uh-huh. So, Grant gets off having some other dude fuck his wife?"

"Maybe, or at least the idea of it. Some things are meant to stay a fantasy. I think it's probably more complex than that though. Justine had some kind of sexual connection with Jenn. She's got some voyeuristic tendencies and I think this may or may not be congruent with Grant's desires. Again, it's really tough to say from what you told me today, and from what you've said about them off and on for the last year."

"What is important is that this is potentially dangerous to their marriage and your friendship which you rely on quite a bit. You need to weigh the risk of both of those things before even considering all of this."

That took me back a bit. "Are you saying I should consider this?"

"I'm saying you should consider everything in life. You are in a tough spot here with these two. Again, I hope you forwarded them the counseling information I gave you." I had completely forgotten about that particular piece.

She looked at her watch which made me look at mine. We were well over our time.

"I know, we are out of time, right?" I asked.

"Well hang in there a second," she said rising from the chair and heading to her desk. She was really in quite good shape and the dress nicely accentuated her firm ass, I noticed as she turned her back to me.

"Let me just send a text." She said as she picked up her phone. She frowned as she continued to look at her phone.

"It seems we have a bit more time. My friend just canceled on me with this evening's plans. Would you like to continue?"

"Ah, sure, we can go a bit longer I guess," I responded.

"So, let's put Grant, Justine, and Renee aside and move on to Jenn for now. Tell me about these photos Matt." I spent the next few minutes telling her the sordid details about the photos and that night that I had taken them.

"And how did you come about that particular situation?" This was the first time she had asked for further details. I spent the next few minutes telling her about the cab ride home from the bar and how we got to me taking pictures of her on the kitchen island.

She had been raptly attentive throughout this part. "And did it end at the pictures?" she asked.

"Of course not, but I'm not sure what this has to do with anything?"

"It's bringing you back to a moment with her and might help me understand Justine's motivations and your background more," she said smartly.

I spent the next few minutes talking about the hot sex I had with my wife, stuffing her panties in her mouth, fucking her, and blowing it all over her stomach and her cleaning up my cum from her stomach. I conveniently left out her cum filled kiss afterward.

"And was that the end of the pictures?" she intently asked.

"No, I got a very explicit aftermath photo. Oh god, I hope Justine doesn't have that one." I hadn't thought about that.

"I mean there are the other photos I had taken before that, and after that night."

"There was another time the two of you took suggestive pictures? I guess we'll get back to that. Tell me about these undergarments that Justine gave you last night?"

"They were Jenn's. The exact same ones she wore that night and the ones in the picture. I wouldn't forget those." I hadn't thought about what Justine might have done with them. That thought made my cock lurch against my jeans again. This whole experience was a bit intense.

"Will you excuse me one minute?" Amanda asked and I nodded. She left the room and I heard her open the adjacent bathroom.

I kept thinking about the other boudoir pre-wedding photos I had taken of Jenn and what a wild day that had been. Smiling I grabbed my phone and started flipping through the pictures until I had found the handful of those particular shots I had taken all those years ago. I kept a few on the phone to remind her of how naughty she could be.

I didn't even hear her come back, but I looked up and Amanda was again across from me smiling.

"What are you smiling about. You look truly happy," she inquired.

"I had taken some 'other' photos of Jenn just before our wedding and I have a couple on my phone. You reminded me about them, and I was just looking at them. I'm sorry that's probably not so appropriate." I was a bit embarrassed now.

The next part shocked me. "Do you have one that's tasteful that you might show me?"

Being caught off guard I stammered, "Uh, sure."

I found one of Jenn in white stockings, white boy short panties, and one hand covering her breasts. She had a playful smile as she was lying sideways on a hotel bed. Her hair and makeup were on point and this could have been taken out of a lingerie catalog. She was everything in that picture. I handed the phone to Amanda with the picture. Amanda spent quite a bit of time examining the picture.

"Wow Matt, she was a stunner. You were lucky to have the time you had with her. Is that really the time?" Asking as she handed me back the phone. It was almost 7:00.

"I think that's enough for now. You don't have any follow-up appointments booked, do you?" She asked as I put the phone down on the small glass table beside the chair.

"No, this was the last one. Do we really need to do this anymore?" I knew the answer but waited for her.

"I think you know, but you think about it. When you decide, call that number I gave you from last night and we'll set something up. Does that sound like a plan?" She said smiling at me.

"Yeah, I'll think about it and get back to you. Thank you, Amanda."

"I'm glad to see you got something out of it. Goodnight, Matt."

With that, I headed out the door and to the car. I got three-quarters of the way there and realized I had left my phone in Amanda's office. I couldn't go without the phone for the weekend and I hurriedly headed back in hoping I'd catch her before she left.

As I got back to her office I heard what I thought was a moan coming from her office. The door was open a crack and I peeked in. Amazed at the scene in front of me, I stood there transfixed. Amanda had her sweater off, head back reclined in the chair with her eyes closed. Her left hand was cupping her right breast under the top of her dress. The right hand was quite busy elsewhere. As I looked down her blue dress was hiked up past her hips revealing these lacy high cut blue panties and the tops of her thigh-high nude stockings. One foot was propped up on the chair next to her and her other leg was lewdly opened in the other direction. Her right hand was in her panties furiously working her pussy.

It was an amazing sight. Here was this doctor that I had been talking to, and hadn't thought the least bit about sexually until today, pleasuring herself in the chair she had just listened to the details of my last twenty-four hours. She had been all worked up from the talk of Jenn, Renee, and Justine. I wish I had my phone to take some pics. I laughed at myself inwardly as that was the reason I was here. This went on for what seemed like ages, but was truly only a few moments and I started to worry that she'd catch me.

I burst in the door with a fake shortness of breath that I had been running in. "Oh hey! I left my phone here and, WOW!" I faked stunned surprise.

"I mean, I'm sorry uh, I should have knocked!" I leaned forward and grabbed my phone off the table.

She pulled her one hand out of her panties and the other out of the top of her dress and sat right up but still in a daze.

"Uh, Matt. Uh look, I just well..."

The disheveled look was really a quite stunning juxtapose from the Amanda I talked to for the last year. Looking at her I could see there was a trail of wetness from where she had pulled her hand out from her panties. At the top of her blue dress, there was a hint of nipple. My cock was straining at my jeans and my balls ached.

"It's fine Amanda. I got worked up too and would have been home releasing some pent-up energy as well if I hadn't forgotten this. Don't let me stop you," I said and smiled.

"Look this is pretty unprofessional and," I cut her off.

"I know, I'm leaving!" I said as I ran out the door and out to my car not looking back once.

Driving home my mind was racing. What the hell was going on? Why was all this happening to me all at once? Why the hell did I leave her there in the office?