There are moments that stick in my mind, unusual glimpses seem the most glaring. The sun light was piercing through the angles of the architecture from a certain angle. There were walls, roofs, awnings, and a little ray of bright sun pierced through it amid the dark fall day. The light was bright yellow. My eyes were so overwhelmed that it splintered and left a red after image when I looked away. I felt warm despite the vapor of everyone's breath staying in the air for a second or two before dissipating. I think I had a sense of calmness, drawn into myself, and observant.
Neither was my environment, at all. The boys were running. Their faces were excited. They held their ping pong paddles ready. See, they were rushing out of the school house on the mini-recess between the second and the third session. They usually chased to claim the ping pong table in the school yard. Today had an extra frenzy. They were gambling ownership of the girls in the class. Like playing for pennies, the winner of the ping pong game would walk away owning the girl that they played about.
That's why even the girls had come out into the cold fall weather to watch the modern knights fight in their tournament for the princess in the high tower. I was pushed away from the guys roving to get close to the table. Sonya was at the center. Her face was gleaming with joy and peace. Her perfect curly blond hair framed her. Her blue eyes took the attention of the boys. She had those fashionable boutique clothes that her parents paid for. Those same parents that paid for her piano that the shipping company had to lift the piano with a crane up to her second floor room.
Every time that I recall the face, I feel my chest constricting. I feel frustration and fury rise up in me. Why not me? Why can't the boys pick me? Why does she get to tell her piano story at length in class? Why doesn't anyone see me?
Ms. Nancy is the only time in senior class that I felt acknowledged. She interacted with us all equally. The previous Friday, our acting class had gathered in the little pastry vending area. During lunch time, it was packed with a line. In the afternoon, it was a quiet, secluded spot for our class. She asked us to lie down on our backs with our arms and legs rolled open. We were to close our eyes and feel how the earth was holding us.
I was afraid of course. My parents had warned me about the yoga religion. Christ is the only god that should be praised. And the yoga religion believed in nature being a god. A few classmates were missing because their parents had pulled them away from this dangerous teacher. I hadn't told my parents anything.
I carefully let my inner senses drift to what was underneath me. There was the cold, red clay brick of the floor. I knew that underneath it was heavy dirt. Then, there'd be a layer of rock. I could imagine the worms and moles digging around underneath me. So that is the earth goddess. I must not get too close to her lest I lose my salvation. My heartbeat was quickening as I was so close to this deity that wanted to seduce me to fall from god.
Yet, I couldn't turn my focus away from feeling the rock and roots deeply underneath me. I couldn't help but follow Ms. Nancy's words guiding us. Her words were so soothing. I think more than anything, I wanted to be held carefully by someone, anyone, just not be alone in this world. I knew that she was leading me away from god. Yet, in her voice, I could hear a sense of beauty, a sense of love, and a sense of wonder. She was taking me on this guided meditation to show me a garden of joy deep in my subconscious.
She told us to imagine an energetic tail and lower it all the way down to the hot glowing lava at the core of the earth. And that's when I felt it. My pussy was wet. There was this cozy and warm pulsating sensation that relaxed me, made me cozy into the ground and listen to Ms. Nancy's voice, letting each word drum a little tingle down my spine.
My first reaction was to close my legs. Yet, I froze in fear. Ms. Nancy had told us to roll our legs and arms open. I could not cross my legs. Oh my god, they would be able to smell me soon. I felt caught. I kept my eyes tightly shut hoping not to be noticed. I had to keep my legs rolled open wide. I could not draw attention. And so, my pussy was opened up to the world. Sure, the panties and jeans covered me. Yet, I could feel the panties get wet. Then, the smell of my pussy reached my nose. All that was open to the world.
Being that exposed aroused me even more.
I felt like I was in a fever dream. I listened to Ms. Nancy's warm words painting vivid scenes. There I hoped to be caught. I hoped that the girl next to me could smell me. I hoped that the boy next to me could smell me. I liked lying there helpless to cover up. I wanted to be caught with my embarrassing secret.
Catch me! Sneer up your nose at my wetness! Look down on me!
Ms. Nancy clapped her hands to wake us up. Theatre class was over. We hugged each other, as was customary in the warm, creative arts classes. We walked out into the already dark late afternoon.
That moment occupied me quite a bit. It was my first time that I had been aroused in public. I liked it. There is something about being around people that sets me on alarm. It's like a sense of danger of what people could do to me. Being aroused in the middle of people, I found it immensely stimulating.
I had a long train ride home from school. The fields, telephone posts, and railroad crossings were well familiar to me from twelve years of school. The rattling of the train as it jumped from one rail to the next rail was a familiar undertone. The seats were worn and overly soft. The train crossed the whole country. I only got on it for one step for my daily commute. It was a daily connection with going somewhere far and traveling. So, I sat there in those overly familiar places, deeply sunken into my own thoughts. I replayed the feelings in my body over and over. I felt like I had a glow inside of myself. I thought about sun energy. I was channeling the sun's energy, Ms. Nancy would have said. Sin is when you fall from the face of god.
I don't ultimately know why I did it. Maybe, it had to do with senior year. Everything was shifting in my life. I was seeing a career counselor for my life after school. Mom finally let me drive the family car after my eighteen's birthday. I had completely the last history exam that I'd ever take in my life. I hated history. Who cares about dead people?
But there I was. I closed the train restroom door behind me. The door was small. There was a big step to get through the door. The train shoved a hard left as it hit an uneven rail. I steadied myself. Someone opened the carriage door and a rush of wind blew in, tearing at my hair and my skirt. I yelped and grabbed my groin hard. The fluttering skirt lifted as quickly as the wind had gushed underneath it. I breathed again.
My nerves were still shaky. I liked the sense of danger. As something was driving me to follow Ms. Nancy into her yoga world to pull me away from god, the same way, I was driven to go through with it. My purse was closed. Inside of it were my panties.
I blended in with the crowd leaving the train and walking to school in a thick throng of kids of various ages. The young kiddies kept pushing each other. I was quieter than usual. I tried to keep in my fear. The oddity was how normal everyone was, how unaware. All the while, I vividly clear about the sensation of the naked skin between my butt cheeks. I could feel my pussy lips open and rub against each other with my steps. I'd know that my smells would waft out. The cool outdoor air camouflaged me. However once I'd get to a small, warm room with only few people, I'd stand out. Would they catch me?
It was hard to step out of the group. The crowd moved me. There was no privacy to step into and put the panties back on. I got scared. I had to act normal to avoid drawing suspicion. What I couldn't control was my breathing. That breathing that started racing me, no matter how much I tried to slow it down. When I slowed it down, I felt like I was suffocating. My body was using up so much oxygen. I was quietly, internally getting strangled, middle in that crowd of school kids.
Despite my struggle, everything went fine. I said my hellos with getting caught or drawing any suspicion. The problem was at the base of the staircase. The senior class was in the highest classroom. I had to walk up a staircase. The three science geeks (Peter, George, and Ryan) were talking about a computer game right at the foot of the staircase. As I'd walk up the stairs, they'd see beneath the skirt to look at my butt. They were unaware of me.
I had to be fast. I took all my non-runner strength and started dashing up the stairs, taking two steps at a time and straining for a third step with my small 5' 1" body. In the corner of my eyes, I could sense blurry movement from the guys. George exclaimed: "What the fuck is up with Anya?" I could sense that they were all turning around to figure out why I was running so hard. And that exactly got them to stare at my naked butt under my plaid skirt. I pushed harder and harder. I had to get away. I had to get up the stairs. The pulse was pounding at my temples. As I made the crest of the stairs, I heard Peter say with a shrug in his voice: "Don't know. Maybe, she put Red Bull in her breakfast." I could hear the soft sound of them shuffling back to facing each other.
I didn't care much for the science geeks. Nobody thought much of what they talked about. They were weird. I didn't feel aroused. This had been more of a thrill. I sat in English class and wondered why I had done the whole thing in the first place. I think I had hoped to get aroused to feel again what I had felt in that yoga session. Sitting in class, I couldn't feel arousal. Everyone was focused on counting verses. I had hoped to be smelly. Yet, sniffing the air, I could smell the teacher's coffee aroma in the air. He always had a bit of bad digestion from coffee that smelled rather repulsive. Brian's hair was smelly as always, like wet dog. Sonya's perfume had a flowery smell. And of course, her girlfriend's complimented her on it.
There was Bernd. I haven't told you about him. He was rather average. He didn't have the best grades. He wasn't a school athlete. He didn't contribute much to class conversations. The one noteworthy thing about him was that he drove to school with a bike every day. He wore his second hand leather jacket throughout the school day. His dad was a mechanic, which was why his dad bought Bernd a used motorbike. Bernd was like me, cast out of the limelight and somewhat satisfied about it. He had something very settled about him. He knew that in another couple months after school was over, he'd work in his dad's shop. He had spent his afternoons hanging out in the shop ever since a young kid. So, nothing was particularly new or hard to him. He knew that his dad would let him test ride the cool bikes for a little fun after they were fixed.
I think that's why I was drawn to him. He seemed like me, yet unlike my completely uncertain future, he was at ease about his world. He didn't get a stab in the stomach each time he saw the quarterback, like I do when I see Sonya. That calm energy drew me to him.
