The phone rang:
Father McNamara had just finished hearing his final confession and hoped this intrusion wasn't going to delay his meditations.
"Alright." he sighed, removing his chasuble. "Give me a moment or two."
His first parish was a small community, about a thousand souls all told, and he was keenly aware of his naivety in dealing with the outside world after the sanctuary of his cloistered life. He thought his parishioners made most of their confessions up to add spice into the routine mundanity of their small world - especially the minxy Miss Barton - who went into such graphic detail! Is she going to hell for succumbing to such depravity? she always asked after tormenting his virgin ears with such brazen impertinence. Well that was hard to say, but he felt as hot as Beelzebub's armpit whenever she went on like that!
Tonight however had been routine, a mundane list of monotony from the regular visitors to his Wednesday confessional, no sign of the teenage temptress who disturbed the pool of serenity in his soul.
He glanced at the clock as he picked up the phone; it was 8.30pm, on the dot: "hello?"
At first he thought nobody was there, but then a deep voice spoke, baffling him.
"Don't you just love eating out? He said in a friendly, confiding way, as though he was an old friend.
"Pardon me?"
"You know what I mean." he went on, accompanying each word with a series of soft slurps, a smacking of lips as though eating an ice cream on a hot day.
"Who is this please?" He courteously inquired.
"I know who I am..." came the mysterious reply; "Do you know who you are?"
"D-do you know..." he spluttered in disbelief.
"Are you into seafood, like oyster or clams?" The voice went on.
"Yes, I'm partial to fresh fare from the sea." The priest replied, curious to what the man was getting at.
"Mmmmm. Me too." The man said, smacking his lips again. "I love to crack open a nice juicy clam, or suck the pearl from a nice, fresh oyster. Do you know why they're considered an aphrodisiac?"
The priest thought carefully for a moment and answered quietly. "I'm not sure i do."
The man chuckled and made the odd slurping noise again. "It's because an oyster reminded the Romans of a certain part of the female body."
A mental image of the delectable Ms Barton flashed across Father McNamara's mind and he flushed guiltily. "Is that a fact." He said. "Look, I feel i should tell you I've had a busy day and would like to get on, so if you'll excuse me..."
"Oh don't go." The stranger said. "We were getting on so well too. You know 'all work and no play make's Jack a dull boy'. Besides, i have a confession to make."
The priest sighed and said. "I've just finished taking confession for the night, why don't you come down to the church on Friday evening when i hold my next confessional and I'd be happy to absolve you then my son."
He was surprised to hear sardonic laughter greet his statement and astonished by what he heard next.
"You're a priest!" The man guffawed loudly. "A real honest-to-God priest. Holy shit - 'scuse my French. Well bless me Father for i have sinned...it's been too long since i tasted anything as good as this!"
High pitched giggles mingled with his deep throated chuckles and the priest began to suspect something wasn't quite right.
"Is someone there with you?" He said testily.
"I never eat alone." The man laughed. "Besides, this won't take long and it'd be much easier if we could talk now."
"It's not really the done thing over the phone and as you seem to be otherwise engaged too."
"Hell - oops, sorry! Heck, she don't mind. She's kinda busy tucking in to mind us anyways."
Father Mcnamara looked once more at the clock and saw it was 20 minutes from the hour. He thought this was a wind-up but his innate politeness decided the matter for him. "Very well." He sighed, then asked. "You are a Catholic?"
"Born and bred." The man answered promptly.
"In that case, give me a moment please."
For some reason he could never explain, the idea to go into the confessional had popped into his head and as the phone was cordless, it didn't take long for him to attain a semblance of reality in this odd situation by making himself comfortable in the accustomed sanctuary of the wooden enclosure. He lifted the phone to his ear and was about to speak when he heard the man say: "You know what I want you to do..."
"Er, excuse me." He replied softly, automatically pitching his voice in the sacred intimacy.
"Come on now put it in there..."
"I'm sure i don't know what you're talking about.
"That's right, eat it all up like a good girl."
I beg your pardon!"
"Be right with you man."
"You may address me as Father."