What the hell is that noise? I thought.
I heard the racket coming from outside in my backyard. It sounded like someone had tripped over my lawn furniture in the dark.
Retrieving the Mossburg 12 gauge shotgun from under my bed, I popped a couple shells in the chamber. Slowly and stealthily I crept out a first floor window on the side of the house.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" I screamed at the young man.
"Uh, uh," he stammered in surprise.
"Don't even think about running. I'll put a load of buckshot in your behind. I asked you, what are you doing back here? Speak up!"
"Uh, uh, nothing, lady."
"Nothing my ass. Were you trying to steal something?"
"No, lady, I'm not a thief."
"Well, just what are you, then?"
"Uh, uh."
"Move! In the house! I'm calling the police."
Once inside, I picked up the phone, keeping the shotgun pointed at the frightened young man.
"Please don't call the police, lady," he whined, tears streaming down his cheeks.
I put down the phone.
"Tell me what you were up to and I'll think about it. Let's start with your name."
"Tommy."
"OK, Tommy, now why were you in my backyard?"
"You promise you won't get mad, lady? You're kind of scary."
"I'm not promising anything but I'll try not to get angry. You look like a decent sort of young man. I'm willing to listen, but you better not lie to me."
"I was peeking in your upstairs bathroom window."
"What? I had no idea anyone could see in that window. Not that I thought anyone would try."
"I had to climb a tree to see good. That's how you heard me. I fell out of the tree."
"And just what did you see, Tommy?"
"Everything."
"What do you mean, everything?"
"You are very pretty, lady, especially naked. Oh, don't worry, I couldn't see when you sat on the toilet. Just when you got in and out of the shower, toweled off and stood in front of the mirror."
"That's a great relief, Tommy, that you didn't see me on the can. How did you fall out of the tree? Did you hurt yourself? I noticed you are limping. And your fly is open, by the way. I couldn't help but notice."
"Yeah, I was jerking off when you got out of the shower and you started blow-drying your hair. Thanks for not putting clothes on first."
"Tommy, I'm not going to call the police but I am going to call your parents."
"No, no, please don't lady! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My parents will kill me if they find out. I'm an honors student and I never get in any trouble."
"Do you do this sort of thing often, Tommy?"
"Well, I try, but nobody puts on a show like you do, lady. The girls I have seen from my school are boring."
"Tommy, I had no idea I was putting on a show. And you invaded my privacy. That's what pisses me off. I'm not ashamed of my body or anything like that. I've even posed for some very erotic pictures."
"Can I see them?"
"I think you've seen quite enough for one night, Tommy."
"I saw you masturbating, lady, with that vibrator thing. Is that fun?"
"Yes it is, Tommy, and none of your damn business."
"Well, I won't tell on you if you won't tell on me."
"It's not the same, Tommy."
"Didn't you ever do anything like this, lady, I mean like spy on people?”
“As if! I would never do anything like that! What? Do you think I’m some sort of fucking pervert?” That’s sick.”
I unloaded the shotgun, put the shells in my robe pocket and set it down.
"Tommy, would you like a glass of milk or something? I need a drink."
"Pepsi, whatever."
I fixed myself a Scotch on ice and handed Tommy his soda.
“Now, Tommy, what you did is very, very bad. You need to be punished.”
“Isn’t there some chore I could do for you, lady, like cut the grass?”
“Well, maybe …”
“What? I’ll do anything if you don’t tell my parents I peeped in your window.”
“Anything?”
“Yes!”
“You like this peeping, ‘eh Tommy?”
“Yes, lady, I do.”
“OK, I want you to peep on my boyfriend. I think he is cheating on me. He hardly ever wants to come over and fuck anymore. Always says he is busy with work. He’s a tax attorney. Well, I guess this is a busy time of year for him, but I want to make sure he is not fooling around.”
“I doubt he’s cheating on you, lady. I mean, who would cheat on you? You’re gorgeous. You look like those babes in the magazines I like to read while I’m in the bathroom.”
“Hey, thanks, Tommy. I’m starting to like you a little bit. That’s what I thought, why would he cheat on me? I do have to make sure, though. I’ll tell you what I want you to do while I put on the Magic.”
“Magic?”
“Yes, Magic. That’s the stuff I use to make my pussy smooth. I was about to do it when you so rudely interrupted me. You can watch if you want. Like you haven’t seen everything already anyway.”
