I arrived home from a shopping trip to find Stephie sitting against the door to my flat looking very down in the dumps. "Well! You look happy. You lost your pay packet or something?"
"Dumped the bastard. It's not enough that he nicks off me. He's been shagging some tart at the fucking pub too. I'm so glad I made him use condoms; I bet that dirty slapper didn't!"
"Come on, let's get you inside." We went into my apartment and I went to put the kettle on. Stephie's one of my oldest, and probably best, friends. She's a lovely person and absolutely gorgeous, too. But she just picks all the wrong blokes and ends up getting hurt. Returning to the lounge I could see that she was close to tears. So, sitting next to her on the sofa I hugged her gently and the deluge began. "Go on babe, wash the selfish sod away."
She cried hard for about ten minutes and when I felt she'd about finished, I went and made coffee. Bringing in the mugs she looked up at me, still a little tearful, but now with a smile on her face too. "Thanks Lauren. You're always there for me.
"What's wrong with me Lauren? Am I a horrible person, or ugly? Do I deserve all this crap I get from men? What am I doing wrong?"
"I don't think there's anything much wrong with you Steph. But honestly love; your taste in men is pretty dire at the best of times and you do have a knack for picking some pretty dubious fellas. And let's be honest. You really can be very gullible, can't you?"
"Do you really think so? The trouble is, I always put too much faith in them. I always believe in them and think that they're going to be as honest with me as I am with them. Maybe I ought to try being gay. At least that way I might get someone with values more like mine."
"Well, you know that won't work. When we accidentally walked into that lesbian bar in London last year, you were all embarrassed and couldn't wait to get out of there. If you couldn't look at it, how are you going to do it?"
With a resigned look on her face, Lauren looked up at me and said, "Yeah. You're right. I'm just gonna have to stay on my own for the rest of my life and end up a lonely old spinster. Fuck it! I think I'll go home and get pissed."
I laughed and said, "Tell you what. There's a booze shop on the corner. Let's go and get a couple of bottles and get pissed together, here. You can sleep in the spare room. It's Saturday tomorrow and we don't have to be up early, so we can sleep it off."
So. That's what we did. We started off on a bottle of wine, followed by some really nice cherry brandy that I had. We got to talking about men and as the alcohol level went up, more and more of our insecurities came tumbling out. I'd broken up with my last boyfriend, Dennis, nearly a year ago and my sense of self-worth had since taken a dive. Getting drunk reminded me of just how low I'd felt. And Steph! Well! She was just stuck in a great pit and by the time we got on to rum and blacks she was sobbing about how ugly she must be and how stupid she is. And then we got so pissed we started giggling out of control.
I think it was about then that I must have mentioned how I thought she was dead pretty and that my friend Jerry, who's a photographer, would probably fall over himself to get her to pose for him. At that idea, Steph burst out laughing even more and started pulling silly faces and getting into daft posing positions. We were laughing hysterically...
Until we started puking. Oh God, I felt ill. We both puked back most of what we'd been eating and drinking. I think some of what came back was from meals I had two weeks ago. Neither of us made it to bed that night. We just curled up, fully clothed, on the rug with a couple of cushions at, I think, about three in the morning.
I awoke at 7:00ish and woke Steph. Then we staggered off together and got into my bed, still fully clothed, where we slept through to 1:00pm. God I felt rough. At one time, Steph used to stay with me a lot and as I have a large shower cubicle it wasn't unusual for us to shower together. Waking her again, we walked very carefully and gently, supporting each other as we went, into the bathroom, got undressed and into the cubicle, almost with our eyes closed. Without thinking, I turned the shower on and we were both drenched in an absolute deluge of bloody cold water, until the warm water began to come through.
That woke us up, I can tell you. Steph screamed and swore, as did I, but it seemed to do us some good. We dried off and I lent her a dressing gown, then we went off to make some breakfast. We decided we needed a proper breakfast of eggs, bacon, tomatoes and mushrooms. As we sat together eating, Steph looked up at me and asked, "Lauren, it's not that long since we last showered together is it? I've never noticed before that you shave your pubes, how long have you been doing that?"
I thought about it and replied, "Actually, it's a couple of years since you last stayed here. Dennis persuaded me to try shaving; he seemed to have a thing about it and in the end I decided to give it a try. It's the one thing I've got to thank him for and I've been doing it ever since."
"But you haven't had a boyfriend since so why do you still do it?"
I think I blushed a bit. Then I replied, "It feels so nice. Even if I don't have a boyfriend I still need to, you know... have the occasional orgasm... even if it's, you know... just me."
When I'd said that, Steph blushed profusely. "Oh, right. I see. Er, sorry. Didn't mean to embarrass you."
Silence reigned for a few minutes and then Steph, who'd been closely examining her breakfast, asked, "Er, Lauren? Do you mind if I ask you about it? You know, the shaving."
With a deep sigh I said, "Ok, what do you want to know then?"
"Well, first of all, what did you mean, 'It's the one thing you've got to thank him for'?"