Chapter 1: "It's unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same"
*************************************************************************************************************
"It's a waste of time opening up; nobody's gonna show, Charlie."
"Doesn't mean I ain't gonna do it; some of us have responsibilities, Jaun."
"You think anybody's gonna come here when there's a big box outlet right across the street, man?" My best friend shouted gesturing right across the street to the veritable mini mall converted from an out of business Fry's Electronics store. It was a sprawling affair with an acre of parking space facing the small corner store I'd worked at for the last five years with my now ailing grandfather.
"You can go I'm gonna do my job, Juan; my folks are counting on me to hold the line down here while they figure out what to do with my grump's stuff. One of his ex-wives is trying to claim power of attorney because some shit was fubbed on their do it yourself divorce, pretty messed up stuff, huh?"
"Oh yeah, which one; is it Conseuala the one with those big jiggling tits?"
"I didn't ask." I was pulling back the semi-rusty bars in front of the door working on the heavy padlock there as Juan mused further.
"Man, I used to love coming down here when she was behind the counter. You know, I think she was wearing all those low-cut blouses to drum up business for this place. I remember it being a lot more crowded when she was here, damn those tetas grandes, succulent."
"Too much information." I opened the store switching on the lights.
"Come on Charlie, you never looked? I mean you can't deny those titties, man; I know you liked them as much as I did, right?"
"Not having this conversation." I continued walking up and down the aisles taking stock of everything while Juan followed me talking up a storm. He was a short willowy guy with a motor mouth and a rampant libido that got him into a lot of trouble during the last seven years I'd known him from middle school throughout high school.
"At least admit you looked."
"No."
"Damn you're making it hard Charlie; hey, is this about Maricela, huh?" I stopped in my tracks with a box of plastic bottled grape flavored drink reacting facially to his accusation, then went to the shelf stocking the empty spaces with the generic product.
"Don't start."
"I'm just saying...."
"Stop saying and help me out here or kick rocks; I've got a store to manage."
"All you're gonna do is sit at the counter and look at your phone all day; probably pining for that skeezer too. I told you not to fuck with Mari, but you wouldn't listen. She's bad news and almost got you hemmed up with them cholos, too. Did you at least get the draws, Charlie? Enquiring minds want to know."
"Why're you always on that crap; what difference does it make if I got into her panties or not?"
"Because despite that pretty, innocent little face of hers, everybody's been in the draws except you, word around the campfire. You're always so uptight, like you're holding in something so this is kind of a wellness check, bros before hoes."
"Miss me with that."
"Did you at least see her naked?"
"Shut up."
"No seriously, even though she's so tiny, the girl does have a nice rack. Those are some C-cups, right?" I was putting some jars of generic peanut butter on a shelf while Juan made himself busy tagging some cheap boxes of dollar ramen.
"We agreed not to talk about each other post relationship."
"You call that a relationship?"
"Shut up."
"But you fucked, right?"
"A gentleman never tells homeboy." He raised a brow sarcastically as I went behind the elevated counter which was on a platform which allowed me to monitor store activity using several large mirrors situated on the walls. Sometimes we got druggies and teens trying to shop lift. My grandfather put most of the things they's be looking for and the junk food in the first aisle so they would have to do it in front of his face if they tried. I also had a club and a thirty-eight at my disposal.
"Fuck that shit; you seem like a man in need so wanna come to my cousin's Quinceanera? Dude that shit is gonna be lit with a bunch of bitches. Ingrid knows hella honeys and you can take your pick."
"At a sweet sixteen party, no thanks."
"Ah, you're no fun." Juan scoffed as I audited the cash register while he ruefully continued putting price tags on some cans of vegetables.
"What's knowing about my sex life gonna do for you?" My tone was playfully light in an effort to deflect.
"It's just that we never talk about that shit and when we do, you get all stiff and everything. Some of the boys are starting to call you suspect, and the nicest thing I heard them call you is La última virgen americana, Charlie."
"Who said that?"
"Somebody you ain't gonna fuck with."
"Chauncey, huh?" The guy was part of our collective friend group on the periphery due to criminal nature and a proliferation of bench warrants that made anybody within his vicinity targets of the police.
"Well, he ain't lying, right?"
I didn't know how to answer and knew the truth would be brutal.
"Consuela did have a nice rack; gramps never made a big deal about it but everybody else did and she was nothing but trouble even besides the ten-year age gap. Just being out with her was such a problem, gramps started rolling with a forty-five in his ride. She wasn't going to change the way she dressed, and he didn't wanna let her go at first." It was an olive branch.
"Yeah?"
"Honest to God truth; everybody kept talking about how she was using him for a green card and the money, but Consuela was from Cincinatti."
Juan was laughing letting the conversation drift away as I continued.
"Everybody hated this sixty-year-old bachelor with a fifty-year-old spinster who looked like she was in her thirties, so he married her and then the shit show started."
"What happened?"
"Usual shit, cheating and some kind of cluster fuck that ended up with gramps getting stabbed in the thigh with a fork when he tried to put her out."
"A fork?"
"Yeah, I drove gramps to the hospital myself that night; I was spending the night when it happened and got caught in the middle. It was crazy because they were happy, doing it a lot even though I was there and then, blam! I got up woke up in the middle of the night because they were fighting about the cheating. I felt sort of responsible afterwards and that's how I started working here full time."
"Why'd you feel responsible?"
"Uh, I don't know if I should cop to that."
"Spill."
"I was in my room watching a movie in the middle of the night and I had this bright idea to get a snack. Consuela came into the kitchen while I was fridge surfing; she was wearing this robe that really didn't fit, if you know what I mean."
"No!"
"Uhm, it was a uh, bullet bra like from the old days; Consuela really uh, filled it out." I shot my friend a look letting him know the validity of the story that explained my committed employment at gramps corner store.
"That's crazy man; did she make a move on you?"
"...uhm."
"Come on, man!"
The little bell on the store's front door tingled as an obvious transient entered the store encrusted with dust and filth devoid of a shirt and shoes. This shaggy bearded man was gaunt, looking like he'd just escaped from a desert island. He stopped short a step or two away from us reeking of foot and ass.
"Got a dollar?" Juan facepalmed, but I was already acquainted with this down on his luck gentleman, Mel.
"Aw shit man, what're you gonna do with a dollar?" Jaun was annoyed while I got out the dollar using my pocket change.
"Well, I figured it was the least I could ask for that would be doable."
"Here you go Mel." I handed the disheveled veteran the dollar which got Juan to add another from his pocket as well. He cracked a wry smile favoring his chest length bedraggled beard.
"Can I have a beer too?"
"GET OUTTA HERE!" Juan shouted waving his arm in the air towards Mel, faux threatening. The long retired military vet just chuckled at the homely kid who looked like the love child of John Lovitz and Rob Schneider.
"Well, you don't know if you don't ask." I chuckled at Mel's unofficial catch phrase watching him walk out while some kids walked in buying some snacks from my elevated countertop. Juan obviously wanted the rest of the story hanging around as I rang up a few customers noticing some crossing the street towards the big box store that was currently destroying all the mom-and-pop businesses miles over.
"Well?" Juan asked when the last customer left.
"Well, what?"
"COME ON!" I laughed before continuing the story.
"Alright relax, it's really stupid when you think about it in hindsight; it was one of those things where you have so many choices that you can't make a decision. There was all this food just packed in there and I ended up going for a bowl of cereal. Stupid me left the fridge door open to pour the cereal in one of my aunt's mixing bowls; I got a table spoon out of the kitchen drawer no look reaching into the fridge for the gallon of milk."
"I don't get it."
"Ended up palming Consuela's tit."
"HOW?!"
"She was bent over, reaching into the fridge to get a beer for gramps. I wasn't looking when I reached inside for a gallon of milk; palmed her whole right tit."
