Mature Exhibitionist

I'd uploaded the photos I'd taken in the ladies toilet on Thursday morning and then deliberately stayed offline. I'd worked Thursday afternoon and all Friday and by the time Friday evening came around I was desperate to see if anyone had viewed my offerings. Opening some wine I deliberately spent some time looking over other submissions on the site before bringing up my page. I could see my photos had been viewed about 20 to 30 times each but my video had been viewed 67 times!

The thumbnail for the video didn't really show anything (I assume it had been randomly pulled from the video when I uploaded it) and I'd specifically not watched it yesterday so I decided to click on it now. As it started I saw random movement form into a yellowy pink colour that then slowly resolved to my belly walking backwards, followed by my breasts and the fuzz between my legs coming into view. Then finally when I'd backed far away enough from the camera I could see most of my body except my feet. Then it hit me like a punch in the stomach when I realised I could see my face. And that meant anyone who'd seen this had also seen my face. Heart racing I decided to remove the video before anyone else could see it. In my admin panel I clicked on delete and a message popped up say 'Do you wish to delete comments as well?' I stopped dead. There were comments on the video. I felt my face flush and slowly clicked the cancel button. Glowing red and with butterflies I clicked back to the video, paused it, and scrolled down the page.

"Sexy lady! That's so hot! Keep it up."

"you beautiful and darring"

"christ what an ugly slut"

"I'd love to stick my head between your legs and lick you out"

"you should have gone for a walk around outside"

"fucking minger"

"i'd love to meet you in the toilet"

I felt ashamed about some of the comments because I knew they were true. Yes I was an ugly slut and a fucking minger but I was also beautiful and daring. I was both and that's who I was. Some part of my mind decided at that point I wasn't going to delete the video as even though some of the comments hurt me at least some of others made me feel better. However as the evening carried on and I got progressively drunk I kept one staring at one of the comments that stuck in my mind made me feel weak "you should have gone for a walk outside". I started into my second bottle of wine and started typing some notes.

I awoke late on Saturday morning with another thumping headache and headed down stairs to make some tea and toast. My head was throbing as I pieced together the previous night. My heart jumped again as I remembered the video with my face in it but then I remembered the comments. As soon as my tea was made I say down and switched on my PC screen and saw a Word document open on the desktop. I started reading what I'd typed the night before:

"Walk in the park naked. how? park is locked about 8.30 now auturm soon. broken fences down Meadowbank past council entrance from lorriesy? hide clothes? lock up in th old typewrited case? Padlock from bike to something. Hide other key on another in there place"

I must have been drunk when I wrote that but I pretty quickly understood exactly what I was thinking the previous night. God I must have been REALLY drunk because there was no way I was going to do that. No way at all. I finished my tea and toast and went to get changed and have a shower. I started cleaning myself up and washing my hair and let my mind drift off to think over some of the comments from my video.

Climbing out of the shower I started drying myself off and caught my reflection in the small bathroom mirror. I realised I was a fat, beautiful, ugly, sexy, daring slut. I'd NEVER EVER thought of myself like that before but as soon as I thought over what I'd done over the last week I realised it had to be true.

I felt sick in my stomach and wanted to throw up as it dawned on me that the only time I'd felt really alive in the last 57 years was when I had stripped naked in the toilet block in Marlow Park. I had no friends or family and the only emotions I'd really felt in my life before this week was duty, guilt, fear and emptiness. Now I yearned for something deep inside that I couldn't place or name but I knew that I needed. I felt completely worthless and knew myself to be a fat, ugly pig yet I also knew these new feeling were not going to leave me. With my head feeling fuzzy and spinning I got dressed and went downstairs to read my notes again.

It was 7.30. I'd had a busy afternoon and my mind was racing. I felt twisted inside with what I'd done but I'd done it. I was drinking beer from glass which I'd poured 10 minutes earlier. I had some more in the fridge to give me courage but for the moment I just sat down and tried to collect my thoughts.

Earlier that afternoon I'd gone to the shed. Inside on a shelf I found my padlock and chain from when I used to ride a bike. Then I'd gone into the roof space and found my old 1970's typewriter. I didn't want the typewriter but I did want the reinforced metal case it came in, sort of like a Samsonite briefcase only a bit narrower and higher. I checked that I could still snap lock the case and that I couldn't open it by hand. Once I'd confirmed this I opened the case again and then put the padlock, padlock key and chain inside and closed it, being careful NOT to snap the lock shut. I kept the key to the case in my pocket. Then I grabbed some adhesive tape and headed out for a walk. I headed down to the park and past the main entrance and towards the industrial estate. Up Meadowbank and past the council entrance and I walked along until I found a hole in the six foot vertical metal railing fence that was big enough to climb through. Some 5 to 10 feet back were some bushes and I could see the play area in the distance beyond those. Now I walked back around to the main entrance and then up through the park to the woods at the top. My stomach flipped and turned as I walked straight into the ladies toilet and to the furthest cubicle. I immediately got the key from my pocket, wrapped some tape around the key and stuck it under the cistern hidden out of sight. Then back outside and down to the shops to pick something up for dinner.

It was 8.45. I'd finished my beer and started another one. I had made some dinner but it sat uneaten on the table. I felt flushed and slightly giddy and couldn't focus. I was nervous and excited and alive. I switched on the TV to distract myself but that didn't help at all.

By 9.30 I was finishing my third beer. I was on the PC reading stories and looking at pictures from the Internet. I felt aroused and put my hands between my legs but then suddenly stopped.

"Only whores and slatterns touch themselves like that!" I heard my mother shouting at me.

I was frustrated with myself because this wasn't the place. I couldn't touch myself here in this house, in her house. Touching wasn't allowed and was bad and I was disgusting even thinking about it. I could only touch myself up there in the park.

Even then I knew that my thinking wasn't quite connected but that didn't concern me.

It was 11.45. I was walking pasted the entrance to the park and saw that it was locked up. I'd had five beers and felt that I could do this without chickening out, although every now and then the fear got me and I just wanted to run back home. I was dressed in a sweatshirt and jogging pants and simple slip on shoes. I carried my case, closed but not locked, from one hand. Inside it was the padlock and chain, my phone and a last minute addition that I added from something I'd seen on the net. It was one of my mother's brightly coloured lipsticks (I never wear make up so I didn't have any). I headed down Meadowbank until I was approaching the broken fence. I kept looking around but there was no one to be seen. Even the lighting was poor down here but that suited my plan better than bright light.

I reached the hole in the fence and as quickly as I could I climbed through. Once I was on the other side I looked around to see how I was going to do this. My pulse was racing, I was breathing hard and I was sweating profusely after the walk down from the house. I took all the bits out from the case and knelt down beside the fence. As quietly as I could I wrapped the chain around one of the metal fence poles then looped it through the handle of the case. Then I looped it through and around another time to use up the slack in the chain. Now I pulled the two ends of the chain together and snapped them into the padlock. I took the padlock key and placed it into the case.

I looked around again but could see no one. I tried to listen above the sound of the blood pumping in my ears but couldn't hear anything other than cars in the distance. I slipped off my shoes and put them in the case. I pulled of my sweatshirt and legging, folded them and stuffed them in as well. My hands were shaking badly as I attempted to unclip my bra. When I finally fumbled it open I let it slide down my arms onto the ground. I could feel the cool evening air on my body and my nipples stood up in response. Lastly I pushed down my knickers and let them drop onto my feet. My whole body was now shaking and trembling as I now tried to put these last two items into the case as well.

I physically twitched as I heard my mothers voice shouting "You're nothing except a degenerate whore".

I needed to act quickly so I grabbed my phone, knelt beside my case and reached out to take the best shot I could of me and the case that my shaking hands would allow. The flash blinded my and I panicked but after a few moments I could see again. Then I lowered lid, checked that I still had my phone and lipstick and clicked the locks home.

"Oh dear God. I feel sick. Oh God oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck what have I done? Oh dear Christ fucking fuck." I was panicking badly and pulled on the case and lock and chain but it wouldn't budge. "Fuck, shit fuck no open please just fucking open please open please. What have I fucking done?" I felt fear deep in me. True fear. I wanted to wee and poo myself there and then. I was going to die. They'd find me dead in the park. "Dead and naked but why was she naked?" I needed to calm down, to just calm down.

"Tina Cosgrove! What are you doing?" I heard my mother shouting at me. "You're a slut and a whore and a fat, ugly pig".

I tried deep breathing but I still feel sick. I sat on the ground with my head between my knees, breathing rapidly and I started to cry. "Oh what am I? A fucking, beautiful, ugly, stupid, stupid, stupid slut. Stupid, stupid." I had to calm down, a few more deep breaths and I'm still here. I need the key and that's not here. "Breathe and stop crying stop shaking. Slowly now start thinking." I needed the key. That's all. "Calm down and lets go get it."

I wiped my face on my arm and stood up. I felt nauseous but I looked around to see what I could see. Bushes ahead of me leading into darkness and that'll lead over to the play area. I started moving through the bushes and felt them clawing and pulling on my skin hurting my legs and stomach. I hadn't expected this at all so I slowed down and moved carefully. I was also starting to feel cold, colder than I imagined it would be. In my mind the temperature had been like a September day but this was night time and I'd been drinking. I had goose bumps all over my body and the hairs on my legs were standing up. My nipples were sticking well out from my sagging breasts and there were goose bumps on my areola as well.

I slowly calmed down and realised I was walking nude through the park at night. I was fully and completely naked and exposed to anyone who could see. I still felt sick but I also now starting to feeling more daring. I felt warmth rising from between my legs and I wanted to touch down there but I resisted. As my eyes adjusted to the dark I saw where I was heading. Ahead of me about 200 yards past the edge of the bushes was the new toilet block and play area and beyond that was the main path through the park. I didn't want to walk across that open space even if it was night and dark. So I could go left and follow the line of bushes that edged the park until I got up to the woods and then follow the tree line until it got to the main path. So I headed left and started walking.

I was now highly strung but not panicking any more. I felt on fire and I couldn't believe what I was doing. I forced myself to walk upright and swing my arms by my side instead of crouching and covering myself up. My head was spinning away again and I felt more alive now than ever before in my life. The absolute fear of death and discovery I'd felt a few minutes ago was now causing an almost euphoric high. I felt the cold air against my skin and loved it. I could also feel the coldness between my legs in contrast to the heat that I was sure was radiating from there

Soon I reach the trees and then moved along to the main path. I started very carefully following the path under the trees listening for any other noise or movement. It was also far darker that it had been out in the open and I was having a hard time seeing where I was going. However after I few minutes of walking I saw a path off to the left and I started up towards the almost hidden toilets. I felt a pang of fear as I realised there was no lighting. Then I really started panicking again as it occurred to me that the toilets might be locked. I ran forward the last few steps to the privacy wall and then saw that the door was open but it was dark beyond. I calmed down a bit and thought about how I was going to have to feel my way inside before I remembered I had a flash light thing on my mobile phone. I quickly selected it and a pool of light illuminated in front of me. I stepped inside the block to make sure that I couldn't be seen from outside, not that there was anyone to see it.

Inside I took slow steps towards the sink when suddenly there was a massive flash of light and the bright fluorescent light switched on. I was completely blinded and span around trying to see what had happened. All I could hear was my heart thumping and my harsh breathing above the hum of the lights. As my eyes attuned to the brightness I could see nothing except the empty area. Looking near the door I saw one of those funny light switches that activated by motion. I calmed down again and walked down to the last cubicle. Reaching in and under the cistern I found my key right where I left it. I turned and walked out and towards the sink. When I reached it I set my phone down with the video on record and angled so that it could see me. I put down the key and took the lid off the lipstick and did my make up for the first time in years.

Firstly I smeared the lipstick over my lips, all over my lips. It was bright purple and I deliberately smudged it towards my nose and onto my chin and used my fingers to swirl it around across my lower face. Next I coloured my drooping breasts from my cold pointing nipples all the way out across the areola until an area the size of a small saucer was purple. After that I added the finishing touches. Across my chest I wrote "SLUT" and across my stomach I wrote "FAT PIG".

Standing back a bit I coughed and started to speak. My voice squeaked. Coughing again I opened my mouth and said "I am a fat, ugly, beautiful, slut. I'm in the park toilet in the middle of the night and I've walked a mile away from my clothes. And I want to show you my cunt." I'd never ever said that word before but I knew what I wanted to do. I picked up the phone and walked straight to the toilet entrance. I didn't even check or sneak or care if anyone was out there. I waited until I could see a bit then I put my phone against the outside wall and pointed it back towards the pool of light spilling out past the privacy wall. I stepped back the that pool of light and said out loud again "I want to show you my cunt" and lay down on my back, spread my legs and ensured my groin pointed directly towards my phone.

I started rubbing my pea. No not my pea it was my clitoris. My clit, my hard fucking clit. I rubbed harder and harder and reached down with my other hand and started to slide a finger into and out of my vagina. Or cunt, my fucking cunt, my wet fucking cunt, big wet cunt. I'm a fucking cunt. Fuck, I'd never fucking done this before fuck. I'd never even used tampons or put anything in my cunt before. My mother told me only dirty girls and sluts did that. I lifted my hips and imagThe blows were remorseless. I'd never, ever seen my mother like this.ined being surrounded by men and women watching me rub my clit and shove my finger into my cunt. I felt the swirling, pulsing start to race through my body and my head span off. I was shaking and mumbling and rubbing and I felt what I now knew to be an intense orgasm surge through me. I saw stars and light and felt my own cunt pulse and contract. Slowly I came back to reality and awkwardly sat upright. I looked at the phone and said "Did you see my cunt. Did you see my orgasm? I am a dirty, ugly fucking whore. That's who I am." I felt tears start to run down my face and started to cry. "I'm a slut and a whore and a fat, ugly pig". I shook my head and willed the tears to stop but they kept rolling down. I felt so guilty, so ashamed just like I had done all my life. I just wanted to be... I just wanted to... I had no idea what I wanted... but I knew that there was a burning desire between my legs so powerful that it was taking control of me.

I clumsily got to my feet, picked up my phone and stopped recording. Backing into the toilet I grabbed my case key. Then I headed out again, waited for my eyes to adjust to the dark again and I stumbled off down the path. It took me about 10 minutes to get to the edge of the trees and I turned to head along to bushes in the direction of my case. I realised as I was walking that I wasn't paying much attention as I should be as my mind was reliving the earlier experience over and over with my body flushing red from embarrassment and desire. My feelings rapidly swung between elation and misery and I kept crying while I tried to understand what I was feeling.

Soon enough I reached the fence where my case was locked, opened it with no problems and got dressed into my sweatshirt and bottoms - I didn't bother with my underwear - I just threw those away. Then I unlocked the chain, put my bits into the case and climbed back out through the fence. I headed home and without thinking I immediately transferred tonight's photo's and video onto my PC. I then uploaded them onto my page without bothering to watch it and gave the video a simple description "what am I".

It was 2.30 and I was completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. I headed to bed expecting to lie awake but felt myself falling towards sleep rapidly. Just as I drifted off I remembered I'd left the purple lipstick by the sink in the park toilet.