Lauren's Lesson

Note: This chapter is meant to offer a learning moment. I do not condone the use of recreational drugs, but I do want to present a hypothetical situation that shows how easy it is to become addicted to opioids. This is from personal experience, so please learn from my mistake. I was given Percoset for a pulled tooth, and my dumb-ass girlfriend took me to a bar while I was taking two every four hours. I was able to kick the pills in two refills, but have been struggling with alcohol ever since. I did not drink prior to that, so take this as a lesson as to how easy it is to get hooked.

*

Lauren looked at me and giggled. She held her thumb and forefinger close to each other and grinned wildly.

"Maybe just a little." she replied with a toothy grin.

"We weren't gone that long." I observed. "What did you do?"

"Umm, maybe a shot of gin, and a wee old little white pill thingy." she responded. "Which one of you am I talking to?"

"The one to the left of where you're looking right now. Try another one."

"Another pill?"

"No!" I said sternly. "Another me!"

I turned to Angie.

"What the hell did you give her?"

"Just an Oxy. It'll wear off in a while."

"She doesn't drink more than a glass of wine every now and then." I explained. "That, plus a shot of liquor is going to knock her on her ass. Don't do it again, okay?"

Angie looked very contrite and nodded.

"I'm sorry, I won't." she promised.

"Good; thank you. Now that that's out of the way, have a look at this."

I picked up the bunch of papers and waved them around.

"You're on the cover of every supermarket tabloid that was in the racks." I said to Lauren. "Look at these headlines."

"Oh fuck!" Lauren mumbled. "People are going to recognize me. They're all going to stare at me now, Jack!"

"Like they haven't been already." I retorted. "Nude woman wandering around; running errands and going shopping. No one pays any attention to that.

"Oh yeah."

She giggled again, and I rolled my eyes. It was sort of amusing to see her this way, but I didn't want her making a habit of it.

"These are some nice shots." I said, as I stared at the covers. "Even with the censor bars, I could still jerk off to these pictures."

"I'll bet a ton of other guys will be too." Kathy observed. "At least we all get to see the real thing."

"Read one, Sir!" Lauren begged. "I can't get my eyes to focus enough to read."

I opened one of the rags, and my own focused eyes bugged out of my head. Along with the actual article, there was another photo. This one was taken inside the courtroom, and featured my wife in the throes of orgasm. Again, the good parts were covered, but the look on her face was obvious. I cleared my throat and began reading aloud:

"Woman Sentenced to Life Without Clothes." I began. "A federal judge last week sentenced a woman who was accused of indecent exposure at the ATL International Airport, to spend the rest of her life in the nude. The verdict came as a shock to some, who claim it could be construed as cruel and unusual punishment, except that the defendant was actually fighting for this very ruling.

"The defendant, Lauren Amy Newell is no stranger to controversy, however. In fact, she and her husband Jack Horner (yes, that is his real name), have an online reality show that features them in pornographic situations. A camera crew is present at all times just as any other reality show, except this one features full nudity and graphic sex between Newell and her husband, as well as random female strangers. As part of the sentence, Newell was also instructed to legally change her name to that of her stage name, Bo Dangles."

"I wonder if Kitty had anything to do with some of those sordid details." Lauren mused.

"Who's Kitty?" Kathy inquired.

"Kitty Cutler, our publicist," I responded, "and I'm quite certain she did."

"Go on!" Lauren urged. "I want to hear more!"

"While there are a few exceptions to her sentence to accommodate weather conditions or respectful settings, Miss Dangles must spend the rest of her life completely clothes free. She is permitted to wear shoes, gloves and a hat in the event it gets chilly, but nothing more.

"Since she is also prone to experiencing spontaneous orgasms, as referenced in the picture below, the judge has ruled that she is permitted to engage in sexual behavior in public if she feels the need is too great to ignore. Be forewarned! If you happen to live in her area, do not be shocked to see a totally nude woman in the bank or grocery store, or openly masturbating in the park. It's not illegal for her. It fact, it is illegal for her to be clothed!"

"Yikes!" Kathy exclaimed. "Talk about being brutally honest!"

"There's more," I said with a smile, "but I think you get the point."

"Wow!" Angie exclaimed. "You're really famous now!"

"Something told me this wouldn't be a local story." I noted. "It was just too bizarre. Leave it to Kitty to get this out there."

I was interrupted by the sound of my cell phone ringing, and picked it up.

"Speak of the devil." I said with a grin. "It's her."

"Hey there, jerking Jack Action." she cooed into my ear. "How are you doing?"

"Great!" I replied. "I just got back from the store with an armful of papers."

She laughed.

"I thought you'd be impressed." she replied. "I didn't want to spoil the surprise. What do you think?"

"We love it!" I said approvingly.

"Good! Because there's more!"

"Lemme put you on speaker." I said. "We're having a cookout at our new house with the current owners, and I'm sure everyone will want to hear what you have to say."

"Okay."

I put the phone on speaker.

"Okay, you're on."

"Hey Bo!" Kitty said.

"Hi Sweetie." Lauren responded.

"Okay, I hope you two are up for another trip, 'cuz I've got you booked on the Big Chin, Dave the Letter Guy and Orca. You're flying to New York, LA and Chicago. Full entourage too. Ms. Snelling wants all of this on your show, plus... with all of this new publicity, she's going for broke on advertising. She's pulled me off of everyone else and put me on you guys full time."

"That's awesome, Lauren!" Kathy burst out.

"And with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?" Kitty inquired.

"I'm Kathy. My wife Angie is here too. Jack and Lauren are buying the house from us. We're having a nude cookout."

"Too bad I'm in Cali." Kitty responded. "I'd love to have dropped by to meet you. Maybe you can do an episode on the show some time."

"Can't." Kathy replied wistfully. "We'd love to, but I'd lose my job. I'm sort of in the public."

"Ah, understood." Kitty said regretfully. "Too bad. Anyway, get your bags packed you two. You'll be leaving out Tuesday morning for New York."

"I have to get things taken care of with buying this house, selling my old house and Lauren's loft." I protested. "This is important."

"So is this! Just leave it all up to me, Darling." Kitty said reassuringly. "It's my job, remember? Send me all the info and I'll have an attorney handle everything for you. I'll get a nanny to take of Little Jack too. No worries! Perks of the biz. Gotta go. Toodles!"

She ended the call before I could respond, and I shrugged.

"Looks like we're going on tour." I said casually.

"That's so fucking awesome!" Angie burst out. "That is totally fucking cool! Want a Perc?"

"Actually, give me two. I'll find some vodka and cola to wash it down with." I responded. "Fuck, I'm already acting like we're in LA."

I popped the pills and had my drink, and several minutes later, my head began to lighten. I looked around and widened my eyes, flaring my nostrils and blinking.

"Kicking in?" Kathy inquired with a smile.

"Uh, yeah." I replied, as I stood up.

Now I've been drunk before, but it was nothing like this. I felt like I was walking on the moon, as I glided over to the bag of charcoal and picked it up. Apparently, I was as high as Mt. Everest, which didn't go unnoticed by Miss Angie. She giggled and started singing the theme from Daniel Boone, with a slight change in the lyrics.

"Daniel Boone was a man; yes a big man. High as an eagle and stoned as a mountain was he."

This elicited another round of giggles from her and my wife, and I figured she'd popped one as well. No wonder their swinging lesbian cookouts were so popular! I decided to chime in with some twisted words of my own.

"Jack Ac-tion was a man; yes a big man. He was hung, he was horny; with wood like a mighty oak tree!"

We all started laughing hysterically, and Kathy smiled.

"I may as well join in on the fun." she added as she swallowed a pill herself, along with a glass of white wine.

I dumped the charcoal on the grill and soaked it with lighter fluid for fifteen minutes before I put a match to it, while Kathy turned on the outdoor stereo. An hour later the meat was cooked, and I put it on a large platter.

"All done!" I exclaimed. "Now, we just need the veggies and stuff."

"Oh shit!" Angie slurred. "I forgot to cook!"

"Me too." Kathy agreed. "Ah, fuck it! We'll just eat the steak, that's all!"

I did my best to slice it as thin as I could in my condition, and did a fairly half-assed job, but it was still delicious.

"I need your steak seasoning recipe." I said to Angie. "That shit is awesome!"

Angie smiled and took a bite from a slice of steak she was holding in her hand. Juice dribbled down her chin and dripped onto her perky tits, so it was of course my responsibility as the lone male, to lick her titties clean!

"God, this shit's good!" Kathy exclaimed. "You're an awesome cook! You should do a nude cooking show too!"

"Yeah, I can see something popping on the stove and burning my junk." I replied. "No thanks!"

We all laughed, and polished off the rest of the London broil. Kathy turned the lights on, as it was beginning to get dark.

"Where the hell did the time go?" I inquired.

"Who cares?" Lauren giggled. "Time for another fill up."

She poured herself a mixed drink and helped herself to Angie's little plastic bottle that was sitting on the table.

"May I?"

"Careful." I cautioned. "Go easy on those."

"Just one more, Sir." she implored. "Please?"

"If it's okay with Angie." I grudgingly agreed.

Angie was too plastered to care, and waved her hand in agreement.

"I can get more." she slurred. "I know someone who can fill these, and she knows someone who write me... who CAN write me... as many refills as I need."

"Take one too, Sir." Lauren encouraged, holding her hand out. "I wanna dance."

I took the pill and washed it down with yet another mixed drink. How many of those I'd had, I had no idea. I'd lost track of when I'd lost track. Within ten minutes, I was back on Cloud Nine, and was slamming around to some Italian speed metal group fronted by a chick with a hell of a set of pipes.

This went on for some time, and we all eventually found ourselves in the pool. Angie was making some overt moves on me, but I was too wasted to care. I couldn't get it up anyway; one of the side effects of opium-based painkillers. I used my fingers on her instead, much to her delight. It was then, that I noticed the fantastic light show illuminating the trees alongside the driveway in red, white and blue strobes. Too bad it wasn't the Fourth of July!

"Oh shit!" Lauren burst out. "It's the fucking cops! Oh fuck!"

I dunked my head under the cool water for a few seconds, put my hands to the side of my head and pushed as hard as I could inside my head to force the blood from my brain, helping to clear my head. I then began taking in deep gulps of air to hyperventilate and fill my system with oxygen. I walked toward the garage and encountered two uniformed deputies as they rounded the corner of the garage.

"Uh, hey there." I greeted them. "Problem?"

"Hello." one of them responded as professionally as he could.

His female partner did not reply, but took in the view.

"Music's kinda loud." the first one observed. "Got a complaint about it."

"I will turn it off immediately!" I promised; so far, so good.

"Are you the homeowner?" The female deputy inquired, still staring at my dick.

"Not exactly." I explained. "My wife and I just bought this house, but it hasn't gone through yet. The current owners and we were kind of having a farewell party."

About that time, Kathy showed up with her humongous hooters hanging down by her navel.

"That would be me." she responded.

The male deputy's eyes got about as big as dinner plates, as they were glued to Kathy's enormous tits. She was aroused, and her giant nipples were over an inch long and half as much in diameter.

"I'll turn it down." she cooed.

As if on cue, my stoned-ass wife showed up to add to the pandemonium.

"Everything okay, Sir?" she inquired groggily.

"It was," I replied, "until everyone started showing up to try and help me with a situation that I am confident I had under control!"

"Hey, I know you!" the male deputy exclaimed, as he stared at my nude wife. "You're that nudist chick, right? I saw you on TV!"

"Yipper, Skipper." Lauren responded. "Want a pic with me?"

"No he doesn't, and go back to the pool!" I admonished her. "You're embarrassing me!"

I could feel the intoxication creeping back into my head, and I didn't know how much longer I could feign sobriety.

"I can't." he said regretfully. "I'd lose my job. I sure would like to though."

That was my cue.

"Why don't you take her picture then?" I suggested. "That's not involving you personally. It could be evidence or something."

He nodded eagerly, and pulled out his phone. I took the opportunity to draw in several more breaths and hold them, to saturate my system with oxygen again.

"Let's go, Ralph!" the female deputy interjected, taking him by the arm.

"But my picture!" he protested. "Her tits..."

"Let's go! Now!"

She looked at me and glared.

"I don't want to have to come back out here again, got it?!" she demanded.

I placed my palms together and nodded.

"Yes Ma'am. Have a blessed night."

I somehow managed to make it back to the stereo system that was housed under the waterproof kitchen counter and cabinets, and turned the music down to its lowest setting, before collapsing onto the patio and laughing my ass off. The entire high had returned with a vengeance, and I couldn't move. I lay there for fifteen minutes or so before I was able to stand and stagger over to one of the padded reclining deck chairs; dropping onto it and watching the entire galaxy whirl around above my head.

Suddenly, I didn't feel so well. I placed my right foot on the ground, but it didn't help much. Thirty minutes or so later, I felt my once-delicious London broil doing its best to exit my body from the same end it had entered. I staggered to my feet and did my best to cross the yard to the edge of the woods. The entire yard was moving in multiple directions, and I fell several times; finally opting to crawl the rest of the way.

It came out with a vengeance. I puked myself dry and stayed there on my hands and knees for several minutes, before attempting to make my way back to the patio. My head was still spinning and I was covered in prickly heat, so I slid into the pool and sat on the steps in the shallow end; slowly cooling down and regaining some sense of reality.

To my right, Lauren began heaving and suddenly blew chunks; puking all over her nude body. It was disgusting to watch, yet somehow erotic at the same time, as she vomited all over her tits. It didn't matter though. I was in no shape to do anything about it, even if fucking a puker was hot. I still couldn't get an erection, thanks to the pills.

Kathy dragged the garden hose over, and began spraying my poor wife down to try and rinse her off. When Lauren was clean enough, she helped her over to the outdoor shower so she could wash her body off the rest of the way.

Lauren dropped to her hands and knees and puked again, as the cool water cascaded over her. She was even worse off than I was, and I felt really bad for her. She dry heaved a few more times, and I finally got her into the coolness of the pool with me. I held her back against me and massaged her tits.

"Cum, Sweetheart." I urged. "It will make you feel better, I promise. I don't know why, but it will help."

Lauren whimpered in reply, but a minute or so later grunted.

"I'm going to cum." she whispered. "Oh please, let this work!"

Her tits squirted, and the spraying milk tinkled into the water. Her whole body shuddered, as she experienced an orgasm unlike any she had had before. After several minutes, she relaxed and fell back into my arms.

"It's okay, Sweetheart." I whispered. "Daddy's got you. It'll be okay."

She nodded and lay still; her chest heaving breathlessly.

"I feel better." she whispered back. "I'm still dizzy, but not as sick."

"I think the poison goes to certain organs," I suggested, "but I don't know. Once I can cum, I'll feel a lot better, but it won't be until morning when I can get hard again and jerk off."

We continued to sit in the cool water of the pool, until we passed out and fell asleep. Thank goodness we were on the steps, and our heads were on the patio, or we would both have drowned. I awoke several hours later and shook my wife.

"Lauren!" I said briskly. "Lauren, wake up!"

"What the fuck?" she responded, as she slowly came to. "Oh, my head!"

The water had chilled us and we were both shivering.

"Let's get in the shower." I urged.

We headed for the house and passed Angie and Kathy, who were both dead to the world and sprawled out spread eagle on the mat next to the pool. Kathy was snoring loudly, and Angie's right hand was still buried inside her cunt! I shook my head as we passed them and got into the bathroom. I turned on the mood lights in the tub and turned on both shower heads. We stepped into the cascade of hot water and pressed our bodies together, as we both shivered violently.

"I... I d-d-don't want t-to ever d-do that ag-ag-again.!" Lauren cried; her false teeth chattering violently. "I f-f-feel so b-bad! I f-feel like I want to d-d-die!"

She held me tightly and began weeping. I held tightly her as well, and we slowly warmed up in the tepid twin waterfalls of the custom shower. We finally stopped shivering, as our body temps slowly rose. We hadn't quite hit hypothermia, but it had been close. What we had done was stupid, and it could have killed us.

"Last year, a bunch of us got together to teach you a lesson," I said quietly, "but I think that today, we BOTH learned a very important lesson that none of us ever saw coming. I know I sure as hell did!"

"Me too." Lauren agreed.

Suddenly, the seriousness of the situation hit her.

"Oh my God, Jack!" she exclaimed. "What if this had happened at a Hollywood party instead?"

It was a legitimate question, and it needed to be addressed.

"Then it would have most likely been cocaine or crack instead, and you would have probably been raped at least a dozen times while we were both passed out. Maybe me too. A lot of those fuckers are faggots."

Lauren looked scared.

"Is this what we're getting into?" she inquired fearfully. "Is this the life we have become?"

"No!" I almost shouted. "We both made a mistake. It'll never happen again. We never touch so much as a beer again while in the presence of others. I have a brown belt and you have a black. If this ever happens in Hollywood, fuck the ramifications. Do what you need to do and make it count!"

Lauren kissed me on the lips and smiled in the dim green light.

"I wish I had Harvey Weinstein's balls in my hands right now." she said softly. "I'd crush them for five minutes like a handful of dried oregano going into my spaghetti sauce, before I finally ripped them off. He'd never hurt anyone again."

"Maybe that's what he needs." I mused. "He's a fucking predatory pervert. Ms. Snelling and Kitty seem to know everyone out there. I'll bet they could set it up. Maybe it's time HE learned a lesson!"