We've all heard how bad the NHS is getting these days, right? You can't see a GP and you if you need an ambulance you'll be lucky if one turns up after 12 hours and once you are at A&E you will spend God only knows how many hours laying on a trolley in some chilly and dingy corridor waiting to be seen by someone... anyone. That was my experience recently and luckily for me it all ended happily but it reminded me of the time I had to go to hospital when I was living and working in the Middle East some years ago. How different that experience was.
It was a private hospital and it looked more like a hotel and seemed to be run like one too. You had your own private room which was rally nice plus you had a TV and a radio. The food was delicious and you could have what you liked when you liked. And you could walk around the place if you wanted to (and if you were able to of-course) and socialise in the common room with other patients and even members of the staff and have a game of pool or pop down to the swimming pool or gym.
But the best thing about it though were the nurses. How many romantic stories or pornographic movies involve a sexy and beautiful nurse? How many sex games played by a couple involve a husband (for example) begging that his wife dress up like a nurse? Ask any schoolboy for instance to describe a sexy and beautiful woman and she would probably be a woman wearing a nurses uniform. And for once the erotic fantasy was true because believe you me all the nurses at that hospital really were sexy and beautiful. It could have been because of the pain and the drugs I was on at the time but they did all seem to look as if they were "Playboy" centrefolds.
And there was one in particular that I'll never forget. Her name was Veronica and she is a vision from heaven. Long golden curls, blue eyes and the longest legs, a great bum and fantastic tits. A Californian golden girl with a Colgate smile. A true schoolboy fantasy of what a woman should look like. She took my breath away and I just couldn't stop staring at her but I felt that even just staring at her was as dangerous as staring at the sun. One smile from her and a man would gladly jump off a cliff if he thought it would make her happy. Not surprisingly every man in the building went out of his way to get her attention and win her affection. Not that any one succeeded as far as I knew but that hadn't dented her popularity and she was unfailingly polite and friendly to everyone and would smile serenely as all the men crowded around her competing for her favour.
But there was one man she didn't like being chatted up by and that was Jake. Jake was an American. He was a big bloke as wide as he was tall with a big barrel chest and hairy as a gorilla, I mean he even had hair on his back! The only place on his body where he didn't have any hair was on his head. He was a merchant seaman an officer on a oil tanker. He was what you might call a "loud" American one of those "hail fellow well met" kind of people. He couldn't see someone without walking up to them and starting a conversation and telling jokes especially if that "someone" was one of the nurses.
We'd be playing pool in the lounge and then a couple of nurses would come in to get a drink or something and he'd stop to stare at them and would say something to them that to me sounded rather crude but which I knew was meant to be a taken as a compliment. They would laugh it off and made themselves scarce and Jake would watch them go and shake his head and give me a wink and tell me how shaggable they were and comment on their tits or legs or whatever which would then prompt him to tell me again all about woman and all about the women he'd known. He obviously thought he was God's gift to women but from what I could see women didn't think so and nor did God for that matter.
But he paid special attention to Veronica. "Cheer up sweetheart," he'd call out whenever he saw her, "it might never happen," and would then engage her in conversation which consisted of him telling her how beautiful and sexy she was and how much he loved her and asking her if she had a boyfriend and why oh why was she wasting her time working as a nurse when she could be a model? She would smile politely and then hurry off to seek refuge with her friends at a table at the other end of the room or simply flee the room altogether.
I really couldn't understand why he bothered. Why on earth would any woman, especially a woman like Veronica be interested in someone as crude and vulgar as him.
'Not getting anywhere with her are you?' I said one day as we played pool.
'Patience my son, patience,' he said with what I thought was misplaced bravado. Then taking his shot he pulled himself upright again and as he watched the ball just miss the corner pocket he added, 'what you need to understand is that no matter how often a woman says "no" if you keep at it for long enough she will crack and give in.'
That wasn't true in my (admittedly limited) experience.
'Do you fish?' he then asked
I shook my head.
'Well you should. Hooking a woman and landing her is just like fishing. You have to know what makes them tick, what their habits are, what they like. You need to find the right lure. You need to sit at the right spot on the river bank at the right time and keep casting your line and in the end they wont be able to resist and...bang you've got your hook into her!'
Another time he told me, 'see, the thing is if you are nice to them women will be nice to you. And if you want to be nice to a woman then all you have to do is flatter them by paying them compliments.'
'But that wont work with her though,' I said lining up my next shot, 'I bet she's heard it all before loads of times.'
'Don't you believe it son,' snorted Jake. 'The trick is to make a fuss over her. You tell her how beautiful she is. How sexy she is. How much you love her and then one day...you stop and instead you ignore her.'
'And then what happens?'
'They start to worry and try to find out why you have stopped paying her compliments. Then they will quite happily spread their legs for you to make you start saying nice things to them again.'
'Really?'
That
did not sound in the least bit believable.
'Sure. Why do you think that after you've banged them women always ask if you "love" them?'
I didn't think that was the reason. In my opinion a woman who had just slept with a man wanted assurance that she hadn't made a mistake. She'd agreed to go to bed with you because she loves you and she is hoping that feel the same way.
And of-course he got round to wondering why I hadn't had a crack at her. It almost sounded I had to prove to him that I was a "real" man and try it on with her. But to be honest I was a bit intimidated by her because I knew she was way out of my league. A woman like that is only seen in the company of film stars, millionaires and the members of the aristocracy and I wasn't any of those things. But Jake didn't see it that way,
'Thing is buddy,' he said one day 'guys like you always make the same mistake. You see a chick like Veronica and you walk on by. What you don't realise is that women like her expect men to approach her. And these women are so vain. They think they are untouchable. But they aren't. Veronica is no different from any other woman.'
'So what do you reckon your chances are with Veronica then?' I asked.
'Well the doctor says I'm almost healed up so I'll have to move fast,' he said in all seriousness.
I let that go. It was just all talk after all. It was quite obvious to me at least that Veronica was not charmed by Jake and that he was not the kind of man who could talk her into bed.
But what do I know? One night I woke up because I needed the bathroom. On my way down the corridor I passed Jake's room and noticed that the light was on and that the door was ajar. I popped my head in to make sure everything was alright and say "hello"when I noticed that Veronica was also in the room standing at his bedside with her back to me.
I heard her ask, 'are you feeling better now?'
'Just looking at you makes me feel good,' said Jake in a breaking voice.
'Now be careful Jake. Don't over do things.'
'I promise I wont but you must help me.'
Then there was a long silence.
