How Did That Happen?
I used to think this kind of story was made up and that this kind of situation never really happened. At least I believed it was never really going to happen to me. I'm not young. I don't have an eight-inch dick and I'm not built like a romance novel cover model. Still, I found myself naked and asking, "How did this happen?" But, I'm getting ahead of myself. It's best to being where the trouble started.
I'm newly divorced and some old friends came by to see my new "bachelor pad" in Hyde Park near the college. These particular friends were Tracey and Carrie, the literal girls-next-door growing up. Tracey is one year older than I and Carrie is five years younger. They have a brother aged in between that I used to hang out with, but I'll only reference him once later, so you can pretty much forget about him. Anyway, we'd kept in touch over the years in the same fashion childhood friends often do. There was a lot of, "We'll get together soon." Then five or ten years would pass and I'd think, "I haven't seen them in a while." Eventually, we just fell into the habit of seeing each other at significant events like graduations, funerals and divorces. Divorce was the event that brought them out this time.
They had just arrived, and I was giving them the Grand Tour of my two-bedroom condo, "Through here is the lovely windowless closet that is my bathroom. But at least I have a new shower head-sprayer-thingy."
"And a glass door," Tracey added. "Tommy built himself porn shower!"
"The shower door came with the place."
"Okay. It's all the better to see you when you demonstrate how to use your new shower head later," she replied.
"You'd be disappointed," I countered and thought they would let the matter drop. Instead, they both just stood there apparently waiting for me to continue. Then Carrie raised one eyebrow--questioning. Then they both let the pressure of silence build up until I relented, "Okay--Zoloft. It's Zoloft. I won't be on it much longer but is has the side effect of decreasing...arousal."
"They have other pills for that," Carrie piped in.
"Yes, they do. And, if you take them with Zoloft, you wind up with a chemical boner
and
decreased arousal. The combination has the combined effect of keeping the pressure building up until you feel like your eyes are going to pop-out."
"I've never seen a man's eyes pop out," Tracie replied, "Carrie, have you ever seen a Man's eyes pop out?"
"Not yet," Carrie grinned. "But the night is still young."
I rolled my eyes and, with the tour concluded, wandered back toward the kitchen. Tracey walked through and out the back door on to the balcony for a cigarette. Well, actually, Tracey doesn't really walk. She stomps. She brings her whole foot down flat and so hard that I wonder if she is trying to beat the floor into submission. There is nothing subtle about Tracey. I regarded her for a moment and turned to Carrie. "I thought she quit smoking?"
"She mostly did." Carrie smiled, "but, she still has one when she goes out to parties or thinks about naked men."
"You're going to be jerking my chain all night, aren't you?" I asked.
"Some chains need jerking. Don't you think?" Carrie has a way of asking a question and then just waiting for an answer. She doesn't say anything. She'll just stare at you or shift her posture and let the weight of the moment drag on you until the weight of it pulls you down into confession. But, in this case, I had nothing to confess, so I just stared back at the petite-ish middle-aged woman with blonde hair and gray eyes. Not a bad view.
The two of us continued to say nothing while I busied my hands getting the salad ready for dinner. We could hear Tracey talking to my upstairs neighbor through the open window and the automotive bustle sounds of the city beyond. Still, we kept our silence. It was Tracey who broke the silence for us when she announced, loud enough to be sure I heard, "Yeah. Tommy is going to get naked later and show us how he uses his porn shower."
"I am not," I protested. I dropped the veggies and went over to the screen door. Tracey was on the porch with my college aged neighbor, Ami, and girl I hadn't met yet. "I am not naked. Tracey and Carrie just came over to welcome me back to being single, but Tracey can't do anything without pushing people's buttons."
"It's like being in college," Tracey explained. "
Welcoming
and
hazing
are really just synonyms."
"There you have it. I'm being
hazed
back into single life and making eggplant parmesan, if either of you are interested."
"Interested in the eggplant? Or, interested in the hazing?" the new girl asked.
"Ooooooo! You're direct," Carrie said and broke into a lascivious smile. "We're gonna be friends. I'm Carrie, this is my sister Tracey, and the soon-to-be-naked person is Tommy."
Ami took up the introductions for herself and her friend, "I'm Ami and this is my friend, Aiko. She's just visiting while I'm on break."
"So, you're in college then." Tracey was just not letting up. "Would you please tell Tommy that, in your collegiate experience, hazing and welcoming are kind of synonymous?"
"I'll be a Senior this year. And college kids do really think of hazing and welcoming as being synonyms," Ami continued.
"It makes me kind of glad I graduated." Aiko threw her amrs up into the air and announced, "Bachelors in Psychology! Not that I was ever hazed naked, while getting my degree"
"I don't know why Tommy is worried about being naked," I heard Carrie say from behind me. I turned around toward her and she continued with a smile, "After all, you saw me naked once. Fair is fair."
I was aghast. "It wasn't by my choice," I argued. "And, you were all of eight-years-old."
Aiko's eyes just got wide and she asked, "How did that happen?"
Tracey replied, "My parents were both working, so we all had chores. One of mine was to make sure Carrie had a bath. Like all kids, we messed around all day and were running out of time, so I had to be upstairs in the bathroom with Carrie, while my brother, Tommy and two of my friends were downstairs playing cards. And, I guess I was a little resentful about it. Anyway, we were talking about kids in her class, and I asked if she thought and of them were cute. She said she thought Tommy was cute."
Carrie picked us the story without missing a beat. "I was just trying to annoy her and I could tell that it was working when her face changed, so I said, 'he's gonna be my boyfriend.' Next thing I knew, Tracey pulled me out of the tub and half-dragged me down to the other room--naked and wet. She pushed me into Tommy and said 'she wants to be your girlfriend.' Tommy turned beet red and everyone else was laughing. But, alas, he rejected me."
"You were eight and I was thirteen. Rejection was appropriate at that moment."
"Maybe, but it was my first rejection. It broke my little heart." Carrie paused again and puffed out her bottom lip. She was trying to let the silence build again, like it did before, but couldn't maintain it. Finally, the corners of her mouth twerked up and she started laughing--to my relief.
"I could have handled that better," I began. "My apologies for my part in in."
"It's okay," Carrie replied. Then she stopped, sighed a little and walked over to give me a hug. I just stood there with my arms around her and my cheek resting on top of her head. "Besides, it's not like that's the only time she did something like that. You need to be careful when Tracey is around." Then, right on queue, Tracey pantsed me from behind--to everyone else's laughter.
Tracey began announcing in the voice of a Ringmaster, "There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and see the one, the only, Naaa-keddddd Tommy!" She then started clapping. "Somebody get a picture."
"No pictures!" I shouted. Then I picked up Carrie and did a quick pivot so she was between me and the rest of the girls. "No pictures. Put the cameras down."
"Hmmmm? No!" Tracey replied. I tried to grab the door, but Tracey just stuck her foot in it, smiled back at me and snapped a picture of me holding Carrie in front of me.
"Not fair." I started again. "Come on give me the camera."
"Tommy is just embarrassed because he thinks Zoloft will keep his little Tom-tom from working." Tracey was laughing, "But, I'll bet it's working now!"
"Nope," Carrie replied. "You lose the bet. It's kinda folded against my stomach at the moment, so I can definitively say it isn't working."
"Too much information," Ami said while laughing.
"Nope," Carrie replied again laughing. "Definitely he's definitely not too much at the moment."
"Would you please give me the phone?" I pleaded.
After another moment, Tracey started to smile again. I was really starting to hate it when she did that. "Okay. I'll erase the picture and give you the phone, but you must lose the shirt too. You need to be as naked as Carrie was and we all get to see."
"There really isn't much to see," Carrie replied and laughed again. "Think about it, Tommy. You can't hold me AND close the door at the same time. Any time I decide to wriggle free it's gonna be
The Full Monty
."
"Okay." I gave in with a sigh and then started to back into the kitchen. I kept Carrie held in front of me like a modesty blanket as I backpedaled. "Hand over all the cameras and I will, but I need all the phones."
Carrie gave me a slap on the ass while Tracey turned to the other two. "Well, ladies. There you have it. The choice is yours. In or out?"
"I should probably go call my boyfriend," a blushing Ami replied.
