A nice little cottage in the country, and at such a good rate. I like hunting out bargains on the Internet; you can get some really good deals if you look hard enough. Well I suppose it was rather out of season, still I was pleased to get it for my little winter break even if it did mean answering all those questions - some promotional gimmick I suppose, collecting information for a profile to sell to advertising agencies. Well they could know how old I was and all that nonsense if it got me the cottage cheap for a week.
It was about five miles out of the village of Knocklaw Hill, a bit isolated it had a large living area with oak beams and everything, a well appointed modern kitchen, two bedrooms and a modern bathroom suite. It was probably the weekend retreat of some city people let out for the winter to recoup some of the cost. Perfect for a single young man wanting a week of peace and quiet.
I was surprised then to get a knock on the door that sunny afternoon. I didn't know anyone there, perhaps it was somebody who knew the owners. I opened the door to two rather attractive young ladies. Outside the door stood a Porsche and a large van at the end of the drive up from the main road.
"Good afternoon," said a pert dark haired girl with a big smile, well I'm always a sucker for pretty dark haired girls with big smiles, "my names Samantha and we are from Girly Films..." She waited, obviously expecting me to say something.
"What?"
"Girly Films."
"Sorry."
"You must have heard of us. We are an Internet channel. You must have heard of us. We are girls who make films, show them in the Internet, people subscribe to our channel and we make money. Yes..."
"No, sorry. I'm not much into Internet channels."
"Oh well, never mind. Well we are looking for a cottage to use for a location shoot for one of our shows, and we thought this one would be perfect for it.
"Oh," I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just renting the cottage. You would need to contact the owners."
"Yes, we already have."
"Right, well I'm here this week so I suppose you can shoot here any time after then."
"No, you don't understand, we need to shoot today. Sorry, I know it's a real nuisance, but we wondered if you would mind. It could be quite fun for you."
"Seems more of a disruption to me."
"No, it would be great fun, you see you could actually be in it. That's how we keep our costs down, we use members of the public in our shows. It's one of our gimmicks."
"You mean I'd be some sort of extra?"
"Not at all," she was quite persuasive really with her big eyes and her bigger smile, "you'd be one of the main characters."
"But I've no acting experience."
"That's the whole point. We use unknown members of the public, that way viewers don't spend the whole time saying, 'There's that bloke who was in Dr Who or Sherlock or whatever."
"But how long would I have to learn the lines?"
"There aren't any lines. That's the other thing. The other big selling point. The whole show is improvised round a basic plot."
"I would have to make it up as I went along?"
"Not quite, we give direction as to what you have to do, but to some extent you decide what you say."
"Well, I don't know. When would you want to start shooting?"
"Right away if course. We've found that we can't give our victim, sorry little joke, our star from the public, time to think about it. It spoils the spontaneity. Say the word and I'll get the film crew out the van and set up in ten minutes. There's no fee or anything I'm afraid, just the fun of doing it for you."
"Oh, well..., right.., yes... I suppose."
I always fancied myself as an actor. It would be fun, although it sounded a bit amateurish and there would probably only be a handful of people watching their internet channel. And she did have a big smile. But cheap little films. How on earth could she afford a Porsche?
"Great, Monica, get the crew in here, and I'll run over the plot and how we do things with... With... Sorry I don't know your name."
"Joe,"
"Great, I'll tell you what it's all about.
*************
Samantha sat down in the sitting room and explained. I was to be a character who had rented a country cottage for a week when two girls knock at the door and explain they are from a film company and they want to use the cottage for a location shoot.
"But that's what happened," I said.
"Exactly," and Tracey filmed the whole thing from the van, so we've got material for that already.
"Oh gosh..."
"Exactly, all in the bag and naturalistic. Nothing fancy, it's got to look a bit like a fly on the wall documentary."
"I see. Well what happens now. What's the plot."
"Well you agree to the filming, but owing to a misunderstanding you don't realise that they are actually going to shoot a porn film. This will lead to some hilarious consequences. Well that's the idea anyway, you never quite know with improv shows do you?"
"I suppose not," I had really no idea what would happen in improv shows.
"The important thing is that however obvious it must be that it's a porn film, your character mustn't realise. He goes along with everything that is asked as it gets stupider and stupider."
"In what way does it get stupider?"
"Well, we've got some ideas, but I can't let on or we won't get a natural reaction. That's right Tracey get the cameras set up. There and there I think. Can I introduce the two members of the crew. That's Tracey who generally looks after the filming, and that's Lucy, final year in college on work experience, odd job girl. She generally runs around doing what she's told. I'll direct and Monica will play the other part in the film. The actress who is going to do the porno stuff that is."
"You mean she's going to take her clothes off?"
Oh gosh! This might get quite exciting.
"Naughty Boy! That would be telling wouldn't it! I think they're all set up. As you see it's a simple three camera set up, filming from three different angles. The mikes on the cameras will pick up the sound. It will sound and look amateurish, but that's the point. We start at the point where I, as the director of the film, tell you what it's about and you don't realise what sort of film it is. Don't worry if you fluff lines or have to stop and ask what's going on, or I shout directions at you. The character you are playing is playing a character. That's the whole beauty of the thing. It will add some realism."
"I see, right..."
"Okay, Tracey are we ready"
Tracey gave a thumbs up.
"Lucy, let's roll."
Lucy stood in front of the camera with an old fashioned clapperboard. Probably just for show for the the pretend film."
"Naughty Girl, Scene one, take one," she said, and we were away.
***************
Samantha sat next to me in her role as 'director' of the pretend film company,
"Right, let me outline the plot for you. This is a BGSW film in which you and Monica are going to star."
BGSW, I had to pretend not to know what it meant. Not hard as I didn't know what it meant.
"BGSW?" I said, trying to sound bemused.
"Yes, you do know what it means don't you?"
"Of course, er... British Girls....." I allowed my voice to tail off as if bemused. I thought I was getting quite good at this. I saw Tracey give a thumbs up out the corner of my eye. I must be doing well.
"Yes a British Girls BGSW," said Samantha as if misunderstanding me, "now Monica will come to the door and she will be a ladies lingerie salesgirl. The sort that goes round people's houses demonstrating ladies underwear. And we'll get into a situation where she starts demonstrating it. You will get more and more embarrassed. But remember you must play along, at no point must you realise this is a porn film. Do you understand?"
"Of course."
"Good, Lucy, Take it away."
Once again Lucy got out the clapperboard, this time for the pretend film. It was all getting rather confusing.
"Naughty Girl, Scene one, Take one," she said. And there was a knock at the door. I answered it. Monica stood there dressed in a smart long coat and carrying a large suitcase. She was a red head, long legs, big tits, she was heavily made up. She looked stunning even in that outfit.
"Hello," she said, "I'm from Naughty Girls. You asked for someone to call."
"Um.. I don't think so..."
"Yes you did. Appletree Cottage. I have it here on my phone."
"But this is Appleyard Cottage," I thought that was a good touch.
"Oh dear," said Monica, a bit hammy I thought.
"I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place."
"But I have to make a sales pitch today. Where is Appletree Cottage?"
"I'm afraid I've no idea."
"Oh no! I'll get the sack if I don't demonstrate some of our goods to a customer."
She really was a dreadful hammy actor. I was a bit stumped what to say.
"Ask her what goods..." Called out Samantha.
