A nice little cottage in the country, and at such a good rate. I like hunting out bargains on the Internet; you can get some really good deals if you look hard enough. Well I suppose it was rather out of season, still I was pleased to get it for my little winter break even if it did mean answering all those questions - some promotional gimmick I suppose, collecting information for a profile to sell to advertising agencies. Well they could know how old I was and all that nonsense if it got me the cottage cheap for a week.
It was about five miles out of the village of Knocklaw Hill, a bit isolated it had a large living area with oak beams and everything, a well appointed modern kitchen, two bedrooms and a modern bathroom suite. It was probably the weekend retreat of some city people let out for the winter to recoup some of the cost. Perfect for a single young man wanting a week of peace and quiet.
I was surprised then to get a knock on the door that sunny afternoon. I didn't know anyone there, perhaps it was somebody who knew the owners. I opened the door to two rather attractive young ladies. Outside the door stood a Porsche and a large van at the end of the drive up from the main road.
"Good afternoon," said a pert dark haired girl with a big smile, well I'm always a sucker for pretty dark haired girls with big smiles, "my names Samantha and we are from Girly Films..." She waited, obviously expecting me to say something.
"What?"
"Girly Films."
"Sorry."
"You must have heard of us. We are an Internet channel. You must have heard of us. We are girls who make films, show them in the Internet, people subscribe to our channel and we make money. Yes..."
"No, sorry. I'm not much into Internet channels."
"Oh well, never mind. Well we are looking for a cottage to use for a location shoot for one of our shows, and we thought this one would be perfect for it.
"Oh," I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just renting the cottage. You would need to contact the owners."
"Yes, we already have."
"Right, well I'm here this week so I suppose you can shoot here any time after then."
"No, you don't understand, we need to shoot today. Sorry, I know it's a real nuisance, but we wondered if you would mind. It could be quite fun for you."
"Seems more of a disruption to me."
"No, it would be great fun, you see you could actually be in it. That's how we keep our costs down, we use members of the public in our shows. It's one of our gimmicks."
"You mean I'd be some sort of extra?"
"Not at all," she was quite persuasive really with her big eyes and her bigger smile, "you'd be one of the main characters."
"But I've no acting experience."
"That's the whole point. We use unknown members of the public, that way viewers don't spend the whole time saying, 'There's that bloke who was in Dr Who or Sherlock or whatever."
"But how long would I have to learn the lines?"
"There aren't any lines. That's the other thing. The other big selling point. The whole show is improvised round a basic plot."
"I would have to make it up as I went along?"
"Not quite, we give direction as to what you have to do, but to some extent you decide what you say."
"Well, I don't know. When would you want to start shooting?"
"Right away if course. We've found that we can't give our victim, sorry little joke, our star from the public, time to think about it. It spoils the spontaneity. Say the word and I'll get the film crew out the van and set up in ten minutes. There's no fee or anything I'm afraid, just the fun of doing it for you."
"Oh, well..., right.., yes... I suppose."
I always fancied myself as an actor. It would be fun, although it sounded a bit amateurish and there would probably only be a handful of people watching their internet channel. And she did have a big smile. But cheap little films. How on earth could she afford a Porsche?
"Great, Monica, get the crew in here, and I'll run over the plot and how we do things with... With... Sorry I don't know your name."
"Joe,"
"Great, I'll tell you what it's all about.
*************
Samantha sat down in the sitting room and explained. I was to be a character who had rented a country cottage for a week when two girls knock at the door and explain they are from a film company and they want to use the cottage for a location shoot.
"But that's what happened," I said.
"Exactly," and Tracey filmed the whole thing from the van, so we've got material for that already.
"Oh gosh..."
"Exactly, all in the bag and naturalistic. Nothing fancy, it's got to look a bit like a fly on the wall documentary."
"I see. Well what happens now. What's the plot."
"Well you agree to the filming, but owing to a misunderstanding you don't realise that they are actually going to shoot a porn film. This will lead to some hilarious consequences. Well that's the idea anyway, you never quite know with improv shows do you?"
"I suppose not," I had really no idea what would happen in improv shows.
"The important thing is that however obvious it must be that it's a porn film, your character mustn't realise. He goes along with everything that is asked as it gets stupider and stupider."
"In what way does it get stupider?"
"Well, we've got some ideas, but I can't let on or we won't get a natural reaction. That's right Tracey get the cameras set up. There and there I think. Can I introduce the two members of the crew. That's Tracey who generally looks after the filming, and that's Lucy, final year in college on work experience, odd job girl. She generally runs around doing what she's told. I'll direct and Monica will play the other part in the film. The actress who is going to do the porno stuff that is."
"You mean she's going to take her clothes off?"
Oh gosh! This might get quite exciting.
"Naughty Boy! That would be telling wouldn't it! I think they're all set up. As you see it's a simple three camera set up, filming from three different angles. The mikes on the cameras will pick up the sound. It will sound and look amateurish, but that's the point. We start at the point where I, as the director of the film, tell you what it's about and you don't realise what sort of film it is. Don't worry if you fluff lines or have to stop and ask what's going on, or I shout directions at you. The character you are playing is playing a character. That's the whole beauty of the thing. It will add some realism."
"I see, right..."
"Okay, Tracey are we ready"
Tracey gave a thumbs up.
"Lucy, let's roll."
Lucy stood in front of the camera with an old fashioned clapperboard. Probably just for show for the the pretend film."
"Naughty Girl, Scene one, take one," she said, and we were away.
***************
Samantha sat next to me in her role as 'director' of the pretend film company,
"Right, let me outline the plot for you. This is a BGSW film in which you and Monica are going to star."
BGSW, I had to pretend not to know what it meant. Not hard as I didn't know what it meant.
"BGSW?" I said, trying to sound bemused.
"Yes, you do know what it means don't you?"
"Of course, er... British Girls....." I allowed my voice to tail off as if bemused. I thought I was getting quite good at this. I saw Tracey give a thumbs up out the corner of my eye. I must be doing well.
"Yes a British Girls BGSW," said Samantha as if misunderstanding me, "now Monica will come to the door and she will be a ladies lingerie salesgirl. The sort that goes round people's houses demonstrating ladies underwear. And we'll get into a situation where she starts demonstrating it. You will get more and more embarrassed. But remember you must play along, at no point must you realise this is a porn film. Do you understand?"
"Of course."
"Good, Lucy, Take it away."
Once again Lucy got out the clapperboard, this time for the pretend film. It was all getting rather confusing.
"Naughty Girl, Scene one, Take one," she said. And there was a knock at the door. I answered it. Monica stood there dressed in a smart long coat and carrying a large suitcase. She was a red head, long legs, big tits, she was heavily made up. She looked stunning even in that outfit.
"Hello," she said, "I'm from Naughty Girls. You asked for someone to call."
"Um.. I don't think so..."
"Yes you did. Appletree Cottage. I have it here on my phone."
"But this is Appleyard Cottage," I thought that was a good touch.
"Oh dear," said Monica, a bit hammy I thought.
"I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place."
"But I have to make a sales pitch today. Where is Appletree Cottage?"
"I'm afraid I've no idea."
"Oh no! I'll get the sack if I don't demonstrate some of our goods to a customer."
She really was a dreadful hammy actor. I was a bit stumped what to say.
"Ask her what goods..." Called out Samantha.
"Er... What goods?" I asked.
"My lingerie. I'm a salesperson for Naughty Girls lingerie. I'm supposed to let the customers see what our products are like when they are worn."
The penny dropped. That was the plot. She was a salesgirl for naughty underwear and she was going to demonstrate it to me! This was going to be fun.
"Well, you can always let me see what they are like on..."
"Oh I see. I see," said Monica, "you didn't really send for me..." she winked elaborately, "but now that I'm here you want to see what they look like. Perhaps you want them for a friend?" and she winked elaborately again.
She opened up her suitcase to show it was packed with sexy ladies' underwear.
"Yes, exactly," I said, "for a friend."
I couldn't wait to see Monica trying those on.
"Perhaps this," she said, holding up a pink silk strapless bra. She would look really sexy in that. I wondered if I'd actually get to see her tits, or if that would be off limits for this film. Of course it wouldn't. Nobody worries about showing tits on TV nowdays, anyway it was Internet TV.
"Absolutely!" I said.
"There you are then," she held it out to me, "I think it's your size."
"You want me to try it on!"
"Of course, the customer always tries on the goods. You weren't expecting me to put it on we're you?"
"Well er..." I looked at Samantha for help. What was I supposed to do?
"Go on," she said, "put it on! That's the whole joke."
"Oh I see..."
"Thank you.." I said to Monica, returning to character. "I'll just..." I took the bra and put it on.
"I think it would be better without your shirt on," said Monica, "you'll get the feel against the bare skin."
Samantha mimed me taking off my shirt. Not what I'd been expecting but it was a good joke for the film. No doubt Monica would be showing her impressive tits later. It was a porn film after all.
I took off my shirt and put on the bra.
"How is that?"
"Perfect," I said. May as well keep the joke going.
"And these are the panties to go with it."
I looked at Samantha, "I can't put the panties on!" I said.
"Why not?"
"Well... I mean... I can't get undressed here."
"But the jokes really good. You have to."
"But people will see my..." my voice tailed off.
"Nobody minds seeing cocks on television nowadays! In fact they like seeing cocks on television."
"But... I mean..."
"You're not shy are you. I know. Go behind the sofa to get undressed. We can see the top half while you take your pants off. It'll be hilarious. Don't worry shy boy, none of us can see behind the sofa from here."
"And I can wear the panties over my underpants!"
Samantha thought a second, "No, no. That's no good. It'll be much funnier if you take everything off, except your bra of course, and chuck them over the sofa. The audience will love that. They'll know you're naked behind the sofa though they can't see."
"But..."
"It s all right. You'll look quite respectable in those panties. Hilarious, but respectable."
"If you say so."
"Thank you," I resumed my part again, "I'll just go behind the sofa and try these on."
I took the panties and went behind the sofa.
