It's easy to blame the parents. In truth, they have a bit to answer for; conceiving me in the first place, and raising me in two different homes at opposite ends of a small town. Any child of a messy divorce can relate to the feeling of untethered chaos that follows a split house. I was, and still am, at sea, clinging to that sense of comfort, the tangible reality of being connected to the people around you. Which only partly explains why I'm standing on top of a mountain, watching the sun set over an iridescent bay, with three people I'd only recently called friends, completely, unambiguously, naked.
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"We're glad you came," Sienna said as she flicked her black curls from her forehead. It was Sienna that had invited me, even though I was new, and shy, and maybe not what this little group of girlfriends had anticipated for a weekend away.
"We've each got a room," Sienna said, "You're in the back there, next to me."
"It's a beautiful house," I offered as small talk. "How do you know these people?"
"I don't. It's Maysie. A cousin I think? It's usually booked out, they had a late cancellation, and we jumped at the chance for a girls weekend. We needed it, after the last few months, don't you think?"
We did. I'd only been at the company for a few months, but a sense of joyless monotony and doom had permeated the office since news of an impending takeover had filtered into water cooler conversation.
The girls -- Sienna, Maysie and Bee -- had welcomed me warmly. Because when I say the "girls", I mean we were the "girls". The only four girls in an office of thirty-five. I guess it was natural that we fell in with each other. We'd had drinks a few times, letting loose on a Friday, sharing gossip... like any workplace. I was surprised to get an invitation to this little shindig. But a person with confidence issues who constantly feels a sense of rejection doesn't blink at opportunities like this, so here I am.
"Come and sit out the back. We've already got the Sangria's flowing."
Sienna led me to an outdoor deck perched high in the hills above a long stretch of white beach. In the distance fluffy waves were noiselessly breaking.
Looking up from her magazine, Bee held a glass out to me.
"Hello friend, are you ready to party?"
"Yes, I guess so," I replied, revealing that perhaps I wasn't as ready as what Bee was.
"Take this, it'll help."
Bee handed me a full glass, flicked her blonde shoulder-length hair, and turned back to her magazine.
"What's the capital of Spain?"
"Barcelona," chorused Maysie, walking out from the kitchen behind me, and Sienna, who had settled herself down on a couch opposite Bee.
"It's Madrid," I said, hoping I didn't sound condescending.
"Oh yeah, of course it is!" Bee scribbled it down. "Now for 15 across..." she trailed off.
Maysie was the alpha of the group, not only because of her short cropped spiky brown hair, or because her cousin owned the joint. She was a boss, in that subtle way that leaders manifest themselves. You found yourself seeking her approval when you spoke, or the room felt empty and stifled when she wasn't there to lubricate the conversation. She was everybody's favourite if you dared to ask, not that you needed to.
We sat in the cool afternoon breeze drinking Sangria's and white wine while nibbling on an array of cheeses and olives, delicately laid out by our host. Talk turned to what the next day might bring.
"I think we hit the beach in the morning, then maybe a hike up the mountain in the afternoon? Should be able to get a sunset view with enough time to make it down before it's too dark?"
We acquiesced to Maysie as leader; also the only one who knew the area. I was happy for the company and the easy way that I was made to feel a part of the group, who clearly had a bond forged by shared experiences in a demanding workplace. Bee continued with her crossword, looking up periodically to add a word or two to a conversation, or else ask for help for 19 down. Sienna sat close to me, turning her shoulders square, her elbow leaning nonchalantly on the back of the lounge. She had piercing black eyes that craved contact, which I struggled to maintain, and a funny way of considering everything you said with an uncomfortable silence while she nodded slowly, taking it in.
"Why did you move across the whole country? Running away from something?"
I guess I was. I liked to think I was running to something, trying to find the person I wanted to be, far away from the suffocating expectations of parents who only had me in common. It's not them I was escaping, it was me. Or what I thought of me.
"Just a fresh start. I didn't have much holding me to the east coast. The job came up, it seemed to suit me, and here I am."
"No broken hearts left behind?"
"Not that I know of? If there were, they should have made themselves known, I might have stayed."
"Hmmm," Sienna sighed. "Hmm."
Bee cracked the crossword, and she returned to life.
"What are we doing tonight then?" She said too loudly, affected in equal parts by standing quickly and a tall Sangria.
"Just hanging I think," Maysie said. "More wine. Anyone up for cards?"
It was hot once the afternoon breeze turned south, the sticky air making our clothes damp, sweat beads forming on flushed faces. We turned in, turned the air conditioning on, and poured more wine.
Maysie pulled a poker set from a shelf and held it aloft.
"Poker? $10 to play eh?"
I'd played a bit at college, throwing coins around the dorms as easily as the drinks. I enjoyed the game. I enjoyed out-witting arrogant frat boys mostly. It didn't seem this current company was completely ofay with poker, evidenced by the hand-written list of tricks that sat by Maysie commanding attention every time a card came out. I was on top quite quickly.
Bee was out of cash and seemed content to sip wine. After a few hands she got bored.
"I'm back in. Can I have some chips?"
"You can for your top," Maysie retorted quickly, still engrossed in her hand.
"It's going to be that kind of party is it?" asked Bee.
"Sure. If you want it to be, Bee."
Bee sat back in her chair, chastened, and watched the next two hands get thrown in with little money on the table.
"Oh, to hell with it," Bee said suddenly, standing as she did so. Her arms crossed in front of her body and pulled her top off in a fluid movement. She had a black triangle bikini that her assets threatened to spill from.
Three hands later, Maysie called an all-in, hoping Bee couldn't go with her for fear of losing something else. Bee called her bluff, and Maysie was out of chips.
"Fair's fair, May" said Bee looking smugly around the table.
"Fair enough," replied Maysie as she nonchalantly stood up and pulled her dress up over her head. It got caught for a moment at her neck, her arms tangling with the dress covering her face. Her green string bikini hung loosely on her thin frame, rocking back and forth in Maysie's struggle to free herself. She won the battle, tossed the dress over her shoulder and sat down.
I couldn't get a read from the other girls if this was par for the course in Maysie's company; in any case no one was especially bothered by it. But they also didn't draw attention to her display, perhaps as thoughts to how the night might unfold began to play on minds. Mine especially.
Everyone had been down to the beach before I arrived and was dressed for it. Close friends galivanting around a house in swimwear didn't seem a big deal; losing your clothes playing a game, even if swimwear was the forfeit, had an edge to it that tightened the chest and dropped the stomach. I was not dressed for the beach, and was beginning to think of how I would be viewed, both physically and socially, if I was called on to pay for chips. That seemed a long way off, but I nevertheless slipped out furtively under the pretense of using the bathroom, and changed into some underwear that was, how shall we say? Showy. I returned to a table that had found it's voice again.
"Deal," Maysie said, gathering her chips purchased with her dress.
The game resumed in the sleepy rhythm that happens in Poker with small chips changing hands; conservative play waiting for a decent hand to call on.
"When did you break up?" Bee asked Sienna.
