Four F Girl

(This will be at some point in time a BDSM story, though I am not sure when it will get there as I am still organizing the input from the star or co-star of this Tale. I know where she wants me to start and where she will end up but I am not sure if a straight line telling is going to happen. In any event you have been warned. This is meant to be told from her point of view as an attempt to put to paper the truth of her experiences, what she has learned and how she has progressed/grown)

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I am writing this in order to display my own capability to come to terms with the truth about who I was and who I want to be. It has been explained to me that only by sharing my life as completely as possible will I be able to move on and allow who I want to be to emerge. I will not omit anything that I've done unless I am not permitted to put such actions in the public eye. I will let you know as much as I can about any such event(s) but the specific details are not for this site.

My name is Alexandra Marie St. John, and yes that's my real name. If I can't reveal who I am and use a false name then the purpose of this is gone. Where I live and the names of others in this transcript will be made up to protect them, it is my truth that I intend to reveal.

From the title I know that most of you probably know what I was. There was/is someone wearing that moniker in every town and every school in the country if not the world. Most of the "Four F's" have short lifetimes with that title mine lasted close to ten years. For the uninitiated the term refers to a woman that boys or men will pick up to "Find, Feel, Fuck and Forget". Although the term Four F girl is derogatory it's actually better then the reality, we are unpaid whores, our experiences little different then the woman who walk the streets. Our currency was usually alcohol or drugs rather then cash, sometimes maybe it was dinner. When you hold that title as long as I did you end up buying your own drinks and drugs. I never did drugs some little consolation and I never got pregnant a big consolation. I was however on the road to alcoholism and some sort of STD as I continued to look for love on the end of a cock, while too drunk to appreciate it.

There are turning points in our lives and if we are lucky we recognize them for their significance and learn from them. I am sure I drunkenly missed a number of opportunities over the ten year span I held the position of "Four F Girl". The incident that I mentioned earlier, the one I can't fully describe here? I had gone off with a man from a bar and back to his house. Lets' just say that at some point I realized he was making me do something that made me sick to my stomach. As soon as I could I got out of there quick. However as far as a wake up call this event was kind of like when you were a teen and you woke up and saw it wasn't yet noon on a Saturday so you rolled over and went back to sleep? That was this event, kind of woke me up morally but I was able to roll over and go back to sleep morally.

When the actual "turning point" occurred I am not real clear on because when it first happened I was so drunk I passed out and have no memory of those hours in which the event occurred. I know that seems confusing to you but if you have some patience it will become clear.

As I said I recall being in a bar, going outside with a guy and letting him (like I had control) take me into the alley, push me over drop my panties and fuck me from behind. When he finished he pulled out and left me there. That's where the "Forgotten" part comes into the title. I guess I was a lot more inebriated then I thought because when I finally staggered back into the bar, it was a different bar. At this point my mind goes blank so I will tell you what I have been told happened next.

I came into the bar and walked right up to what I discovered later was a familiar face. I said Hi to him and then proceeded to puke all over him and pass out on top of him, pinning my puke between us. As I said I seemed to find him familiar and later I would learn that he was actually someone in my high school graduating class, one of the few guys who never wanted to be seen with the kind of girl I was, even in high school.

When my memory came back I was in a nice clean room, laying naked in a single bed and had no clue where I was or why. I had one hell of a hangover and most likely was still somewhat drunk, but I stumbled naked to the door only to find it locked. Had I been sober I might have panicked but I saw that there was a bathroom attached to this room and my need to use that made focusing on a locked door not very important.

I used the toilet and decided as I stared at the shower that a good hot shower sounded appropriate. It was and after stepping out and using the available towels I walked back to the bedroom and looked for clothing. There was nothing in the room to wear, so I decided to get back into bed and cover up with the sheet and blanket. I tried to recall what happened to me, tried to figure out where I was and especially tried not to think about the fact that I was locked in a room without clothes.

I dozed on and off I really didn't know what time it was. At some point I noticed a dresser with a bottle of Tylenol on it. I got back up and stood motionless until my head stopped throbbing and the room steadied, then grabbed some Tylenol and made for the bathroom for some water. I ambled back to the bed and fell back in, covering some parts of me, not bothering with all of me. I was real hung over and didn't want to move any more then I had to.

At some point in time the atmosphere in the room changed and I rolled over to see a man sitting in a chair, his arms holding a tray of food, and a pile of clothing at his feet. Startled at the site of him and feeling a bit better having eaten some Tylenol I sat up in bed exposing my upper body and tried to make friends.

"Who the fuck are you and why the fuck do you have me locked in this fucking room?"

See what a nice sweet young lady I was.

"Please cover yourself Alexandra."

His voice was soft and being the total asshole I was I said.

"What the matter with you, you gay? Don't you like looking at a girl's tits?"

See I was just the kind of girl you wanted to take home to meet the parents, right? I was still in need of that wake up call I spoke of earlier.

"I do like viewing a woman's tits, as you seem to like to call yours. However, I am not very interested in seeing tits that are generally available for a Miller Lite. Now would you please cover up."

He was being so sweet to me I found his charm inviting.

"Who the fuck are you anyway and why are you saying that shit about me?"

"I'm the guy you decided to puke over last night and then black out on top of me. As for the supposed "shit" about you, it's common knowledge here and back home where we went to high school together. Unless I picked up some bad gossip, I'd say you've been giving your body to any living male for about ten years now. I hear you try to get a few drinks for the ride but you're willing to negotiate."

"You one of those geek types in High School, that why you and I never you know got it on?"

"Actually no, you made several attempts, I just wasn't interested in any woman who cared so little for herself."

"I do care about me. I just enjoyed the attention of the boys in school, that's all. Shit when you guys get it on its Oh wow Big Man and shit, when a girl does the same, you call her a whore and a tramp. Right Mr. I'm too good for Ali?"

"Alexandra, let me explain a few things. First of all the door was locked to keep you from hurting yourself. When I carried you in last night I decided to lock the door until you were sober enough to leave."

He paused long enough to put the food tray on the edge of the bed and I idly began to eat.

"You're naked because as I said earlier, you puked all over me and yourself and your clothes were not going to soil a set of clean sheets. I left you some Tylenol and some towels should you decide to shower, which I see you did. I brought you some clothes I think will fit you as your skirt, blouse and bra are still being cleaned. I assume the lack of panties was your choice, given what you seemed to love doing."

I swallowed the toast I'd been eating and said.

"So I guess you "had to strip" me last night, I hope you enjoyed the show!"

Before I could say anymore he burst out laughing.

"What's so fucking funny ass wipe?"

"Just that you still think you're desirable. Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

I guess I'd sobered a bit because that last comment hit hard and I looked down at the sheets, unwilling to allow him to see the hurt.

"I remember thinking when I first saw you in High School how pretty you were. I think I still admire that girl, but the girl in front of me now, No!"

I slowly stood up and walked naked past him and into the bathroom. I closed the door and looked into the mirror. I saw a haggard face and fleshy body. My muscles sagged pulling my skin in my arms and my gut was protruding over my pubic area so I actually had to bend forward to see it. To the sides I had love handles to put it mildly. Forget the hair, still damp from the shower but I could see how lifeless it was. I again looked up and stared at my face and then I saw the tears inching down over my cheeks. I turned on the water and splashed my face before drying it with a towel.

Slowly I opened the door and for the first time in memory I felt ashamed to walk back to the bed, naked! He must have seen the change in my attitude because he changed the subject.

"You really don't remember me? I mean my name, it seems you recalled the face and choose me last night."

"No, I'm really sorry. I see something familiar about you but no. No I do not know your name. I think I'd like to! Will you remind me?"

"I'm Bill. Actually I am William Archer and we were in the same graduating class in High School. I think we may have even shared a class or two."

"Sorry, William. I remember you a little now. I guess we didn't move in the same circles back then."

"No, as I said I was left to admire you from afar. When the rumors started about how "easy" Alexandra was, I didn't want to believe them. I mean some girls get a reputation that is undeserved, usually started by some guy who got turned down. By the time we were seniors the evidence was substantial, you became obvious, if you know what I mean."

"Wow. It's pretty hard to see my life through someone else's eyes. I have really let myself go, I did look in that mirror, William. I am sorry about last night and the way I acted this morning. I guess I am just not a very good person."

I was crying as I said those words. This was a wake up call and there didn't seem to be a way to roll over and go back to sleep this time. I sat there mentally reviewing my life, all the different men I'd managed to fuck and then the memory of that night that made me want to vomit came back and I ran to the bathroom and puked.

I was breathing hard and puking over and over when I felt warmth on the back of my neck. William was holding a warm washcloth to my neck. When my stomach stopped forcing its contents back up my throat I sagged down and rested my head on the porcelain bowl and my tears flowed.

"Alexandra just rest here and let me get you a drink."

"William, no. No more drinks."

"I was getting you some orange juice Alexandra."

He handed me the glass and I sipped at it. Eventually the tears stopped and I realized that I was sitting naked, my head on the toilet bowl and for the first time in a long while I felt embarrassed.

"William, can you give me a few minutes and maybe toss those clothes in here and close the door."

He walked out and brought the clothes back in and set them on the floor next to me then left closing the door behind him. Alone now and a few tears dropping from time to time I showered again, using the shampoo and conditioner available. I scrubbed myself raw thinking I've never get clean. I dried myself and slipped on the sweatpants and t-shirt William had given me. The pants were a bit large but the drawstring held them up and the T-shirt was baggy but that was OK, I really didn't feel like I had a body to show off. I found a brush and hair dryer and made myself presentable, wishing for some make up to hide the woman I saw staring back at me. One last look and then I opened the door and found the room empty and the door opened.

A part of me felt lonely because William was gone another part of me was happy that I'd now be able to leave and not have to face the disappointment in Williams eyes when he looked at me. The look he had for me all morning. Leaving the room I walked down a hall and into the living room, where I found William sitting. He had a nice house, the furniture looked expensive and everything was so clean and neat. I headed for the front door as Williams said.

"Alexandra, sit for a minute. I have a few things to say and then I can take you wherever you wan to go."

I nodded and sat gently on the edge of the couch.

"First of all I don't want you leaving here depressed by my words from earlier or from what more I might tell you now. I want you to know that you still have the ability to change."

"William. Oh depressed? Yes, I am. Embarrassed, that too. Shame is another word I am learning to understand too. Regret? Yeah it's working it way into my vocabulary. Change? No, I've not gotten to that word yet."

"Well Alexandra let's get the worst of it out of the way then let's see where you stand and what you want."

"There's worse?"

"I'm afraid so. It seems the guy you evidently hooked up with to some degree before you past out on top of me, was your boss. If you look at your cell there is a text. Sorry, but your bag was covered in puke too, and I wanted to clean it and.."

"It's OK William, you've got nothing to apologize for."

I looked at the text and it was from my now ex-boss who indicated my behavior last night, evidently it was either with him or in his view, was such that he fired me. I swallowed that bit if bad news. In the whole scheme of things it wasn't that terrible. I was more concerned with who I had become to care that much about a job.

"You OK Alexandra?"

"Well about the job? Yeah, it wasn't much of a career type of job and it isn't as catastrophic as other issues in me life right now."

"Ok, I want you to know I am sorry for you. No, it's not pity. I just know a lot has been dumped on you already today, mostly from me."

"William, please! I should just go. I've already used up more then I deserve of anyone's help."

"Alexandra you can change. You can be more then you seem to think you're limited to."

"I appreciate your kindness William. I'm just on the edge of realizing what I am. I'm certainly not attractive in body or mind right now, and I feel it and it hurts. Someday, maybe I can be a woman you'd want, but right now I'm not even a person I 'd want."

I hung my head, as the tears once again seemed to fall freely from my eyes. I wanted to leave but couldn't move. Tearfully I looked up and said.

"Tell me William, what is it you look for in a woman?"

"I'm not sure you'd understand me if I told you."

"Please? Try me. I am looking for some sort of footing here William."

Ok! First of all I don't expect you to understand this but I look for a woman who cares more for me then she cares for herself. No, not that she doesn't care for herself, just that she puts her needs second and mine first."

"Sounds nice the way you say it. I guess you could say I am the opposite of that. I seem to have spent my time looking for only what I wanted. Yet, I am beginning to see that I thought I wanted a man to want me, but in reality, I guess I really didn't want that either. I was just looking for a thrill, I..."

"Alexandra! You are not just what you were but you are also what you want to be."

"Not sure what that means. Tell me more about your ideal woman."

"Well, have you heard of the terms Dominant and submissive?"

"Yeah, some sort of pornography, sex stuff right."

"In some cases it is a way for some to enjoy sex, in its more complex form it so much more then just sex. It's a means to express true love. In the Dominant, love is expressed by how he cares for and treats his or her submissive. In the submissive it's in how he or she uses her love to trust his or her partner. Sex is often the result of that trust but sex is not the reason for the relationship."

"So you're looking for a girl who will be submissive to your desires? Kind of kinky isn't it?"

"Actually I am looking for a woman who will be submissive to her desires and to allow me to help her express those desires and to fulfill them."

"Sounds like a play on words to me. You can say that I've been submissive to the men I let fuck me, right?"

"In a broad sense weren't you more the dominant? Weren't you using those men to seek your own needs? I mean you never developed a relationship or saw most of them again. You used alcohol to subdue them and then used their cocks, then let them leave."

"So in your world how is it so different?"

"First of all in my world we are sober. We make decisions based on mutual desire and then implement them as agreed. Lastly, and this is important, we make these choices freely and with the intent to stay together. In your world there is no commitment beyond the sexual intercourse."

"So, let me ask you William. Would you want me as your submissive?"

"To be honest with you, the way you are now? No. If you, when you are sober, want to submit to me, to obey me, to devote your life to making me happy, then yes. However, this is only if you are ready to make a commitment."

"Ok I understand how unappealing I am. Not good enough to be your submissive little slut."

"You've taken the wrong impression. I have always thought you were beautiful and that you were capable of so much more then you are. Perhaps I have had more faith in you then you have in yourself. I think if you go home, stay sober for a few days and think about the concept with a clear mind and then you come to me I would be willing to discuss it with you. If we were both on the same page then yes I would want to have you as my submissive, not a slut or whore but a partner who chose to want to put me first."

"William, you're right about time. I am actually flattered that you can look at this mess on your couch and see something that I can't. If you will take me to my car, I promise you that I will stay sober and I will think. I will think about your dominant/submissive concept and I will think about finding a way to "grow up" and make changes in my life. If you will give me your number, I'd like to know I can call you when I'm sober."

William gave me his number and saw me back to my car, then followed me home and waited till I was safely in my apartment. I sat on my couch and began to take stock of my life. A few minutes later I went to the kitchen and emptied the refrigerator of what alcohol remained, some wine and a few beers. Then I got rid of a half bottle of Tequila. A good first step.