One day I will take you out to a public park at night. We'll disembark in the designated parking area and I'll make you strip all the down to your skin. I'll take your clothes and put it in a backpack and then I'll collar you. I'll attach a leash to your collar and from then on, you will only walk on all fours. You are not to respond as a human, but with the barks of a dog, and the oinks and snorting of a sow. I'll walk you over the cooling concrete from the day's sun. Your progress will be slow, so I will tug on your leash if you get too far behind me.
Your knees will be red and sore immediately, and you'll want me to bind it up to prevent the scraping but I'll ignore you. This late at night, we'll only encounter joggers and dogwalkers. On this particular night, we see a man with a dog walking our direction. You start to turn and pull away, trying to find some place to hide. But I hold you steady, even shorten the leash until I'm holding it close to your collar.
The man approaches, becoming illuminated under the light of the lamppost, and gives his greeting. His dog, a black labrador, goes around behind you and sniffs your behind.
"Your dog likes my bitch," I remark.
"Looks like it," the man says as if this is the most normal thing in the world. "Hey, this is my first time walking in this park, do you know where the public men's room is?"
I say to him, "No need. We have a urinal right here," and I gesture at you.
You snuffle like a pig and whine like a dog.
"Here, feel free to use this urinal," I say.
"Perfect timing," he says.
The man ties his leash to nearby bench and the dog obediently waits to the side.
