Once it started it was hard to stop. I'd never been naked in nature; having grown up in Beijing, that never was option. But I was studying in graduate school in the States, getting interested in lots of new subjects, like ecology, when I started seeing myself with new eyes.
In China, I was just another young woman -- short, slender, with long black hair, but in America I suddenly felt desirable in a way I'd never felt before. American men were always friendly, when I ran into them in coffee shops and on the streets, and all over campus.
They always made love to me with their eyes, and it makes me feel pretty.
Most of them seem to think I was Japanese, maybe because my eyes are slanted in a way that is not so typical of Chinese women, or maybe just because I fit their idea of a stereotype.
But I didn't take offense, for flattery was their intention, I know.
My English was not so good in those years, and I sometimes misunderstood their intentions, but most of these men I met were sweet and nice.
And always horny!
Men are horny in China too, but they express it differently. They are not as romantic as American men, in my experience.
Anyway, during my two years of graduate school, something happened. I should explain that I was already married at the time, in my late 20s, but my husband had refused to come with me to the States while I got my two Master's Degrees.
He came to visit me just once and said he hated the place, and just hung around in my apartment, getting drunk and depressed. He didn't even try to go out and experience the magnificent surroundings.
It was a relief when he returned to China and I was on my own again. Despite all the flirtations with American men, I had not cheated on him. But then I met the man I will call Alex.
Alex was older than me, with playful blue eyes, an easy smile, and a sense of humor that matched my own, which is very wicked and often involves wordplay. Although my spoken English was still much weaker than now, I could almost keep up with him, even though he is an absolutely brilliant writer and environmentalist.
Soon after we met we were flirting shamelessly, but it was much more than sexual; it involved our fundamental nature as creatures -- a human woman and a human man.
We fell in love with each other's minds. And together, we fell in love with our common earth.
All of a sudden, I wanted to learn about the environment around our campus, which Alex was expert at. He started taking me on walks, up into the hills and into forests. He knew I was married, and stayed respectful, but our connection was growing.
There was something so sensual about being with him in these lovely places. Very few others were around, and I started having fantasies, sexual fantasies, that he would undress me and make love to me.
He is tall and handsome, strong and gentle. As I said, he is a writer and an environmentalist. His passion for trees, and soil and water and animals is palpable (a word he taught me).
One day, on one of our walks, I asked him what "skinny dipping" meant. I was always asking him about strange American phrases, so this should not have been anything unusual.
But the moment I asked he stopped, took my hand, looked into my eyes, and said, "It is the best and most natural thing you ever can do."
It was then that I started becoming an exhibitionist.
No, truthfully, I already was an exhibitionist. I like to show myself off. I always walk around naked in my apartment, and I don't care if the curtains are completely closed or the lights are off (at night).
I like the freedom and I like the way my small body looks. I know men and even some women like to look at me whether I have clothes on or off, and I am happy either way, too.
But being naked outside still was something I never had done, and swimming naked, through the waters, felt like a heavenly idea to me.
Soon after, Alex asked me to go on a trip with him, and of course I said yes. He drove us up to the mountains a few hours east of campus to an old mining town where he had booked us a hotel room (with two beds).
Now we still had never kissed, let alone caressed each other, although I confess I had made love to him in my mind a thousand times by now. But I also had learned he was going through painful divorce, and I didn't want to complicate the life of this wonderful man, whom I would in any event soon be leaving behind when I returned to China.
But as soon as we checked into the hotel, I knew we were soon to be sleeping together. It would simply be impossible to share a room with Alex and stay apart from him.
Plus he was feeling lots of pain from him in his breakup and I wanted to comfort.
Nevertheless, first night, we stay in separate beds and sleep badly as result. Second day is when it all started happening.
First we had breakfast in café across from hotel. Pancakes, an American dish I love. Then we stop by a local store, where he bought us a picnic, including small wines.
Then he took me on amazing hike, along a narrow trail high above a rushing river, just the kind of place I had been imagining for my skinny dip. When I looked down far below, sometimes I saw naked women and men; this was clearly an uninhibited place, nothing like we have in China.
Finally, after half an hour, Alex indicated a path and we start down. It was hard to keep my footing, several times he caught my arm to keep me from falling. At one point, sensing something, he stopped, grab me and said "Shhh," which is what Americans say when you should make no sound.
Ahead on the trail was a coiled rattlesnake.
He picked me up in his strong arms and backed me away. We then left the trail and made a wide circle around that scary beast. I was shaking in my boots (hiking boots I had bought for this trip.)
He had trouble relocating the trail but once he did we finally reached the rocks next to the river and they were lovely rocks.
Huge, smooth and filled with cavities they reminded me of giant women, amazons.
We nestled ourselves down in shadow of one boulder, laid out blanket, and opened lunch. There was bread, fruit, carrots, cheese, water, granola bars and wine. He had a knife, which he used to carve the cheese.
I ate and drank freely; then afterward I told him I felt like taking off my clothes.
He looked up and down the river and said okay.
