Exposing My Body Online

"Hi babe, watcha up to?"

"Nothing much," I said. It was Mandy on the phone, my closest friend.

"Well, I've got a nice bottle of red and a lasagna in the oven, why don't you come for dinner?"

"Yeah, sure, why not," I replied.

Mandy was always fun. What's more, right now I needed some distraction, a girl's night in. It had been two weeks since Rick dumped me, and the pain in my heart had still hardly subsided. I've had plenty of breakups before, like anyone, but this one really hurt. I mean, it wasn't as though I was sure he was the one or anything, although he might have been. Because it was good, what we had, it was really good. Or so I thought.

"It's not you, it's me," I remember him saying when he laid the news on me. I didn't even see it coming, but I should have. But he told me he loved me -- only three day before he dumped me, he had told me that! I sat there and cried pathetically for a while, with damn Rick sitting there trying to comfort me. Eventually I shook him off me. I didn't want him touching me.

"Rick, what is this about? Don't just say 'oh it's not you, it me' -- that's just a cop out and you know it. It's that little slut from your office, isn't it?"

He didn't say anything. He didn't need to. The bastard. I knew something was going on with that little whore.

"I thought so. So what has that little bitch got that I haven't? Hmm?"

It sounded petulant, but I didn't know what else to say. He just sat there, saying nothing.

"Well?"

I'm not an assertive person but I was trying to be, trying to be strong, but all the while I was dying inside. It was just horrible.

"Oh Rachel, I don't know. It just wasn't working for me."

Another cop out. I just needed to know. I didn't want to go through months of agony trying to figure out why. However painful, I wanted -- needed - to know. I thought he loved me!

"Rick, that's not good enough. Come on, how long have you been fucking her, hmm? Tell me!"

If it sounded like I was in control, in truth I was barely holding back the tears. I was collapsing inside. He looked as if he'd rather be any place else but with me right now. Good.

"Oh, I don't know, it's just that, well... you're not sexual enough."

Not sexual enough. What did that mean?

"Look, I've got to go, I'm gonna be late for work," he said. With that he up and left. I haven't seen or heard from him since.

The horror of sitting there, desolate, the man in my life walking out of the room with nothing much more to say than I was 'not sexual enough', just as casual as that, it was almost too much to bear.

Not sexual enough. Actually, I did know what he meant, or at least I was pretty sure. It was the blow jobs. All he ever wanted to do was cum in my mouth. That was fine for him, but the fact is that I just don't like the taste. I tried to please, I really tried to get used to it, because I loved him. And because I loved him, and he loved me -- or so he said -- I thought he could accept it. I mean, I would never have asked him to do anything he didn't want to, especially something as intimate as that. But looking back I knew that it always grated with him, he always wanted it, and he resented the fact that I didn't. The arsehole.

The sad irony of all this, I mulled over in my brain during the drive over to Mandy's, was that it wasn't as though I didn't enjoy taking him into my mouth. In fact, I loved it, I loved sucking cock, Rick's cock. Just not to its natural conclusion. I love the feeling of a hard cock in my mouth, letting my tongue slide up and down the shaft, feeling the texture, the veins, licking the head, the eye -- yeah, I love that. And I love the feeling of cum on my body -- I loved it when he spurted all over my breasts, rubbing that sticky liquid into my nipples; it's just so unmistakable, the essence of male. And I loved just watching him cum, holding his dick, feeling it's warmth, its hardness, the way it pulsed and throbbed as he unloaded on my body, watching the muscles in his body tense -- oh he has such a great body, so muscular! -- and that masculine grimace on his face as he spurted all over me! Watching it spurt! God how I loved that.

Right now for all I knew that little office slut is probably taking a load of his cum down her throat. Little slut. Oh it hurt so much to even think of that, but try as I might that image kept flashing before my eyes. Damn it. Damn you Rick! I loved you! Didn't that mean anything?

Soon I had arrived at Mandy's house. She met me with an embrace. It was good to see her.

"So, how's it going?" she said.

"Oh, not great, you know, with Rick and everything."

"Yeah, I'm sorry to hear about that. Rick -- what a prick. Rick the Prick, that's what I'll call him now. You deserve better than that prick."

"Thanks babe," I smiled. Yeah, she's right -- Rick the prick.

"I mean, look at you," Mandy said, looking me up and down. "How could any guy drop you -- you're such a honey! Rachel, it won't take you long to find someone better, someone that's worth it, you'll see. Babe, look at you -- if I was a guy, I'd fuck you!"

We both laughed. It was really nice to be among friendly company -- and Mandy is such a great cook! I ate with gusto, which was good because my appetite had gone out the door along with my man. I hadn't been eating well these past few weeks.

"How's it going with Dave?" I said. Dave was her boyfriend. They'd been going out for about eight months now.

"Fantastic! Oh God, that man is such an animal. Mmmm! He just can't get enough of me! But babe, I suppose I shouldn't be talking about that sort of stuff; I don't want to make you feel worse, what with Rick and all."

"No Mandy, it's OK. I mean, I can at least live vicariously through your adventures even though my own life is going down the toilet. So come on -- details -- give me the details!"

And I knew there'd be some saucy adventures: she was certainly out there when it came to sex.

"Well," she said, grinning madly like the cat that ate the cream, "Dave, as I think I've already told you, is into sex outdoors. You know, in 'inappropriate' places, where you might get caught."

"Do tell!" I said. This was fun, a welcome distraction.

"Well, last night we went to the movies, and then afterwards as we walked to the car park, he said: 'babe, you look so horny in that dress that it's giving me a hard on. When we get to the car I'm going to push you over the hood and fuck you, I'm going to do it, whether you like it or not, and I don't care who sees us'."

"God! So what did you say? Did you let him do it?" I said.

"I said, 'no, you're not going to fuck me in the car park'. And he said, 'well, I dare you. I dare you to let me. And if you don't, well you're just a prick tease chicken, a prudish little girlie'.

"Well, you know me with dares," she continued. "So I looked him in the eye and said 'OK, have it your way -- but you better be good!'"

We both laughed. I loved it how Mandy was so open about her sex life. I always felt a bit embarrassed telling her about me and Rick, but of course she always pressed me for the hot gossip.

"So, what happened?" I said.

"We get to the car," she said, pausing for another sip of wine, "and by then I'm feeling real horny -- I mean, he's about to fuck me in public, and people might see! I guess I'm as depraved as he is!" she laughed.

"And?" I said. I was on the edge of my seat now!

"I looked around. It was one of those basement carparks. There was no one else there. I took a deep breath, then I lifted my dress and leaned over across the car and said: 'OK, you fucker, I'm ready. Fuck me."

"Wow!" I said as we both giggled. "And then?"

"And then he grabbed my hips. I felt his hardon nudging against my legs as he guided it in. It went straight in -- God, I was so horny, I was more than ready! Then he started fucking me, sliding in and out. I just lay there with my cheek resting on the hood as he took me. Oh Rach, it was just so wild!"

"Wow, that's, that's pretty out there!" I said.

"Yeah, and it didn't end there. After a while I was getting a cramp in my neck, so I turned my head to the other side. And then I saw another couple -- they'd obviously come from the movie as well -- and they were just standing there, holding hands, watching us. They were barely 50 metres away!"

"So what did you do?"

"I said, 'Dave, there are people watching!', and with that he just grunted. He didn't stop, he just started pounding me harder, and I just lay there watching the couple as they watched us. God, it was so physical, so horny, so, I don't know - wrong. Soon I felt him cumming, and oh God, that just sent me right over the edge! We came together -- a first time for that! It was incredible!"

"Wow!" I said. "And what happened with the couple?"

"They just stood there for a while. We disentangled and got into the car, and then they started walking over to us! Turns out their car was parked next to ours... As we pulled out to drive away, I remember looking across at them in their car and they were both smiling back at us. They definitely enjoyed the show!"

"God Mandy, that's pretty wild," I said. I took another sip of wine. We chatted away for a while, but soon it was starting to get late.

"I'm going to have to get going soon," I said, feeling nicely contented after such a nice evening, and after the first decent meal I'd had in weeks.

"Yeah, it is late," she said, "but before you go, can I ask a favour? And you can't say no, OK?"

"Yeah, sure."

I want you to take some pictures of me."

"Er, sure."

"But not normal photos -- naked ones."

What? She wants me to take naked photos of her?

"Yeah I know, it's a weird favour, but it's Dave, he dared me to do it."

"Do what?" I said, mystified.

"Well, these will be for one of those voyeur websites. You know, where girls post naked pics of themselves for everyone to see. Well, he dared me the other day -- he said, 'you're hotter than most of these sluts here, you should be on this site'. Of course I refused, and then he dared me, told me I didn't have the guts, and so..."

"Mandy, you've got to be kidding," I said, shocked, although loosened up somewhat by the wine as well as her horny carpark tale, so that it wasn't too much of a head spin. I had vaguely heard of such websites but I'd never actually seen one.

"You can't do that," I said, amazed that she would even think of such a thing. "I mean, that's kind of sordid isn't it? And what if someone you know sees the pics and recognizes you?"

"Oh don't worry about that. I'll blur my face on the files before I send them. I'll be completely anonymous, and thousands of guys will be looking at me!

"Look," she continued, getting up to grab her laptop. She logged onto to a website. "I'll show you. Here, see. Girls post their pics on this site, and guys look at them and make comments, you know, sexy comments. They even have voting for the best girls. Can you believe it?"

I looked at the computer. Mandy clicked on one entry entitled -- 'Afternoon Fun In The Sun' -- and there was a woman lying naked on a towel. Her eyes were blurred. We looked at a few others. Some had the faces completely blurred, some were not. And some of the photos, oh dear, some of them were very graphic.

"Why would anyone do this?" I asked. "It's degrading, all those guys looking at you."

"All those guys looking at you and making comments about your naked body, what they'd like to do to you, that's what it's about. I mean, forget feminism -- who doesn't want to be adored?" she said. "Look, it's not my scene, but Dave dared me, and, well, you know me. And anyway, no one will recognize me after I've touched up the pics."

"But don't you think Dave checking out all these other girls is a bit weird, kind of like cheating?" I said.

"Well, a bit. But look, he's a guy, and guys are, well, they're just guys -- they like porn. It's just the way it is; even the ones who say they don't -- they all do. You can't change it. And anyway, it's not like he's going to fuck any of them. And if him checking out these girls on this website gets him all steamed up and ready to go, well that's just all the better for me. That's how I look at it."

"Fair enough, I suppose," I said.

"OK," she said as she got up and reached for the camera over on the sideboard. "Here's the camera; it's pretty simple to operate. I'll stand over here, and you just shoot away, OK?"

"OK."

She quickly stripped off her clothes. It was no big deal really. I mean, we'd seen each other naked enough times in changing rooms. But it was a bit weird; I was about to take photos of my best friend, naked!"

"OK, I'm ready," she said as she peeled off the last vestige of clothing, her panties. She stood there looking at me, hands on hips, in all her naked glory. She did have a good body. I pressed the button, started taking the pictures. She started doing a few poses, thrusting her hips out at me. It was almost funny.

"Well, what do you think?" she said, turning to the side in some kind of mock model's pose. "If you were a guy, would you fuck me?"

"Yeah, I'd fuck you if I was a guy," I laughed. She giggled, then turned around, turning her head to look over her shoulder back at the camera.

"You know, I have to admit that the thought of all those guys looking at me and getting turned on, I like it!" she said. "Even better, no one will know it's me."

"OK," I said, "I think we've got enough here." I'd taken about 20 shots, that would surely be enough. She pulled on a robe and came over. We both looked into the camera, looking at the shots. In a strange kind of way it was sort of fun, not a sordid thing; it felt like we were teenagers again just having a lark.

"Yeah, I like that one," she said, looking at one particular pose. "Thanks babe, Dave is gonna be blown away by this!"

Soon enough I was on my way home. It was a slightly weird ending to a fun night, but it was fun, and I certainly felt better than I had beforehand.

But the days dragged on. I couldn't get Rick off my mind; the memory of him, of us, was with me constantly, interrupted only by anxious thoughts of what that dirty slut of his might be doing to him possibly at this very minute. The work day grind was now a welcome distraction, for once I was home I had idle time on my hands, idle time for my mind to drift back to the topic of Rick.

Not sexual enough. Damn him! What was worse was that his words were developing into a self-fulfilling prophesy -- like it always is with breakups, I was feeling not just hurt, for my heart ached so much -- but also drab, grey, ugly, even boring. I felt like no one male could possibly desire me. I was beginning to feel 'not sexual enough'. No, he's wrong. It's not like I'm some kind of prude; I love sex -- and sexually, together we were really, really good. Just because I don't like the taste of cum doesn't make me not sexual! And anyway, he lied -- he said he loved me. I never lied to him; I was always open and honest. Damn him!

But that didn't change the way I felt. Which was, well, bad, definitely, but also dowdy, rejected, and therefore somehow boring. I felt sexually undesirable, as though no one would want me.

A few days later one morning on the way to work as I passed a construction site, there I saw some of the workmen glance from their work to look at me. Inwardly I was somehow hoping for a wolf whistle or some disgusting remark, as if to confirm my status as a sexually desirable woman -- the kind of remark or gesture that once would have enflamed me in a feminist rage. But no such response was forthcoming. They looked up at me briefly, then returned to their hammers and tools, as if their work was of more interest than looking at me. I actually felt deflated.

Evenings alone were interminable. I did my best to keep myself occupied: going to the movies after work, the gym, yoga classes, anything to pass the time, to fill the void. What was worse, I was horny all the time. I thought about going out and picking up some guy. I gave it serious consideration, but that kind of thing just wasn't me. There had to be an emotional connection for me; for the moment, my vibrator would have to do. Every night, after half a bottle of wine, I lay in bed, urging myself to relief, trying but failing to conjure even the meekest fantasy that didn't involve my ex-boyfriend. At this rate, I was going to need professional help.

In a few months I would turn 30. Thirty years old! Would anyone ever love me again? I knew it was an absurd thought, but it felt real. I sat back on the couch and began to cry.

Then the phone rang.

"Hiya babe."

It was Mandy.

"Babe, get your computer. Log on to that website -- my pictures are there!"

I grabbed the laptop and logged on.

"OK," she said, look in today's section and click the entry that says 'Lazy Susan'."

"Lazy Susan?" I said.

"Yeah, that's the alias I chose. I wasn't going to use my real name!"

I clicked. And there was Mandy, the pics I had taken. Her eyes were blurred; you couldn't recognise her at all.

"Well, there you are," I said. "What does Dave think?"

"Hasn't seen yet, he's still at work. But hey, scroll down -- look at the comments below."

I did. God, there were maybe fifty of them. I read through a few. Some were gushing in their praise of Mandy, or 'Lazy Susan', others urged her to show her face. One requested 'Lazy Susan' should post a pic showing a big cock in her mouth. Others just said things like how sexy she was, and how much they wanted to fuck her.

"God Mandy, they don't beat around the bush, do they?"

"Yeah, and I've got to say, it's such a rush to read all those comments! I mean, you don't know who they are, some might be fat old balding guys, but then they might be hot guys with great bodies sitting there jerking their hard cocks to my pics. When I think of it like that, mmmmm! It's quite surprising -- this is actually a real turn on. And best of all, there are no messy consequences because no one knows who I am!"

"Yeah, I guess. So what, does that mean you'd do this again?"

"Well, maybe. Depends on Dave. Have to see what he thinks. Oh, here he is now! Well babe, I better run, reading all this stuff has kind of got me in the mood, you know."

"Yeah, I know," I laughed, knowing that she was about to get quite a workout. The kind of exquisite pleasure I used to enjoy with my man...

Another day at work, more constant grind. Occasionally when I wasn't thinking abut Rick, my mind returned to the conversation last night with Mandy, and looking at her website entry. All those guys, wanting her... Yet the thing was, as low as my self image had sunk lately, I knew I actually had a better body than hers. It was true, even if it made me feel a little guilty to think of it like that, to compare myself with my friend like that. But it was true. Her breasts were bigger, but mine were firmer, and she was carrying a fair bit weight than me. I was still in very good shape for my age. And the amount of exercise I'd been doing since the breakup had really toned me up nicely. Yes, the fact was that while I felt miserable inside, on the outside I actually did look good. I had a good body, the kind of body that men would find desirable. Because if they were gushing over those pics I'd taken of Mandy, they'd surely be doing the same were they to be looking at me. I took some comfort in this thought; like a lifeline thrown to my heart as it drowned in sorrow. Yes, I am heart broken, lost, but I am an attractive and still young woman, even if not to be still in her 20s for very much longer.

Later that night after another half bottle of wine I showered and readied myself for bed. Walking into the bedroom I glanced at the reflection of my naked form. Yes, you do look good, I reassured myself. No supermodel, for sure, and the face a bit plain, but good nonetheless. I stood there studying my figure. Would guys want this body? Would they want to fuck me? It was absurd in some ways, because there was never any doubt: of course they would want to have me. I knew that. But it was as though this truth couldn't be real until it was confirmed by some external means. It was as though I needed proof. I grabbed the vibrator from the drawer and lay on the bed. Yes, guys would want me. I lay there and rubbed the head of the vibrator over my clitoris. It felt nice. I felt myself relaxing, drifting, my mind drifting away. For the first time I was able to conjure a fantasy that didn't include Rick, although the fact that involved me being felt up by the balding, fat proprietor at the local fruit shop -- handling my breasts as though they were a pair of his best ripe peaches -- that did disturb me somewhat. But as I imagined his sweaty, overweight form laying me down among the melons and oranges and nectarines, pulling up my dress, spreading my legs, his fat face looking down at me with that stupid grin I had seen hundreds of times before when I had bought fruit at his shop, and then pushing his cock inside me, fucking me hard, fucking me like a wild goat, I felt that sweet and longed-for release slowly building. Ohh yes...