Before coming out of my shell, I had been a book worm and a prude. But I had also consistently been the girl who got the best grades in my class from probably 3rd grade through high school graduation. I was shy and nerdy, but accustomed to being right about almost everything. I was sure I was the smartest girl in the room. Hence my username.
I was a total know-it-all pain in the ass to my parents and siblings, but tried to hide this side of me with my friends because I didn't like confrontation. It would flare up at times, and my friends would marvel that quiet Jane was suddenly yelling about something.
After I got to college and I developed my identity as a theater person with the confidence that came along with it, I became a much more open person. My personality didn't evolve as much as it became un-suppressed about what I said and what I did, and in both cases with a sense that I had something to prove for my years of self-restraint. I also discovered alcohol.
My new personality sometimes disabled the filter that kept me from saying what I was thinking. And if I had a couple drinks in me, it completely disabled the filter that made me consider how what I was doing right now would look tomorrow when I was sober. This combination is the foundation of virtually every crazy-ass thing I did for ten years.
I only really understood this about myself much later, but as I got more into exposing myself, I was clearly using alcohol and my big mouth to create situations where I was forced to get naked. And I always told myself that it was out of my hands, I simply didn't welch on bets or wimp out on dares like some people do.
The first time my big mouth got me naked was Halloween, freshman year.
We are at a party in the guys dorm. This is the first year that kegs were prohibited in the dorms, but there are cases of beer and bottles of booze in virtually every room. Nobody is wearing costumes, but for the party, the guys made each room have a different game to play. Nerf basketball, quarters, darts, flip cup, bags, cards, etc. Beer pong hadn't been invented yet, or at least we hadn't heard of it.
I had only been at school for a couple months and I was still a total novice drinker, although I was already developing a reputation as the girl who would slur, "l'll drink you under the table" to a 250 lb guy and try to do it for no apparent reason.
So my friends and I are going from room to room having drinks and playing whatever games the boys could create in their small dorm rooms. Most of the games involved physical skill, and I had very little physical skill. I couldn't bounce a quarter, or make a basket, or flick a folded up piece of paper, or throw a dart. So I mostly drank whatever the boys were serving.
Then we got to a room where the game was concentration. You know the game where you pick up two cards that are face down and try to get matches. Finally a game that I was good at. I started telling everyone that I was the best concentration player ever.
We started playing and I start by matching my first two cards. It was obviously total luck, but I start trash talking about how I am psychic. I end up winning the game and the boys do shots. It's not only the first game I've won at the party, it's the first time I did anything other than drink.
The boys call for a rematch, I dial up my trash talking. I can't possibly lose, I'm the smartest girl in the room. The other girls are tired of my bragging and don't really like this game so they move on to the next room. The boys hand me a shot and re-deal the cards. I blather on about beating them again and about how I am psychic.
One of the guys says, "If you are psychic, then you should play black-red with us."
I had no idea what black-red was, but that didn't stop me from agreeing to play and insisting I will win. I was awesome at black-red, even if I didn't know what it was. My big mouth.
Black-red, they explained, is simply truth or dare where the color of the card you pick makes the choice of truth or dare for you. Red=truth. Black=dare. When I found out what I had agreed to play, I had a moment of nerves, but my boasting that I was both psychic and awesome at black-red made backing out difficult.
My first card was black. Their dare was to do a shot of tequila.
I had gotten really drunk on tequila in my first week at college, and just the thought of doing a tequila shot made me ill. "No tequila. I will literally do anything else" was my response.
After a brief discussion they said, "If you won't drink, then you have to flash us."
I didn't even pause for a moment, and lifted my shirt to flash the boys a look at my bra. I thought I was being a cool girl, but they all started booing and saying "tits out".
I replied that lifting my shirt was the definition of flashing and I stood by that position. They grumbled but didn't fight me, and I felt vindicated and reassured that I was still the smartest girl in the room.
One of the boys cut the deck for their card, apparently it was me against the 4 guys in the room. Which seemed to make sense at the time.
Red card. I tried to be very provocative and asked a question about masturbation and they all answered that they do it all the time. So much for embarrassing them.
My cut. Black card. They clarified that a proper flash is at least ten seconds and does not include a bra. Now I know why they didn't fight me before. I lift my shirt and bra to my chin and hold it for ten seconds which they count so slowly it is probably 30 seconds. I receive a lot of compliments on my boobs which makes me feel smart and pretty.
Their cut. Red card. I ask about the craziest thing they have done sexually. They share a couple of funny stories, and then one guy says, "this game." I immediately give him a hard time for being lame even though it was undoubtedly the craziest thing I had done at this point in my life.
My cut. Black card. Are you fucking kidding me? Three black in a row?
By this time, I have been a bitch to everyone playing, claimed to be psychic, and have suggested that this is nothing particularly daring in my experience of playing black-red. I even called their dares lame. Their reaction was predictable.
Their next dare was that I had to get topless for the rest of the game. Big escalation, but my big mouth had clearly opened the door.
"Is that all?" I asked as I pushed my luck and continued to trash talk. I kept talking for a while, not really sure if I could really take my shirt and bra off. Flashing was one thing, but topless?
They asked if I was going to quit or play, so I took off my shirt and bra and threw them across the room. I also once again did that thing where I brushed imaginary sand off my boobs, and my nipples were hard as rocks.
They drew black on the next card and I dared them to also get topless. In hindsight, this makes absolutely no sense but seemed fair to me at the time. The boys quickly whipped their shirts off, and now it was me and four boys and we were all shirtless.
If my girlfriends had come back, I'm pretty sure they would have gotten me out of there. But they didn't come back and the game played on.
I finally got a red card on my next draw, and their question was where was the craziest place I had ever had sex. I was still a virgin, but I wasn't about to admit that, so in my mind I redefined "sex" and said in my parents backyard which was where I let my high school boyfriend get under my bra for the first time. I lied on a truth, but it was believable.
On their next draw they also got a red card, and I asked them who had the biggest dick in the room? They all immediately pointed to Ron, who just smiled and nodded. Apparently he was a legend on the floor and had gotten the nickname Horse in the first week of school. I made a mental note to tell my friends about Ron.
One of the guys suggested that Ron show me why they called him Horse, but he was reluctant, and pointed out that it was my turn to pick, not the boys. Despite the fact that this was true, I immediately started running my mouth about him being lame and how I was showing real skin while they were not. They pointed out that it had been my dare to remove their shirts, and while this was also true, I just kept blabbing on about them being chicken.
I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't been topless they would have kicked me out of their room for being a pain in the ass. But I was topless, and that goes a long way with boys in my experience. You all will put up with a lot to see some tits.
After a few more minutes they called my bluff and asked if I was playing or if I was a quitter. I cut the deck and got another black card. I complained that the deck was fixed, but I was actually thrilled to see the black card come up. I was really enjoying the attention, and enjoying being exposed.
The guy who had suggested that Ron show me his dick, said that if I wanted to see what was in Ron's pants, then I was going to have to show them what was in my pants. And then remembering my first flash of my bra, he clarified that they needed to see some actual bush or it didn't count. Ron nodded that he would go along with that plan.
I was pretty drunk at this point, but had a moment of clarity where I realized that this was going a lot further and was a lot more serious than it had been 20 minutes earlier. I was alone in a dorm room, drunk, with four guys I didn't know. I was naked from the waist up and had been for 10 minutes. And I was faced with a dare to pull down my underwear in front of these guys, in return for which one of them was going to show me his reportedly huge dick. I was just about to make an excuse that it was the wrong time of the month for me to do that dare, which I figured they would understand and would mean that I was brave enough to do the dare but just not tonight for reasons beyond my control.
