Sitting on the couch as a movie she'd barely paid attention to ended, Alice took a deep breath, gathered her courage, and turned to her roommate.
"Julie, I need to ask you something."
"Oh?" Julie raised an eyebrow and set down her bowl of popcorn. "So serious!"
"I, um," she hesitated, "my boyfriend is going on this work trip, so he'll be out of town for a few weeks, and..."
"And he wants to try an open relationship?" Julie nodded knowingly.
"What? No, he wants to try phone sex."
"Oh! Well, that's no big deal. Kinda old-fashioned now that we have video calls, but you do you. What's got you worried?"
"Well, I always thought dirty talk was kinda dumb? Like, I don't get how it's sexy. Have you done it before?"
"My dirty talk game is
legendary
. One time in college, I turned a straight girl gay with a single phone call."
"Really?" Alice looked skeptical.
"For real. When I hung up, she was a changed woman."
"Okay, um... Can you teach me?"
"Alright, but don't blame me if you want to dump your man when we're done."
"I think I'll be okay." Alice rolled her eyes. "I'm not some closeted coed looking to experiment, I just want some pointers on how to be sexy on the phone."
"Okay!" Julie grinned. "If we're gonna do this, we need to do it properly, so go to your room and call me."
"We can't just talk here on the couch?"
"No! You won't be able to see him when you talk, and if you're looking at me, you'll get self-conscious. Go get comfortable. Oh, and use headphones. You'll want your hands free."
"My earbuds don't work, I put them through the washing machine. And what do you mean I'll want my hands free?"
"Think about talking to your guy. If the mood strikes, you need to be free to touch yourself. You want him to hear how turned on you are, not fumbling with your phone." Alice looked unconvinced, but Julie stood firm. "If you want me to teach you, take it seriously!"
A few minutes later, after finding a spare pair of earbuds, they went to their separate rooms. Julie put on her headphones, fluffed her pillows, lay down on the bed, and answered her phone.
"Okay, so do I just start describing things I'm doing?" Alice sounded tense. "Or telling him to do stuff? Should I tell him what I'm wearing? That's a thing, right?"
"Alice, slow down!" Julie laughed. "If you want this to work, you need to be relaxed and open to the possibility that it might be a good time. You sound like you're trying to complete a checklist."
"I'm just nervous! What if I say something dumb? What if he says something sexy, and I laugh?"
"Do you worry about that when you're with him in person?"
"No."
"Then don't worry about it here. All he really wants is to know you're into it... Into
him