I just watched a homemade video that has left me feeling a bit shaken, weak, inadequate, and beaten. Before I explain, it was about a year ago that my ex-wife, Alison, and I divorced. In the macro, there are but two options for a man who loses his family to infidelity. He can either:
1. Take the low road by either simmering in his own venom, paying a therapist to hear him whine, going postal, or eating a bullet.
2. Take the high road by admitting defeat, learning to appreciate the individual qualities different people bring to the table, getting on with life, and bettering themselves on a new path.
So?...
I've opted to share my story as part of my own healing process. I have a few general ideas of where that process will end, but that's likely not something you'd want to read about. It feels weird writing to an anonymous reader such as yourself, but for me, it's part of a public cleansing process. Most of the details I've learned about the man who took my wife came in the form of a DVD I received this past Friday. Watching it was a bitter and grueling experience I wouldn't wish on friend or foe, but fortunately, it also opened my eyes to a few things I never realized before.
Not that it matters, but I'm a 33 year old white heterosexual male. I married my ex in college, am good-looking, athletic, and keep myself fit and healthy. I never had any problems with women, and on whole found them pretty easy to seduce. Being from NYC, I've seen countless mixed race and same-sex couples out and about, including inside my own social circles. I'm fairly progressive, but never gave much thought to the types of relationships people choose for themselves. Though I have never dated anyone outside my own race or social class, I'm not very provincial. I have some knowledge of contrasting cultures and ideals. When referring to East Asians, I've both heard and used the racial term "model minority" (which some label racist) - but other than knowing how to use chopsticks or being willing to go for sushi or kimchi a few times a year, I'm not very acquainted with Asian culture.
Until bouncing around tumblr recently, I had never seen the abbreviation AMWF. Going further in depth, I've come across pages that espoused either personal, superficial, or political interest in interracial relationships of all different combinations. As females do not usually have sexual fetishes to the same degree males do - I am operating on the assumption most of the blogs that either trumpet memes about "breeding out of racism" or the sexual superiority of one racial group are fake accounts probably perpetuated by asexual, doughy, post-teen boys living in their parents' basement. Sharing my experiences might perpetuate some of the stereotypes I've seen trumpeted, but I have little control over how others view or use this rather public exercise in self-examination.
It's a little complicated and painful to go into all the fine details, but conceding the fact I can get a little wordy from time to time, I'll try to be as succinct as possible. I'm not writing this to complain, vent, trawl for sympathy, solicit advice, or wish guys who are self-described alpha males eternal damnation. I lost my wife and family fair and square, and holding a grudge is akin to swallowing a bottle of poison and foolishly expecting the object of my scorn to keel over in pain.
A Little Background...
I'd like to say my divorce was as painless as it was quick, but that would be a bold-faced lie. I'd probably also like to give the impression I knew of my wife's infidelity, but that wouldn't be truthful either. Looking back, I did notice how much happier my wife's mood was exactly nine months prior to the birth of "our" first son. I also chose to ignore a few telltale signs, like the mysterious appearance of stray, shoulder-length black hairs in our bedroom and bath. In hindsight, perhaps most telling was how much looser my wife's vagina had become almost overnight, and the fact she became hyper-orgasmic like the flick of a switch...going from a grunt, scratch of my back and developing a short-lived rash on her breasts when she came - to these explosive, convulsive, squirting climaxes that made an absolute mess of our bedding.
To say Alison, my 32 year old ex-wife and mother of two daughters, was pretty would be an understatement. I'm honest enough to admit I was lucky to have her. She's a natural blonde, with striking gray / green eyes. As an avid runner, her figure is more athletic than curvy. She's tall, standing 5'10, with a good portion of her height coming from her amazing legs. Her breasts are beautiful in their natural 34B cup size, which, like her ass, don't show a hint of succumbing to gravity. Whenever we went out, she was always "that girl" in the room - the one men ogled and women rolled their eyes at.
The entire unraveling of my marriage hit me like a quick jab to the nose, followed by a combo of left/right hooks that laid me out flat. It was the 11th of July, 2017, at a delivery room of Winthrop Hospital in Mineola where everything I knew and believed was turned upside down. Moments after the birth of "our" third child and first son, the only life I'd known for the last decade came crashing down around me...
"I've changed my mind about naming him Jon Christian."
"Why?" I demanded, "That's my name, and it's what we agreed on months ago!"
"Looking at him, he's no Jon Christian, he is going to be named Duc."
"Duck, what kinda name is that?" I demanded, "Are you a ducking fope?"
"I also changed my mind about having him circumcised," she coldly informed me, "his foreskin will remain intact, like his father's."
I'd never heard a name like Duc before, so I was more confused than I should have been. "Intact?" I continued, "But we both know damn well, I'm circum..."
I couldn't even finish the sentence as I realized the boy I'd just watched my wife give birth to wasn't mine. His jet black hair should've been enough of a dead giveaway (I'm auburn, and no one in either of our families has that coloring). The fact two attending nurses had complimented me on the size and girth of "my" son's infantile penis should have been another warning bell. I'm familiar enough with biology to know penis size is hereditary, coming from the father's Y chromosome, and fully aware of the fact my endowment is only slightly longer than average, and a bit on the narrow side.
Two days after being discharged from the maternity ward, my wife and I signed a no-fault dissolution of marriage agreement through an arbitrator, and I moved out of our home. I slumbered through the next 11 ½ months, focusing on my job, seeing my kids on alternating weekends, having an occasional one-night stand, feeling sorry for myself, and keeping only minimal contact with friends and family. A couple weeks back, either nostalgia or the need to feel loved overtook me, and I called home.
"Hello," Duc answered, with the hint of a Texan accent in his voice.
"Duc, it's Jon," I replied, "Can you put Alison on the phone for a moment?"
"She's in the middle of nursing our son, but I'll have her call you back."
Just hearing Duc say "our son" reopened old wounds, but I did my best to repress my discomfort. When Alison returned the call about an hour later, it was kinda nice to hear how happy she sounded. I laid my cards on the table, and awaited a response I could only hope would be forthcoming.
"Honey, you know I love you. We were high school sweethearts, prom king and queen, built a nice home, started raising a beautiful family, and had a good sex and social life. I need you back and am begging you not to throw that all away on a cheap fling."
"Cheap fling?!?" she yelled, "There is nothing cheap about my life! My relationship with Duc is not even in the same universe as a fling."
I apologized, beginning to stammer from nerves and the knowledge reconciliation never once entered her mind.
"I'll tell you what," she continued, "I'm not going to discuss any alleged love with you over the phone. In fact, I don't even believe you fully know what the word means. But I will concede nine plus years of marriage does entitle you to a response - I simply refuse to do so here and now on the phone."
Pessimism did a quick 180 turn toward toward optimism as my heart pounded in anticipation of her next words. Blood rushed into my quickly growing erection. 'She wants to set up a lunch date, or even a liaison to discuss things between us,' I hoped.
"Keep your eyes peeled," she advised, "your answer will be arriving in the mail by week's end."
Though deflated after the call, I was quite smitten for the next few days, feeling better than I'd felt since ending the marriage. I spent most every waking hour imagining a beautiful love letter, scented with her favorite perfume and sealed with a red lipstick kiss. Even when my optimism ebbed, I still imagined her sending a Blue Mountain Arts card, knowing she had a one year old that required her full attention.
The Video...
This afternoon, as I returned home from work, I received a manila envelope with our old address on the top right corner. My hands trembled slightly as I ripped it open. No stationary was included, not even an off-the-shelf greeting card. I took a whiff to try and detect the scent of her perfume, but all I smelled was the plastic slipcase of what turned out to be a homemade DVD.
I ran inside my apartment, popped the disc into the player, and saw my Alison in our old bedroom standing center frame, wearing a very sexy bra and open crotch panties. My cock was hard as steel before she uttered her first word...