A Short Career In Films

This is my entry to the

Summer Lovin' Story Contest 2023

; I hope you enjoy it. I'd just like to confirm this is not from personal experience (unfortunately)! All names are plucked at random from the ether, if you happen to have one of the names used here, I'm sorry, it wasn't meant to be a depiction of you!

My very short career in films began if anywhere on Friday 13th June 1986. I saw an advert in the London Evening Standard positions vacant column that read as follows:

"Three single men and three single women wanted for roles in educational videos. No acting experience necessary. Ten week contract, good rates." There was a contact telephone number given.

It was a bit terse, I thought, but I was a twenty-three year old man sharing a cheap flat in East London with a friend, Jim, and I was surviving on short term casual jobs whilst I tried to find opportunities to work as a photographer - I was interested in industrial buildings, machinery and equipment and how to photograph them to best effect for publicity, sales, brochures and so on. It wasn't an easy field to get into, I needed more and better contacts. I'd been working on this since leaving art school, but it was slow going, I just got the odd small contract from time to time. I'd really hoped to be able to take a month off and bum around Europe taking pictures - the windmills in Greece had caught my eye - but having never had enough money to do it whilst a student I still found myself short now. Ah well, I'd be able to visit Greece when - if - I had made it...

So I needed the money to keep eating and paying the rent, and this sounded like it would fit the bill. Who knows, I might find an opportunity to take stills for promoting these videos.

So I found a public phone box and got my phone card out - should be enough credit left on this one - and dialled the number.

I spoke to a pleasant but business-like woman who explained that they would be conducting preliminary interviews in around two weeks, and second interviews a week later, with a view to starting shooting early August. A three part video cassette series was planned, and all she would say about the subject was that it concerned human behaviour, which sounded intriguing. She asked me to send a short letter covering my background and suitability, and enclosing two photos of me, a full body shot and a portrait, and gave me the address. So I got this together and sent it off, and fully expected to hear nothing further.

So I was pleasantly surprised when a week later I received a letter inviting me to the first interview the following Tuesday.

And on the day in question, spruced up in suit and tie, and wondering what was in store, I presented myself at an office location. It was a rather plain, anonymous red brick building in the back streets not far from Liverpool Street station, looking like many others built on bomb sites in the years after the Second World War. There was a discreet plaque stating "JG Videos Ltd. - Office and Studio".

There were a couple of men and a woman waiting in reception who I smiled nervously at and wondered if they were also interviewing for this. Eventually I got called in and found myself in front of a middle-aged man, balding with glasses, just a bit portly, and a younger woman, maybe late thirties, who looked I thought a bit brassy - bleached hair stiff with lacquer and thick make-up.

"Now, Jonathan French, isn't it? Good, my name is Stuart Goodman, I'm the producer for these videos, and this is my colleague Stacey Johns." She said hello, and from the voice I guessed this was the woman I spoke to on the phone. She was clearly going to be the one taking notes. "We are the heads of this organisation, JG Videos. Firstly, a little bit about what we are doing. I can't say much at this stage, I'll reveal more if you get to the later stages of the selection process, but we are planning a ground-breaking series of video cassettes that will instruct and illustrate aspects of human behaviour. We'll be the first to do this, hence the secrecy! We are looking for three men and three women who will demonstrate some of these aspects. We don't need any prior experience, but we will need persons who are not shy and are willing to do anything we ask. I can't say any more now, but how does that sound?"

Well, I'd always been prepared to act the fool in company, so I thought I'd be able to hack it.

"It sounds intriguing, and I'm definitely interested."

"Good! I'll ask you various questions now, to see if we can take this to the next stage with you."

Well, the questions were a strange mix. The usual sort of interview stuff - what is your background, what are your interests, have you ever acted before, confirm your availability for the planned filming period, and so on.

Then there were the oddball questions.

Did I have a girlfriend? No, as it happened. A bit of a sore point, it had been a while, although the last one had ended badly and I had been a bit burnt and hadn't really been looking.

Had I ever done any modelling? No, I've never had the opportunity. Would I if asked do life modelling? Well, my body is nothing special, but I'm young and fit, an average looking chap I'd say, so why not.

Is there any aspect of human behaviour you would not want to act out for us on video? Blimey, what kind of a question was that? So I replied that I wouldn't want to do anything illegal, offensive or unpleasant, such as going to the toilet on screen, but otherwise I'd at least be open to discussing it. Stuart seemed pleased with that answer, and I detected a small knowing smile on Stacey's face.

Eventually after about forty minutes, Stuart suddenly said, "Right, I think we've got enough, thank you and we'll be in touch one way or another in a very few days. I'm sure you have lots of questions, but if we invite you back and you progress to the next stage, there'll be plenty of time for those. Can you ask Jean on reception to send the next one in?"

So off I went, not really any the wiser as to what this job might entail. Jim of course quizzed me about it when he got home from work, but I couldn't enlighten him. I tried to take my mind off it the next day by taking my camera around some of the run down industrial areas of East London and shooting some moody shots in cloudy weather, but I didn't shoot much as I was trying to cut down my expenses, and film, even black and white, wasn't cheap.

But they were true to their word, and the following day I got a letter inviting me back for the 'final selection process'. I was to go back to the same address the next Wednesday for 10am sharp, and it would take all day, including a medical. Wow, I thought, that's some careful selection - no other job interviews I've had have taken anything like that long, and this for a temporary role!

That evening, Jim and I had a couple of jars at our local pub, the Princess Alice, known locally as the Alley. We had a bit of speculation about the nature of this mysterious job. It started off with some serious suggestions, such as management training or vocational training, but soon descended into somewhat less serious flights of fancy. Possibilities suggested included training students for rag stunts, or playing villains in police training videos; I hazarded a guess somewhat darkly that it would be espionage training, which would explain the cloak and dagger nature of the process; Jim reckoned it might be training for strippers, and suggested that I get a sequinned jockstrap. We retired homeward mellow and cheered.

Wednesday came around and I presented myself fifteen minutes early in best bib and tucker. By the time it turned ten o'clock there must have been at least twenty-five others, it was standing room only in reception. At the appointed hour on the dot, the inner door opened and Stuart Goodman stood there.

"Morning everyone! Can you all come through please, and find a desk and sit at it. Please don't touch the paperwork on the desk. Jean, has everyone arrived?"

"Not quite, Mr Goodman, there's still..." she consulted her paperwork, "Geoffrey Hartson and Suzanne Morris to come."

"Well, lesson number one is, be on time or miss out... If they turn up, please send them away."

We all trooped through, suitably aware of the attendance criterion in future.

"Everyone got a place? Good. In front of you is a personality assessment questionnaire put together by university psychologists which we'd like you to complete. There's no time limit, but please try not to take more than an hour."

I turned the page over. I've seen other such profiling questionnaires since, but at the time this was my first, and I didn't know what to expect. It was long, I thought it would take me all of the hour to complete. It was what I now know is the typical format for such psychological tests, a long series of questions on various scenarios, with multiple choice answers. Some were kind of obviously testing for outgoing/introspective, some for self-confidence, but some were just odd: for example, "A charity cause dear to your heart has suggested a fund-raising event involving a naked walk through the local park. What is your response? (a) No way, and it can't be legal; (b) I can't, it would ruin my reputation; (c) If you can convince me it's legal and there are enough other people taking part, I'll consider it; (d) Sure, if it is going to raise much needed funds?" Well, that was (d) obviously. I'm not someone who tries to expose myself at every opportunity but I'm not uncomfortable with my skin either. Then there was "You have stripped naked for a doctor's examination, and a member of the public of the opposite sex walks in looking for the toilet. Do you (a) scream and clutch for anything to cover your private parts, (b) just stay as you are and tell them where they should go, (c) calmly cover yourself and politely ask them to leave, or (d) turn away and tell them over your shoulder where the toilet is." I opted for (b) on the grounds that if they had already seen all you've got, hiding it won't make them unsee it.

Well, there was much more of this, including some with a bit of a sexual side to them; many questions seemed to at least overlap, which seemed strange to me at the time, but I now recognise that this is the psychology test technique, to keep asking the same kind of thing in different ways to probe for the genuine response. I just about finished when there was a sudden call of "That's an hour, has everyone finished? Anyone need more time? Good, make sure your name is on the front, and we'll come round to collect them." Once that was done, we had our attention drawn to coffee and biscuits that had been set out at the back of the room and told to help ourselves, the break would last some half an hour whilst the responses were analysed.

So we all wandered over to the back and idle chat broke out amongst ourselves. I found myself in the queue between a tall, blond man with a flashy tie and a slim, homely looking girl with long light brown hair.

"Hi," I said, "I'm Jon, so what did you make of that?"

The man introduced himself as Tim, and said "They are clearly looking for a particular psychological profile, but I'm no nearer understanding what for!"

The woman said, "I'm Samantha. I think they are looking for liberal minded people, but exactly what for I don't know either."

I said to her, "I wonder what the next stage is likely to be?" Tim answered before she could open her mouth. "The medical exam. They will test that question about being naked and someone walks in on you!" and he barked a laugh. I exchanged a glance with Samantha, I wasn't keen on those who butted into a question asked to someone else. "Sorry Samantha, you were saying?" Tim made a hurrumph and turned to talk to the guy the other side. Samantha gave me a small smile, and said, "I hope they will weed out the gauche and the pushy! If they put us in pairs, I don't want to be with someone like him!"

We arrived at the front of the queue and got our coffee and biscuits, and stepped to one side. We exchanged a bit of small talk; I found out that Samantha liked to be called Sam, had just finished a degree in English, but had decided to start as a trainee in nursing in September. I liked her, she seemed to have the kind of quiet sense of fun I appreciate. I was just wondering how to ask if she had a boyfriend when the call went up from Stacey this time.

"Hi everybody, can I have your attention please? We will call out some names one by one, and if you can come into the office over there, we'll talk to you individually. Firstly, Lydia Ferris please." A slightly mousy looking woman put her hand up and made her way to the corner office.

"I wonder what that means," Sam mused. "Is that 'you've passed' or 'you've failed'?"

"I guess we'll find out soon enough..."

We got talking to another couple of candidates next to us, Gerry and Sue, who were also wondering whether it was good to be called or not. We noted that those called for a personal chat then left through another door to a different room, but still couldn't see if they stopped there or then left. As we were talking, Gerry got the call. "See you later... or not!" he said. Sue was another woman who was about the same age range - early 20s to mid 30s, reasonably attractive but not a fashion model, not too thin or too fat, in fact average looking all round. She seemed pleasant but a bit more cool and distant. Then Sam got called in.

After another half an hour or so, with someone called out every few minutes, sometimes longer, Stuart came back in.

"Hello, can I have your attention... You'll be pleased to hear that we've weeded out some candidates and the twelve of you that are left are our final selection pool. We'll get you all to sign a non-disclosure agreement now, since we don't want anything of what we are doing getting out before we are ready to launch, and then we'll be giving each of you a medical, so my apologies if you have to wait a while as we can only partly overlap them and it will take altogether about three quarters of an hour each. Anyone need to leave by a particular time?" Three people put their hands up, and Stuart went to speak to each in turn. Then he announced again: "OK folks, here are the times we need you to be back here for your medicals. James, we'll do yours first in just a minute; Anne, 12:30..." and he went through the list. I was at 2:30.

It looked as though Sam had been rejected. I was disappointed, and guessed I wouldn't see her again.

"Please feel free to leave, but be back in time for your medical. All clear?" A chorus of 'yes' came back. I thought it was time for a walk and went out. To my delight, Sam was sitting in reception.

"They said you'd be breaking soon, so I thought I'd hang on. Fancy finding somewhere for lunch?"

"Yes, great!" I said enthusiastically, and so off we went.

It was a fine July day, so we went off to buy some sandwiches to eat outside, and eventually found a vacant bench under a tree.

We spent an hour chatting, and I discovered she was an only child from Surrey, she liked cooking and swimming - probably why she had such a good figure - and watching live local bands in pubs, she wasn't currently in a relationship as her previous boyfriend had got a job in Manchester and they parted amicably and, I gather, without regret on either side. I explained my circumstances, that I would like the extra money because I couldn't afford to rent a studio - I couldn't do prints, enlargements and crops at home so I needed somewhere I could put a darkroom in.

"I have to pay a pro lab to do all that, and if I want to process the image - tweak the contrast or colour balance, lift the lowlights or whatever, I can't really explain that to them and they wouldn't have the time or manpower. So I'm trying to get enough cash together to at least get a short rental and then really go for it."

She grinned. "Best of luck! I could have done with this as well, I know I'm going to be strapped for money as a trainee nurse. Still, I hope there's other jobs out there. I'd really wanted to take a holiday this summer hitching around Europe, I never got a proper summer holiday as a student, but I need some money, so..."

"Me too, I was hoping to spend the summer in Greece! We'll just have to hope this is going to be so cushy it's like a holiday!"

I really liked her and enjoyed talking. Before we knew it, it was time to return for my medical.

We walked to the corner where our paths would diverge, and I stopped and said, "Sam..." I paused, I was OK just talking to girls, but I wasn't very good at the mating game bit.

"I'd love to," she said with a smile. I looked a bit quizzical. "Were you about to ask me out?"

"Well, yes... I'd really like to see you again."

"Then, yes! What do you have in mind?"

That was a relief! "I can't do anything tonight or tomorrow, but how about Friday evening? I'll get Time Out and see if there are any bands on around here, and we could have a curry first. How can I contact you?"

It turned out she also was sharing with a flatmate at a place in Dalston - probably about 30-40 minutes from my flat in Hackney by public transport - but at least they had a telephone, something I lacked. I took a note of the number and promised to call tomorrow.

"I'll say goodbye for now then, I need a few supplies and might as well shop now on the way back to Liverpool Street."

"Well, er, bye then, see you Friday!" and I gave a sort of awkward wave and went.

I was a few minutes early but as it happened, they were ready for me. I was shown into another small room obviously set up as an examination room. There was a couch covered with white paper and a chair, and a young lady with a white coat and a stethoscope round her neck seated at a desk with a file in front of her, presumably my file.

"Hello! I'm Dr. Jones, I'll be doing your medical today. Take a seat... Let's start with some basic details. Can you confirm your name please?"

We went through the kinds of thing you'd expect - address, date of birth, any medical conditions, did I know my blood group (yes, I was a donor, I was O Positive), had I ever had any of the following diseases, all of which was a no; but I was mildly intrigued by the inclusion of STDs in the list, and then she asked as well if I was in a sexual relationship - the answer was no. Did I have any history of erectile dysfunction? No, although I wondered what kind of job that might be relevant for. Then of course, with the growing AIDS epidemic a hot news topic, questions about when was my last sexual encounter, any high risk category activities - sharing needles, gay sex and so on.

"OK," she said, "we'll do an HIV test anyway. Now I need to examine you. Please can you take everything off, you can put them on that chair." So saying, she turned back to make notes in the file. There was no screen, so I shrugged and stripped off. She put her pen down, stood up, and looked me up and down.

"Very good," she said.

She took some standard measurements - height, weight, blood pressure, lung performance. She listened to my chest and did that thing where they put their fingers on your chest and tap them with the other hand, and she laid me down on the couch and prodded my abdomen all over. She held my balls and got me to cough. I've never really understood what that was for. It might seem erotic to have a pretty young woman hold your balls, but it wasn't an erotic situation. But then she said,

"I'm just going to examine your penis."

She turned it over, pulled the foreskin back, and then released it. The situation still wasn't in the slightest bit erotic, so again I didn't react. Then she sent me to a chair in the corner of the room on which was a bottle, to deliver a urine sample. Finally, she took a blood sample and carefully labelled it. She was just sealing it into a bag when there was a tap on the door.