Dan Cupid propped his feet up on his desk and leaned back. Dan glanced at the clock on the wall. His last appointment was now fifteen minutes late. It had been a long afternoon at the Valentine Testing Labs. He had spent the day helping customers fill out questionnaires from various clients in the mall. This last appointment, though, was different. She was a private client, sent by his Uncle Harry to test the real Valentine line, smut.
"No, not smut, kiddo," his uncle had told him while waving his forkful of spaghetti. "We sell romance."
"It's sex toys, Harry. Dildos and vibes and God only knows what else, not violin music!" Dan exclaimed.
"It all leads to the same thing. People use our products to learn how to be better lovers. Being a better lover is romantic. Right, Miriam?" he asked, caressing the curve of his wife's cheek. "Nowadays a guy thinks he's a great lover, but what's he do? Lick, lick. Rub, rub. A few minutes of in and out and he rolls over and goes to sleep. Bah! What does his lover do? She wonders what all the fuss is about and she loses all interest. Maybe she finds someone who does know."
"And the ladies. If they don't know what pleases them, what makes them feel good, how can they show their partner? We help them learn their own bodies and they become better lovers. And that's romance," he concluded.
"And sometimes that knowledge leads to true love. That's what happened to your uncle and I. A man on the bus handed me a card and asked me if I'd like to watch a movie. That was your grandfather."
"Tell me. What movie did you watch, Aunt Miriam?" Dan asked.
"To tell you the truth, I don't remember. What I do remember was the young man who asked me the questions before that movie. He wasn't so handsome, but there was something about him. He really paid attention to my every word. He asked me out for coffee afterward and I didn't even think of turning him down."
"And we've been together ever since," Harry Valentine said. "And tomorrow Dan's in the office and I'm taking you out to lunch, my dear."
A faint noise in the corridor caught Dan's attention. He swung his feet off the desk and stood to greet his visitor. A young woman walked into the office.
"Can I help you?" She obviously wasn't the person Dan was expecting. This was not the type of woman who'd even think of masturbating, let alone let a perfect stranger watch while she did it. She must have gotten lost on her way to the bathroom. He'd give her directions and send her on her way. Then he was shutting down. That last appointment wasn't going to show.
"I'm here for the testing," she said in a quiet, soft voice. "Sorry, I'm late. I missed the bus and had to wait for the next one. Is there still time?"
"I'm afraid you're in the wrong place, miss. This is the Valentine Testing Labs. What were you looking for?"
"That's what's on the card," she said, pulling a white card from the pocket of the drab, brown coat she wore. "Valentine Testing Labs. The man said to ask for Dan. Dan Cupid. That's you, right?" She handed the card to Dan who took it and gestured her to sit in the chair in front of the desk.
Sure enough, it was a card from Uncle Harry. The note he'd written at the bottom read 'Private testing session' and today's date. Still, she obviously didn't realize what was involved. He'd tell her in discrete terms so she could leave without being offended.
"Miss...I'm sorry. I didn't get your name," he began.
"Karen Rogers."
"Well, Miss Rogers. I'm not sure you understand exactly what we do here at Valentine's."
"Please call me Karen. And I do understand. Mr. Valentine was very clear in his explanation. You test adult novelties, right?"
"Well, yes. That is correct," Dan said. "But are you sure you know what that entails?" this woman looked like the stereotypical old maid. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun. She wore tinted glasses with oversized lenses. Her clothes hung off her dumpy frame. She'd probably faint when he told her what she would be doing. "Did my uncle fill you in the procedure?"
"Yes," she said. "He told me." Her face flushed. "But maybe you could go over it with me, just to make sure." She took a firmer grasp on the handles of her bag, knuckles almost turning white.
"First thing, you'll fill out this questionnaire. Standard form, same sort of thing that they use for job applications. There is an additional section for some information of a more personal nature. Dating experience, social activities, sexual orientation. Ready?"
He handed her a clipboard and a pen and waited while she filed out the sheets. He watched her face for some sign that he should be ending this interview. He thought her cheeks pinked up a bit, but it was hard to tell with those glasses. "Are you okay with it so far?"
"Yes," she nodded. She continued writing for a few more minutes and then handed Dan back the completed papers. He glanced over the papers, not really reading them, just making sure each blank had been filled in.
"The real product testing comes after all that is finished. You're hooked up to our monitors by this ankle band," he said, pulling out a white plastic band from the desk drawer. He handed her the strip of plastic which curled around her hand.
"It looks like those slap bracelets my little brother was so crazy about a couple of years ago."
"Same principle. It relays galvanic skin response, body temperature, changes in pulse and respiration and sends the information to a unit like this." He held out a device about the size and shape of a cell phone. "It's all recorded and analyzed with this wireless receiver. I'll monitor you and make sure it's getting a clear signal."
Karen looked around the small office. "Where will I..." Her voiced trailed off.
"In here." He walked around the desk to a door and opened it. "I'll show you." She got up and followed him into the next room. The room inside was furnished like an elegant hotel suite. In addition to the king-sized bed covered in a burgundy silk comforter and tossed with pillows of various shapes and sizes, there was a leather club chair and ottoman in the corner. A dresser with a large mirror stood against the far wall. There were several candles on the bedside tables, along with a small lamp.
"Oh." Karen turned around in the room. "It looks nice. Better than I'd thought. You said you'd be monitoring me."
"Yes, from here. He pulled the cord to the window blinds behind him. What Karen had assumed was a fake window opened up to show the outer office. "The window acts like those two-way mirrors. It all depends on which lights are on. When the light's off in here," he demonstrated with the dimmer switch, "it's regular glass. Just like a window. When the light's off out there, you can't see out and it looks just like a mirror to you." He turned the dimmer the other way. "See?"
"So, I wouldn't know when you were watching me."
