Wounds

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Author's Note:

This story contains disturbing mental/physical themes that may cause discomfort. Readers be advised.

This is Part 3 of 4. I am sorry for the delay, this story has been difficult to write... I greatly appreciate your feedback and patience.

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CHAPTER 5

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Tom's drinking had gotten worse in the months leading up to Ezra's departure. Once he was free of any childcare duty at nights, he stayed out late till whenever he wanted. Sometimes he didn't come home until way past midnight, and she only knew he had come back because he had begun to have sex with her while she was sleeping again.

Whereas before she accepted it, now, she tolerated it. She understood that it was futile, if not dangerous, to refuse him. As long as he didn't cause her too much pain, she could withstand him.

Deep down, however, she began to hear Maria's words from the cafe louder and louder.

Did he really care about her? Did he really care about Mia? Did he really value them as a family?

She thought she was certain that he loved them and was just temporarily lost. As time went on and his drinking worsened, she began to wonder if he was past salvation. Any mention of his drinking would immediately cause him to explode. She tried to talk to him when he was sober; he turned into a raging monster just as quickly.

Doubt slowly crept into her heart. The problem was, when one was deep in the abyss and the abyss was a slope, one does not fall a hundred feet all the sudden and feel the sharp pain. One slides, bit by bit, into further darkness. If she looked up, there was always a dim light up there, giving her just enough hope to hang on to.

Hope, she would later learn, was sometimes worse than hopelessness. When Mrs. Anderson returned two months later and Mia began to visit her house again, she felt hope. That small glimmer of happiness and calm brought her just enough joy to endure through another midnight intrusion in her sleep.

As she had expected, Ezra never called or texted her. From Mrs. Anderson, she learned that the prosthetic fitting went well, and he was progressing on track for his rehab. She said he ate well, slept well, and exercised well. In fact, he was doing so well that he was not coming back. He had reconnected with his Marine friends in San Diego and was going to work at the Recruit Depot once he, literally, "got back on his (new) feet".

Janelle felt a sense of loss when she heard that he was not coming back. The rational part of her felt happy for her friend: he made it. The emotional part of her felt lonely. He made it, and she was still stuck in the same hole.

* * * * *

Janelle opened her eyes and felt heaviness all around. Her head felt heavy, as did the rest of her body. The air seemed so thick with heaviness that it was nailing her entire body to the bed.

She had to get up, though. Mia needed to be woken up for school, then she would need to get groceries for the house before getting to Bright Horse for the lunch shift. Afterwards, it would be time to pick up Mia, come home, make dinner, put her to bed, then take a shower herself and go to bed again.

She had been repeating this same routine over and over for the last few months. Yet somehow, today, she just could not bring herself to jump out of bed and start the day.

Tom was snoring loudly next to her. He wouldn't have to get into work until 9AM and since work was only a ten-minute drive away, he often didn't get out of bed until well past 8AM. He never participated in any of the morning parental responsibilities and was certainly never a grocery shopper.

Janelle lied there in bed, unable to move. Her head was suddenly heavy with unspeakable sadness.

Why was she sad?

She tried to think of the most recent thing that made her unhappy. Then she remembered that Tom had gotten angry at her again for making his dinner wrong. This time, she used the wrong kind of cheese in the quesadilla. Tom was so upset that he walked out of apartment and drove away to eat at a bar. He came home well past midnight, drunk and horny, and demanded that she give him head. She reluctantly gave in.

There seemed to be a heavy sandbag on her chest. She could not breathe from the phantom weight.

I need to get up.

Janelle looked at the clock,

It is time to get up or Mia will be late for school!

Mustering all that was left within her, she dragged herself out of bed. Slowly, she made it to the bathroom and began to brush her teeth.

Her mind continued to drift in a heavy fog.

She had always enjoyed cooking so much, and yet, now, the thought of preparing meals was reduced to fear of using the wrong ingredients and being rejected.

When was the last time she enjoyed sex? Heck, when was the last time she actually had something that resembled sex?

Janelle felt her knee suddenly turn weak with realization.

"Oh god..." She looked at her reflection in the mirror. Unkempt hair, dark circles, and a certain lifelessness in those eyes.

She had looked at herself every day in the mirror for the past few years and somehow, never saw what she saw now. She had always thought she just looked like a sleep-deprived, grumpy mother. But today, a switch had been turned on inside her. She saw it clear as day.

I'm not happy.

Tears rolled down the sunken cheeks of the face in the mirror.

I'm not happy!

Her vision turned blurry with tears. She covered her mouth to muffle the terrified scream coming out of it.

Why did it take so long for me to realize this? How could I have fooled myself for so long, when Maria, my only friend, had known for so long?

She knelt down on the floor and wept silently. The realization brought immense pain, but also relief. The fog in her head had parted.

I need to leave.

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CHAPTER 6

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It was two days before Thanksgiving and the Bright Horse was busy at lunch time. Families had come back into town; old faces appeared with new faces, some of the new ones only days old. The cheerful atmosphere brightened Janelle's mood.

For the past few days, she had been contemplating how she would leave...no, she was still contemplating whether she should leave.

That morning, as soon as she made up her mind that she was not happy and things needed to change, Tom woke up in an exceptionally good mood. Not only was he not abrasive and cold, he even squeezed her ass when he passed her by in the bathroom. He also quietly ate his dinner without complaint.

Janelle was once again in doubt. What was wrong with her! Look at her life, it was fine!

Nothing is wrong. I'm just exhausted from being a working mom. Things will get better.

How can I throw my life at Seaside away?

As Janelle was busy shuffling plates, refilling water cups, and taking orders, the café door swung open and the Andersons walked in. It was Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, Ezra, and a couple with a newborn baby. The husband in the couple looked a lot like Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, and Janelle immediately knew it had to be their other son, Tyler.

She nearly dropped her arm full of plates as she stared wide-eyed at Ezra. She had seen photos on social media he was tagged in and noticed how healthy and alive he looked, but to see it in real person -- it hit her hard. His face was filled out, his eyes shone, and his torso, though covered in a sweater, looked to be stretched out by bulky muscles. The craziest part was that he was wearing jeans. If it was not for the slightly awkward movements of his gait, he looked completely normal. Actually, better than normal!

His face lit up and he had a warm smile -- that same heartwarming smile he inherited from Mrs. Anderson -- as he walked up to her and gave her a hug while nimbly avoiding her arm full of plates.

"Nice to see you again, Janelle. Happy Thanksgiving." He said with his face inches from her.

Her senses were assaulted by the sudden intrusion of his masculinity. He emanated strength and confidence. He smelled a faint mixture of after shave, soap, and distinctly Mrs. Anderson's laundry sheets. Her ears turn red hot.

Ezra introduced his brother Tyler, Tyler's wife, and their newborn son to her. They had flown in for Thanksgiving.

Janelle forced herself to concentrate on the business of the restaurant. She apologized to the Andersons, saying that she could not chat with them at the moment, which they said they understood. Instead, they sat at a corner in the café and enjoyed a good meal and chatter for the rest of the evening.

She saw how happy Tyler looked with his wife, and the unbridled love they had for their new bundle of joy. There was a period of time when the infant cried from the stroller. Ezra picked up the infant and gently rocked him as he continued conversing with the rest of his family. Even Mr. Anderson looked happy, though he focused his attention mostly on Tyler. Observing the merry family from a distance, Janelle's heart ached as she imagined what her own Thanksgiving meal would look like.

It was after 1PM and the Andersons were one of the few customers left. Catching her standing near them cleaning up a table, Ezra got up. As he walked in his newly gained limbs towards her, she almost wished there was a hole in the ground where she could hide in. She felt ashamed that she had nothing to show for. He had changed. She had not.

Ezra struck up small talk with her.

"You look really good!" She blushed at her own words, but she felt it was necessary to give her friend the compliment he deserved, "So do the rest of your family. Even your dad!"

Ezra had clearly changed. Not just in physical appearance, but also in mind, as he responded with mild sarcasm, "That's because my brother is here. Tyler calls bullshit on him faster than he can finish a sentence. He's also afraid of Tyler's wife because unlike my mother, she won't hesitate to kick his ass if he insulted her husband."

"But he treats you better now...I hope?"

"Well, I'm active duty, so he doesn't get to bicker about me living on taxpayer money without working." Ezra smiled, "And if I put my legs on, I'm taller than him again, so he'd have to look up if he wants a fight."

He's already making jokes. I guess he did recover!

Janelle thought to herself. She marveled at the difference in the tone of his voice. She realized that this was probably the original Ezra. The one he had been like before the incident. She imagined what he was like...confident, humorous, and yet at the same time, caring like his mother.

He had all the qualities Tom was lacking in.

The contrast gave her chills. Something was very wrong in her life.

"How is your family?" He asked.

Janelle responded that she was now working full-time at Bright Horse. Mia was going to preschool 5 days a week. The child was learning new skills every day.

"She now talks like a rebellious teenager." Janelle rolled her eyes as she recalled Mia's recent tantrums, "Drives me insane! It's not '

Can I have your phone, mama?

' anymore, it's '

Hand over the phone so I can demonstrate my superb typing skills and the gibberish I invented at school today

'!".

Ezra chuckled. "What about you? And your husband?"

Janelle did not correct him that she and Tom were not married. "Tom is still working at the same place. I'm also the same, I just work here. Nothing has changed."

Ezra asked teasingly, "So you're eating well, sleeping well, and exercising well?"

If getting woken up at night to discover an unsolicited dick inside you is considered sleeping well

, then, "Yeah, I'm doing fine."

She was shamed of her answer and wondered if Ezra saw through her lie. If he did, he said nothing. They continued meaningless small talk. She learned that he and his brother's family were in town for Thanksgiving and would be staying until Sunday. He urged Janelle to bring Mia over while they were here. She agreed to it.

The Andersons all came and gave her a hug before they left. She was encouraged to hold the newborn, and for a moment, she remembered how it felt to hold Mia when she was just days old.

She had been in so much pain at that time. Yet, vivid in her memory, along with the feelings of having her body annihilated, her legs swollen with edema, her abdomen screaming pain from the incision, her head dizzy from sleep deprivation -- was the utter joy of holding her child. She remembered how sweet Mia smelled, how limp and warm her helpless body was.

She yearned for it, again. Some part of her, perhaps, the most primitive part of her, had been ignited through holding Tyler and his wife's child. She wanted to be the mother of a newborn desperately again. The desire was overwhelming, and she did not know how to handle it.

Ezra hugged her last. This time, without the plates in her hand, he was able to fully embrace her. Her head lightly touching his chest, his hands on her back, she once again felt the intoxicating warmth his body exuded. In that instant, thoughts flashed through her mind. She imagined what it would be like if he hugged her harder, if he looked longer into her eyes, and if he just lowered his head a bit more and kissed her...to feel their lips touching and their tongues twirling...

"I'll see you soon. Goodbye, Janelle." And with that, the Andersons all left the restaurant.

Janelle stared down at the floor and put a hand over her mouth.

She was terrified of herself.

* * * * *

That evening, Janelle told Tom the news that the Anderson sons were back in town. Mrs. Anderson had invited all three of them to join them for dinner the next day.

Tom had never been to the Andersons. Janelle had only brought Mia there for playdates and he was always working. Now Tom gave it some thought and said, "Why don't you take Mia there and I'll have a night off with my pals from work?"

Janelle was disappointed by his answer, "The Andersons would love to get to know you!"

Tom sat on the couch fidgeting his feet, "You said the older son Tyler is in the Navy? What does he do there?"

"I'm not sure. I think Mrs. Anderson may have mentioned he's a nuclear engineer on a submarine?"

Tom was silent for a moment, "Yeah, I don't think I would get anything out of going there. With the whole family like that, they'd be talking non-stop about military shit and I'd be bored out of my mind."

"That's not true." Janelle said, "I have stayed there for dinner several times and they never talked about it."

Tom still shook his head, "You go. I don't want to be forced to talk to people I don't know."

Janelle sighed and relented. She changed topic, "What do you want to do for Thanksgiving?"

They both came from dysfunctional families and were no longer in contact with their parents. Janelle was an only child while Tom had two estranged siblings who lived out of state. As a result, the past few Thanksgivings had been just the three of them. Janelle used to think that made the holidays intimate. Now, imagining the merriment the Andersons would be having with the two sons at home, with Tyler's wife and the newborn...she could not help but compare.

Tom shrugged, "Same old. Dinner, TV, sleep."

After he said those words, he sunk deep into the couch and began to type on his phone.

Janelle watched as he completely ignored her and Mia. The dishes were still piled up high in the kitchen and Mia had left a trail of playdough on the kitchen floor that Janelle had not yet had time to reprimand her about.

He doesn't care. He doesn't care about us.

Janelle began putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

I can't live like this anymore.

Then a horrifying realization overcame her. Tom controlled all their finances. She had not worked for four years and even now, all her waitressing paycheck had gone to Tom immediately.

Her legs nearly gave out at how much of a corner she had backed herself into. She had nothing! She looked up at the pantry -- spices, plates, cutlery...if she moved away with Mia, she would need to buy all of those things again. The sum of a new life would be no small amount.

After starting the dishwasher and putting Mia to bed, she slipped into the bedroom and turned on her laptop. She checked her personal account's balance -- the last time she had deposited anything there was when she was three months pregnant. She was relieved that she still had some money in her name that Tom could not touch. But the amount was not enough to just pack up and go.

Janelle buried her head in her hands.

How did I get to this point? How did I let myself become so dependent on another?

After stooping in self-pity for an extended amount of time, Janelle finally pulled herself up. She could not change the past, but she could change the present. Mr. Cook had promised her a year-end bonus. She would not give that bonus to Tom. Mr. Cook also promised a moderate raise next year. She could keep the difference, even though that would just be a tiny amount. Lastly, she could try to spend less on their monthly budget -- cut corners on groceries here and there, for example -- and save whatever she could.

The outlook was still depressing, but at least now she had a goal.

* * * * *

Janelle and Mia showed up at the Andersons next evening. With six adults, a loud toddler, and a crying infant, the house suddenly seemed crammed. But it was the sort of hustle and bustle that made Janelle felt homey.

Tyler's wife, Angie, was an outgoing individual. She was humorous and fun. She had just given birth, yet she seemed to have enough energy to run a marathon and then some. She was also unabashed about her pregnancy, including how much flatulence she had unleashed on her poor husband. Her unfiltered humor made everyone laugh. Janelle could see why Mr. Anderson dared not exert his authority against Angie. It was simply not going to work.

Angie looked at Mia reading with Mrs. Anderson with admiration in her eyes, "I hope my kid grows up to be like Mia! Such an angel!"

Angie's humor was so contagious that even Janelle found herself being more open than usual, "She's an angel when she gets her way and a downright demon when she doesn't!"

Angie laughed and pointed at her infant in Ezra's arms, "Yeah, see, my kid is already a demon! He doesn't want to lay still in his stroller, swing, or crib. The little rascal demands to be held every waking moment! I'm seriously getting carpel tunnel just from holding him! Thank god there are so many adults here to hold him."

Janelle tried to avoid looking at Ezra holding the infant. Somehow, that sight was making her uncomfortably turned on. She bit her lips when Ezra approached her and Angie and told them that the infant had likely pooped; he didn't know what to do.

Angie made fun of Ezra, "You need to learn! Why don't you ask Janelle, who is a veteran at diaper changing?"

"I don't think Mia wears diapers anymore." Was Ezra's response.

"I still remember how to do everything." Janelle blushed as she answered.

With a grin on her face, Angie pointed them the room where the diapers and changing pad was temporarily stored and watched the pair walked off with her infant.

Ezra handed the infant to Janelle. Janelle laid the infant -- who was staring at her curiously -- down on the changing pad and got to work.

He was standing right next to her. Janelle could feel her body temperature rise. She cursed inside,

What is wrong with you, Janelle?!

The silence in the room was killing her. Even the infant, who had giggled, moped, and screamed all night, was now just staring his giant eyes at her.