Sliding under the soft blankets, I hugged my pillow close to me, trying to pretend I was not alone. Knowing I needed to rest, I forced my eyes shut and tried to breathe slowly, hoping that a dreamless sleep would soon overcome me. Instead of blackness filling my world though , I swear I could hear your haunting laughter. Biting back a sob, knowing you weren’t really here, I still couldn’t get the feeling that you were lying beside me out of my mind. Half in anticipation, half in dread, I opened my eyes again, almost expecting to see you. Readjusting to the dim light I saw that I was still alone. Unsure whether this was a blessing or a curse, I cuddled deeper into my pillows. It was then that I saw it lying there: a tiny length of red silk - the same one you had used as a blindfold only yesterday.
With my heart pounding in my throat I tentatively reached out to touch it, wondering in I was dreaming. Surely I must be, for it wasn’t there earlier. You had taken everything with you when you left, leaving without a trace. Uncertain as to whether or not this was a dream, I reached out to caress the silk with my fingertips. Expecting it to feel cool, I was slightly shocked at its warmth. Rolling over on the bed slightly, I picked it up gently, not quite sure what to do with it. Unable to resist a sudden urge, I brought the decadently soft material up to my face, letting it whisper across my cheek. Your scent suddenly assaulted me as the material caressed my face. Breathing deeply of the material I inhaled the musky rich scent. Looking once more around the room I was certain that I was still alone. Maybe somehow in all the confusion I had just not seen the tie? Maybe it had been under my pillow? Sitting alone in bed, with the silk bundled in my hand, I tried to clearly remember how closely I had looked at the bed earlier. Afraid to remember last night and the feelings you invoked in me, I realised that I had rushed to bed trying not to look at it.
Overcome by exhaustion I knew that I must try again to sleep. Smiling to myself, knowing that no one, especially you, would ever know, I brought the tie up to my face. Trailing it against my lips like a kiss, I slowly lifted it upwards, pulled it across my eyes and gently tied it at the back of my head. My heart hammering in my chest I was overcome with a feeling of comfort, of safety. As foolish as it was, I knew that I could wear this, that I could be blind to the world, because I was safe. No one was there. If I wasn’t blindfolded I knew that I would keep looking for you, jumping at shadows in the night. The tie somehow had just become my safety blanket, my protection from everything that was keeping me awake.
Breathing slowly and deeply I felt myself begin to drift off to sleep. On the edge of consciousness I felt the bed move beneath me slightly and heard the springs creak. Too far gone to return from the brink of dreams I dismissed this, thinking it was my imagination acting up again, and burrowed deeper into the arms that enveloped me. Murmuring into your chest, I drifted in and out of consciousness, unable to sleep for some reason. As if you knew my silent battle to sleep your lips feathered a soothing kiss across my forehead.
“Shhh…” Your voice echoed in the darkness.
Knowing something was amiss I fought to think what it was, to remember. Suddenly it dawned on me. Those was the same thing you said to me yesterday. My heart hammering in my chest, I fought to wake up, to clear my mind. Knowing with sudden clarity that I was not dreaming, my body unconsciously tensed against yours, pulling away from your strong embrace.
“Ah, I see you are awake after all. For a moment I wondered if you would fall asleep in my arms, like you did last night, well more or less.” Your voice was softer than the silk still tied around my eyes, a midnight voice made for whispering sweet nothings. A very misleading voice.
Unsure whether I should move or stay still, I realised that one of my arms was trapped under my own body, while the other was pressed in between our bodies, with your arm carelessly draped across me. I could feel the heat of your chest pressed against my thin nightshirt, and without even looking, I knew that you would be naked.
Raising your arm slightly off me, I could feel you caress the tie that covered my face. “I must admit, I didn’t expect you to prepare for my return, although I do appreciate it.”
Unable to prevent it, a crimson flush broke out on my face. So much for my new safety blanket. Angered by being caught wearing it, I tried to think of something scathing to say, something fierce. On the verge of replying I felt your hand slowly skim down my face until the back of your hand gently began to trace my lips.
“Don’t.” I whispered into the night, my voice almost trembling. What ever happened to me wanting to sound fierce? Softly laughing you mocked my entreaty.
“If you want me to stop, then stop me.” Your body tensed against mine, a lion ready to pounce, to conquer its prey, confident in the knowledge of its strength, confident in the knowledge of my weakness.
Your lips descended on mine, as your hand moved to the back of my neck, holding me against you. Clenching my teeth, I tried to deny your tongue access, to resist you. I felt the back of your hand squeeze my neck slightly, a silent warning not to resist. Torn between my raging emotions I couldn’t decide whether or not I should fight you. It was so unlike me to give in without a fight, but I already had learnt how futile it was to fight you. Should I even bother wasting my energy, especially since I was almost sure you enjoyed my resistance last night?
