So was all of this just to "get back at daddy"?
No! I was not bitter about what they did or how they treated me... I was just sad. At the time I felt as though my family hated me and anyone that I tried to form lasting relationships with treated me like shit.
So you don't regret that those things happened to you?
Not at all. Those experiences made me who I am today. I am grateful for everything my family has ever done for me. I loved them then and I still love them now.
Yeah? And who are you today?
Not sure yet.
Not sure? You spoke confidently before about how your experiences make you who you are today and now you say that you don't know?
One doesn't find themselves overnight. Just because I don't know, fully, who I am doesn't mean I can't like who I am so far. I have new experiences everyday and I cannot wait for what experiences await me in the future.
I've pored over these case files and I have to say, I'm a little more than shocked.
Why is that?
I'm trying to figure out how someone goes from an innocent girl straight out of high school to... to this.
It didn't happen over night.
What didn't?
You will have to be more specific.
Well... no one just does these things without knowing they have a bit of a dark side in them.
No, they do not.
What do you mean by that?
I have always looked at life differently than how I was raised. It is similar to my curiosity being piqued by sex solely because my parents made it out to be this huge secretive thing that I should never do. They taught me the same way about how to treat others. They burned it into my memory that you treat people how you want to be treated. This piqued my curiosity once again because a true bully treats you awful, regardless of how you treat them. I learned later on how true this is. You have to treat bully's how they treat you and go as far as they will... otherwise it will never end.
But what if they don't stop. How do you know when you've gone too far.
When it comes down to it, there is no "too far". There is only 'far enough'. It is the only way you can come out on top.
**************
The first few weeks of college were spent alone in my dorm room crying and wishing I was dead, barely getting out of the house for class once or twice a week. I went from valedictorian to flunking all my classes in less than a month. It was not all bad though... it was at college that I learned who I was and lived up to my full potential.
I thought about what Scott and Graham had done constantly. I hated them for what they had done to me and wanted them to hurt just as much as I have. My parents' teachings, regarding treating others with kindness regardless of how they treated you, were always in my mind and I hated that too.
It was week six when I forced myself to leave the house for something other than school. I was determined to cheer myself up. I walked to the closest coffee shop and ordered a large Lavender Chai Late with four shots of dark espresso. I probably would have had a good time if I weren't feeling so awful but life is what it is. It was 4:30 and the place was packed. I only saw one person there who looked like they weren't in college and everyone else was either my age or just a little older. They formed little cliques and groups, pushing tables and chairs together. A few boys pulled out guitars and played horribly in attempts of impressing the girls around them. But it was fun. Even though I reverted back to my thoughts of high school and secluded myself in the furthest corner, it was nice to be around other people who did not have the same problems as myself. Even in the midst of all these people I still felt lonely. I pulled out my phone and text my old friend from high school, Spencer.
-Hey what are you doing?-
I have not talked to him since graduation but I did not have anyone else to turn to. Spencer decided not to take the college route and instead went to the police academy. Since he was so young and inexperienced the only job he could find was with campus security here at Stanford. We have known each other since we were both ten and in the same Sunday school class. He has had a crush on me since we first met, that was why I had not called him until now. I did not want him to think I was giving him another chance but god knows he deserves it. He's a good person and a good friend.
I watched everyone around me but it was still too much to forget about Gram. I started to cry and everyone turned to look at me. Just as I was about to run out, as I always had before, a girl took a seat across the table from me. I figured she just needed a place to sit so I turned my head to hide as I sniffled quietly to myself. Everyone was having such a good time, I didn't want to kill the mood for her or anyone else. This made me more embarrassed and I cried even harder.
"Are you okay"? I heard her voice quietly from across the table. For a moment I didn't realize that she was talking to me. When I finally turned to her, she was looking at me with empathetic eyes, holding a cup of coffee in her hand.
I stuttered a reply through the sobs, "Wha... what? Uh... yeah, I... Sorry, I'm just having a bad day".
"You don't need to be sorry, honey." The girl scooted her chair in and asked, "Did something happen?"
I gave her a look before I replied. She took it as if I was offended and spoke before I could say anything, "I'm sorry I don't mean to pry it's just that I'm in one of your classes and I've only seen you like 3 times and you've always looked so stressed. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay with school and everything."
I sniffled and wipe my nose while I explain, "You're fine. Something just happened right before school started. I can't seem to get past it. I have not even gone to my other classes."
She leaned in and set her cup to the side, "Oh sweetie what happened?"
"I caught my fiancé with my best friend from high school." I don't know why I spilled the beans like this. I think I was just so alone and haven't vented to anyone about this yet. My parents look down at people for things like this and think of it as a weakness so I have not even told them what happened. I have never told my parents anything that was important to me. I have never told my sisters either, for fear of them telling my parents. The only person I have ever opened up to was Gram and I quickly learned what happens when you trust someone enough to tell them everything.
"Oh my god," she blurted out. "That is bullshit and unacceptable. Do you want me to help you go kick his ass?"
My crying turned to a few giggles, "No, but thank you. The last thing I need right now is to see that jerk ever again. Even if it's in a pool of his own blood." I appreciated the offer though and God knows I have thought about it. I could already tell that I liked this girl.
My phone rang, letting me know I had a new text but I knew who it was and did not want to be rude to this girl so I just put my phone in my purse.
The girl nodded and smiled, "I'm Stacy." She reached out a hand to shake mine but I had been blowing my nose into a napkin so I just showed her the tissue. She winced and pulled her hand away.
"I'll shake your hand later - after I wash." I said playfully.
Stacy smiled and replied, "Deal." She twiddled her thumbs for an awkward moment and then asked, "This your first time to Lavender Bean"? Referring to the coffee shop we were currently sitting in.
