"How is kissing that bad anyway?" I speak frankly. "Didn't you and mom kiss before you married her?"
He stands from where he is sitting and stares daggers at me before backhanding me across my face. I feel like this might be my last moment on earth. My cheek burns with fire it is all I can do to hold back the tears. He snarls at me and yells, "You little whore! How dare you? Your mother and I waited til we were married before we kiss or even held hands. Since the day you were born, you have been the Carter family curse. You miserable, fucking piece of shit."
I try to run out of the room but my dad grabs my hair an pulls me toward him. I cry and scream to get away but it's no use. He pulls me close and whispers, "I wish you were never born."
He throws me to the ground and screams once more, "Get out of my sight. You disgust me."
All I could do was cry and run to my room. Hard to believe, I know, especially for a preacher. But that is who he was. That was not the first time and it certainly wouldn't be the last.
The next morning during breakfast my mom reminds me of the "worldly dangers" and what I should look out for and that kissing is a "gateway" to other activities including sex.
I assured her that I would be true to my beliefs and to my family... but I only half believed the words coming out of my mouth. I liked the physical feelings that Scott gave me and I wanted to explore that more but my parents made me feel guilty about it. Always relating every situation to the church and religion. I had always wondered why they put so much pressure on me regarding this because it just made me want to never tell them anything about my life. I did not want to have this happen every time I found something that brought me happiness in life. That was the last time I took any boy home and the last time I had even led on that I was seeing anyone or even interested.
For the next month Scott and I would grow even closer and as much as I like kissing him, I want more even though I had no idea what "more" meant. One night, after having gone to a nearby lake for swimming and a picnic, we decide to have sex for the first time. Neither of our parents would be happy with what we are planning so we decide to find a secluded hotel and never tell another soul.
Everything is perfect. I love this boy and he loves me and knowing what we are about to do only makes me feel better about my decision. We make it to the room and lay on the bed, looking into each other's eyes. Scott lifts himself up and knees on the bed to take of his clothes. I like what I saw and my skin began to grow hot and flushes as excitement rushes through my body. He leans over and kisses me, this time with tongue. He lifts my blouse and begins to unbutton it when something happened. I start to cry.
All of my upbringing and the lessons from my parents come rushing back to me all at once. I is so embarrassed and I do not know what to say. He pulls on his pants and lays next to me until I am able to talk about what happened. I explain to him that I really want to have sex but that I am just not ready yet. I do not know what I would do if I did not have my family. I do not like my parent's constant threats about disowning me but I still love them.
Instead of losing my virginity that night, I sat in a hotel room crying on Scott's arm. He was kind about it though, he told me that he would rather me be honest and that we can wait until I felt ready. We decided to leave after a few more minutes so that we did not raise any alarms with our parents but it did not help. My parents must have suspected something because I got the "speech" once again when I got home.
Are you kidding me? Before I even have a chance to have sex, my parents break me down with constant talks of what will happen to me if I have sex before I get married and then when I feel like I did the right thing by saying no to Scott I get bombarded with the same speech and threats. I could not even tell them that I said no to having sex because they would get angry for letting myself get into a risky situation with a boy. My dad did not slap me that night but he would have if my mom did not slap me first.
I went to school the next day to find that Scott was not there. After what had happened the night before, I really just wanted to talk to him. That is when I did something that I had never done before - I skipped class.
I walk to his house in hopes that he is there. His car is in the driveway and his parent's cars are gone so I let myself in.
I walk upstairs and I heard him, "Oh my God!" What is this? He does not know I am here. I am confused but it only gets worse when I hear a girls voice say, "Is that good?"
I continue cautiously down the hall to his room. His door was partially opened so I slowly push it open the rest of the way. I may be new to dating and relationships but no one needs experience to know when your heart is broken. Scott and the coach of the volley ball team lay naked on his bed together. It is an image that would forever plague my mind.
After a lot of me crying and a lot of poor excuses from him, I stormed out of his house, crying and ashamed. I did not know what to do and I could not tell my parents so I just bottled it up inside and tried my best to forget about it. I could not even report Mrs. Canton for sleeping with a student because my parents would find out.
I did not try dating again till I was 18 and finally over my last experience. It was with Gram Henderson, my childhood friend. We only dated here and there until we both graduated later that year. I had a 4.0 every year and I was not about to let a boy get in the way of my becoming valedictorian, especially after what happened the last time I let my guard down for a boy. We talked about having sex but I was not sure if I could go through the same thing as last time. Instead, we watched movies, we went to comic book stores, we played video games and we even had our first kiss.
When summer finally came, we did everything, including deciding which college we were going to attend. We talked about marriage and while he never proposed, we both felt good about. We spent every day together touring different spots on the coast, visiting coffee shops and eating at some of the most interesting places. We would make out and he felt me up a few times, but mostly we just got to know each other. For hours and sometimes days at a time we would stay up all night talking and teasing each other.
Gram pressured me for sex every now and then but it did not bother him when I reminded him about wanting to wait for marriage.
Just as Gram and I were heading off to college, I walk into his house to pick him up and drive to our new home at Stanford University only to find him in bed with my best friend from high school, Mattie. You would think that after my first experience, I would have been a little more empowered and yelled at him or thrown something at his head or gouged Mattie's eyes out but all I could do was stare. Mattie screeched when she saw me. She rolled off of him and tried to cover herself with a sheet. I did not cry but I could not do anything else either, all I could do was blame myself. Can you believe it? We talked about marriage and starting a life together and when I catch him cheating on me all I can do is blame myself. I was weak. Do not get me wrong, I was vulnerable and young and immature but I would think that if it were anyone else they would have done something a little more appropriate for the situation.
I walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed and asked, "What did I do wrong".
Gram covered himself and muttered, "No...nothing... you just..."
"What?" I inquired. He didn't say anything so this time I demanded firmly, "What? Tell me."
He was surprised and blurted out, "You wouldn't have sex with me. All you wanted to do was talk and I just wanted to fuck!"
Mattie scoffed at how I was reacting to what had just taken place. Once she realized I was no threat, she ripped off the sheet, exposing her naked body to the cold air in the room. I don't know why but I remember the goose bumps slowly forming on her skin. At the time I felt even worse because all I could think about was how much more pretty she was then I.
She pulled up her pants and threw on her shirt before strolling past me for the door. She looked me up and down and she spoke confidently, "Now I know why he cheated on you." Pathetic, I know.
It was at this point when I decided that I was done with dating. I know I know, like you have never heard that one before. I knew my decision to give up dating was not going to last but I decided to say fuck it to the whole boyfriend thing and just have fun with life - at least try. Especially with college just around the corner, I did not want to tie myself to just one person but it was harder than I thought.
