It was nearly midnight when I almost ran her over. I was in a twenty-five zone. A fog was also beginning to descend, so I was probably doing twenty or less. Luckily for me, and for her. Nevertheless, I had slammed on the brakes as her tiny figure had teetered unsteadily into the road.
I gripped the steering wheel, heart pounding. Deer running in front of you was common where I lived, women rather less so. She stared into the car through the windshield. Eyes half closed in the dazzle of the headlamps. The same lamps made her stand out super clearly.
A short, dark blue dress belted at the waist and with a buttoned front, the top few of which were open, despite the fall chill. Something was written above one of her breast pockets, but I couldn't see what. More clear to me were her fishnets and black high heels, hence the teetering. Clearest of all, a blue cap with a silver badge atop a mop of wavy, black hair, framing an olive accented, and somewhat startled face.
I seemed incapable of movement for the moment. The girl stumbled towards me, she seemed to limp as she did, and tapped on the window. Regaining mobility, I pushed a button and the glass whirred down. She leaned into the car. I could now make out her tag, it read Molinera.
When she spoke, I could smell wine. Her voice was surprisingly deep for her diminutive size, and a little slurred. "What do you think driving like a madman on the sidewalk? You could have killed me!"
I was lost for words for a few seconds, then blurted out, "this is
the road
. You are in the actual road. You walked out right in front of me."
She looked confused. "Oh!" She glanced down and around as if trying to verify what I was saying. "Oh! Yeah maybe. But you should still be more careful. You know they put cop killers in the chair?"
I was regaining my composure. "Well a good thing my brakes work then. And you're not a cop are you? Was it a costume party, or do you always dress like this?"
She eased back from the window and stood up, adopting an air of dignity, which is not easy when you are clearly blind drunk. "I
am
a cop. Officer Molinera. You watch yourself. I don't want to have to cuff you."
She jangled something and I saw she indeed had cuffs on her belt. They seemed to be the only real thing about her outfit. "ASP Ultra Pluses, I'm impressed."
She seemed confused. "What? How do you...?"
I laughed, "well one of us
is
a cop. And I'm pretty sure that it's not you."
Her eyes grew wider. I couldn't help but smile. I reached for my wallet and held it up to her. She bent down to look at it, holding her face first close to the metal and then my ID card. Her dress billowed and gave me a glimpse of tiny breasts, tipped with bullet nipples; no doubt due to the temperature. She mouthed slowly to herself, "Kow-al-ski."
"Yeah, that's me, but you can call me officer."
She looked confused and then grinned. "OK, officer. Mind how you drive now."
She straightened up. Rather than heading to the nearer sidewalk, she unsteadily made for the far one. I saw oncoming lights and was out of my car in an instant. I feared I would be too slow, but managed to grab her and pull her out of harm's way, as an SUV sped past.
I was worried that my actions might have been misinterpreted, given her inebriated state, but the near miss seemed to have registered, and even sobered her up a little. Her voice was still slurred though, "thank you Officer Kowalski. I guess maybe I shouldn't have had that last glass."
She smiled rather fuzzily at me, and I couldn't help but reflect her mood. "Yeah, maybe those last four glasses."
She nodded sheepishly. "Sure. Can you get me an Uber? I tried, but the screen is out of focus for some reason, and my fingers don't seem to work." The embarrassed smile was back.
So I did what any reasonable guy would do. I offered to take her home. I was expecting reluctance. But she nodded and climbed straight in when I opened the passenger door. I walked round to my side, got in, and turned to ask her for the address.
She was comatose.
I was actually scared and checked her neck for a pulse. So now what to do? I had an unconscious female in my car. I wasn't going to push her out and drive off. But I was also acutely aware that the situation could be seen as compromising. Not good news in my profession.
I could call it in. Maybe some on duty guys could take her. But that would probably mean a night in the drunk tank. No, I needed to try to take her home. But I also needed to do something to cover my ass. An idea struck me. I got out my phone and found the person I was looking for. She answered after only a few rings.
"Hey, Mancini... Sorry to disturb you partner, I know it's late. I've just got a situation. Drunk woman nearly killed herself twice in the traffic... She's passed out in my car."
Mancini was her typical, unflappable self. Just what I needed in this rather fraught situation. She offered to help.