When We Were Young

Please read When We Were Young Ch. 2 and this will make a lot more sense.

Special thanks to kenjisato for the editing, whom I cannot recommend enough.

This is the first thing I've written. Comments would really be appreciated.

This part contains M/F consensual sex, retelling of M/MMM sexual assault (not too graphic) and FFF/M consensual sex

***

December 28, 2000

After checking out of the hotel and dropping Linda off at her house, I went home and slept for fourteen hours. Between the stress of Linda telling me about Ray, and me telling her (a little) of the hazing I'd endured and the sex in college, and telling her I loved her (and her saying it back!) — I was exhausted. Plus, I was due to meet Carmen, Linda's therapist, in like eighteen hours. I had no idea how that might go.

I lay awake thinking about KJ, how it was my fault he was dead, and about all the shit that had happened during those two weeks. How I could never tell anybody all of it, especially Linda. Why had I freaked on her, of all people? The one good thing in my life, my one shot at really being happy...happier than I thought possible. How I'd scared her, hurt her. How I'd do anything for her, anything to make her happy. How insecure I felt; where had that come from? Maybe, she was the first person I was afraid to lose. To sum up—I was a fucking mess.

Carmen had a small office in affluent Clayton; she was younger than I expected, maybe thirty, black, attractive, with a kind smile, super smart...not good for a man with secrets.

"Linda tells me you're dating and that it's serious," she said, as I settled on a loveseat.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied.

"Call me Carmen, if you prefer."

"Thanks, I'll try."

"She also said you had an episode a couple of nights ago. Why don't you tell me about that."

And so I told her what happened in the hotel room, and what I could remember telling Linda about the hazing. It was the tamest version of events and all I cared to tell anyone. I just wanted Carmen to tell me what was wrong, and how to avoid doing it again. I was pretty naïve.

"Tell me about KJ," she said.

I just stared at her. I didn't want to, not even a little. "Can't you just, I don't know, fix me?"

She gave me a kind smile. "It doesn't work that way, Tony. You and I talk about what happened then—and is happening now—and together, we'll try to figure out how to deal with it without you having more episodes."

I felt like a four-year-old about to have a temper tantrum. I really did not want to talk about him, about any of them. I didn't want anyone to know any more than I had already shared, but Carmen was not going to let me get away with that, it seemed. So, we just sat there in silence for about three minutes; me trying to decide how little I could say to get her to change the subject. The silence was deafening, unnerving.

"You won't tell anyone? You swear an oath or something?" I finally managed.

"Everything you tell me is confidential, Tony. I won't share anything you don't want me to."

The voice in my head was yelling at me to get out now, before it was too late.

'If you tell her, Linda will find out and leave you,'

it said.

'Once you start, you'll tell her everything, you know you will.'

And then an image of a disappointed Linda popped into my head. I can manage this, I thought, the voice in my head laughing hysterically.

"I killed KJ," I said hesitantly, staring at the floor.

'You're on your own, idiot,'

the voice said.

Carmen looked at me for several seconds, "KJ died of a drug overdose. That's what you told Linda. Is that not true?"

"But it's my fault. If he hadn't listened to me, he'd still be alive."

"How so?"

I took a deep breath. "That first evening, after Caleb and I...KJ had done the same to Jamaal; we were in our room, freaked out, trying to decide what to do. KJ had not been in the States very long; he looked at me like I would know what the answer was, what we should do. I asked him if he wanted to leave, saying it was okay if he did, and he asked me what I was going to do. I had decided down on the dock to just take it, whatever 'it' was. I felt like I had so much to lose, too much, and I told him I was going to stay, saying I thought we could do this, that it would be okay, and it'd be over soon—we could just forget about it and move on.

"So KJ said okay, he'd stay, too. And I was so happy (a sob broke free, and it took a minute before I could continue).

"If I had said we should leave, he would have listened to me, and he'd still be alive. Instead, I was a selfish prick and so wrong and should've known it would be...and now he's dead. It should be me," I said softly, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Carmen sat there as I collected myself. "When you and KJ talked and decided to stay, did you know everything that would eventually take place those two weeks?"

I just stared at her. What kind of asinine question is that? "Of course not!" I barked.

"Then you couldn't know what would happen, or how it would affect KJ...or you. You were put in an impossible situation; you didn't know what would happen and were forced to make a decision without knowing what the result would be. This is not your fault, Tony. A terrible thing happened to you; you were abused and taken advantage of."

"But I saw what it was doing to him, and I didn't do anything to stop it! We would have a little bit of time to ourselves in our bedroom, and I saw him sink slowly further and further into himself, and get quieter and quieter. We would get in bed together and I would spoon him and rub his back and tell him things would be okay, that it was just for a little while longer, and then everything would go back to normal. But how do you go back to normal after you've been raped and humiliated day after day!?"

"You couldn't know how he would react to the trauma, or how you would react. You were treated the same way as he was..."

"You don't fucking get it!"

"What don't I get, Tony?"

Silence. I stood up and started pacing the small office, an image of Linda in my head, telling me to trust Carmen. 'Do it for me, Tony,' her voice said.

"Tony, I can see this is really difficult to talk about. Something you thought you'd put behind you long ago, but it's obviously still bothering you and caused you to dissociate, to lose where you were momentarily the other night. To hurt and scare Linda. And I know how much you care about her, and that you don't want it to happen again. I am here to help you, but the only way I can do that is if you are completely honest with me. And it is obvious you are not telling me everything. What you tell me will not leave this room. Linda was able to trust me completely, and I'm hoping you can, too."

Enough, already. Just, fucking enough. I did not deserve this, this, this compassion. I paced back and forth, self-loathing eating away at me...and then I glanced at Carmen, polite sympathy on her face.

I exploded. "I LIKED IT! OKAY!? Is that what you want to hear!? That I liked sucking Caleb's cock every morning!? Or that he'd hold me when we were alone, and that I loved to nuzzle his neck and play with his nipples!? Or that he fucked me almost every day for a semester and a half, and I loved it!? Or that I got hard lots of other times those assholes were...were...and it was fucking humiliating!? Or that I'd be sitting there alone, stoned, WISHING that someone would want me to...to...God DAMMIT!! Why would I LIKE it!? WHY!?" I was breathing heavily, crying, snot running into my mouth, shame and disgust seeping from every pore in my body.

Fuck. I took a deep, shaky breath. "Okay, it was like this; Andre stood up to them and Tre was okay, and fuck the rest of those assholes. But Caleb went easier on me than he had to, when everyone was around. And when we were alone, he would rub my back and neck and kiss me and tell me that it would be over soon and that I was doing such a great job and to just hang in there. I felt safe in his arms. He made it tolerable; he saved me. I would have gone insane without him.

"And while I was perversely, almost, almost HAPPY, KJ was falling apart, and I should have been looking out for him and taking care of him. That was my job. Instead, I was a selfish asshole and now he's fucking dead!" I collapsed back in my seat, breathing heavily.

Carmen was silent and we sat there for a few minutes while I tried to regain my composure, afraid to look at her. If she told Linda... "Tony, thank you for telling me. I can see how difficult that was for you to do; it would be for anyone. And before you ask, this stays between you and me." (I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in) "I'm glad you had Caleb to help you with the trauma you experienced during this time. But he was one of the abusers, too, yes?"

"Yeah, but he apologized the second or third day. He didn't know any of the stuff that would end up happening to us. He thought the handjob and one blowjob would be it. But everything went crazy. He was worried about KJ too, but it was impossible to shield us from all of them."

"Tony, if he apologized the second or third day, why did you continue your, uh, activities with him?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I think because it was my choice? If I initiated it, he couldn't force me; but I know he wouldn't have. I wasn't being forced to do it like I was with all the other guys. It was like I was carving out a little space to make decisions on my own. And, God help me, I really enjoyed it. That hour or two was the best part of the day. Everybody else was still passed out, just us outside by the lake...it was peaceful."

"Do you blame Caleb, Jamaal, and the others for KJ's death?" Carmen asked.

"Not so much Caleb, Andre, or Tre. This wouldn't have happened with just them. But the others, yeah. Mostly Jamaal, he started everything, and the others just did what he said."

"From what you've told me, you tried to help KJ in the same way Caleb helped you, holding him and encouraging him."

"A fat lot of good that did, huh?" I replied, disgustedly.

"You tried, Tony. You didn't walk away from him, tried to get him help. It's obvious you cared. You can't save everybody; trust me, I know."

"I still should've done...I never should have...I don't know. FUCK!! Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize. This is a lot to handle on your own. All in all, I think you're doing well."

"Pfffft. Then why did I freak out the other night? Why now? Why Linda?"

"Has there been anybody since Caleb that you've really cared about?"

"No."

"Did this ever happen with Caleb?"

"I had panic attacks several times. Nothing sexual, but I, uh, I was always the bottom with him. With Linda, I was..."

"I understand, Tony. It might have been that change in dynamic, I'm not really sure. That's something we'll need to discuss further. We've covered a lot and I can see you're exhausted. Can you come back in a couple of days?"

I was really drained. "Okay. Uh, Carmen, uh, can you, can you fix me?"

"Fix is not a word that I would use. But I see no reason why we can't make things better; help you understand what triggers these dissociative episodes, how to recognize the symptoms, and how to handle them before they become scary and hurtful. It might be helpful, at some point, to have Linda sit in on our sessions. I am a licensed sexual therapist, and I think I could help both of you. She has her own issues to deal with, and I think she is doing very well. It would be an honor if I was able to help a member of my best friend's family."

"If Linda was here, you wouldn't, uh, tell her about, uh, Caleb, would you?" I asked, nervously.

"Not if you didn't want me to, no. But you might think about telling her yourself. I think it would be good for both of you, but that's not something to worry about today. Go home and try and relax. This is a lot and I want you to try and decompress this evening. And we can pick this up in a couple of days. Okay?"

"Carmen? Why, why did I like it when they would, you know, uh, humiliate me? I didn't want to, I swear, but my body just...I hated it. And that just made it worse!"

"That's a big question. The short answer is that some people find humiliation to be sexually stimulating, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are a lot of people that do; you were just exposed to it in a very unhealthy, unsafe environment. We can talk about it, but not tonight. Go home and rest. Doctor's orders."

I went home and collapsed, dreaming of KJ...and Caleb.

**

I did not tell Linda when she came over the next day. My mind could just not fathom a way to tell the person I hoped to spend the rest of my life with about any of it. "Hey babe, you know that guy whom I said made me suck him off every day for two weeks? Yeah, I did that on my own, and then he fucked me every day for a semester and a half after that. And all that shit they made us do? I hated it, but I really got off on it, too. And I get hard and excited if I'm humiliated. Okay? Cool...ready for dinner?" Uh, no.

We spent the day watching trashy TV and eating take-out Chinese. I told her that I liked Carmen, that I thought she could help me, and that I was seeing her again tomorrow. But I did not go into any of the details, and Linda, God love her, did not ask.

We made plans to go to her best friend Sharon's house for New Year's Eve. Her parents were out of town, and there were going to be a lot of their high-school friends there. We both needed time to be around people our age, cut loose, and not think about all this crap for a few hours.

My next session with Carmen went well, the only thing of note being that, while I still felt very guilty about KJ, I was starting to concede my culpability paled in comparison to others, namely Jamaal. But there was a lot of shit to deal with and 'fixing' me was going to take some time.

As we walked up the long drive to Sharon's house, I couldn't keep my eyes off Linda. She was wearing a mouth-watering, silver-sequined dress that hung loose, a little short of mid-thigh, deep V-necked front and back with spaghetti straps. A lot of her braless, nearly flat chest showed, which had my mouth watering, not to mention by looking down at her from the side, I got the occasional glimpse of a protruding nipple, which I knew she'd bared just for me (I was feeling more and more guilty about not leveling with her about the hazing. I knew she was uncomfortable and was making a great effort, in part, because of me...it made me ashamed).

Sharon's parents' house was huge, easily twice as big as the house I grew up in. Over five-thousand square feet, with six bedrooms, an indoor lap pool, and this big foyer, where the stairs wind up either side of the space, with this huge chandelier. It had McMansion written all over it, and Sharon was an only child! I don't get it, but it was a cool place for a party with a hundred of your closest friends.

Sharon was, like the house, outsized in every way. Six-foot tall, maybe 175 pounds, blonde, deep-blue eyes, 36DD breasts that sat high on her chest, a big body; statuesque. And a voice as big and loud as she was, with a laugh that just echoed around the house. She was beautiful in a long-sleeved, red sweater dress that stopped mid-thigh and hugged her every curve. The sight of her next to five-foot-three, 110-pound Linda was comical; it made them look that much bigger and smaller, respectively.

She greeted us at the door, screamed loud enough to peel wallpaper, picked Linda up, and spun her around like a doll. "Melon!! I've missed you!"

"Put me down! We had lunch three days ago, you nut!" Linda laughed, swatting ineffectively at her friend. Returned to Earth, she grabbed my hand. "Brick, this is Tony. Tony, Sharon."

Sharon eyed my six-foot-two, 190-pound frame, and decided on just a hug. Granted, an air-sucking bear hug. "So, you're the reason I never see Melon anymore," she said. "And why on earth did you bring a fruit basket?" looking between me and Linda.

"Don't look at me," said Linda. "He told me it was a surprise." Both looked in my direction.

"Sharon, Linda tells me you're responsible for educating Melon here in the ways of..." I began.

"Tony Webster, don't you dare!" shrieked Linda, face beet red.

"What?" I said, feigning innocence. "You said she taught you how to give great blo-OWWW!!" fending off Linda's blows and laughing, before wrapping her in my own bear hug to prevent further damage.

While we wrestled, Sharon stood there grinning at us. "You're so adorable it's disgusting. And Tony?" she said, stepping up, Linda sandwiched between us, shoving her tongue in my ear before whispering, "You're welcome."

And with that, they went off laughing into the crowd, leaving me standing there stunned. "That's just mean," I mumbled, stumbling along after them.

I only knew a couple of people at the party, but everyone was having a good time. It was nice to see Linda interacting with all her old friends and really having fun. I was leaning against a wall in low light, several feet off the dance floor, lit up with strobe lights and disco balls, watching her dance and laugh with her friends. She was so cute, and I found myself just staring at her, thinking how lucky I was. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but Sharon snuck up behind me mid-stare, whispering in my ear, "She's a sexy little bitch, isn't she?" squeezing my ass cheek and making me jump.

"She is," I stumbled, caught off guard and looking at Sharon, who was staring at Linda with, I'd swear, lust in her eyes. "You've been BFFs a long time, huh?" as her hand returned to my ass, touching just enough to let me know it wasn't an accident.

"Since I gave her a concussion when we were six." Noting my quizzical look, she continued, "We butted heads playing soccer, and the side of her head swelled up like a melon," she laughed quietly, continuing to stare at Linda and fondle my ass.

"That's why you call her Melon?"

She nodded in reply, adding, "And she calls me Brick 'cause of my hard head."

This passive fondling of my ass was great but weird. Nobody could see, and it was easily deniable, but it was not my imagination. "I really do appreciate your fellatio education; she's fantastic at it," I said. Let's throw that out there and see what comes back.

"I love oral," she sighed, her hand trailing up the crack of my ass, with enough pressure to massage my bud, causing a small moan to reach her ears, a little grin on her face, still watching Linda on the dance floor.

Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. "That feels good, Sharon, but I doubt she would approve. And I love her...a lot," I said.

As Linda caught us watching her and came towards us, Sharon breathed into my ear, "You might be surprised, Tony," rubbing my button again, before moving her hand to my shoulder.

"My two favorite people," Linda said, smiling up at us. "Getting to know each other?"

"You're right, Melon, he does have a great ass," Sharon said, giving it another squeeze, laughing when she made me jump.

"Now, now, Sharon. I'm taken," I laughed nervously, stepping away and behind Linda to hold her...and get away from that hand.

"Sharon, behave," Linda laughed.

"Okay, if you insist. Until later," she said, leaning in and kissing Linda deeply and tweaking a nipple before moving back to the party. I could hear Linda moan into her mouth. It was, uh, very hot.

"Wow," I managed, as Linda spun around, pinned me against the wall, and assaulted my mouth with her tongue, beating mine into submission, grinding her stomach against my crotch, half-hard and growing.

Breaking the kiss, she looked up at me, eyes sparkling. "Get me a drink, baby."

"Sure thing, babe," I replied, and started toward the bar, when Linda reached a hand out to stop me, intensity in her beautiful green eyes.