Vivian Travels to Estonia

When Eino Tarvas was delivering his surprising and somewhat laconic wedding proposal, it so happened that Vivian was in the process of sipping on her coffee liqueur. As soon as it registered in her mind as to what he was actually saying, she choked on her drink. Her reaction was so severe that droplets of her half-swallowed sip came shooting out of her nostrils. After clearing her nose and regaining her decorum, Vivian replied, "But Eino, aren't we virtually strangers to each over? Neither of us knew of each other's existence before three days ago."

Eino wistfully replied, "Quite so. We were introduced about three o'clock in the afternoon two days ago at the Läänemets' residence. And seeing as it's getting on to be ten o'clock, by my mathematical count we have known of each other for about fifty-five hours. I think that's a long enough time that we need not consider ourselves as complete strangers."

Vivian was exasperated by such a cavalier answer. It tended to make her think he was not being serious and was playing a prank on her. For what reason she could not fathom, especially considering how much they were enjoying each other's company, not to mention the hot sex they had experienced. So, she retorted, "I'm not of a mind to debate the precise meaning of the word 'strangers', but surely you would concede that less than three full days of 'acquaintanceship'* (*air quote gesture by Vivian) is not long enough to determine whether one would contemplate matrimony. I mean we really don't know each other's character, habits, and a million other things we ought to know before we could come to a reasonable conclusion that we ought to marry."

Eino answered, "Thoroughly knowing each other's character is not a requirement to contemplate marriage nor is it a guarantee that a marriage will be successful. In fact I would go so far as to say it might be detrimental to know too much about the character of one's intended as such knowledge might ruin the marriage from the get go. I suggest the less you know about the character of your intended the better off you are and the better your chances to have a successful marriage."

Vivian gasped, "You can't be serious! You can't truly believe that!"

Eino replied, "Oh yes I do! In fact, have you ever read the English novel 'Pride and Prejudice' by Jane Austen?"

Vivian was developing a sense of déjà vu. She recalled that her friend Angela Peterson quoted the same exact novel to justify her rash decision to marry after a very brief acquaintanceship with her eventual husband. At least Angela knew her fiancé six weeks before accepting his marriage proposal, which was a lot more than three days. All she could answer was, "Why yes I have, actually read it several times; it is one of my favorite novels."

"For me too. I first read it in school in the Estonian translation. I enjoyed the novel so much that I've reread it in the original English."

"You understand English?"

"I wouldn't say I can get by flawlessly, but I can read it with the help of a translation dictionary. Every student in Estonian schools is taught English as a useful foreign language to learn, but Russian is the primary foreign language taught for obvious reasons. The more ambitious student can also study German in our public schools."

Vivian replied, "Well I am good at three languages, English, German and of course Estonian, but I have no knowledge of Russian."

Eino continued, "Well I wouldn't say I'm strong in either Russian or English, but as I said, I can get by in reading them, I didn't study German. I admit that when reading the novel in English I had to consult heavily on my Estonian version as well as the translation dictionary whenever I stumbled at the meaning of a particular word or passage. As the novel was written more than two hundred years ago, language has been naturally evolving. I discovered one interesting English example was the word 'intelligence' which modern usage means mental acuity or perhaps secretive news about an enemy's movements. But in the text of 'Pride and Prejudice' it means gossip even rumor, or just simply news."

Sensing that their discussion was getting sidetracked, Vivian sought to reel it in and said, "That's all fine and interesting to be sure, but what's all that got to with our conversation? You will recall you just proposed marriage to me, and I protested that we are virtually strangers not knowing much about each other's character."

Eino continued, "Well in the novel, the character, Charlotte Lucas, says to her friend Elizabeth, the heroine, in essence that success in marriage is a matter of chance and is not dependent on how well you know the person you may wish to marry. Even were you to spend a full year observing the character of your fiancé it will not matter since the circumstances and reality of marriage will change the character of the person you thought you knew. Charlotte concludes that's its best to know as little as possible of the defects of your intended if you wish to achieve any happiness in your marriage."

Vivian smiled as she realized Eino was referring to the same passage in the novel which Angela had alluded to when she explained her short courtship. So, Vivian decided to try a different tactic in rebutting the rash marriage proposal. She said, "I now understand why you're quoting 'Pride and Prejudice' as it apparently gives you a quaint rationale for your sudden proposal of marriage. Now I daresay that Charlotte's opinion might have been valid in her day, but times have obviously changed including how society in general views marriage. For one thing, in those days a bride is expected to be a virgin on her wedding night. Nowadays, unless a woman is devoutly religious and adheres to her faith's moral code, if she is a virgin on her wedding most people would think, and rightly so I might add, that there's something wrong with her, possibly with the groom, as well. I daresay divorce is much more frequent and not as scandalous nowadays. So, to my way of thinking, it is very important that you know as much as possible of the person you want to marry if you wish to avoid divorce."

Eino countered, "While that's true of what you say about the changes of how society views marriage, but I still suggest that Charlotte's advice is even more valid today. You see during courtship each person is constantly trying to impress the other and disguise their defects. Thus, it's only after you are married and live together do you discover your spouse's true nature. And when you discover the warts in your spouse's character why the prevailing thought running through your mind is, 'That's not the man, or woman as the case may be, who I thought I married.' And divorce is the second thought that runs through your mind."

Eino continued, "Take the habit of smoking. Say your intended is a smoker and you're not. During courtship you are aware he smokes, but lots of people smoke. So, in your mind you say you can live with that especially since he does not appear to be a heavy smoker. Of course, you don't take into account that you're merely dating, and during all the time you're in each other's presence it's not in an everyday mundane setting. So, once you're married and live together, you discover he smokes more frequently than you had expected. You find you cannot abide the sight of dirty cigarette ashtrays, and you gag at the smell of his clothes. Soon your marriage goes down the toilet."

Vivian opined, "But in today's society living together before officially getting married is commonplace and certainly not frowned upon. Thus, had this hypothetical couple lived together, she would have discovered his ugly habit which she found that she couldn't tolerate, and thus avoid going down the aisle."

Eino took a long sip of his drink before replying, "I don't have any statistics, but I have the impression that the divorce rates for couples who lived together before tying the knot as opposed to couples who started living together only after wedding vows were exchanged would probably be somewhat similar. Living together without being married makes dissolving the relationship so much easier and lessens the commitment to staying together. Without real commitment you are not prepared to accept compromises necessary to make a marriage work. So, living together before actually getting married is no guarantee you will have a happy or lasting marriage.

"I believe my imagined example offers a really proof positive evidence of the validity of Charlotte's assertion. If you knew beforehand whether your intended was a smoker or not it would not matter depending on your commitment. If you are truly committed to make your marriage work, you will find a compromise to accommodate your partner's shortcomings. If you're not so committed, you'll just use that as an excuse to justify in getting out of the marriage.

"So as Charlotte said you're better off not knowing anything of your partner's faults until after you're actually married. In such case you will be in a better frame of mind to negotiate a mutually satisfactory accommodation. In our imagined circumstance if you couldn't stand your spouse's smoking habits the two of you could come to some satisfactory compromises such as no smoking in the house or in the family car. Brushing one's teeth and using mouth wash prior to intimacy can be another concession from the smoker."

Vivian was intrigued by the case Eino was making but was having some difficulty in comprehending how genuine he was in making a serious offer of marriage. She was also cognizant that she hadn't as yet come back with an instant outright refusal to what objectively was an outrageous proposal. So, she responded somewhat jocularly, "Since you used the 'Pride and Prejudice' example I think I'll answer as Elizabeth did in declaring that your reasoning is not sound, and you know it's so. You never would act that way yourself."

Then immediately recalling the circumstances of the referenced novel, and the fact that Eino had just made a marriage proposal based on an extremely short acquaintanceship, she broke down in hearty, but probably nervous laughter. With mirthful tears flowing from her eyes, Vivian continued, "But I guess Elizabeth was wrong in her assessment, since Charlotte did subsequently marry even knowing her husband to be a pompous ass. And according to the text they had a satisfactory marriage as recognized by the society of those days, and she even became pregnant. As for you, as I reiterate, you virtually know nothing of me. Yet you make what seems like a serious proposal."

Eino retorted, "Of course I'm serious and my proposal is not a joke. Speaking of jokes, I recall one that might be apropos to our discussion. What is the difference between a married man and a single man?"

Vivian was discombobulated by this sudden topic change, so that all she could say is, "OK I'll bite. What?"

"A single man goes through life without ever knowing what's wrong with him."

Vivian laughed heartily fully comprehending the import of the joke. So, she replied, "I gather since you have been married that you're aware of all of your shortcomings?"

Eino replied, "Of course that goes without saying. It's also why this joke can't be truly understood by single men, even I daresay men who have lived with a woman without being married. My marriage to Dagi was a real commitment respecting the traditional marriage vows of faithfulness whether rich or poor, in sickness or in health until death do us part.

"Looking back on it, I experienced an unhappy marriage but that was solely due to Dagi's long lingering illness culminating in her death. She was not good in bed, but then how could she be? Considering the constant pain she felt throughout our marriage, the desire for sex was understandably just not there. In fact shortly after our son was born, and Dagi was diagnosed of her terminal illness, she became basically bedridden till her death. The only physical task she could perform was breast feeding our son. The only marital sex we had then was my eating her out while she was breast feeding.

"Actually, such oral sex was the greatest sexual experience in our marriage. I could sense and see that Dagi took real sexual pleasure from my efforts, as I believe she enjoyed exquisite orgasms as a result. It easily was the only truly happy moments she experienced while enduring the end days of her truly brief life. I was devastated by her death even though it was not unexpected. I was gratified that I was able to provide some comfort for my late wife, and I'm blessed with a son from our union, who I trust will become a worthwhile citizen of the world."

Vivian was impressed by Eino's words as they displayed a most loyal and caring characteristic trait which she could never respect enough. It also made her realize that his marriage proposal was not a caviler example of whimsy but a result of consideration of a real desire. So, she carefully responded, "Then what you're saying as I understand it, is that all that is needed to make a viable long lasting marriage is a genuine unshakable commitment by both parties to stay married no matter what?"

Eino replied, "No, I'm not that naïve. I believe there are two real deal breakers that would sabotage sustaining a worthwhile marriage no matter the commitment. One is cruelty inflicted by one spouse to the other whether physical or physiological. Albeit physiological abusive cruelty is probably impossible to define objectively on an individual basis. Suffice it to say it surely must be evident on reviewing the circumstances applicable to every allegation of cruelty in the marriage."

Vivian laughed as she interrupted, "You're probably not aware of this Eino, but the Supreme Court of the United States had to grapple with the precise definition of hard-core pornography way back in the 1960's. At that time movie producers were pushing the envelope of how graphic could sexual scenes be shown, but still not violate the standards of artistic merit which community standards could tolerate. It being a given that hard-core pornography could not be accepted. The Justice who rendered the majority discussion opined that perhaps he could never succeed in intelligibly define hard-core pornography, but claimed, 'I know it when I see it'. I guess that similar test can apply to what is physiological cruelty."

Eino responded, "Quite so and the nature of such a flippant opinion does not lessen the validity of the end of a marriage where the aggrieved spouse genuinely asserts the claim of cruelty. Anyway, the other real deal breaker to a successful marriage is marital infidelity, adultery being the obvious example of such failure. However, marital infidelity means more than just plain adultery. To be truly faithful, means each spouse has each other's back, and that is the true definition of marital fidelity."

At this point Vivian gasped at which to her mind was the obvious implications of Eino's words. So, she asked, "Oh my god Eino! If you put so much stock on the importance of fidelity in a marriage, how the hell could you be confident of my fidelity should we marry? My main protest to your marriage proposal is the undeniable fact that we know so little of each other's character, considering our very brief acquaintanceship. However, what you do know about me is that I'm very promiscuous in sex. I have had lots of different sexual partners, and not just men either, as I've indulged in some girl-on-girl sex as well. If I were asked to make up a list of all my sexual partners, I probably couldn't succeed in compiling a fully accurate complete list, since I'm pretty sure I would fail to recollect some of my sex partners. Again, given the facts of my past sexual history, wouldn't you be afraid that I would stray from the marriage vows of fidelity?"

Eino now responded rather animatedly, as he could sense he was winning the battle in Vivian's mind to advance his marriage proposal into the realm of serious consideration. The fact she had not yet pronounced an unequivocal refusal had the effect to emboldening his desires. So, he replied, "Your past sexual history is just that: your past sexual history. It is not a true predictor for future fidelity concerns. All that can be deduced from your past sexual history is that you are a woman who likes sex with enthusiasm. Which by the way is a trait I admire greatly, especially considering my time with my beloved wife Dagi, who sadly could not enjoy sex. If anything, your past sexual history suggests a strong indication that you would be faithful. Besides it supports Charlotte's conviction in 'Pride and Prejudice'."

Vivian was even more astonished by this reply. She answered, "Good grief, Eino! What is there in my past sexual history that you know about, which would confirm that I would be a strong candidate to adhere to the marriage vow of fidelity?"

Feeling that he was making headway in his quest to convince Vivian to marry him, Eino calmly replied, "I get the impression that there have only been two men in your life of whom you really had a serious love relationship with. In either case, not even requiring an unequivocal assertion on your part that you were faithful to both of them, there is irrefutable objective evidence affirming such fidelity."

"Oh really? All right Sherlock, what are the irrefutable clues that suggests that I did not cheat on my two serious lovers?"

"Well in the case of your first lover, the wealthy billionaire, you had an ongoing relationship lasting almost three years. You ended it, once you learned he was incapable of fathering a child because he had previously undergone a vasectomy. Getting pregnant by him was your sole bottom line desired outcome which induced you to remain in this relationship which you otherwise deemed could not last indefinitely. Thus, such a fervent desire to get pregnant by him, could only mean he had of have been your sole lover during your entire relationship. You wouldn't want to be unsure of the identity of the sire of your pregnancy, as such would defeat the purpose of your desires. Theoretically, I suppose had you cheated, you might have demanded the use of a condom or restrict your sexual activity to oral sex or to sodomy, in order to preserve the possibility of getting pregnant solely by the billionaire. But I would think that would be too cynical to contemplate as an actual occurrence."

Vivian smiled at this, since actually, she did attend two orgies at the TLR during her time with Jed Baxter, and she wore a diaphragm on each occasion. Mind you, Jed attended these orgies with her, so it wasn't like she was truly cheating on him, and this, in Vivian's view did not negate the main point Eino was making. She, then replied, "I see your reasoning, and I suppose objectively because my marriage was of such short duration, one must conclude there was in reality no time available when I could have been unfaithful to my husband."

Eino replied, "On the contrary, the experience of your marriage provides even a stronger case to support the supposition that you will be faithful to your wedding vows."

Vivian protested, "How can you even say that? In reality my marriage only lasted for two hours before he was carted off to jail. My marriage wasn't even consummated."

"Well not to quibble, but your marriage did not officially end until your husband was murdered in prison four days after your wedding ceremony. But during the interval you displayed absolute fidelity of your commitment to your marriage. As you say there was no time to consummate your marriage but still you do have a daughter by him. Obviously then, you did have sex with him prior to your nuptials, and it can be safely assumed you did not cheat on him during the time of your courtship. However, as I already have said that in my view, fidelity in marriage means more than just merely refraining from committing adultery, and you demonstrated your fidelity unequivocally, and which I might add without any hesitation. And at the same time, you affirmed, inadvertently I'm sure, of Charlotte's astuteness in expressing her opinion in regard to happiness in marriage."