Vanished

It had been a long day already. It started well before dawn, as it always did when it was necessary for me to travel great distances. This time I had chosen to travel by a rental car, my favorite mode of travel. I absolutely loved the freedom of driving, the miles rolling by one after another, town after town, singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite CD's, off key of course.

Early in the day it had been business as usual; me, the hard-driving workaholic, doing what I did best, directing my staff ensuring every detail was handled to perfection. My cell phone glued against my ear until it was too hot to hold against there, only then giving it a momentary cooling off period.

Maybe it was the mountain air, or maybe I was having a breakdown but after a particularly frustrating call I yanked the phone cord out of the cigarette lighter with a vicious tug and tossed it over my shoulder into the back seat. "Enough!"

I just wanted to be alone lost to the world that kept me so tethered; I was so frustrated as I had been for months. This was the first time I had cut my tether in years. Now, no one knew exactly where I was; they knew where I would be in three days time when I would catch my plane back home, but not for right then. I chuckled aloud to myself. "I wonder what the family would say if they knew I was lost again. Wonder how many times this year this makes? There must be a major road just over those mountains peaks. Oh well, who cares," I said with a shrug.

As I drove I alternated between brooding over yesterday's decision and in a state of awe looking at the beautiful scenery. I fumbled with the air conditioner control panel in this strange car. Gawd, I wish they would standardize rental car controls. Finding it I turned it off, rolled down the window, and let the warm, pine-scented air lift my spirits. As it worked its magic my foot eased off the gas pedal, I could feel myself relaxing, slowing down. "What is the saying about if you don't know where you are going then any road will take you there?" I mused to myself, laughing at my own joke.

I watched the beautiful, high desert country drift by; the car's speed slowed with every mile and the 'got to rush', 'got to be somewhere' sensations eased. My drive continued leisurely, I thoroughly enjoyed my time alone reflecting upon my life.

People said I was successful and I certainly I had enjoyed considerable success; but success had come at a cost and usually I didn't think of myself as terribly successful. I owned a thriving business. We belonged to all the right clubs and had the respect of the business community. I had lots of friends and family to act as my support group rounding out my world. To the world I was a happy and successful businesswoman who had mastered juggling it all.

Only hubby and I really knew what the cost had truly been. I had it all, the big house, the perfect family, an equally successful husband and we had two beautiful, intelligent, children - one of each. My children were in the care of nannies and schools and my house was well cared for by the nanny/housekeeper. My husband was so busy too that he hardly noticed we seldom had just time to ourselves. We were out of control on the road to having it all.

I mused to the empty car, "When was the last time we traveled together or have even gone on a date, just the two of us all alone?" It had been a long, long time; I couldn't remember when the last time had been. I felt sad over the missed dance recitals, missed Cub Scout camps and especially the T-ball games I just could not get away from the office to attend.

Yes, I had it all. But today I was not happy. The load I carried was just too much for me sometimes and this was one of those days. Well, I mean I am not happy with certain parts of my life. I loved my kids and my husband. It was work it was killing me. I put in way too many hours at the office then left feeling I something was undone.

I left work every night with a tug of war going on in mind an incessant struggle between the need to stay and work or go home and feel guilty. Of course staying won't have saved me from the guilt either.

Not even when I left work did I go straight home to my family; I stopped at my gym first. In many ways it was my sanity pill. I exercised and toned my body with the same passion I did everything else. I was lean and firm from hours of aerobics and running and my muscles were well developed from my weight training. My time at the gym rejuvenated me for the rest of my day, which would be equally as busy as my working day.

Every morning before daylight, long before I woke the kids, I ran for two miles and walked for a mile. The walk was my time to smell the roses. My frame was average in size, but with my body type, I could have become one of those pear-shaped women fairly easily. I was in great shape if I did say so myself, but it took dieting, fanatical dieting and tons of exercise to maintain that svelteness. I had overheard the guys at the office, my employees, saying that I was stacked and I couldn’t help myself but walk just a little bit more sensually past them the next time. 'Look, boys, but don't touch,' I would laughingly say to myself. My average nine-hour workday and my hour at the gym was the routine before heading home to hubby and my darlings.

While the gym recharged my batteries it cut into my time with those I love. I so look forwarded to being swarmed as I walked in the door, the last one home. They all had something to tell me, a secret to share or a homework assignment that they needed my help with. I was blessed. But it overwhelmed me all too often and then I felt inadequate to my responsibilities.

Oh, the freedom that came with simply pulling that plug. No one owns my time for now. I had come three thousand miles and sold my business in principle, the details to be worked out later when I returned home. I think I did it here so I would not have to face my world and my irrevocable decision for these three days. I would have the rest of my life to face the decision. I did it with no fanfare nor any real plans for my future, but it felt like I had dumped the weight of the world.

Now no one knows where I am or what I am doing.

I turned off onto a side road across the rattling cattle gate then slowed and pulled over to the side of the road in the shade of the towering pines. In a daring uncharacteristic move I shed my business attire and leaving on only the necessities, my soft pink silk camisole and black mini skirt. After putting in my favorite tape I pushed the seat way back, reclining it. I pulled aside my thong panties and lay there playing with myself in the quiet of the hot afternoon. With the toss of my phone, I had thrown all caution to the wind. I was like a neophyte in a world without purpose.

Something brought me to this high desert road and I was glad it had. It was so beautiful, so peaceful, and so absolutely quiet. The ponderosa pines for years had spread a carpet of needles across the land and they muffled all sound. It looked so different here than at home; so rocky and craggy, so beautiful. I loved the clean pine scent that was wafting in through the open windows on the hot breeze. What I did not understand was that I had arrived at my new home.

Maybe I dozed off, I will never know for sure, but suddenly I was conscious of the fact that I smelt smoke heavy in the air. I could see what I believed was a forest fire off in the distance, thick rolling smoke obliterating everything. I quickly started the car and drove away. I was not yet worried, there must be roads off of this one that would take me clear of the spreading inferno. I knew there were no roads behind me for miles and miles, so surely there must be one up ahead.

How did that happen so fast? The fire that had been off in the distance only a moment ago was now behind me too?

There were hundreds of panicked animals running across the road everywhere. I swerved, missing several. Their panic infected me, my heart raced. I was facing a herd of deer and there was no missing them. I closed my eyes not wanting to see their slaughter. Crunch, blood spattered the windshield, one went up and over the roof. I could hear their bones breaking. I could not see, the windshield was smeared with blood. What a horrible thought, I had taken a life.

I lost control of the car. I was rolling, the car turned end over end, and dust flew up meeting the intensifying cloud of smoke. The last thing I heard was my hysterical scream. A scream that echoed in my head for what seemed like forever. In that split second, I realized I would burn alive very soon, if I lived through the crash. I passed out not expecting to live. My last conscious thought was, “I want to live!”

To Be Continued...