After reading the first chapter, you probably already drew a picture of me. You saw what I told you and filled in my picture with your guesses and intuitions. Maybe you think that I'm a naughty girl who had several partners and lived everything very quickly, that all sexual experiences were easy and simple for me.
I am not even remotely like that.
In the overall, I consider myself to be a normal, average woman. I don't think that I am more naughty than my acquaintances, nor that my experiences came too early or too late.
On the contrary: I am even romantic. I like to have someone with me. This is just not the current scenario. At this moment in my life I have Joshua, a hookup, and nothing else.
But it wasn't always like this.
In the early college years, a few months after that afternoon at Maggie's, I met a guy, Ravi, and I fell madly in love with him right away. Ravi was not exactly handsome, but he was good looking, tall -- I have a thing for tall guys... --, smart as hell, super polite, and caring. How good I felt in his arms! I slept snuggled on his chest and was at peace!
When I broke up with Ravi I suffered a lot. My heart was broken.
At this moment you must be asking yourself: why did you break up with such a nice guy?
Don't misjudge me. I hope that you haven't experienced something like this to have to make such a difficult choice. When we broke up, we loved each other. It's complicated. Sometimes people love each other and yet they need to break up. In some cases, the relationship brings with it feelings other than love, bad feelings. Over time these feelings will gradually eat away at you from the inside. So, a relationship full of love can become poisonous. It can do harm. Unlike what people say, love alone is not enough. Not in all cases. Not for everyone. Love needs to create a healthy, non-toxic environment.
I think I need to tell you one or two episodes for you to understand what I mean. Explaining is not enough.
Ravi lived in another city and came to visit me on weekends. On one of these occasions, I had, for whatever reason, gotten quite horny during the week. I decided that this time would be special.
With the little money I had I bought some provocative panties and put them on. I made sure that the sorority girls would not be home, and got ready. I left a pack of condoms already prepared on the bedside table, made up the bed, closed the curtains, applied some fresh perfume and put on a bit of makeup.
As soon as he rang the intercom, I opened the gate, said nothing and ran to the bed, where I got on all fours. I was, of course, already soaking wet just preparing for this whole scenario. I took one last look in the mirror and decided to lift my ass a bit more. It was great. It was perfect.
"Come in!" I shouted when I heard that he was at the door of the apartment.
Moisture dripped between my legs, my nipples were hard, my mouth was watering.
He came into the room and made a huge surprised expression. I made my naughtiest face at him and invited him to come and take me.
I wished that he had already come and pulled my panties aside and fucked me once and for all. I didn't want any talk or foreplay. I wanted him to fuck me like an animal in heat. But he laid down on top of me and we kissed. My mouth sought his to quench my thirst, my hips almost thrust into his. I couldn't contain my excitement, but he seemed to want something lighter.
"Okay," I thought. "Softer than I wanted, but okay. I'll heat this up now," and I tried to wrap my legs around him. Soon I brought his hands to my breasts.
It took me a while to realize that something was wrong. His cock didn't harden. He tried hard, but nothing changed.
I put my hand on his penis and tried to arouse him, but he soon asked me to stop
"Sorry, my love, I'm not in the mood."
"It's okay," I said, lying down on top of him. I was ashamed that my pussy was still twitching and my breathing was short.
Of course, no one has to have sex without wanting to. As a woman, I know that many of us end up doing it just to please our partner, and it's terrible. Sex needs desire. A lot of desire. If you don't feel like it, you don't do it.
I understood this situation as a one-time thing. Soon, we would have sex again and go back to normal. Everyone has a day or a period when they are less horny.
But this was not what happened.
On the following weekends we alternated a few sessions of sex, more or less hot, with several negative ones from him. He said he wasn't in the mood, that he didn't feel like it, and I was left in the lurch.
A few weekends later, I went to visit Ravi in his town. As usual, I had a repressed lust. A month without kissing, without sex, had left me like this. I was naughty.
We took an Uber to go for a beer. I gave him those kisses with something extra, you know? Those kisses that make a second intention clear? Where the tongue makes soft, provocative movements? Kisses in which the breath reveals a strong, hidden lust? Well, then.
Only it didn't seem enough. I needed to be more explicit. I looked down at his pants and thought of his cock there, beside me. My mouth salivated. I thought about sucking it right there, in the back seat of the Uber, but I didn't have the courage. I don't know what could happen.
So I just put my hand lightly on his pants and whispered in Ravi's ear:
"I want to blow you now, here... I want your cock in my mouth now..."
He looked at me startled.
"What? What do you mean? No!"
The driver heard and didn't understand anything. I noticed that he looked curiously in the rearview mirror.
I was shocked and embarrassed once again. I felt dirty. I tried to disguise it, but it didn't do much good. The rest of the night I just sulked. In the previous days I had tried to warm things up by text messages, but I couldn't. I even sent him some nudes. I thought that I had succeeded in exciting him, but I was wrong. Now I had overcome my shame to say something naughty, to create an atmosphere, and I had been rejected again. I didn't really want to suck him off in the Uber. I just wanted to say it to create a mood. I wanted him to imagine me sucking him off while we could be seen by the driver or the people on the buses next to him. I wanted him to picture spurting cum into my mouth and me swallowing it all, then getting up and wiping myself discreetly before going into the bar and greeting our friends with kisses on the cheeks. That he would think about what it would be like to notice a drop of cum still on my face at the bar and remember the naughtiness we had done. In short, I wanted him to go crazy and when we got to his house, he would take me uncontrollably.
Not like that. Just one more rejection. I had lost count of how many times it had been. How many times I had created the expectation of sex and was not corresponded.
Yes, the truth was that these rejections were becoming more and more common. We did have sex from time to time, but often, most of the time, I think, Ravi didn't feel like it. He would politely tell me that he was not in the mood. Maybe it was something in college or, I don't know, something I didn't understand, but many times we just couldn't have sex.
Of course, I didn't want to pressure him. We have sex when we feel like it. I tried to respect his space as much as possible. Nevertheless, inevitably, I felt rejected. More than that: ugly, unattractive, unsexy. I spent hours wondering what was wrong with me, why he didn't want me, what I lacked.
As always, after a while, we said goodbye and I felt a certain bitterness in my mouth. I think you will agree with me: sex is important for a relationship. The degree of importance depends on each person, each situation, but it is important. I mean... I was young... in college... and my boyfriend couldn't put out my fire... it was too hard...
I decided to talk frankly with him. I believe that open dialogue is key to making relationships work. One Sunday afternoon, I called Ravi into my room. We were alone in the house, as the rest of the girls had either gone to visit their families or were doing something on the street. So I took a deep breath and introduced the subject.
"Ravi, I wanted to talk to you about something. I need to know if you're okay."
"Oh, hi Carol, yes I am, why?"
"About yesterday... I don't know what's going on with you. If it's all right between us or if you're getting more distant".
"No! I love you! Very much!"
