To Love Again

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep.

Oh god that has to be the most horrible sound ever, the alarm clock, the only thing worse than that is a hangover and the alarm clock! I attempt to sit up but the room spins round so fast I have no choice but to lay back down. Through the thick fog that is my head I try and piece together the events of last night and how I got so drunk, when I hear another beep. Trying to stay as still as possible I fumble around my bedside table for my mobile phone which tells me I have 5 new text messages, I go to my inbox.

Message 1: Message delivered to Tom mobile.

"Oh god, tell me I didn't txt Tom last night."

Message 2: Message delivered to Tom mobile.

(Cold Sweat)

"Bugger, bugger, bugger."

Message 3: Well you get the picture and so the events of last night unfold in my delicate state of mind. Do you ever do that, have a few drinks, get a bit drunk and then proceed to bombard your ex with text messages? It seems like a good idea at the time until you wake up the next morning with your head banging like a drum, your mouth as dry as a sandpit and your mobile phone beeping away merrily reminding you what a tit you have made of yourself, Great!

I ease myself out of bed fighting back the urge to be sick and manage to safely stumble into my bathroom; I look in the mirror, big mistake! I look terrible, my long brown hair is tangled and messy, and my brown eyes look dull and lifeless. My usual glowing complexion is pale and tired with two nice bags under my eyes. And so begins my morning ritual of talking to myself in the mirror.

"Stephanie you have to get a grip girl, so Tom left you, so what, you have to get over it, pick yourself up, move on, you've got your whole life ahead of you, I know you loved him but it's over now and…"

And then come the tears, the pathetic heaving sobs of a woman who's had her heart broken by the man she loves and then I throw up.

So that's me, Stephanie Shaw, 24, single and an alcoholic by the looks of my living room this morning! I set about cleaning away the cause of my hangover one wine bottle at a time and swear to myself I will never drink again. After I shower, change and drink my bodyweight in coffee I start to feel a little better, I think about going through my outbox on my phone to read the messages I had sent Tom and then decide against it, I think I'd rather not know, ignorance is bliss and all. Then the phone rings, I let the machine pick up.

Hi you've reached Stephanie Shaw, I'm sorry I can't take your call right now but if you would like to leave a message I'll call you back …BEEP.

"Steph it's me Mike, I know you're there pick up the phone."

"Oh Mike thank god it's you."

"Yes it's me, best friend to the rescue, how's your head?"

"Banging, how did you know I was hungover?"

"You called me last night, you were in a right state, don't you remember?"

"Not really, sorry Mike I should put a label on my phone DO NOT USE WHEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL!"

"Don't be stupid babe; you know you can call me whenever you need to. Now slap some make-up on I'll be there to pick you up in 10 minutes."

"What? No Mike I can't go out today I feel too rough I think I'm just going to go back to bed."

"Rubbish, you're not hanging around your flat all day feeling sorry for yourself, now pull yourself together, I'm on my way."

"Fine."

Mike is great, he's my best friend in the whole world and if it wasn't for him I don't think I would get out of bed at all. I think a day out with him is just what I need, he's 25, gay and also single, also he never fails to make me smile, even if I don't want to.

"So you sent him a couple of texts when you were drunk, don't worry about it, we all do stupid things when we're upset, just forget about it Steph, forget about him, the guy was a loser anyway, you deserve better.

Bless him, sitting at an outside table of our favorite coffee shop in the sunshine Mike tries to make me feel better, don't you just love it when your best friends do that?

"Mike, I love ya and I know you're right, but I love him, I know I've got to move on and blah, blah, blah, it's just hard to forget everything we had, all the memories."

"I know Hun and I know what you need."

"What?"

"You need a new man in your life."

"That's the last thing I need."

"Now sweetie the best way to get over one man is to get under another."

I can't help but laugh at that, I even think he may be right, god knows I haven't had sex in weeks but deep down I know a one night stand isn't going to make me feel any better, I can satisfy myself for the time being, a new man just isn't on the cards right now.

"Thanks for the coffee babe and getting me out of the house, you were right, I do feel better."

"You're welcome, anytime; you know I'm always here."

"I know, thank you Hun."

"You sure you don't want me to run you home?"

"Nah, the walk will do me good, I'll call you later."

Walking home I stop by my local off license for a bottle (or 2) of wine telling myself I will just have a glass (or 2) tonight to help me sleep. As I'm nearing my building my mobile beeps, I look at the screen that tells me I have 1 new message, it's from Tom. I stare at the screen debating whether or not to read the damn thing when I trip over the pavement and fall flat on my face. How embarrassing, I check my carrier bag thanking god my wine bottles are still intact and hoping no one has seen me when I spot a scruffy looking man walking towards me, oh great the good Samaritan, don't you just wish people would let you hold on to your last bit of dignity and get up yourself? But oh know.

"Hey are you alright? That looked nasty, here let me help you."

"No thanks I'm fine."

"Come on, it's no trouble, I'm Paul by the way."

"Well thanks Paul but I said I'm fine."

"Ok sorry, I was just trying to help, I've just moved into your building, your Steph right, I've seen you around and…"

"Wow can you talk, listen Paul I don't want your help I didn't ask for it and I don't care where you live I just want to go back to my flat, so just leave me alone alright."

Ok so I feel a little guilty about talking to him like that but I'm just not in the mood to be pleasant right now and I've had enough of people trying to "help" me. Now what's the time? 5:00 in the afternoon, that doesn't seem too early for a glass of wine. I run a nice hot bath, put some music on and just relax for a while, the warm scented water, the soothing music and of course the wine begin to do there job and I feel more relaxed than I have in ages as my eyes begin to close.

Then I'm not alone anymore, I'm with a man and I feel loved and excited.I feel rough wet hands caressing my skin and massaging my shoulders, I slump back against his body, and it's firm and strong as he holds me against him. His wet kisses down my neck makes my body tingle and I moan softly as I feel his erection pressing into my back. His hands slide smoothly down over my breasts, my stomach and rest on my thighs. I spread my legs for him, wanting him to touch me, his fingers are getting closer and closer to my pussy and I breath his name, "Tom, oh please Tom" but then he stops, I turn myself around in the water to look at him, but it's not Tom, it's Paul and he kisses me.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

I wake up startled in the now nearly cold water and reach for my now warm wine and take a long sip.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

Oh for gods sake who the bloody hell is that? I wrap a towel around myself and open the door.

"Hello again."

"Paul, what do you want?"

"Now that's not very neighborly of you Steph, I've come for an apology and to invite you round for dinner, looks like I picked a good time too, that look really suits you."

"What? Look Paul I don't know who you think you are but if you think you can just come round here and…"

"Steph just shut up for a second would you, you were really rude to me earlier when I tried to help you, at first I just thought you were a bitch and then I started thinking you were probably just sexually attracted to me and what with us living in the same building I didn't want there to be any sexual tension in the air so I thought I'd come round and sort out our little problem."

"Wow, you really are a smug arsehole aren't you?"

"So is that a yes?"

"What do you think?"

"Look, ok maybe I came on a bit strong I thought my ruggish charm would crack you ice cold exterior, I'm new to the building and didn't want us getting off on the wrong foot, all I'm suggesting is a friendly get to know your new neighbor meal, so how about it?"

"Ok fine, but it's just a meal, this isn't going to get you laid you know."

"The thought never crossed my mind, my place, tomorrow night say 7:00?"

"I'll be there."

"Excellent, I'm in flat 5 you can bring the wine."

Oh great I can't believe I just agreed to that, what the hell was I thinking? Then the dream starts to come back to me, I was dreaming about Paul, worse than that I was dreaming of having sex with Paul! Ok so in the dream we weren't actually having sex but lets face it, it was definitely heading that way and then another thought struck me, the reason I met Paul in the first place, the text from Tom. I pick up my mobile and go straight to my inbox, find Toms message and click on open before I can change my mind, it reads.

Steph, I'm sorry, it's not that I don't Love you; I'm just not in love with You anymore, you have to move on, Tom x

I have to move on? Yeah no shit Sherlock! And don't you just hate those words, it's not that I don't love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore, which we all know means "I'm shagging somebody else!" And the bastard even had the nerve to put a kiss at the end, well kiss my arse Tom. I delete the message.

I think about calling Mike and telling him everything but I'm not really in the mood, I can't stomach any food either so instead I take my wine to bed and turn on the TV hoping to find a good movie or something to take my mind off things. I settle for a bad D.I.Y program and slowly gulp my wine. I find my thoughts drifting to Paul and his ruggish good looks, ok so yeah he is extremely attractive if you like that rough manly look (I do) but that's all the more reason to stay away from him, but then again it's just a friendly dinner nothing more, oh god I'm thinking too much.

I didn't sleep very well, I kept having dreams of having sex with Tom and then just as I was about to cum and call out his name he turned into Paul who made me cum harder and scream out his name, it's all very confusing, I'm putting it down to my weird subconscious and a increasing case of sexual frustration. Which brings me to my next problem, what the heck am I going to wear tonight? I call Mike and fill him in, first on the text message from Tom.

"Oh what a complete wanker, you're well shot of him."

"Yeah thanks babe I know but that's not really why I'm calling."

I fill him in on the Paul situation and he's so excited he drives straight round and starts pulling clothing from my wardrobe and holding them up against me.

"Mike this isn't a date you know, it's just a meal, I don't even know the guy and you can put that mini skirt back I'm not going out on the pull."

"There's nothing wrong with looking your best, so tell me is he good looking?"

(Heck yes!)

"He's ok I guess."

"Then go for it, a girl has her needs."

"Yeah thanks babe, I know all about my needs and right now I just need a suitable outfit for a meal with a guy, who I don't really know and which isn't a date."

We settle on a smart pair of black trousers and black v neck top which reveals just a hint of cleavage. We spend the rest of the day slagging off Tom and talking about Paul, we get through a bottle of wine (Dutch courage) and I change into my outfit it's almost 7:00.

"Hun, you look stunning."

"You're too kind."

"Stop it, you know you're gorgeous, now forget about Tom and go and have your lovely non-date with Paul and call me tomorrow I want all the details."

Mike lets himself out and I prepare myself to knock on Paul's door, but first a mirror check, I do the usual women thing, does my arse look big in this? Am I wearing too much make-up? Am I making a complete mistake? And so on, but it's too late now, its 7:05 and I'm knocking on Paul's door with one hand and holding the wine in the other.

"Steph, come in, you look lovely, I half expected you not to turn up."

"Well I thought about it then realized you knew where I lived so here I am."

"I'm pleased you came, dinners almost ready would you like some wine?

(Oh yes please, just give me the bottle!)

"Err yeah, just a small glass."

He smiles at me and heads into the kitchen, the room is filled with delicious aromas and my first thought was wow a man who can cook, followed by wow what a gorgeous smile. His flat is rather neat and tidy but I think he had cleaned especially for my visit judging by the stacks of books and videos in the corner he's not particularly organized and tidy, plus there's a faint smell of furniture polish in the air, then I remember that he has just moved in and mentally kick myself for making snap judgments. I feel awkward uneasily loitering in his living room so I go into the kitchen where he hands me my glass of wine and again flashes me that sexy smile.

"Can I give you a hand with anything?"

He smiles again, a hint of mischief in his eyes but politely replies

"No, everything is under control, why don't you sit down."

He gestures towards the table which I have only just noticed is beautifully laid out, not romantically so or anything just tastefully, he's obviously gone to a lot of trouble without wanting to look like he had gone to a lot of trouble, or am I just reading into things here? Anyway I sit down and he dishes up a tasty meal of creamy chicken and vegetables.

We eat and drink and chat comfortably about the usual things, where are you from? What do you do for a living? Etc. He tells me he's always lived in London (same as me) and he used to share a flat with a friend who has just got engaged and wants to move his fiancée in so he moved here a few weeks ago. He's a photographer and artist (I like that), 26, never married and no children. I tell him I own by own little bookshop but leave out that I haven't opened it up hardly at all since Tom left.

It's all very relaxed and pleasant as we sit and drink our coffee, I feel at ease as the conversation still flows freely, I don't tell him about Tom, well not really I just say that I had recently came out of a serious relationship and he seems to sense I don't want to talk about it and doesn't press me for details, which I appreciate. After coffee we take some more wine and retreat to his very comfy leather sofa, and I have to say I am starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, not drunk or anything, just cozy and relaxed. I keep thinking it is really time for me to be going but every time I try to leave I end up staying.

"I've had a lovely night Steph, thank you for coming; it's nice to have a friend in the building."

"Your welcome and I am sorry for how I spoke to you yesterday, I was just having a really bad day and I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"Forget about it, and whoever he is he's an idiot Steph."

"Excuse me?"

"Your bad day, I'm guessing it was something to do with your ex you mentioned, the guy is stupid if he let you go."

He reached out and stroked my cheek, I wanted to cry but instead I got angry, stood up and made my way to leave.

"You don't know anything about me or my previous relationship, how dare you make assumptions about me."

"Steph, please don't leave, I didn't mean to upset you, I just think you're a wonderful person I've loved spending time with you tonight and I admit I'm attracted to you but please don't go I just want to get to know you better."

I turn to open the door but he stops me and stands so close he's pressed against me and I'm pressed against the door, neither of us speaks we just stare at each other, I know I should just leave but something in his eyes stops me and all my emotions rise to the surface, hurt, anger, pain, frustration, so I kiss him, slow at first but as he returns my kiss it becomes more urgent, almost aggressive.

His hands cup my face and press my lips harder against his, our tongues find each other and swirl and dance in our mouths as the kiss intensifies further. I reach my hands up under his shirt, his back is strong and firm and I feel safe, I feel wanted as I break our kiss to pull it off over his head, ruffling his hair. He immediately returns back to our kiss, it's hungry and desperate and I feel on fire from the heat we're generating, his hands move down to my legs and slips over my arse and under my thighs as he lifts me of the floor, I wrap my legs tightly around his waist and we're still kissing feverishly as he carries me off to his bedroom.

We fall on to his large double bed and his hands start tearing at my clothes, he whips of my top and kisses my neck, my chest, his hands fiddle with my bra as he fights to get access to my breasts. My bra falls on the bed and he takes my nipple in his mouth, his tongue is hot and wet as it circles and sucks and thrills me.

I'm shaking in pleasure as he moves to my other nipple, nibbling and kissing it as my hands fumble to undo his jeans. I use my feet to push them down, he's wearing no underwear and his erection springs free, long and stiff and my body aches to have it inside me.

He pulls down my trousers and throws them to the floor, he lifts me to a sitting position and I wrap my legs around him once more. The thin fabric of my thong is wet as we grind against each other; His hard cock rubbing against my clit makes me moan for more, his mouth returns to my breasts and I feel so alive and exhilarated. Then I feel his hand moving down to my crotch and I give a heavy sigh of anticipation as I feel him move my thong to one side and his fingers work their way inside of me.

I lift myself up, then back down, riding his hand as his fingers probe my wet pussy, I know I can't take much more as I feel them glorious sensations cursing through my body, I pick up speed, riding and grinding myself against his hand, his fingers going deeper and deeper inside, sliding in and out and then it hits me, my first orgasm in weeks takes hold of my body and I cry out as my pussy contracts around his fingers making me cum.

Paul kisses me through my powerful orgasm, licking my lips and kneading my breasts as my body recovers, this man is driving me crazy with lust and satisfaction, a man I barely know, a fact that doesn't seem to matter much at this time as I lay myself down on him and kiss his lips, his neck, his chest. His arms are so strong as he wraps them around me holding me tight.

I kiss him all over working down his stomach, stopping at his cock. I run my tongue up along his shaft and then kiss my way back down, he moans loudly as I continue to repeat the motion. I gently kiss around the head, licking his pre cum, tasting him for the first time, I lower my mouth down on to his cock and suck him tenderly, working him in inch by inch.

His cock is wet from my saliva allowing my mouth to glide down with ease, sucking him up and down, I effortlessly take him into my throat so I have his whole cock completely in my mouth and slowly slither it in and out, not wanting him to cum just yet. He's groaning vociferously needing that relief but not wanting it to cum yet either as he lifts me up from his cock and rolls me over on the bed.

I can feel his hard cock between my legs and desperately want to feel it inside me, my pussy is hot and wet and ready for him to fuck me. He looks me in the eye for a brief second and I can see that he's silently asking me if it's ok, I answer by grabbing his cock and positioning it at my entrance, he smiles at me and thrusts forward, his cock filling me.