Chapter 7: Happy New Year
"What are you and Jilly planning for New Years Eve, Tommy?" I asked.
"Oh, we've got a party at the college. We'll be staying with a classmate of hers, so we won't have to drive home. Should be fun. What about you?"
"No plans. Thought I'd stay in and watch some TV. Things have been kind of hectic for me in the last month."
I'd arrived home from Charlotte Wednesday evening, too late for hockey. I still hadn't made it to a single game yet. On the other hand, I had the rest of the week to myself. Business would begin again on Monday. I was enjoying the freedom I felt being in charge of my own affairs. I was now looking positively at my future. Like most of my former colleagues, I wondered why I hadn't done this sooner.
Tommy had left to pick up Jilly for their dinner-dance party and I was alone in the apartment when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Stan, it's me, Sylvia." Her voice was soft and tentative. She was the last person I expected to hear from on New Years Eve.
"Hi, Sylvia. How are you?"
"I'm okay, I guess. About as good as could be expected."
That sounded a bit fatalistic, but I wasn't sure where this conversation was supposed to go.
"Uhhm ... Happy New Year," I stumbled.
"I hope so, Stan. I can't wait for this one to end. That's why I called, actually." She paused and I waited for what was coming next.
"I feel I owe you an explanation for my actions ... my attitude. I know it isn't going to change anything, and I know we aren't going to be together, but ... I just felt I'd like to get it off my chest and start the New Year right."
"Uhhm ... well, I guess I can understand that. But I don't think the telephone is the best way to do that," I said, hoping this wasn't leading where I thought it might go.
"I know, Stan. I would like to see you ... face to face ... one more time. I didn't do a very good job of explaining myself the last time. I guess I was too shocked by the change in you. I should have been more composed than I was, but when you told me about Tommy, and that you knew about Peter, I didn't know what to say. You were pretty angry with me that evening."
"I'm sure you can understand why," I said, attempting to keep any emotion from my voice.
"Yes ... I do understand. That's why I wanted to talk to you one more time ... before ... before it's over."
"Alright, I guess I can do that," I said reluctantly. I couldn't think of any benefit other than to learn just what I had done to bring on her behavior over the last three years. Perhaps that would close the book on our life together once and for all. "When do you want to meet?"
"I'll make myself available anytime. I want to do this for me as well as for you. The sooner the better, I think."
"Well, I know it's New Year's Eve, but if you want to come over this evening, or I can come to the house ... unless you have plans," I said quickly as an afterthought.
"No ... no ... no plans. Tonight is fine. I'll come to your apartment, if that's okay?"
"Sure ... anytime after eight."
She thanked me and we hung up. I wondered what I was going to encounter and also wondered if I could hold my temper better than the last time we met. Perhaps the three weeks between had allowed me to cool off and accept what had happened. I would find out tonight. Strange way to spend a New Year's Eve, I thought.
Sylvia arrived just after eight. As she walked into the apartment, I was reminded of how pretty she looked. I hadn't seen her for three weeks and she obviously took care with her appearance this evening.
"Hi," I said simply as I took her coat. "Have a seat. Can I get you something? A New Years Eve drink?"
"Just a glass of wine, please Stan."
I poured us each a glass and returned to the living room. She took a tentative sip, sighed, and leaned back on the sofa. I waited to let her begin. It was her decision to talk, and I wanted to hear it.
"I want to apologize first, Stan. I know I've been hard ... no ... make that impossible to live with in the past while. I want you to know that it was nothing that you did to make me that way."
She paused, and I leaned back in my chair, awaiting whatever came next.
"You know that I was excited when I got my first promotion at Empire Life. It was the first time that I thought that it wasn't just a job and that I might have a career and be successful. I suddenly realized I wanted to be successful. I wanted to move up in the organization. I wanted to be 'somebody.' That started my changing the way I looked at my life, my marriage, and my future.
"When I found I was now reporting to Peter Ambleton, I was happy. He was a dynamic person in our office, and apparently going places in the company. I decided I wanted to follow in his footsteps. He made several comments about my potential, and the opportunities for me along the way. I ate them up. He was telling me exactly what I wanted to hear. I knew about his reputation, even then. He was a womanizer, someone who used women, discarded them when he was finished with them, and moved on. I didn't have any illusions about what he wanted, I just thought I could use him just the way he wanted to use me."
I could see the direction this conversation was heading. In a way, it was fascinating. The timing began to make sense in terms of the change in her behavior.
"In the meantime, I was starting to think of myself as more significant than you. I was a management person in a big company, and you were a traveling mechanic. I began to think I was passing you in importance, earning just as much as you were even though I'd only been working for a couple of years. I know that was unfair, but I was thinking that you would never be anything more than what you were, while I might end up being an executive. I guess I started to look for faults in you that explained why you accepted that role."
I had an impulse to say something, but I didn't. She was right. I had accepted my role. I hadn't fought for or sought anything more. I had gone along with whatever my boss had chosen to give me without saying or doing anything to protest.
"When the cutbacks and austerity program came along at F & C, I was frustrated that you didn't fight it, or find something else. But ... I knew I was afraid what might happen if you quit. You were supporting both of us. I wasn't contributing anything to the household. I was keeping it all to myself. I thought I had earned it, and I wanted it to prove I was a 'somebody'.
"When I learned that Peter was in line for the branch manager's position, I went to him and asked him what I had to do to earn his former position as claims manager. He made it pretty plain that he wanted me to succeed, but I would need to spend some time with him to learn and earn the job. I'm not a complete fool, Stan. I could guess what he wanted. I'm ashamed to say that after thinking it over for a while, I knew I would do whatever was necessary to get that job."
There it was; the confession. Now I knew what had derailed our marriage. Ambition! I had never realized that Sylvia had such a burning desire to succeed. It wasn't something she talked about or expressed to me. She kept it to herself. But there were still some unanswered questions.
"I don't mean to interrupt, Sylvia, but what caused you to be so ... unhappy and negative around Tommy and me? What did we do to provoke that?"
"Nothing, Stan. Nothing at all. It was all in my head. When you started traveling so much more and Tommy was away at college, I was coming home to an empty house more often than not. I was frustrated and angry with myself. I had what I wanted, and yet, it wasn't enough. I bought that car because I wanted to show everyone that I was 'somebody'. I had a big job and could drive a nice car.
"When I came home to you and Tommy, you were part of my past. The part when I was just a housewife; no one special. Neither of you treated me any differently when I went to work. I know it doesn't make sense, but I resented you and Tommy. You were holding me back, keeping me from the recognition I deserved. I was just a wife and a mother to you both."
I was having trouble digesting this all. She was telling me that she thought I had been keeping her from her ambitions, and that I didn't measure up to her new standards. I guess that explained the contempt that she regularly displayed.
"I know I tried to talk to you about your attitude toward us, Sylvia, but I could never get you to open up and tell me," I said, shaking my head.
"Yes ... yes you did. I couldn't tell you the truth, could I? I was selfish; thinking only about myself. I know you were unhappy and I was being a bitch. I almost wanted you to explode and put an end to it ... but you never did. You just accepted me and turned away from me. That was just another frustration. I couldn't provoke you, even when I tried."
I nodded my agreement. She was right. I had just accepted her refusal to discuss her miserable behavior. I didn't fight back and I didn't force her to give me a proper explanation.
"I can maybe understand why you treated me that way ... but ... why Tommy? What did he do to cause you to behave the way you did?"
"Nothing. Tommy was an innocent bystander. He was in the same house at the same time. I just didn't separate the two of you. I thought he was more like you in personality, and I suppose I lumped the two of you together."
"All this is very interesting, Sylvia, but I guess I wanted to know why you gave up on me ... on us? Why did you have an affair with Peter Ambleton?"
"I'm ashamed to say that I used Peter as much as he used me. The first time I had ... sex ... with him, it was after he told me I would be promoted to claims manager. In my twisted mind, I thought I owed him. I knew what kind of a man he was, but ... I thought I owed him. After that, I found I was excited by the act. I was doing something I never thought I would do. I was cheating, but I was doing it to get ahead at Empire. At least, that's what I told myself."
I wondered why I didn't feel anger at this point. She had just admitted that she had betrayed me and had done it deliberately. She was hanging her head with her confession, but there were no tears.
"I guess it doesn't really matter, but ... how often did you see him?"
"After the first time, we got together once a month, when you were on the road. Then, I quit seeing him for a while. I didn't like what I had become and I was taking it out on you and Tommy and some of the people in the office. I went for about a year without letting Peter have me, but I guess he wore me down. You seemed to be away almost every week, and I was lonely and we weren't close any more. This time, I let him seduce me. It didn't have anything to do with Empire or my job. It was just about my selfishness and what I wanted."
