Their Forbidden Love

I woke up in the morning dreading the next day. Not only did I not have my homework done, I just knew I would run into Jonathan. He called me all night and all night I ignored his calls. There wasn't anything he could say that would make what he did any better. I looked at the door when it opened.

"Good morning," whispered my mother, still wearing her robe.

I slowly slid to the edge of my bed. "Good morning," I said feeling the complete opposite. It wasn't a good morning. It wasn't a good weekend. It wasn't a good month. It wasn't a good year. After what happened last night I hated everything.

"Do you want any breakfast?"

"I really don't feel like eating."

"Are you ready to tell me what happened last night?"

I shook my head and went to my dresser. "No, not really," I whispered, looking through my drawer for a bra and pair of panties. Normally I would have looked for something fancy for Jonathan. You know, in case we had some alone time. But that wasn't an option. I sighed and grabbed the first pair of both I saw and slammed the drawer shut. "You can make me some toast and coffee."

"Coffee?"

"Yes, coffee," I answered, crossing my arms, reminding her that I wasn't a child.

"Excuse me," she grinned, putting her hands up as she backed out of my room. "Are you going out with Jonathan today?"

The question had made my heartache return. "No," I whispered, trying hard to hold back the tears.

"Well, that's a first. You two are so cute together."

I could hear the joy in her voice. I couldn't stop hearing the truth in my head. "Well, we're not together anymore!" I screamed out as if it were her fault.

"Carmen!" she shouted, bringing me back down a notch. "What happened?"

I sat on the bed, holding my bra and panties. "I really don't want to talk about it, Mom." I closed my eyes, but I could feel her sit next to me. I let out a deep sigh and leaned against her. Nothing was said, nothing had to be. She just held me and I let her. As she stroked my head it felt like I was little again. I felt at peace and I didn't want it to stop. "I loved him, Mom," I whispered, causing her to hold me tighter.

"I know, baby. What happened?"

I sat back up while she rubbed my back. "It was all bullshit and I don't know what I'm going to do. He just used me."

"He used you for the sex?!" I could hear the hate in her voice. "That little punk!"

"No, Mom, it wasn't that. It was to get back at some guy I dated before him."

"No, I don't believe that. I saw the way he was with you."

I stood up feeling the same doubt, but it was true. "That's what he said. I was just a way to hurt him."

"That jerk!" she hissed. "I should go down there and give him a piece of my mind."

I turned to her and shook my head. "I just want to forget about it. I just want to move on."

She stood and pulled me into her arms again. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered into my hair. I knew they were just words, but they helped coming from her.

"I love you, Mom," I cried, hugging her tight.

"I love you, too." She gently pushed me back and wiped the tears under my eyes. "I wish I could stay here and comfort you, but I have a meeting with my agent," she pouted.

I faked a smile and nodded my head. "It's okay."

"Screw Allen, you're more important. I'll cancel and we'll have a mother daughter day."

"Thanks, Mom, but I'll be fine. I have homework to do anyway."

"Are you sure?"

I smiled and nodded in response. "Don't worry about me."

She kissed the top of my head and smiled again. "I'll get your coffee and toast started."

"Okay, thanks, Mom." She smiled at me before heading out of my room.

I couldn't let Jonathan win. I couldn't let him know he hurt me, but I didn't know how I was going to just forget about the feelings I had for him. I looked at the pictures of us on my pinup board and ripped them off, tearing each one into tiny pieces. I looked at the torn pieces of my happiness before throwing them away.

"The coffee is brewing. I'm going to get ready."

"Okay, thanks." The way she looked at me, the 'I feel so sorry for you' look, made me want to cry again. "Please don't look at me like that, Mom,"

"I'm sorry, honey." She pouted her bottom lip.

"Please stop it. I'll be fine." I said the words, they echoed in my head, but I still had a hard time believing them. I wanted to forget about Jonathan. I wanted more than anything to be okay, but all I could think about was him. All I could feel was his arms around me, his lips against my skin. It was too much too soon and I didn't know how I was going to adjust being without him. I looked through my drawer for some clothes. Just five months. How is it that after only five months could I be so lost, I wondered, searching the drawer. "How long are you going to be gone for?" I asked my mother, fighting the urge to call him.

"Um, you know Allen. I'm sure it will end with dinner."

I stopped shifting my clothes around, wondering how I was going to survive that long alone with my thoughts. "Well, if you finish early we can do something. You know, now that I don't have a boyfriend, I'm free." I tried to make light of the situation to hide my pain, but I was crying inside so hard I feared it would come out, spray like a broken sprinkler.

She smiled hard, leaning against the frame of the door. "I would really love that." She left for her bedroom while I changed my clothes.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, pulling the skin under my eyes. "Ugh," I groaned, looking at the white of my eyes still red. I cried all night over Jonathan and yet I couldn't help but to wonder if he was thinking about me. "He's not thinking about you, Carmen," I scolded, yelling at my reflection. "He doesn't give a shit about you." I grabbed my tooth brush and tooth paste. "Stupid, stupid girl." I brushed my teeth angrily, taking all my frustrations out on my tooth brush and teeth, as if it were their fault Jonathan was a lying asshole. Ethan warned me. He warned me that Jonathan was full of shit, but I didn't believe him. I just brushed it off, thinking he was just upset because I dumped him. When I finished I just stared at my reflection again wondering what I could have done differently. "Forget it," I groaned, shutting off the bathroom light before going to the kitchen.

The smell of coffee brewing sent my senses into overload. "Oh my friend," I said, walking to the coffee machine. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to sit down with my coffee drinking from my favorite mug and read my comic strips.

"How do I look?" asked my mom, standing in the kitchen in a white dress and red shoes.

I sat down at the table with my mug and the newspaper. "Um, you look amazing. You're meeting Allen dressed like that?"

"What's wrong with it?" She looked down at the dress and smoothed out the sides with her hands, following the curve of her hips.

"Nothing is wrong with it. But you look like you're going on a date, not meeting your agent."

"Does it? Huh? Well, it's too late to change now."

"Mom, are you trying to hook up with Allen?"

She smiled, her cheeks turning red. "Not Allen. It's his new publicist, Juan. He's so nice and handsome."

"Mom, why didn't you tell me?" She walked over to the coffee machine, trying hard not to look at me. "Sit, details." I kicked the chair out and she sat down, smiling from ear to ear.

"No, it's not the right time."

"No, I want to hear." If I couldn't have my happily ever after with Jonathan I at least wanted my mom to have hers. "So, he's cute?" I grinned, feeling more and more excited for her.

"He is so nice. He just started and we've been working a lot together with the book signings and everything." She smiled, stirring sugar in the coffee. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I faked a smile and nodded my head. "Of course, tell me more."

"He is from Spain originally."

"Ooh, Spain?" My mother was blushing. She was happy for the first time in a long time. "So, when are you going to ask him out?"

She pushed the chair back, getting up to toast some bread. "No, I could never ask him out."

"Why not? Is he married or something?"

"No, his wife passed away before he came here. I think he mentioned she had cancer." She popped the bread in the toaster. "So, sad," she whispered. But I could tell by the change in her voice that she wasn't talking about her love interest. I could tell by the way she stared at the chrome toaster that she was thinking about dad.

"I'm sorry, Mom," I whispered, lowering my mug.

"What are you sorry about?" She pushed the lever to toast the bread and brushed her short brown hair back with her fingers.

I let out a hard sigh and looked at her. "I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for lying when sneaking out to see Jonathan. I'm sorry for thinking you wanted to control me and treat me like a kid." I held my mug when I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. "And I'm sorry about daddy."

I could see her eyes fill with tears when she turned to look at me. "I know you blame yourself for the accident. I'm sorry I didn't provide more comfort to you. I just...," she paused as she allowed herself to cry, "miss him so much," she sobbed.

"I do too. I try to remember him, remember anything other than how he looked at the funeral. But I can't."

"Oh, honey," she cried, walking around the table to me. We wrapped our arms around each other tight and held each other while crying hard.

"Ask him out." She stepped back and looked at me. "You deserve to be happy, Mom. It's been long enough," I added, taking her hand in mine. She nodded her head and wiped the tears under my eyes before wiping away her own.

"You do too, baby girl," she whispered, brushing my curls in between her fingers. "I know it hurts now, but you'll find someone else, someone better." I looked at the table, still feeling her fingers through my hair, remembering Darrel said the same thing last night. "He'll realize what he let go and he'll be the one sitting with regret, not you."

I knew she was trying to help. I knew Darrel was trying to help and I had to forget about Jonathan no matter what it took. "I know, thanks."

She stroked my hair and smiled. "I have to leave. I have something to do before meeting Allen. Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

"I'll be fine. I've got Garfield to keep me company." I smiled at the open newspaper and up at her.

"Okay, call me if anything." She kissed the top of my head and grabbed her bread from the toaster. "Here," she grinned, handing me the lightly browned pieces before heading out the front door.

* * * *

After trying almost two hours to get anything more than three sentences on my notepad I thought a drive would help calm my nerves. I drove with the top down as the wind blew in my hair. It was the best I felt all weekend, letting the sun beat down on me and the wind hit my face. This is what I need, I thought, feeling grateful for some kind of release, some escape from my own horrid existence. I didn't know where I was going; I just knew I wanted to get as far away as possible. Sitting behind the wheel felt strange to me since Jonathan did most of the driving. It felt strange but freeing in a way to finally be behind the wheel of my own car again.

When stopping at a red light I closed my eyes and took in a long breath, taking in the warm air. I looked over my shoulder when hearing the blaring car horns behind me. Nothing is going to get me down, not anymore, I thought as I stepped on the gas pedal and continued my peaceful retreat.

"What the fuck?!" I cursed, hearing a loud pop and the car began to shake violently as I pulled off to the side. I stepped out and walked around the car to see my front and rear tire were completely flat. "No fucking way," I shouted, getting the attention of people sitting outside a small café. I looked over my shoulder feeling embarrassed and angry. "I can't believe this," I said aloud, talking to myself as I squatted down to assist the damage.

"Do you need any help?" asked a woman behind me.

I turned to look at her sitting down with another woman. "I just need to get to a tire shop. God, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for this," I said, being reminded that I had my emergency credit card privileges taken away when using it to buy a new outfit. "Damn it," I groaned, realizing where I was. Out of all places to get a flat tire it had to be blocks away from Jonathan's dad shop. "Great," I mouthed, knowing that he would be there on a Sunday afternoon.

"Do you want to call a tow truck?" asked the woman, looking at her cell phone before offering it.

I smiled kindly and shook my head. "Thanks, but I got it." I put the soft convertible top up and reached in the passenger seat for my purse and cell phone before making the dreadful walk to Mr. Atkins's shop. On the way I played out in my head what I would do when I saw Jonathan. "Ugh, out of all the fucking places to get a flat," I groaned, looking through my purse for a stick of gum to distract me from my racing thoughts. Just go in there tell them what happened and get out as quick as you can, I thought, nodding my head at how easy the plan was. I let out a deep sigh and wiped the small beads of sweat off my forehead before pulling the glass door open.

"Carmen," grinned Mr. Atkins, Jonathan's father, standing at the front counter.

I slowly pulled the door close behind me relieved that Jonathan wasn't the first person I saw. "Hi, Mr. Atkins," I whispered, lowering my head.

"Jonathan isn't here. He's at lunch," he said as I approached the counter.

Oh thank, God, I thought, setting my cell phone on the counter top. Obviously Jonathan failed to mention to his father that he broke my heart, ripped it in two. "I didn't come here to see Jonathan."

"Oh? What can I help you with?"

I looked up making eye contact with the man that was an older version of Jonathan and Darrel. His eyes were light and his hair was starting to grey a little in the front. If I were to guess I would say he was in his late sixties. But as Darrel reminded me, I wasn't a good guesser at people's age. "My car...," I whispered, "has two flat tires," I continued, brushing my hair back.

"Oh, that's a shame. Where is it?" he asked, looking behind me at the parking lot.

"Three blocks down," I answered, nervously tapping my fingertips against the counter.

He looked at his computer and smiled. "That's a shame you had to walk all the way over here. We'll get that taken care of for you," he grinned. He was always really nice to me, making it obvious that Jonathan didn't take after him in that aspect. "Jonathan should be back soon, but in the meantime I'll get someone to tow your car.

"I would appreciate it if Jonathan didn't know I was here," I whispered, looking at the dark screen of my cell phone.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, putting his hands on the counter top.

I faked a smile and nodded my head. "Everything is perfect," I replied, shaking the back of my foot side to side. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he knew I was lying. "It is okay, Mr. Atkins, I just need to get back home."

"Okay, Carmen, I'll go myself to get your car. You can have a seat in the waiting area." He bent down behind the counter and set the television remote in front of me. "You can change the channel if you want. Shh, it's our little secret," he grinned.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Atkins. Oh, I don't have any money on me right now. Can my mom pay you for the tires later?"

He smiled and grabbed the keys off the hook on the wall behind him. "Don't worry about it, Carmen." He gently touched my hand before going out the service doors.

I smiled and slowly walked to the back area where the thirty inched flat screen television was mounted against the wall. I looked at the row of vending machines wishing I had some change for a snack. "Damn," I whispered after finding nothing but pennies in the bottom of my purse. I was so hungry even the bag of peanuts looked like a feast. "Oh well," I groaned when the back door opened, making my heart jump out of my chest.

"Carmen?" asked Darrel, slowly shutting the door, wearing a dark blue uniform with his name embroidered in red stitching.

"I didn't know you worked here too," I said, shocked and impressed.

He smiled and brushed his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, I help out once in a while. What are you doing here?" His questioned expression turned into a happy one.

"I got two flats."

"Okay, I thought you were looking for Jonathan."

I shook my head with certainty. "No. Jonathan is the last person I want to see, but I didn't have much of a choice."

"Well, it's a good thing you were in the area," he said, smiling. But knowing that Jonathan was bound to be back any second made me quickly think the opposite.

"Is it getting taken care of?" He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms, smiling harder than before. God, he was so cute. I couldn't believe that someone so cute and nice was brothers with my ex. God, my ex. That was the first time I called him that. "Are you okay?" he asked, pushing off the wall and slowly walked toward me as I sat down. "Jonathan?" he whispered, looking down at me.

"Yeah," I replied in a soft whisper.

"You're still upset about it?"

Still upset about it? It was only yesterday, not even a full twenty-four hours since having my heart broken, crushed, and ripped into pieces. "I'm trying, but it's not as easy as I thought it would be to get over. It seems like every breathing second it was me and Jonathan. And now...," I paused, letting out a deep breath, "now it's just me and he is just Jonathan."

He sat down in the chair next to me. "You know what you need?"

"What?" I asked, looking at him.

"I know what to do," he grinned, taking my hand and helped me up. "I'm going to take you to the carnival."

"The carnival?"

"Yeah, today is the last day. I think you could use something to take your mind off of him."

I stopped walking as we approached the front entrance. "But don't you have to work?"

"Don't worry about that." He looked at his uniform and looked back at the bathroom door in the lounge area. "Give me a sec," he said, walking towards the door.

I stood at the counter while he changed his clothes. "I'm sorry I haven't been able to get my homework done. I tried, but all I could think about was...," I paused not wanting to say his name, but I was definitely thinking it.

"Don't worry about that. You'll get it done," he called out sounding more confident than I was about it. I glanced in the direction of the bathroom seeing the door was left open enough to see him in the mirror. My heart pounded against my chest and my mouth watered when seeing his bare chest. I wished the mirror was longer so I could see everything before he pulled down a white shirt. I could see him bending forward, putting one leg then another into a pair of jeans. "Okay, I'm ready. Have you seen my dad?" he asked, folding the uniform as he walked toward me.

"He went to tow my car here."

"How did you get here?"

I looked down at my sandals and then up at him. "I walked," I answered, remembering just how hot the sun was on the way.

"Man, it sounds like you've had a hard day. You definitely need this," he grinned, sticking his uniform behind the counter. He opened the door to the service garage, poking his head inside. "Tell my dad I'll be back in a few hours." He closed the door and looked at me, smiling. "Ready?"

"Sure," I whispered, following behind him. We walked to the back of the garage where his car was parked. "I don't have any money," I whispered as he opened the car door for me.

"I'm treating you, you don't have to worry about money," he grinned as I sat inside. It felt weird being in his car twice in one week. Before last night I've never been in Darrel's car. I smiled when thinking about Tammy and how her head would spin if she saw me sitting in Mr. Atkins's car.