Chapter 11
"Candle in the Wind"
"GIRLFRIEND?" Carmen asked in a bit of a snippy tone. "YOU have a GIRLFRIEND? I thought you were on that whor . . . well into 'one-night-stands,' and not into 'tying yourself down'," she added and had to look away as she calmed down.
Intense, burning jealousy burned inside Carmen as she walked beside Benita, yet she kept this disturbing feeling bottled up inside of her. Carmen had not, as yet, told Benita that she was pregnant with their child. Carmen had resisted any of the advances that Benita had made towards Carmen. Carmen had also denied her own desires to start any sort of relationship with Benita.
"Yes, I have a girlfriend, and she makes me happy. I thought that as my best friend, you would be happy for me. You've been lecturing me on how I shouldn't sleep around so much and I should settle down. Well, I took your advice and found someone to settle down with. What do you want from me?" Benita replied defensively as the pair walked down the high school hall, towards their first class.
Logically Carmen should be relieved that Benita had found another, healthier and more permanent outlet for her affections. While as a friend, Carmen was happy for Benita to have found someone. As the pregnant mother of their child, however, Carmen wanted Benita to focus on her. Carmen almost opened up her mouth and told Benita right there, but resisted. The middle of the high school hallways didn't seem like the right place to inform someone that they were the "father" of your child.
"Well, I think it's all a bit sudden. I've never even heard of her," Carmen replied in a defensive tone. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" she added with a scowl on her face.
"Well, we've only just started dating! It's not like I'm going to marry her!" Benita scoffed defensively before she chuckled.
"And you told you parents about your . . . thing . . . And us? You didn't even ask if I was okay with it! What if your parents tell my mother? What then? What am I supposed to do then?" Carmen angrily spat as she scowled at Benita, her anger boiling to the surface.
"I was tired of the lies and the double life! I felt it was time to come clean with them. I didn't think how it would affect you, sorry," Benita replied in an apologetic yet defensive tone.
"That's your problem Ben, you don't think! You do things that you want to do and never sit down and think of how they will affect others . . . of how they will affect me! Then I'M left dealing with the mess YOU make! I have to get to class!" Carmen said as she stomped off, in an agitated mood.
"What the fuck is her problem?" Benita mumbled to herself as she watched Carmen walk away.
Carmen had a miserable day at school and avoided Benita for the rest of the day, not wanting to get into another argument. Someone noticed that Carmen was not her usual self and deeply troubled, and decided to intervene.
Irene, the school councillor was on her way to her office in the mid-afternoon. School had just let out for the day and she was walking back to her office to do some paperwork and perhaps get an early end to the day. Irene almost had a sixth sense for when students were troubled more than just the usual teenage troubles. As Carmen approached, Irene got a strong sense that Carmen needed to talk so she altered her direction and walked over to Carmen.
"Are you okay, Carmen?" Irene asked as she put her hand on Carmen's shoulder as she walked beside Carmen.
"Yeah, sure," Carmen replied in a fake-calm tone, complete with plastic smile.
"Well you seem distracted today, is there anything you want to talk about? I have some time," Irene asked in a prodding yet inviting manner.
"I . . . I don't think so," Carmen stammered in a confused muddle.
"Whatever you tell me is strictly confidential, come on," Irene said as she directed Carmen over to her office.
Carmen started to stammer and stutter to protest but realized that she needed someone to talk to. Carmen did tell Irene what was going on but didn't say that Benita had impregnated her but a guy named "Ben." It was a simpler and more palatable answer but still allowed Carmen to talk about the crux of the problem. What to do about the child and should she tell Benita right away? What to do about these jealous feelings about Benita's girlfriend.
"In the end, what you do is up to you. Remember that there are many options to you: adoption, abortion, keeping your child," Irene said in a knowing and calm manner.
"I know, but I've already decided to keep my baby," Carmen said as she raised her arms and crossed them across her belly.
"This 'Ben' should help and support you in raising this child, should you ultimately decide to keep it. After all he has a responsibility to you, but ultimately the choice is yours," Irene said in a knowing and confident manner.
"I know, I know . . . he will," Carmen said and had to catch herself from saying "she."
"As far as this Ben is concerned, you should tell him when you're ready. As far as pursuing any sort of relationship, that's up to you," Irene said with a calm and almost clinical manner.
"I know; I just don't know if I should. Perhaps we never got together for a reason," Carmen said, not wanting to say that she never dated Benita because she was a woman.
"True. But I do strongly suggest that you tell your mother what has happened, she will be your best source of strength and support through all of this," Irene said in a friendly, yet lecturing manner.
"Thanks, I will," Carmen said before she got up and left the office.
Carmen was a nervous wreck as she waited for her mother, Susan to come home. This was one of Susan's later nights so it wasn't until after eight that Susan came home a little tired. Carmen had kept herself busy with cleaning and tidying up of the apartment, so the place was spotless. When Susan entered and saw that the place was cleaner and tidier than it had been in a long time she knew something was up.
"What is it Sweetie?" Susan said as she approached Carmen.
Carmen turned looked her mother in the eyes and her guard came crashing down. Tears were the only answer Carmen could give and before the fourth tear fell, Susan had her baby girl in her arms and held her tight. That was when the dam broke and all of Carmen's pent-up emotions came flooding forth and she cried hard. Somehow Susan was able to guide Carmen over to the couch and sit the pair down so she could hold and comfort her daughter.
Once the crying stopped Carmen opened up and told her mother the same story she had told Irene, the school counsellor. She didn't mention her own conflicted feelings towards Benita or her emerging submissive side, both of which scared her and she was repressing. Carmen wanted to be completely open and honest with her mother but didn't think her mother would believe the truth.
"You can't keep this child," Susan said in a sad and sympathetic manner.
"I'm not aborting my child! This is my child and I will raise it!" Carmen replied in a hurt and defensive tone. "Are you sorry you had me?" Carmen added in a hurt tone.
"Honey, I love you dearly and I wouldn't change anything for the world, but raising a child on your own is hard," Susan said in a sympathetic manner.
"You did it, why can't I?" Carmen answered back.
"The last thing you need right now is to be burdened with a child. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you," Susan said in an urging manner.
"So does my baby," Carmen replied sternly.
"Yes, it does, but all I'm saying is let someone else raise it, someone who will be able to give it a better life than you can as a single mother," Susan said and her words resonated inside Carmen's mind.
As Carmen went to bed she was more confused than she was before, there were too many choices, too many options. The next day at school Carmen went through it on autopilot. She was happy that it was Friday and the week was almost done.
Kody was a slightly chunky guy who still cut an impressive figure; he just had a bit of extra weight on him. Like Carmen, however, that weight was well distributed around his body. His short brown hair was styled shorter on the sides and back but longer on the top, spiked up a bit almost to a flattop. He walked with a confident swagger and somehow his approach was missed by Carmen.
"Hey, Carmen, we still up for movies tonight?" Kody asked as he put his hand on Carmen's back.
"AH!" Carmen squealed and jumped in shock. "Sorry," Carmen added as she calmed down a bit.
"Didn't mean to scare you, just wanted to know if we were still on for movies tonight?" Kody asked as he pulled his hand off of Carmen and looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Movies? Right, yes, tonight . . . Absolutely, looking forward to it," Carmen said with a smile up into Kody's face.
"Okay, see you at seven then," Kody said as he leaned in and gave Carmen a peck on the lips before he swaggered off.
That night Carmen did enjoy her movie date with Kody. They had been out a few times and she enjoyed his company. Tonight, she needed a slice of "normalcy" and a respite from her "carrying Benita's child" troubles. Through the movie Kody had managed to get his arm around Carmen's shoulder, or rather she let him. Carmen even pretended not to notice when he slyly caressed the far side of her far breast.
After the movie was over they shared a cup of coffee at a trendy coffee shop on Whyte Avenue. The topic of the conversation was small talk and almost trivial compared with what Carmen was facing. The levity was a welcome reprieve and Carmen didn't want the evening to end, for once it did, her troubles would come crashing in again.
Carmen and Kody held hands as he walked Carmen back to her place. The evening was light and warm and the mood was friendly, yet the air was thick with sexual tension. As they rounded the last corner and Carmen could see her building not that far off she knew a choice was coming.
The decision she had to make was if she should let Kody get into her pants. Since pregnancy was not a problem, it made her decision a bit easier. Carmen wanted to know what sex with a guy was like and perhaps, just perhaps if she opened her legs to Kody he might stick around. Carmen was still afraid of raising her child on her own and hoped that perhaps she could get Kody to be the surrogate father for her baby.
