The Ungrateful Wife Ch 03

The Ungrateful Wife -- Chapter 3

The Toilet Paper Roll Test

I honestly blame Guen herself for kicking my curiosity into overdrive. At this point I still wasn't convinced Richard knew he'd given me a preview of what exactly he had to offer a girl the day before in his clingy wet boat shorts. I chalked it up to pure accident. And, even if Richard HAD done it intentionally and even if my husband wasn't acting all jealous and was curious to see us go at it with that great big dick of his, I knew that Guen, being a churchy kind of girl embarrassed by even a dirty joke in mixed company, would NEVER go for the idea of sharing her man with me for my husband's entertainment. It was simply a nonstarter despite how the idea of seeing Richard fully hard was starting to dominate my mind.

One of the strange oddities about my husband is that he is literally obsessed by dick size. He knows ridiculously odd trivia about male sexual anatomy such as the average size in girth and length ranked by nationality or ethnicity and the so-called toilet paper roll test for porno sized dick.

I still don't remember exactly how it came up. All of us were playing a card game at the dining room table when the subject of dick size came up. Jason didn't have to tell me the toilet paper roll test for me to know that Richard qualified for porno-sized dick. I'd seen enough male penis in my life both flaccid and hard, to know a big dick when I saw it. Richard had a big dick. No question about it.

Earlier that night, just before cards, Richard had offered up some weed around the campfire and both he and Guen smoked a bit of pot before coming inside for cards. None of the rest of us were really pot-smokers so we opted to pass. Later I would find out that pretty much the only time Richard could get Guen to loosen up enough to enjoy sex was when she was a little high. I guess Richard was in the mood to get a little tonight and had tried getting his wife nice and stoned.

I'll be the first to admit that "high" Guen is a lot more fun to be around. Hell, "high" Guen might even qualify as being my kind of people. No longer did she turn beat red when an adult joke or innuendo was passed over the game table. She laughed at dirty jokes and even made a couple herself, laughing a bit hysterically at her own funniness or the fact that she just didn't care anymore. She was pretty proud of herself actually and it was fun seeing her lighten up and have a good time.

Then the subject of dick size came up and in typical male fashion, Richard bragged about having a porno dick as most men do. MOST men are full of shit. Roger obviously was not. Guen, on the other hand scoffed at the idea of Roger having a porno dick and seemed to think her husband was exaggerating just a bit. I of course already knew he was not just based on the flaccid sneak peek from the other day.

"You of course know the toilet paper roll test for porn, right?" my husband asked Richard.

"Toilet paper roll test?"

"Yes," Jason explained. "You have to at least be as big around as a toilet paper roll tube to qualify for porn. If you can fit INSIDE the middle of the tube you're not thick enough to be in the business."

Suffice it to say, MY husband CAN fit inside the middle of a toilet paper roll. But what happened next shocked us all and took things to a whole 'nother level.

Immediately Guen jumped up from the card table and rushed out of the room. When she returned, she was holding an empty toilet paper roll in her hand and the entire room busted up laughing. Guen then made a huge production out of holding the toilet paper roll against her husband's crotch and pretending that she was really having to think about it a bit. The table was in hysterics, the women all blushing as she hemmed and hawed over whether it would fit. Honestly, I'm not sure if she thought we meant that it had to fit hard or flaccid but I could tell you already from what I saw that Richard wouldn't fit in that tube either way. There really wasn't anything to think about.

Eventually, as the laughter began to die, Guen shrugged and said reluctantly, "well, ok, I guess so."

"See???" Richard exclaimed with a victorious and smug sound in his voice. "I've been trying to tell you!"

Guen finally blushed at this, and it was suddenly obvious to all that Guen literally had NO idea her husband had a big dick. How the fuck does a woman have such a sheltered life that she doesn't know a big dick when she sees one? Its horribly sad to me realizing she literally has NO clue how good she's got it at home.

And that, quite possibly, was the point of no return for all of us. Here I was living with an average sized husband with a dick that only worked half the time without a little blue pill and she had a husband who seemingly is constantly horny and packing big ol' porno shlong in his shorts and she is wasn't even educated in the world enough to be grateful for what she had. Life wasn't at all fair.

As the evening wore on, I just couldn't shake the whole porno-dick thing. Everyone else, I think, had moved on, but I was starting to silently recall little conversations over the course of our friendship where it was obvious to me that Richard had a high sex drive but that Guen was hardly ever in the mood, except maybe when she was high which wasn't terribly often. In fact, Guen frequently picked on Richard for always being a pervert and thinking about sex all the time. I had to wonder now just how bad their sex life really was.

My husband and I's sex life was pretty much non-existent, itself. It had been months since we had even entertained a dirty conversation about me and some well-endowed stud and thus my husband just hadn't really been in the mood. Talking about me getting plowed by big dick was my husband's equivalent of "getting high" I guess.

So, with me starting to get a little worked up myself about the idea that there was a man with big ol' porno dick hanging around all the time, I decided to bring the subject up with my husband later that night. Hell, who knows, maybe I'd at least get a little if I could get my husband turned on talking about Richard's big dick. While my husband wasn't in any way big himself, sometimes cold pizza is still pizza if you know what I mean.

Later that evening, the privacy of our bedroom, I carefully planned the right time to bring it up again.

"Pretty funny tonight with Guen and the whole toilet paper roll thing, right?" I said quietly.

While it was VERY late now, about 2 in the morning and most of the house had retired to their rooms, Richard was still up in the family room watching television extremely quietly, confessing he had a hard time sleeping sometimes and that he would head to bed a little later. Guen couldn't stay up any longer and went to bed without him.

I half wondered if Richard was perhaps making a subtle invitation that anyone who wanted to hang out a little while longer after everyone else went to bed was welcome to join him. Honestly, if my husband wasn't the jealous type, I would have been thrilled to join Richard for some late night tv and a chance at getting to know him a little better in private. Not to seduce him or anything like that, heavens no, but we'd never really had a private conversation and I myself was a bit of a night owl too while my husband frequently went to bed before me. Besides, it might be fun to flirt just a little.

My husband, unfortunately, was a little unsettled by me bringing up Richard's big dick again. That was NOT what I was expecting.

"You're sure thinking about it a lot," my husband said making it sound like an accusation.

"Come on," I shot back a bit irritated. "YOU were the one that brought up the whole toilet paper roll thing."

"Yeah," Jason lightened a bit. "That was pretty funny."

"Right?" I said trying to make light of the conversation. "Guen had us busting up when she went and got a roll."

"I bet Richard loves having his wife validate for a bunch of women at the table that her husband has a big porno sized dick."

I laughed. "I don't think he brags about it or anything." I paused for a moment before adding, "But seriously, I don't think Guen even knows her husband has a big dick."

"Maybe not," Jason shrugged. "I mean if she's only been with a couple of men in her life and is too churchy to watch porn, how would she know?"

"Girls know!" I argued. "I mean girls talk."

My husband wrinkled his face in disapproval. "And THIS coming from a woman who says I'M obsessed about dick size and that size doesn't really matter. If that's they case, why do you women always talk about size then?"

And from there things just devolved into a full blown fight with me getting pissed that my husband is so hard to read sometimes.

I went to bed that night knowing two things. I certainly wasn't getting any tonight and two, Richard was sitting on the other side of that wall high, horny and with a big toilet paper thick dick and there wasn't anything I could do about that other than fantasize a little.