The Last Letter Ch 02

24, July 2000

Dear Isabelle,

Maybe I should tell you how damn tired I am, I can barely sleep, I can barely think straight sometimes. The talk is of how they tear you down before they build you back up. What the hell do I need to be broken down to a singled cell organism for? Shaved head, new boots, and a weapon. That is what I have been molded into, move left protect your flank! Move right, watch your ass soldier! Ugh, one thing I knew would happen would be this conditioning, but am I becoming a robot? Point, shoot, hide, point, shoot, run?

Scratch is my best friend I guess, I have mentioned him in the previous letters. But I think it is official now that he has seen my worst moments. Last night I was thinking about that summer we first met, and you just smiled like the little imp you are when I stood there dumbfounded looking at... well you. But more your eyes and how they seemed to make your smile perfect, the small dimples on your cheeks just slightly enhancing your smile and beauty... ugh cheesy I know. Anyways God it was so hot that summer, I thought I would have died of dehydration, I guess the swimming helped that huh? Anyways, I told him about the letters he kept asking me about, and just who I was writing to every day, whether I was running on a couple hours of sleep or staring off into the distance as I made sure to write you in mind then to faithfully write it down word for word when I got the chance.

Who indeed am I writing? Are you my priest like I had thought you might be? Perhaps. Are you my waiting blushing bride at home? Hardly! What about my friend? Of course. But exactly why am I writing you every day even I don't know. I mean think about how we almost hardly saw each other for the last year. But I now can't get you out of my head, it's like some habit I learned as a child but now cannot be broken because it's been far to long to rid myself of it.

So what did I tell him? I told him everything, from the dimples to the thousands of love letters I wrote but never sent. That last part made him laugh so hard he actually farted, I am not kidding actually farted. When he finally could calm himself he said,

"

So are you actually going to send any of the huge stack in your footlocker?

"

God how was I suppose to answer that question? Was I supposed to tell him, no I can't send them to her? No, she is just too perfect, shes my unicorn? I tried explaining that how your that mythical figure, the one no matter how close you come to touching you never can because your not pure enough, nor are you fast enough, maybe not even good enough... actually no your not good enough to touch that mythical unicorn. I don't think he understood, but he nodded his head and mumbled something about needing a stiff drink after hearing that. Thats Scratch for ya, something he thinks is too 'deep' or 'intense' he needs a stiff drink.

Something about Scratch reminds me of a bear, I am not sure if you will understand this but I will try to explain it. Heres a good example, when he rolls off the bottom bunk and stands he literally looks like some angry bear, fuzzy, red eyed, surly as a old sailor.... He really looks like a bear. He even growls when he yawns in the mornings, I mean like deep rumbling growl. Also he has that temperament of a bear. For example on the obstacle course there is this wall we have to climb over. Well we have this short guy called spark, cause he can barely contain himself I guess? Anyways, Scratch was watching this little guy try and try to get over, and us getting yelled at to hurry up, so he walks up all mild mannered like and says

"

Scuse

me... But you gotta get over.

"

Scratch just picks the guy up and tosses him over, then clambers his own self over. And me? I just stood there in awe, then hurried myself over. Like they say, the Army is just a bunch of hurry up and wait crap. Even in the training.

I miss you. I love you. I hate myself you know, I can't even send all these letters I am up to, what's this one make the twenty-eighth? Ugh I don't know anymore. Saying goodbye always did hurt when we were children, I remember each and every single time I would leave from the campgrounds, or from the Mackenzie's house or from when you all would come up and visit. Every time you left or I did, if felt like the whole world was crashing down around be but no one else saw that all of time was coming to an end. How can it be that you brought so much light to my eyes and so much pain to my heart? Did you know you are the reason I look at the stars? Hoping one day we will both be sitting on some blanket in our backyard of our home watching the sky and speaking to each other of love and happiness?

I have to go, it's getting close to bed time... Bed time. How old am I? I have a bed time all of a sudden again.

Private,

Joseph

Stepping out of the car as he hefted his bags out the door, he looked directly across from him as he saw Emily's smiling face. She shut the door to the civic, as she rushed over giving Joseph one of those hugs that felt as if his ribs were about to crack.

"Unhhhff!" Joseph grunted out as he tried sucking air into his now almost deflated lungs. Loudly he said, "Lady, I swear when they say dry cleaning only, it does not mean you have to squeeze it till it pops."

"Oh stop it you." Emily laughed as let up slightly on her bear hold as she quickly stepped to his side, lifting Josephs arm around her shoulders as she held onto his torso.

Looking over to the other side of the civic he smiled to Marge Jones, and said "Thank you for coming to see me off, ma'am."

"Oh Scout, I couldn't stand the thought...." shaking her head, she quickly rounded the car and hugged Joseph as if her very life depended on it. Her arms tightly around his torso and in between Emily and Joseph she stood on her tip-toes and kissed him quickly on the cheek, a small wet spot spoiling her cheeks as it spilled from her eyelids.

"I..." Joseph quietly tried to say, but his voice failed him as if it too sad to even dare speak the words they were about to speak. He quickly hugged Marge Jones around the shoulders and then released her just as quickly as he pulled away going to her husbands side and gluing herself to him like her daughter had done to Joseph.

Slowly the group walked into the airbases terminal as the mood while looking and sounding almost happy still had a somber air around them that could not be mistaken as an easy parting. With his duffel bag hanging on his shoulder, and his pack hanging from his hand of the same arm. His whole left side it seemed to Joseph was taken up by this wondrous, and beautiful best friend. God it would be weird not meeting her for lunch, or taking her to the latest horror movie. What would he do he pondered for lunch next week? It would be a very lonely event he supposed, sure he would be seeing his extended for a week or two when he got back. He even had a basic outline of how he would be spending his time in Louisville for those two weeks but no set plans what so ever. A hotel room near some of his relatives, but hardly was there a plan of what all he would do. This was his one fear when he got there and was done with the wedding.

What am I going to do?

"Scout.. are you in there? Or did you turn all robot on us again?" Captain Jones asked again for the third time. His voice while quiet was full of concern as he saw the young man still off in a place that was not with them, even if his body was walking and going through the motions of being there.

"Sorry sir, just thinking. Hey Em, did I ever tell you about this little place called Burma..." Joseph said trying to lift the mood that seemed to be settling down on them all like a thick fog.

"Yard arm boy, yard arm." Marge tried gruffly saying as she imitated her husbands voice. With that the whole group seemed to upturn the fog as they all broke into laughter. Captain Jones most of all, smiling at his wife and just hugging her all the tighter.

With that they all just looked to themselves, slowly each pulled out of their own thoughts and looked at the massive dark green plane in front of them. It was only a short flight on this one Joseph thought, then onto one of the commercial airliners straight to Chicago, then another to Louisville.

"Ugh! That plane about matches how I feel when I think of boarding onto it." Joseph exclaimed loudly to the small group around him.

"Scout, you do know soldiers don't show fear right?" Emily intoned as she looked up at his face, and seeing just the slightest frown he was making at the plane as if wishing it would just go away.

"Erm... Sir, didn't you tell her it was all an act? I mean I know I am spoiling our reputation but... It's a plane." Joseph said quietly to Captain Jones.

"Scout it is perfectly safe to fly in a plane, they have been doing it how many years now? It's not as if you won't have a parachute in this one in case it gets shot at or something like that." Captain Jones snickered quietly as he spoke to Joseph, it was always like this for him when he saw the young soldier boarding or even going near a plane.

"Oh hun, don't tease the poor boy." Marge chided Jones, as he shook her head with sympathy.

Slowly they all came to a stop inside the terminal close to the exit for the plane. Joseph noticeably became quiet as he looked out the window at the demon he saw that would provide plenty of torture for the next hour, but then his face seemed to take an even sadder grim smile as he turned to the family that had all but adopted him even if they oft teased that they had.

Marge saw the young mans face and barely remained in control of her tears as she left her husbands side and again hugged the younger soldier to her and kissed his cheek one last time. "You take care of yourself Scout, god knows you will be missed by us all." she said in a cracked voice.

"I will ma'am, I promise you." Joseph hugged the woman back as tightly as he dared feeling her shoulders moving up and down slightly as he hid her face into on his chest. Looking over to the Captain for help or something only he could begin to express with his eyes to the man, the Captain slowly came over and gently took his wife from Joseph's arms as Jones pulled her into a tight hug. Marge buried her eyes into the Captains chest, her shoulders moving even harder in their up and down motion.

"Come on Em, I need to talk to you for a moment." Joseph said to the young woman beside him. She looked up into his face and nodded slightly not even sure if she could maintain herself as well as her mother had. She grabbed Joseph's hand tightly into hers as she followed him a few feet away from the others even closer to the door that would lead Joseph away from her.

"I'm sorry Em." Joseph said as he turned slightly towards the window looking out of it and at the plane.

"For leaving me, or never giving your heart to me?" Emily asked honestly, she knew Joseph was trying to apologize for one of those things perhaps both.

"I'm not sure." Joseph replied his shoulders slouching just slightly. "I hope you will forgive me someday." he turned fully towards Emily now, "I just can't..." was all he was able to say before the young woman plastered herself against his chest and stood up on her toes pulling his head down towards her. Her hands latched behind his neck, she pressed her soft delicate lips tightly against his own as she kissed him with all the anger, love, sadness, acceptance, and finally passion she could give to him.

Joseph at first stood there in shock, sure they had kissed once in awhile sometimes after their dates. Neither of them pure of chastity, but in front of her parents it was almost all but feared by him. Then his body melted against her own as he returned the kiss with all the words and meanings he could never speak to her, but the kiss perhaps explained more than they ever could have anyways.

Slowly pulling back away from him she looked at Joseph sadly, "It is a good thing she doesn't live any where near me. I don't think I could control myself if I ever saw her." She pulled him down for one quick peck. Then pulled away sharply saying, "Goodbye Joseph, I love you." she ran to her mothers side and the women walked quickly away from the building out towards their car and the existence that was about to lose one person so close to their lives.

"Well, son. I guess it's a sad goodbye for us all." Jones quietly said to Joseph as he walked to the young mans side and stared outside the window that Joseph looked through, he raised his hand and rested it gently on his shoulder. "Remember you always have a place to come to if you ever need a ear or a shoulder son." Squeezing his shoulder tightly he quickly releases his grip.

Joseph still in a daze and fog from the kiss that broke his heart for a second time in his life, turns slowly towards the man and quietly says "Thank you sir. I..."

"Sergeant. You need to begin loading into the plane." said a Corporal from behind the desk in the terminal.

"Well Scout, time for you to get a move on while you can catch you can still catch your flight." Jones said gruffly, his arms circling around the young soldier and quickly hugging him. Just as quickly Jones releases him and turns a perfect about face and walks towards the parking lot doors. Josephs mind running a thousand miles a minute as he tries to will himself into speaking, moving, something, anything but standing there.

Slowly the door swings shut on it's rusty hinges as the Captain walks away from the terminal. The gruff middle aged man walks slowly towards the wall beside the door and leans back against it. His shoulders slumping as they begin to show their almost fifty years.

Inside the small terminal Joseph still stands as he feels rooted to the spot his feet are planted at. Unable to comprehend what exactly his mind is trying to make him do at that exact moment, he does the one thing he knows to do. Just as Captain Jones said to him just this late night, squaring his shoulders he bends down to pick up the bags by his feet. Standing back up, he falls back onto his training and walks towards the door. The thought,

"

You don't have to like it, you just have to do it

"

running heatedly in his mind.

"Sergeant. Your flight is boarding." A corporal says to him quietly.

"Thanks Corporal."

Walking out the door Joseph was hit again in the face with the loud noise coming from the military transport. It was a huge hulking ugly green behemoth of a plane. Joseph's first reaction to seeing it warming up on the tarmac was one of fear and just a slight bit of trepidation.

The planes rear was still open as he saw about ten guys loading up a few last minute crates. Walking towards the end he smiled to himself as he ran over the last time he flew in a plane something like this and thought of how he had to jump out of it on purpose in mid flight. That always brought a smile to his face, even if he hated flying he loved jumping from the ungodly machines. There was truly something peaceful, almost Zen like in falling through the sky and watching the slight curvature of the horizon.

Part of Joseph knew that jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft was a bit insane. But then again, he was just happy to be out of the plane in the first place let alone not having the fear of crashing into some mountain. In the air he knew he was the only one he had to rely on to live, well that and a silken canopy to catch the wind. But at least up there he had knowledge of what to do when something went wrong. His canopy didn't come out correctly, and his lines started twisting in a slight circle. Kick his legs while reaching up and trying to spread the thick cords with his hands. Pulling outward in both directions with his hands, and then kicking in a hard circular motion would usually pull your lines straight. Or when the shoot would not deploy at all or ended up in a nasty ball of wires,silk, and a devils prayer. In those cases he had two options, die or do something about it. Simple to Joseph, just release your main and pull the reserve rip cord. Either way it was still a gamble, but the instructors had drilled into Joseph so many times on the actual mathematical improbabilities of both parachutes failing was not even worth calculating.

As Joseph looked past the loading crates and into the planes belly he started walking up the loading ramp and asked one of the guys where he should store himself away for the short connecting flight. Getting his spot in the plane was easy as Captain Jones had promised. This was just a short hop over to a civilian airport where he would get onto the real flight and fly into the states and then into Louisville.

"

With hope.

"

Joseph though to himself. Something Isabelle had told him a very long time ago, never pray to god for something. It was much easier to simply hope than to pray to some mythical figure head that you would be safe. Like his Isabelle, he said "With hope." quietly as he looked down through the belly and saw the loading ramp closing up.

The flight was short as promised and landing in the god forsaken airport was a godsend. Joseph had sat in on his seat with sweat pouring down his brow sheening his face in a cold sweat. The turbulence was not long or actually all that bad in truth. Even when a door would open in a plane for a planned jumped, there was more of a shake than the turbulence he had just gone through. But that was different that wasn't his last day in this country and he sure wasn't about to see her.

Shaking the hand of the smiling loading ramp attendant was an exercise in control Joseph felt. It may not have been him flying but he sure didn't have to smile in such a way after seeing Joseph looking as if he had just seen a ghost.

"Thanks for the lift, tell the pilots thanks for me also." Joseph said to the soldier.

"Will do, you have a good ride home on the civy bud."

The civilian plane Joseph thought was at least a place where they had actual places to sit and relax instead of spot to cram ones body into the smallest and most uncomfortable position possible and hope he did not have to extract himself quickly in an emergency.

Flying to Louisville, just there. This will be the last time I fly, Joseph promised himself. Or at least it would be the last time for the next year.

'Ok no flying for the next two months...'

Even Joseph could not lie to himself about where he might be flying next, especially since he wanted to travel a bit not that he had no where to go, and no where to be for the next couple of months.

"Here I come."

"Excuse me Sergeant?"

"Ah, nothing just talking to myself." Joseph said. I think at least." adding that very last part quietly to himself.

Picking up his feet quickly Joseph set out towards the Airports terminal. It was set off apart from the rest of the Airport for security and safety reasons. One could not land one the military's huge behemoths of a plane in a commercial Airport without the locals and civilian passengers a bit nervous so close to all the other regular airlines.

Entering the chaos that is called airports always had a way of setting Joseph on edge, he wasn't sure if it was the throngs of people or just the whole airport regime as a whole. Too many laxes in even the remotest securities was dangerous but airports seemed to have made it an art of catastrophe. From the lazy terminal security guards, to the inadequate luggage scanners. Although Joseph did have one thing that did not annoy him in Airports. Moving sidewalks. God bless them Joseph would think. It actually meant he could move even faster through and away from the throngs of people. That is unless people got onto them and just stood. He knew they were for that exact reason. It was for tired passengers to stand on and get from one point to the other, but no not Joseph. It was to propel himself along the airport at a speed his feet could not achieve unless he was running.