. 16

Chapter 16: Fucking Around

The beam of sunlight that infiltrated the dome above was creeping steadily higher up the wall over Ellie. She lay on her back on the floor, watching its progress, having cried herself into a wrung-out exhaustion over the last many minutes. The tears and heaving had stopped. She took steady, pointless breaths.

In

Twelve years.

Out

And I can't tell anyone.

In

Kathleen is probably worried sick about me... but she doesn't even know... what a stupid thing to worry about...

Out

The observatory extended above her like a tunnel, and Ellie was laying at the bottom of a well, trapped. She stared up at her only escape -- high above and completely out of reach.

In

The door wasn't an escape. Tad was out there with the apocalypse scientists, Monisha and Paul. Paul Johnson, PhD. What a cool name. What a cool title. Fuck you, Paul.

Going out there only meant more contact with them. Only more death talk and apocalypse and doom.

Out

No. No escape. The sunlight visible through the ceiling wasn't relevant anymore. It wasn't for Ellie. It was from the time before, when Ellie didn't know that the clock was ticking. Down here, in the time after, the darkness was appropriate, and she should just stay here.

In

A knock on the door. It opened, and Tad's unwelcome Haitian accent violated her wallowing.

"Ellie? I am very sorry to intrude but it is nearly time for dinner and we need to get you home soon."

Out

Fuck you, Tad. Fuck you and your horrible, impossible secret. Who the fuck wants dinner at a time like this?

Ellie's stomach grumbled audibly, betraying her.

In

"Okay. I'm coming."

Out.

She pulled herself into a seated position, legs splayed in front of her, and Ellie remembered she didn't have pants on. She still didn't care.

On her feet now, Ellie hit a dizzy spell due to the lack of food and exhaustive bout of crying. She shuffled to the door, clutching the railing surrounding the telescope. Tad waited patiently and had the decency not to smile at her.

"One more thing, if you can stand it. They will need a blood sample at the clinic. Are you still considering coming onboard?" he asked.

Ellie shrugged. Her answer to the question didn't matter. Saw my legs off, for all I care.

"Sure."

In the sunny lobby, now bathed in orange evening light, Paul and Monisha sat in a clumped seating area talking quietly. They looked around at Ellie.

"There she is," said Paul, smiling, and Ellie wanted to run over and punch him in the mouth. "We're all gonna go eat in a sec. Are you coming?"

"Paul," said Monisha. She shot him a look. Hush. She turned to Ellie. "How are you feeling?"

Ellie shrugged again. "Sorry about the..."

"Perfectly fine, don't worry about it," said Monisha. "I probably deserved it. I've seen... well, I've seen worse reactions."

Ellie looked at Tad. "Can we just go do the blood thing?"

"Yes, no reason to delay," said Tad. Then to Paul and Monisha, "Thank you for your time today."

Tad and Ellie stepped outside, and she was offended at how lovely the air smelled. Idiot birds still chirped. A naive breeze still blew stupid pine tree scent at Ellie's miserable nostrils. She followed Tad to the clinic. He made no attempt at conversation.

The interior of the clinic was jarringly typical. Boring upholstered chairs were arranged in a beige waiting room, and a reception desk sat at the front. A small man, maybe Southeast Asian, sat at the desk wearing mint-green scrubs. He looked up at their entry.

"Hey there, you just missed it!"

"What did I miss?" Asked Tad.

"Bethany delivered! A baby boy."

"Oh, that's right!" Tad forced a smile, though he looked very tired. "How is she?"

"Bethany's fine, I think she's sleeping now. Several of the girls are watching the baby so she's getting some rest. And you" -- he looked at Ellie -- "must be here for your blood test! Oh my gosh, are you gonna stay?"

"Joe," said Tad warningly. "You know the rules about pressure. Ellie has had a hard day."

"Don't they all," said Joe, and he clicked his tongue at Ellie with a simpering pity that she found irritating. "Okay hun, we'll make this quick, I promise."

He disappeared from view and then re-emerged through a door on the right. Joe gestured for Ellie and Tad to follow.

The back of the clinic was as ordinary as the lobby; a long row of exam rooms flanking a nurse-on-call desk. Ellie heard a newborn crying, and several female voices chattering and laughing, through an open door on their right.

"Hey! Ellie!"

Ellie turned.

"Hannah!"

Hannah was smiling, and Ellie was deeply glad to see her. She was cradling a very tiny, screaming newborn infant in her arms. "You're here for the blood test! Wait..." Hannah's smile disappeared. "Are... are you okay?"

"Can you come with me?" asked Ellie. She felt pathetic for asking. "Just... you know. If you're not busy."

"Of course I'll come with you." She handed the screaming baby to another one of his six moms and left the room without hesitating.

Ellie walked over and hugged her, and she needed it badly. She couldn't pull Hannah close enough, wishing it was possible to climb inside of her. "I laughed at you last night," she said in a muffle against Hannah's shoulder.

"I'd have been worried about you if you didn't," said Hannah, returning her hug. "It sounds stupid until you know. Seriously, are you okay?"

Ellie didn't answer. She just wished people would stop asking her that.

Hannah seemed to read her mind. "No, of course you're not. But you will be."

She held onto Hannah a little longer, savoring the anchoring familiarity of her soft body. Hannah was closer to home than anything or anyone else in this strange, strange place.

Finally, Ellie broke off the hug, grabbed Hannah's hand, and continued following Joe down the hall. Hannah kissed the side of Ellie's head as they walked and rubbed her upper arm bracingly. It was nice. Reinforcing.

Joe leaned into another doorway en route. "Billy, do you have a quick sec for Miss Elizabeth's blood draw?"

"Aha! The recruit!" A boisterous voice blasted from the room.

A chubby man in a lab coat and tie -- sandy blonde, blue eyes, and an enormous nose -- came strolling out of his office. He reached for Ellie's hand. "Dr. William Jorgensen at your service. The kids call me Dr. Billy."

Ellie let go of Hannah's hand long enough to shake his. "I haven't had anything to eat in awhile, is that a problem?"

"Nope! Just need a vial." He swept the group toward an empty exam room. A part of Ellie appreciated Dr. Billy's brisk and insensitive demeanor. She couldn't tolerate one more person's pitying inquiries into her state of mind.

Tad asked Hannah if she wouldn't mind staying with Ellie -- he needed to supervise dinner -- and she agreed. Tad departed. Hannah followed Ellie into the room after Dr. Billy, and Ellie sat on the exam table. The paper crinkled beneath her butt, offering her another grounding dose of familiarity.

Dr. Billy rifled in a cabinet for a blood test kit. "Any problems with needles, Ellie?"

"Nah," said Ellie. "I used to donate plasma."

"Oooooh," said Dr. Billy. He pulled on a pair of blue latex gloves and sucked air through his teeth. "Those needles are thick boys. Well then, this'll be easy peasy."

He made quick work of Ellie's blood draw. After an alcohol swab, she took a deep breath and held it as a thin needle was inserted in her forearm. Drops of blood filled a small vial. "Eeeeeeasy peasy lemon squeasy," he muttered absently, monitoring the vial. A hint of a smile tugged Ellie's lip. She bet the kids liked Dr. Billy.

"All done!" he announced loudly, and pulled the needle from Ellie's arm. Then he stuck a small circular bandage over the wound. "We'll let you know tomorrow if it's fatal."

"What's fatal?" asked Ellie, alarmed.

"He's kidding," said Hannah. She looked at Dr. Billy. "Billy, come on."

Dr. Billy raised two hands in surrender. "Sorry. I know. Sorry. Big day for you."

Ellie was rather annoyed by the joke and didn't let him off the hook; her nerves were frayed enough without his brand of wit. The lack of food didn't help. "Am I good to go?" she asked curtly.

"Yep! Get out of my exam room, the both of ya's."

Hannah rolled her eyes and led the way out to the hall. Ellie thanked Dr. Billy as she left -- for what, she had no idea.

"My office is right here," said Hannah. "I do medical records." She indicated a closed door on their right as they made their way down the hall toward the lobby and exit.

"Yeah, Riley mentioned," said Ellie. "Does your software background help you at all?"

"Yeah, it does," said Hannah. "I built our EMR from scratch after a little bit of research and digitized everything awhile back. Makes it a super easy job. I get automatic alerts when it's time to schedule stuff for the kids -- vaccines, check-ups, that kind of thing."

"Who manages all of that when you're out recruiting?"

"No one," said Hannah. "It's not a full time job. I'll be here awhile tomorrow playing catch-up but it's not a huge deal."

They were back outside in the evening light. People were now streaming out of the training and observatory buildings to make the trek down the hill to dinner. Monisha and Paul could be seen exiting the observatory amongst other academics, talking shop. The trainees and technicians -- formerly in their lab coats and blue jumpsuits -- had changed into the natural-fabric clothing that characterized all of the dress outside of the Academy.

These teenagers and young adults chatted and laughed on their walk. Ellie again noticed pregnancies among these female Resets, but in a slightly smaller proportion than she observed among the Recruits. And much like with the school children, they exhibited casual physical affection with each other. Several held hands, platonically and otherwise.

A girl crept across the paths of several of her fellow trainees and swatted one of the guys on the ass. He guffawed and made to chase her down. She squealed with glee and ran down the hill with him in pursuit, weaving between members of the crowd.

"Careful Casey, don't trip!" Hannah yelled at the girl. Then, quietly, more to herself than Casey, "I don't want to see you in the clinic with another dumb-ass injury."

The boy had caught up with Casey, grabbed her midsection from behind, and wrestled her to the ground while she shrieked and giggled. The two were now making out in the grass.

"I saw Casey in the pool earlier," said Ellie.

"The tank? Yeah, that makes sense," said Hannah. "What'd you think?"

"Crazy," said Ellie. They had joined the group journey down the hill. "You people are not fucking around."

"Well... I wouldn't say that," said Hannah. She nodded at the couple in the grass to their left; Casey had flipped the boy over and was now straddling him, kissing him aggressively and grinding on his crotch, moaning.

Ellie looked around to the rest of the group, searching for a reaction, but they didn't seem interested in the lovebirds' behavior. She compared them with high schoolers or college kids at home, who'd surely be whooping and hollering at this lewd display.

Hannah addressed the couple again. "Hey. Guys. Wanna take that to the Reset house later? Please? You need to get to dinner."

Casey and the boy looked at Hannah and grinned mischievously, but Casey stood up to release the boy, blew hair out of her face, and stuck out a hand to help him up.

Crickets and other musical insects were tuning their instruments in the grass for the full orchestra that would begin at dusk. The group traipsing down the hill became denser the further down they climbed as other colonists joined them -- Day laborers from the crafting district, toddlers from the Reset housing and their caregivers, farmers and haulers dirt-smeared and sweating -- swelled their masses until Ellie was one of a crowd of at least 200 people.

They veered right at the school where the bulk of children and teachers -- Ellie's former welcoming committee -- joined the march. Now the colony converged en masse on a building at the lake shore that she hadn't yet toured. The smell of charcoal and grilling met her hungry nose and she closed her eyes with appreciation, breathing it in.

It was big, similar in proportion to the Reset houses higher on the hill, and prolific smoke issued from several chimneys on the back-end of the building opposite the lake.

The front ⅔ of the building -- the side facing the lake -- was open air. Two dozen picnic tables were set out, half of them under the awning and the other half spilling down a gentle grassy slope toward the lake. A few of them were occupied by folks who had already gotten their plates of food.

A bonfire had been built next to the water, mostly ignored on this warm evening while the colonists ate. Electric string lights lined the sweeping awning of the mess hall, granting the evening a festive vibe. On the other side of the bonfire, a wooden swimming dock extended roughly fifty feet over the water.

Several lawn games had been set out here; tetherball, cornhole, horseshoes, et cetera. A handful of schoolchildren played Foursquare with a dusty red dodgeball to Ellie's left as she marched with the group.

Hannah led Ellie to the end of the line for food, which snaked out of the right-hand doorway of the mess hall.

"Hey, y'all."

Riley had caught up to Ellie and Hannah as they joined the line. She was back in her polo-and-khaki pilot uniform, hair twisted back into its bun, aviators hooked on her shirt collar. "How you holdin' up, Ellie?"

"I wish people would stop asking me that," Ellie said testily. Riley fell into apologetic silence, which made Ellie feel bad. In this lighthearted environment -- next to the sparkling lake, under the soft glow of string lights, among the talking and laughter and smells of good food -- she was incapable of staying pissed off.

"The training stuff was cool, though."

"I know! I'm so jealous," said Riley, latching onto the change of topic. "I wanna take a ride in one of those G-force machines, but the bastards won't let me."

"Blegh. I want to puke just looking at them," said Hannah.

"Me too," said Ellie.

The three of them talked like old friends as they made their way up the line towards the promising smells. Riley told Hannah about the erotic novel she was reading up at Recruit House, Hannah told them both about Bethany's delivery at the clinic (fast, but Beth was a screamer), and Ellie expounded on how neat she thought the spacewalk training pool was.

They did not discuss Ellie's trip to the observatory.

When finally they breached the doorway into the mess hall, Ellie saw that most of the gymnasium-sized space was empty. She guessed that the picnic tables were brought inside during the winters when eating outside wasn't an option.

The line of people wound around the outer edges of the room, got their food, and then exited back outside through a door on the other end of the hall. First stop was a washing-up trough just inside the door where each person cleaned their faces and hands. A shelf of small hand towels stood next to this.

Ellie washed her hands and forearms next to Riley and Hannah in cold water that streamed from the punctured ceramic, enjoying again the pleasantly gentle lather of the bar soap placed out for them. Copying Hannah and Riley, she patted herself dry with one of the clean hand towels.

"Keep that with you," said Riley. "It's your napkin too."

Ellie obediently draped her hand towel over her forearm for safe keeping. The queue resumed.

She then met a row of ceramic platters of food set out on a long wooden table -- the selection plentiful in quantity but modest in its contents -- served by three people with wooden tongs. Ellie grabbed a wooden plate and thanked each of these workers as they filled her plate with an un-fussy variety of food: baked beans, grilled corn on the cob with butter, steamed rice, and sauteed green beans and carrots.

Finally, they grabbed clean cups from a shelf on the opposite side of the hall from the food and filled them with water taps set into the wall.

Ellie followed Riley and Hannah back out into the fresh air. "No meat, huh?" she asked, trying not to sound too plaintive.

"Yeahhh, meat's kind of an occasional treat," said Riley. "We got animals, but not enough to slaughter ten of 'em every day."

"You get used to it. No one's starving," said Hannah.

As Riley led them to an empty picnic table, Ellie scanned the rest of them. Ttables were much fuller now, and the soft babble of dinner talk had reached a low roar.

Adults and teenagers shared details about their days with each other as they cut corn off of the cob and vegetables into smaller bites for children and toddlers sitting between them. A few of the younger children breastfed.

Ellie spotted Tad sitting with a group of Recruits she hadn't met yet. He made eye contact with her, smiled, and stood up as though he'd been waiting for her. She expected Tad to intercept her, but he didn't. Instead, Tad strode over to the mess hall awning and rang a large bell hanging there. Hannah, Riley, and Ellie took their seats at an empty table while the babbling died down.

"Good evening, everyone!"

"Good evening, Tad," said the Recruits.

"Good evening, Mister Tad," said the Resets.

"Thank you as always for your hard work, focused learning, and diligent training today. As you all know, we have a special guest with us this evening, and I would like to extend a further thanks for the hospitality of those who had the pleasure of meeting and speaking to Miss Ellie today... Ellie, can I ask you to please stand?"

She was halfway through a bite of corn, and now 300 eyes were on her. Annoyed and embarrassed, Ellie set down her corn, wiped her mouth, and stood up. She focused on finishing her chewing and swallowing before Tad asked her to speak.

He didn't, though.

"Ellie, I want to thank you for your patience and your questions on today's tour. As with all of our recruits -- and all of them here will understand -- you received some difficult information today and are likely still processing."

Tad paused his speech and she wished he didn't. Nobody spoke, but a few of the Recruits nodded their heads at her sympathetically.

He finally continued. "Everyone here would be thrilled if you joined us, but leaving your life behind is a monumental ask." Tad was not smiling as he said this part: "There will be no hard feelings if you feel that we are asking too much, rest assured. We are only grateful that you took the time to visit."

Ellie fidgeted uncomfortably with the hem of her T shirt above her bare legs and exposed panties, suffering profoundly in this spotlight.

Tad's smile returned. "So! My only remaining ask is that you enjoy the rest of your meal and have a safe flight home. What happens after that is entirely up to you. Everyone, let us please give Miss Ellie a round of applause for her bravery and strength in taking a considerable leap of faith to join us here today."

The crowd clapped for Ellie. She winced sheepishly at the good-natured applause and sat back down without asking for permission. She felt suddenly and sharply homesick.

Fortunately, Tad was done with her. But he continued to speak, "And now we remind ourselves."

A grand clatter as 300 sets of silverware hit their plates while everyone present paused their meals. The only sound now was the bugs and the breeze.

Tad spoke again: "I must care for others as I care for myself..."

The crowd of hundreds responded in unison, startling Ellie slightly: "And I must care for myself as I care for others."

"I must respect others as I respect myself," said Tad.

"And I must respect myself as I respect others." Children and adults alike participated. Toddlers fumbled the word respect, but they tried their best.