The Collector

She sat in the waiting room, hands balled into fists pressing into her thighs, chill bumps all over her skin, feeling her heart beat rapidly against her chest. She always hated doctors' offices. Something about being inspected, critiqued and searched for any imperfections by individuals infinitely smarter and with much more promising futures than hers was literally the most unnerving thing she could think of. Yes, doctor examinations were the epitome of suffering in her eyes but today would be the worst kind of examination of all, someone would be studying her mind.

It was supposedly just a touch of anxiety that needed a simple antidepressant as a treatment, something her doctor described as "all too common in girls your age". But what was that even supposed to mean? The thought of her being normal in any way was laughable in her eyes. Yes, it was best she just stick with the classic symptoms of anxiety she found on the internet and then be done with this experience. It was amazing she even showed up to this appointment.

"Illeanna Catos?" the nurse called out her name and suddenly her heart was now located in her throat. Swallowing hard she closed her eyes tight for a moment took a deep breath then stood up and bravely walked over to the nurse.

"That's me, I'm Illeanna." her voice trembled ever so slightly at the end of her sentence and the nurse smiled warmly at her placing her hand on her shoulder.

"First time? Don't worry you'll love him, he's great." the nurse said in a reassuring voice as she led Illeanna through the door, but all she could think was...did the nurse just say it was a he? Doctors in general were bad enough, but she had never been able to handle male doctors. Ever. She was used to being judged by women but the thought of being judged by a man was much more intimidating.

As they walked down the hall things felt like they were slowing down with each foot step, her mind was starting to reel and she knew that if she didn't get control of her thoughts she would definitely have a panic attack. Luckily the nurse turned into a room just as she felt her knees starting to grow weak. Quickly sitting down in the first chair she saw, she hoped her behavior wasn't alarming to any of the staff watching her walk down the hall and to her relief, the nurse didn't comment.

"The doctor will see you in just a few dear." turning and smiling at Illeanna the nurse noticed the color draining from her face. "And take a few deep breathes and relax, everything is going to be ok sweetie." And with that the nurse glanced at her one last time then closed the door.

Closing her eyes she focused on her breathing for a few moments before realizing she hadn't even studied the room she was in. Her eyes popped open and she looked around. It was a medium sized space that resembled a generic office more than an exam room. Perhaps an office is more appropriate to judge a personality than a cold clinical set up she thought. A large mahogany desk sat about 5 feet away from the posh leather chair she was now sitting in. To her right was a large french style window showing a magnificent view of the city as windows on the 5th floors of buildings only can deliver. To her left were three large book cases packed with volumes of leather bound literature clearly more advanced than her mental capacities. As she studied the room she forgot for a moment that a doctor was about to enter and as he opened the door she jumped almost out of her chair. Staring at him with wide eyes and balled fists he couldn't help but smile slightly as he walked in and closed the door.

"They weren't joking, you really are tense." his voice was smooth and calming and to her surprise she actually felt herself relax a little as he spoke. Extending an arm he walked forward towards her "I'm Dr. Killian, and I take it you're Illeanna, or i'm not in the right office." he had a boyish smile and look about him, not one that she would have ever expected from a doctor, but she definitely preferred it over the stereotype.

"Mhm, you're in the right office." she squeaked. Her face suddenly turned bright red in embarrassment as she realized what she had just said and how stupid it was. "But...you know that...since this is your office. Sorry." her voice was barely above a whisper due to her embarrassment and she stared down at her feet. To her surprise he actually laughed heartily at her comment then went over to his desk.

He shuffled through a drawer and pulled out a file dropping it down onto his desk. Grabbing a pen and paper he settled into his large rolling chair then looked straight into her eyes. She stared back for a brief moment before quickly breaking contact. They were strikingly blue and even after looking away their image still stuck in her mind.

"So tell me about yourself Illeanna. What brings you here today?" he asks in a smooth tone.

"i...uh well really it's just a touch of anxiety and I just need to be on something then we don't have to...well my doctor said you could give me something and then I could go...she said it's normal." all of her words just gushed out at once and jumbled all together. That's exactly what i was trying NOT to do, she thought to herself. She slowly looked up at him scared to see what sort of an expression her most recent statement had provoked. To her surprise his face was surprisingly collected and she couldn't even slightly develop an idea of what he was thinking. This frustrated her immediately.

"Well, I can definitely help you with that, but I would also like you to answer my other question." he replied in a matter of fact tone.

"Oh...you asked another question?" she looked up at him with a blank expression. A grin formed on his face. "I'm sorry, i'm kind of a really forgetful person...could you maybe repeat it again?" she asked quietly still unable to make eye contact, realizing he was studying her every movement and facial expression.

"There's no need to apologize for anything you say in here Illeanna, I'm interested in learning about you and would like you to tell me about yourself."

With that comment, Illeanna felt inclined to look up at him, her eyes met with his then she looked away in thought. "I...there isn't much to tell about me. I have anxiety and I just need a pill and then things will be fine. Here, i have a list of symptoms that clearly identify my illness as anxiety and and that is proof that a pill is just what I need." she could feel her cool slipping and annoyance kicking in. She was a private person and preferred it to remain that way. As she moved over to his desk he watched her with just a slight frown on the sides of his lips. He didn't extend his hand to take the paper but rather just looked up at her for a long moment as she stood there trying to hand him the paper. Growing impatient and uncomfortable she placed the paper on his desk then quickly walked back over to her chair sitting back down. He glanced over the paper for a long moment then looked at her inquisitively. "Illeanna did you get this information off of the internet? Tell me the truth." he had a look of concern on his face which she found extremely confusing.

"What! no! Why on earth would you think that! My doctor sent me here because I had anxiety and I just wanted to help!" she stood up as her voice raised ever so slightly as she stood and her face flushed red with anger.

"I'm asking this because I wrote and published an article online that states these exact symptoms and descriptions of anxiety word for word." He stated this quietly but still confidently.

Her face went blank and embarrassment sweeps over her body. She dropped down into the chair with defeat and stared at the floor. "Ok...so maybe I did, what of it?"

"I'm just wondering why you're so afraid to tell me anything at all about yourself Illeanna, even your symptoms. What on earth could you be hiding?"

At that statement the anger became too much, she took a few slow deep breaths then quickly yanked her purse off of the floor and started towards the door. "You know what, nevermind this was a waste of time. It was nice to meet you dr. whatever your name is." Illeanna stated with a cold withdrawn tone.

"Illeanna please wait for a moment, you at least need this sheet for the checkout counter, otherwise they will make you wait until I give them an ok for you to go."

Sighing angrily she released the doorknob and stomped over to his desk reaching out to grab the paper but as she extended her arm he reached forward and pushed her shirt sleeve up, twisting her arm so as to expose the inner portion he revealed multiple scars and cuts. She gasped in surprise and pulled herself back so violently she toppled to the floor, and he stood up to help her. "Stop! Don't touch me!" she screamed angrily as she quickly pulled her sleeves back down and stood back up, glaring at him.

"Illeanna, your doctor sent you here because she has noticed over the past few exams that you have peculiar markings on your body and they seemed to be self inflicted. Now do you care to explain those cuts on your arms?"

Why did he actually look like he cared? He was a doctor and doctors never truly care about their patients. She shook her head defiantly, picked her purse back up, then stormed over to the door but to her dismay it would not open. "Why the hell can I not get this open?!!" she pulled and banged on the door. "Don't make me start screaming for help because I will!" she threatened.

"I scheduled your appointment at the end of the day after all of the patients had gone home just in case things went south Illeanna. Now why don't you have a seat and let's discuss your options here since clearly you won't be leaving out of here otherwise."

She kicked and punched at the door, as tears started to stream down her face yelling for help. She finally dropped to the floor and sat there with her head pressed against the solid wood, staring at his legs with a zoned out expression quietly sobbing, shaking from her frustration. "I'm not suicidal or anything I promise it's nothing like that. It's just...complicated." she stated quietly.

"After reading your file and noting the areas frequently marked on your body, I have only found one similarity between all of these spots...they're right over nerves Illeanna. Now someone who harms just for the emotional release typically cuts over naturally fatty areas, do you know why? Because though the pain is soothing, they can't handle great amounts of it. But you Illeanna, target all of the most sensitive spots on the body. Is there a reason for that?"

Her mouth went dry as the realization sunk in that he had discovered her secret. She looked up at him with a blank expression stuttering as she tried to form words.

He slowly stood up from his chair and walked over to her sitting down on the floor beside her. Slowly pulling out a pocket knife he flipped it open. The flash of silver caught her eye and she jumped in surprise.

"What are you doing!?!?!" she exclaimed in a shocked panicked tone. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back down "Shhhh easy, just hold still Illeanna, I just want to see." he said with a smooth calming tone. His words were like silk, his eyes so mesmerizing, she switched her gaze back and forth from one of his eyes to the other for a moment then slowly dropped back down to the floor and extended her arm. She nodded at him to give him permission then watched as he slowly moved the blade towards her, pressing it slowly onto the skin increasing the pressure slowly he watched as she gasped in pleasure and dropped her head against the wall. Her legs pressed in against one another and she let out a soft moan and squeezed his free hand. He chuckled softly then pulled the knife back from her arm. "A true masochist" he said with a pleased tone. "Never thought I'd find one of these. Especially not one so pretty." he slowly caressed her cheek as she looked at him with a dazed and aroused expression. "Now you know my secret." she whispered. "What are you going to do now?"

"I am going to help you take care of your...problem Illeanna. But you do have a choice on the location," he said as he ran his fingers through her hair. "Either I can hospitalize you and potentially cause exposure of your secret and mark you with a diagnosis of masochism which will stay in your file for the rest of your life, or I can do house visits, the choice is yours."

She looked up at him hopelessly and with a bit of an annoyed expression "Well of course that isn't a choice at all. House visits are the only option I have. Do you need me to write down my address?"

"Of course not, it's already in your file. Now I think this has been enough for today, go on home and get some rest and be sure to leave the back door unlocked. You never know when I might show up."

And with that he moved over to his desk, opened up a drawer and pressed a remote button to release the locks. She slowly stood up and looked at him for a long moment before finally picking up her purse, pulling her hair back, and slowly walking out of the office. No idea of what was in store for her in the coming days.