Jill stood in the door way of their bedroom. Her breath caught in her lungs as it always did when she looked at him. He sat on the side of the bed wearing nothing but his boxers. She smiled as she thought of that first morning that she had seen him in the white cotton. His shoulders were slumped as he spoke on the phone. His voice was low and his brow was furrowed, the soft lines more pronounced.
"Yeah, Mom. I understand. I might be away for a while in a couple of weeks, but Jill will be here if you need anything. Promise me, you'll call if you do?" she heard him say as she slipped into the room and curled up on her side of the bed. Her hand automatically went to his shoulder and squeezed the tense muscles there softly.
"Maybe. It would be nice. Let me see if I can get a few days off. I know the girls would love it and it would give you a chance to meet her. We'll talk about it tonight." She scooted across the bed and wrapped both arms about his waist, pressing a soft kiss between his bare shoulder blades.
"All right, I love you both," Jill's heart rose into her throat at how easily those words came to her husband. For his parents. For his daughters.
She told herself to give it time. That was how these things worked. Love that grew over time, as Ubah would say. But still the doubts ate at her mind, taunted her. Dodds words, 'Nothing like Rachel,' had become the newest litany among all the others that undermined her confidence, her womanhood.
She drew back as she heard him saying his farewells. She snuck back to her side of the bed, grabbing her book and drawing her knees up to her chest as she leaned against the headboard and pillows. She pretended to be engrossed in it even though she could not remember a word she read.
Daniel put the phone on the night stand and rolled over, wrapping his arm about her waist. "Unless that is the karma sutra put it down for a bit."
Jill laughed as she put it back on the night stand on her side of the bed. "How is your dad?" she asked as she turned in his arms to face him. The worried look on his handsome face answered her question before he spoke.
"Mom says that he made them stop the chemo. Said he didn't want to spend what time he had left sick as a dog. So they are just giving him what pain meds they can," his blue eyes were misty as he stared at the buttons on his shirt that she had kidnapped and wore to bed most nights.
Her fingers brushed across his cheek. "I'm sorry, Daniel." She wanted to take him into her arms, into her body and heart. But those damned words would not stop their song in her mind. So she satisfied herself with the soft caress.
"Mom asked if we could get away for a few days. Visit," Jill could hear the unspoken words in his voice as it cracked, 'say good-bye.' Tears filled her eyes for his pain, for his mother's, the woman without whom she would never have met this remarkable man.
"Can you get some time off? I know that the team is going to be activated soon. Is there time?" her fingers moved down his neck to caress his bare shoulder. She fought back the temptation to move lower, to play with the firm muscles and springy chest hairs that always entranced her.
Daniel shook his head, "Normally, I wouldn't. But this is different. I'll talk to the command tomorrow. If I can swing it, you think you and the girls up to a long drive?" those blue eyes looked up at her, the smile on his soft lips was weak and forced.
Jill nodded, "We'll manage," she bent and brushed a kiss across his forehead.
Trying to lighten his load anyway she could, she added, "And I have a surprise for you." She padded barefoot over to the dresser and rummaged in her purse for a moment before pulling out the small card. She smiled as she tossed it at him. "Got this yesterday. I figured I'd need it while you're gone. So, you have a relief driver, commander," she teased.
He smiled as he picked up her new driver's license, but then she remembered the photograph. She lunged and tried to snatch it back. "Oh no, you don't. The picture is horrible."
He rolled to the side, the license still firmly in his grasp as she collapsed on top of him, stretching and reaching for it.
"Oh no, you gave it to me. So no going back now, Missus Monroe," he said as he brought it up to his face. "What, you look fine," he replied.
Jill rolled over. 'Fine,' was not the word that she wanted to hear on his lips. But then again it was about time for her to face reality. Sometimes fine just had to do. And her marriage was just that...fine.
***
Daniel was not sure what he had said or done, but the look on his wife's face told him it was something big. As good as things had been the past four weeks since Jill had moved into their bed, he still did not know how to handle moments like this.
Like a fucking hurricane she had blown into his world and changed everything. It had long since stopped being just the way she loved and nurtured his daughters or the delicious meals or clean house. It was not even the best fucking sex of his life. It was the way that she was there. Just there. He knew that no matter what he could talk to her, or just snuggle up next to her. He felt safe. He knew that she would never turn him away. Never.
So why did he keep fucking things up? Even when he did not know how, he managed to screw things up. To hurt her. And that was something he never wanted to do.
He could not find the words then, anymore than he could any of those other times. So he did the only thing he knew, he reached for her. Wrapping his arms about her waist he pulled her back against his hard body. He spooned with her as he brushed her hair back from her neck and began to kiss along the pulse that beat loudly there. The immediate increase in its tempo told him that once more his miracle welcomed him with open arms...even if he did not deserve her.
His tongue flicked at the vein throbbing beneath it as his hand moved from her waist up to cup the fullness of her breast, his thumb playing with her nipple through the cotton. He ground his hips against the softness of her ass as he whispered, "I need you."
If her moan was not response enough, the way that she arched her chest into his caress, her nipples hardening as she pushed her bottom back against his hard cock, set any shreds of doubt aside. His wife wanted him. Almost as much as he wanted her.
Still it was not enough. His fingers moved lower to work more of the buttons free. He wanted his wife naked and needy beneath him. He wanted, fuck no, he needed all of her. Her total and complete surrender.
Jill pushed his hands away from the cotton as she turned in his arms. "Turn out the lights," she whispered against his lips.
It was the only thing she denied him. As spectacular as the sex had been the past month, it was always the same. Hot and heavy coming togethers of their bodies, their afternoon delights, with clothes pushed up or aside just enough to get the job done. Kitchen counter tops, rug burns from living room carpets, hell even the garage bent over the hood of the car, anywhere was fair game for the two of them.
Or it was slow, sweet making love in their bed after tucking the girls in for the night. But still it was the same. Sexy lingerie, his god damned shirts, something was always between them. Except on the couple of occasions when he had reached for her in the middle of the night. When his need for her loving comfort was stronger even than the need for sleep. Then she came to him, totally and completely. But watching his wife move atop him in the pale moonlight, its rays casting shadows on her beautiful face as she came apart for him was not what he needed. It was not enough. It never would be.
He shook his head as he rolled her beneath him, "Not tonight, sweetheart. Tonight I want to watch you as you come for me," his fingers brushed the material back from her shoulders. "I want to see how red your chest gets as you ride my hard cock." He pulled at the edges, intent on ripping the damned thing off his wife if he needed to.
Then the soft whine broke from the pink and white box on the night stand next to them. "Fuck," he spat.
Jill pushed at him and jumped up quickly. Too quickly, panic shown in her eyes as she mumbled, "Let me go check on them."
He watched her round bottom swoosh back and forth beneath the edge of the shirt as she practically lunged for the bedroom door and the safety of the nursery across the hall.
"Fuck," he cursed again as he collapsed back on the bed to stare at the ceiling. What the fuck was wrong? Why would she never let him see her completely naked? Hell, why did it bother him so fucking much? Everything else about their lives was just about perfect; so why did this one little thing matter so much? "Because, buddy, it's the one thing your wife always denies you."
Not the only one he thought as he heard her horrendous voice on the other end of the monitor, crooning a lullabye to his daughters. It was tender as she whispered, "I love you." His chest tightened uncomfortably at the soft admission that was not for him.
***
Jill watched Britney fall back to sleep. She bent to kiss the soft blonde curls about the angelic face. Brushing a stray lock back, she whispered, "I love you." 'Especially for this one, angel,' she thought. She owed the baby for a reprieve this night.
What would she have done? She had never seen him like this. Over the past month, when he tried to take off her dress or shirt, she had always been able to distract him. Move things forward quickly until his mind was on something else. But the look of determination is his eyes tonight had scared her. If Britney had not cried out, she had no doubt that he would have ripped the shirt open, buttons be damned.
