Chapter 20 -- Babygate
Monday October 24
I opened the back door and found Precious waiting for us. She seemed to glare at Duke, and he gave her a wide berth as he moved around her and then hurried off to do his business. She got up and pushed her way past me to go up the stairs to my apartment. For some reason, I decided that it wouldn't be worth it to try to stop her. I didn't feel like bleeding this morning.
Doc Grog had told me that I could start walking and working with the training staff to stretch and exercise this week. The plan was for me to get past the pain I felt. Today Duke and I were going for a walk. I showed Duke his leash, and he ran over and sat. He knew this meant he would get off the property, so he was on his best behavior. I think my hound missed our morning runs.
I brought my Bo staff; having had the bright idea I could use it to exercise. I quickly figured out that twisting it was not in the cards. By the time I'd gotten a couple of blocks, I was glad I'd brought it, though, because it made an excellent walking stick. I had a bad feeling that if I didn't get better quickly, I might not be ready for the game on Friday. That made me determined to keep going, even though I felt like hell.
I thought about all that had happened over the weekend. Something Uncle John had taught me was that I was responsible for my own happiness. Some of the stuff he told me had a new-age feel to it that didn't appeal to the teenager in me. He'd said that it was up to me to decide how something affected me. What bothered me the most wasn't the discovery that I had three more children by two different mothers. Though that was a game-changer, without a doubt. What troubled me was how Brook had effectively bailed on me.
I'd been thinking in terms of the two of us against the world. Brook and I were a good fit, and I cared about her more than I wanted to admit at this very moment. My first impulse was that I had to fix this. The problem was there was nothing I could fix right now. I wasn't even sure if the three new babies were mine yet. I wanted to come up with some brilliant plan that would put Brook's mind at ease and make it okay for her to put up with my drama.
Uncle John would have teased me because he'd taught me about people's success strategies. People had different ways to get others to accept and like them. Some were the teacher's pet, others the class clown, and so on. For guys, it was easy to fall into the role of the one who figured out what was wrong and then solved it. We thought it made us indispensable.
The flip side of being in charge of your own happiness was that you had to accept that you didn't have control over anyone else's. You can't make someone love you. If Brook didn't want to go out with me, then there was nothing I could do about it. I know that sounds like a defeatist approach, but I think what my uncle tried to teach me was that if I was in control of my happiness, then I shouldn't have to rely on Brook, and our relationship, to create my well-being. The pitfall of depending on Brook to make me happy was that if I tied my happiness to her actions, then my emotions would be in constant flux. There was a saying that fits here: you had to like yourself before you could like others.
When Uncle John had explained it to me, I thought he was crazy and told him so. I've always been a romantic at heart and felt that to be happy, I would need someone in my life. I pointed to how happy my parents were. He's laughed at my idealism many times, and every time, he said that I would understand once I gained some life experience. I hated it when he did stuff like that. What he did, though, was give me the bread crumbs to follow, a path to figure it out when I needed to. It might not have made sense then, but I started to see what he had tried to tell me.
Part of being in control of your happiness was deciding how to react to something when it happened. Uncle John had given me a real-life example. We'd gone to town and come back to find that the back window of his truck had been busted out. We found a rock in the passenger seat. I was pissed; I couldn't believe anyone would do something like that. He didn't seem fazed, so I asked him about it. He told me that he felt it was a waste of energy to go postal and discover the evildoer and exact justice. I hated when he used my words against me. He said he had insurance and would get the window fixed. At the time, I couldn't believe his attitude.
This morning I had a choice to make. I could decide whether my life was going to be ruined by Brook's declaration that she needed to think about continuing our relationship or not.
Knowing that it was my choice was empowering. It removed that twisty feeling I'd had in my gut that made me feel like I wasn't in control. Being who I was, that wasn't good. For me, it was like Tami knowing I had a secret and wouldn't tell her. I had a take-charge personality that would slowly self-destruct if I thought I wasn't in charge.
The other key teaching that Uncle John had imparted to me that applied to this situation was the concept of making people wrong. It was natural to want to be right. Anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. It would be too easy for me to start building the case that Brook was wrong in how she was handling this. Believe me, I'd railed against her on the car ride home last night. It was because of that I hadn't gone to her and tried to work things out. In the light of day, that was probably for the best.
My dad had taught me that you praise in public and chastise in private. He took it a step further and said that one of the hardest lessons he'd learned was that when something goes wrong, it mattered how you handled it. He said you could go on the defensive and point out what everyone else had done for the problem to occur, or you could forget about all that, for now, and fix it.
He had put what my uncle had told me into a business example. It was every bit as valid in my personal life. Was I going to point out how Brook was wrong and how we could make everything right if she would just work with me on this? That only reminded me of how quickly I could travel down that rabbit hole and spend days tearing myself up about what Brook had done wrong.
I had to answer two questions honestly. The first was, was it worth all the energy? The second was, how would Brook react to my approach? The second was probably the easier one to riddle out. No one, especially a teenage girl, ever wants to hear that they're wrong. If anyone doesn't believe that, all they have to do is to tell a girl exactly that. I would bet that if I took that path, it was much more likely that she would dump me when I made a jerk of myself.
The first question's answer was equally easy. If my biggest problem was that I didn't have enough time to do what Brook wanted to do, when was I going to find time to worry about this? Don't get me wrong, Brook was worth whatever it took to keep her in my life, and if I knew what she wanted, I would move heaven and earth to make it happen. What I didn't need to do was obsess about the outcome right now. I had to dial it back and show her that I would support whatever decision she made. In the grand scheme of things, this would be merely a blip in my life a couple of years from now. I would ultimately be okay even if she decided to leave me. I'd been single before, and I would bet big money I would be single in the future.
When Duke and I made it back to our block, I still hadn't figured out what I was going to do. My only certainty was that, no matter what, I wanted her to be my friend. With that in mind, I could start to formulate how I wanted this to work out in the end.
I let Duke in the house to go get his morning loving. I found Precious sprawled out on my pillow, sound asleep. That poor cat was about to pop. My best guess was that we would be seeing a litter of kittens by this time next week.
I went and took my shower and felt better than I had in the last couple of days. As for my other big issue, having three more children, I knew that nothing there would be resolved quickly. All I could do was remember that whatever happened, the children were what mattered. If they were mine, I would do whatever was needed to help them. Even if they weren't, I was sure I would get involved.
---
When I got out of the shower, I checked my phone and saw there was a text from Tami. She wanted to video chat before school. I sent her one back, and we were soon online.
"I think we need to play 'Tell Me A Secret,'" Tami said.
I rolled my eyes. We played this every once in a while, if one of us needed a safe way to talk to the other. We'd first played this game when Tami found out her father had another family and didn't want her in his life.
"I suppose you want me to go first?"
"Yes, please."
"I want to go to Ohio State for college even though they might not take both Tim and Wolf," I admitted.
Oh, my God! Tami Glade had been struck dumb. I wasn't sure if she was okay until I saw her blink a couple of times.
"You'd do that?" she asked in disbelief.
"Would you come with me?" I asked.
"I, ah, honestly don't know," she said, and then gathered her wits. "I thought everyone was going to the same place."
"We are. They could walk-on," I said, and the corner of my mouth twitched.
Tami caught it and then sighed.
"We need to talk about this," she said with serious worry in her voice. "I know that you'll end up somewhere that the three of you can play ball together, but it might be time to think about what's best for you."
"So, what's your secret?" I asked.
"I'm not done talking about yours," Tami protested and then glared at me. "And the one you told me has nothing to do with what we really need to talk about."
I made my one-eyebrow move and pointed at the clock on my wall.
"My driver will be here any minute, and I need to get going," I protested.
"Okay, okay. My dad wants to introduce me to his family," she blurted.
