"I feel we've really made some progress today", Connie said as she took her glasses off, setting them on the table.
Nelson sat uncomfortably on the edge of the couch in Connie's office. He refused to lean back against the cushion. This was the third meeting he'd had with his therapist and he still wasn't very comfortable here.
Connie stood from her seat and walked out in front of her desk, leaning on the corner of it. Nelson took note of how carefully she kept her legs together, not allowing him a peek up her skirt.
"You've really opened up this time," she continued. "Especially concerning how you feel about your friend Alice. This is good. It always takes a few appointments before my clients and I can really feel comfortable."
"Uh, thanks."
Alice. Alice was beautiful. Deep crimson red hair, fair skin, and soft features made other women pale in comparison. She had large breasts, but not so that they sagged, and an hourglass figure. He had frequent fantasies about women, which was largely why he was in a therapist's office, but never as frequent or consuming as those of Alice. For the first time in his life, he had decided to tell someone about it and about her. This is where Connie came into the picture. A person who had no connections to his life and was trained to help him with problems. A therapist.
Nelson looked up at Connie. The extra height She gained sitting there forced him to turn his neck up at an awkward angle. Otherwise he would be left staring directly at her chest. He couldn't help but notice how her pinstripe blouse stretched across her large bust. Best not to look for too long.
Connie was a dark skinned beautiful woman of Afro-Jamaican descent. Curves in all the right places and flawless skin.
When Nelson had first come in to see Dr. Dekker, he had ignorantly assumed he would be seeing a male psychiatrist. The sight of a 30-year-old raven-haired beauty had caught him off guard. Her ebony skin was flawlessly wrapped around curvy hips and round shoulders. It was quite a shock, especially considering the reason for his therapy.
"Some doctors don't believe sex addiction is a real thing." She walked up to white board on the wall.
"Is that what you think?" he asked.
"Well...Yes and no. I think these kinds of strong desires are very real. People have a wide variety of sex drives. I believe that some who may be labeled a 'sex addict' have an above average sex drive and less practiced self-control over those desires."
Nelson thought about this for a moment. He'd always had a huge sex drive, but had rarely had the opportunity to use it. In college, he'd had several one-night stands. Not so many girlfriends, however. He couldn't ever seem to make those last. That was part of what bothered him.
"However," Connie continued, "I don't believe it to be detrimental. Sex itself is healthy, and if managed right, can serve to give your life a variety of great experiences. Looking at sex drive as something that needs to be 'cured' is a negative view that can drive people to frustration and depression. You're not a sex addict, Nelson. You just really like sex and you don't get to express that enough."
Connie wrote three words up on the board with a red maker.
"Drive, Desire, Practice." As she spoke each word, she underlined them. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you perceive the strength of your sex drive?"
"Well, probably around an 8 or 9. It's always on my mind. I feel like I have to deliberately distract myself from thinking about sex.
She wrote the number "9" in the drive column.
"You say," she continued, "that you feel a split between how you think your sex life
should
be and reality. You also say you feel a lot of guilt about sex regarding your conservative upbringing."
"That's right." This was what much of their appointment today had covered.
Connie continued writing, under the word "Practice", the words "Porn usage", "Boring sex", "Infrequent", and "Unrequited love". The last one, brought Alice to mind immediately.
"Your goal up to this point has been to try to banish or purge these emotions and desires. Trying to distance yourself from sex has only made your struggle greater. Instead, I want you to focus on how you can bring your practice of sex in line with your desires." She circled the word on the board.
Nelson thought about this for a moment. She had a strong point. People have sex all the time. Nelson wasn't very religious anymore but it was still hard to shake the guilt he'd associated with it all his life.
"I think it might take some time for me to change how I feel about it," he replied.
"Here's what I want you to do." Connie underlined the word "Desires" a few more times, making it stand out. "Make a list for me of all the fantasies, desires, and sexual inclinations you have on a regular basis."
"What?" he asked, not sure how he felt divulging that information.
"Just start by making a list of what turns you on. Types of women you find attractive, what genre of porn you watch, those kinds of things. I want to talk about how you can express these desires in a healthy way instead of keeping them bottled up inside you. And be completely open about it. There are no wrong answers."
"Okay..." Nelson felt an uncomfortable surge of blood rush to his head. He flushed.
"Look." Connie quieted down a bit, taking a step closer. "I can see that this will be a little uncomfortable, especially because I'm a woman."
Nelson grimaced. She was exactly right. Telling this attractive woman how he got off was a nightmare come to life.
"I really feel that being honest with your sexuality to a woman, like myself, will help you get past your hang-ups. However, if you feel like it'll put you more at ease, I can set you up an appointment with John Hobbs in the office next door."
Nelson thought for a moment. "No. I think it took me long enough to get to where I am with you. I'll make the list for our next appointment."
"Great! I guess that's all for today. I'll see you next week."
Nelson stood and walked toward the door. His next task was daunting, but doable. It might be hard to not indulge a bit while compiling his list. Best not to think too much about it now.
When Nelson got home, he saw Ivy's car parked along the curb, a washed out red Taurus half lit by a street lamp.
Great.
He thought. He had been really hoping to kick back and wind down to some B-grade Sci-fi movie. With Phil's girlfriend over they'd have monopolized the TV. He'd likely spend most of his evening holed up in his room on his computer.
Phil was a great roommate and had been Nelson's best friend since Jr. High. Well, apart from Alice. That didn't change the fact that Ivy, Phil's girlfriend of 6 months, was the most infuriating woman he'd ever met.
Nelson was originally extremely jealous of Phil. He'd found Ivy very attractive, until he got to know her. He had also disliked being left dateless while she and Phil went out every weekend. But what really had his blood boiling was her insufferable attitude and obnoxious laugh.
Ivy had this faux-punk attitude that screamed, "I got too much attention from my parents". She lashed out by dying her hair white-blonde and getting a tattoo and belly-button ring. She obviously thought this was enough reason to put on the wounded, sordid-past attitude. But when she laughed, the spoiled brat in her surfaced, undermining her ridiculous, overly-dark eyeliner.
Nelson walked in expecting to find the two of them huddled up on the couch. Instead he found an empty kitchen and living room. No sign of either of them.
I thought I saw both of their cars outside.
Maybe they had gone for a walk or something. Regardless of where they were, Nelson lit up at the possibility of having the living room to himself for the night.
Maybe I'll call Alice up and invite her over for a movie.
Alice, Phil, and Nelson had been a trio of sorts all through high school. Now Nelson was lucky enough not only to room with Phil, but to work with in the same office as Alice.
He'd always found Alice very attractive. Her chestnut red hair, fair skin, and large breasts practically made him drool. A silly fantasy of her wearing sexy lingerie and fucking him on the couch surfaced in his mind. Nelson shook his head banishing the thought.
Just earlier today he had confessed to his therapist about his fantasies. There were many that featured Alice. She was arguably his best friend and he could never bring himself to ruin that. Yet he'd had countless nights alone in his bed thinking about her. The conflict pulled on him, making him feel like a dirt bag.
He pulled out his phone and dialed her anyway.
