It was twelve O'clock in the morning and the alarm wouldn't stop blinking. I rolled over and saw a picture of James.
Suddenly the memory seeped through me and all the pain from that day came flooding through. Why? Why him? Why me?!
I used to think he was the perfect roommate; everybody said I didn't have anything to worry about. I liked him so much, he was such a cool guy. Always willing to spring for pizza or a flick.
After spending all days and nights with him I even felt myself in love. How could I ever imagine I'd hated him like I did now? And how could a small part of me still feel love for him?
As I lay there in the dark, I could not stop the tears from falling; The pain I endured that night hit me so hard that this was the first time since it had happened that I had the opportunity to feel real emotion. I willed the tears to stop but they wouldn't subside. I curled up as small as I could, drawing the covers over my head. I just wish I could disappear or that this chest pounding pain was just a nightmare. I wanted to wake up tomorrow with all of it gone. I yearn for it to go back to normal; to be able to look at him without feeling a disgusting tug in my stomach. My sobs echoed in the dark, empty room.
It seemed like years before the tears were finally gone from my aching eyes. I thought that if I got up and heated some tea I might be able to sleep this night out unlike the others. Not that I'd be of much help. But neither would be staying there as there was no way I could have gone to sleep. So I flung back the blankets and threw my feet over the side of the bed in disgust. I started walking towards the living room when I heard a crashing sound near the kitchen.
All thoughts left but one. James!
No, not him! Dear God, don't let it be him!
I tried to run back but it seemed my legs had grown roots. My breathing became incredibly loud against the darkness, so I leaned in trying to pinpoint the sound. But when I heard another rustling in the kitchen again I willed my legs to move but they just wouldn't give way.
Then I saw my baby coming strutting out of the kitchen, coffee grounds and gravy smoothed on his golden coat, and the meat I threw away earlier dangled from his mouth. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding.
He stopped when he saw me. He looked at me with that half-cocked head turning from side to side as his beady, black eyes pierced through the nights glow to see if he was in trouble. He must have sensed my fear mixed with relief because he whimpered lightly then backed into the front room to gently sit on his bed. I just gaped at him. It's just my Sammy. Breathe Jackie, come on girl, breathe.
Once I was sure I could walk without hitting the floor I headed toward the kitchen. My legs had the type of rubbery shaky feeling that too much exercising brings on. I leaned heavily on the wall as I ventured toward the dark emptiness my baby just abandoned.
As I rounded the corner to the kitchen I spotted the kitchen graffiti Sammy left. The only trash bag I had used to clean the corner of the attic was ripped apart as well as the bag I had used to clean the ice box. A mixture of old, musky, torn clothes and crumpled papers were covered with gravy and coffee grounds. Swirls of colored flour and what was left of Tuesdays' meatloaf scattered from one end to the other.
From the corner beside the ice box, to the door I had spent so much time making curtains for, little paw prints circled the room, and a single paw print was on the bottom of the fridge door. I grabbed another trash bag and started flinging the mess back into it. I couldn't hold my anger down, although it wasn't my baby I was mad at. I had being so glad when I saw him coming through that door, when it could have been anybody...
As I knew there that there was no way I could sleep now, I decided to take a hot shower, get dressed, and later think about what I was going to do the rest of the time till went to Stefan's.
I stood under the shower, hot fingers massaging my back, and all I could do was cry. My tears were washed away by the gentle indexes; I wanted them to wash my pain away too. I stood there till I felt I could again face the cold, empty house.
After I gave Sammy a bath, I went outside and sat on the porch swing. The sun looked beautiful as it stepped above the horizon. The blue and orange collided, making a light violet streak across the otherwise midnight sky. It looked like a painter was miss-striking the painstakingly perfect spot.
When I finally felt relaxed enough to sleep, I pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and curled up beneath it. I looked down at Sammy curled at my feet. It was hard to believe he was almost two. It seemed like time went by so fast at times that you just forget to look around and say, "Hey! I'm a part of this charade too." Then there were times when it went by so slowly you just wish you'd die or become faster than the world. That's mostly when you're younger though. The moments you want to forget stick with you and some you want to remember just vanish.
