Staring At The Sun Ch 05

Chapter 5 – Tuesday

I stared at the golden liquid in my glass, but the beauty of the wine couldn't take away the misery I was feeling. Inside the wine cellar it was cool and dark and I was glad that the light was dim. My face was beginning to show the strains of this holiday and I was certain I'd be returning home looking far older than my years.

Beside me, Richard was holding his wine glass up to the solitary light bulb that shone from the stone ceiling of the cellar. The fierce heat of the day had been left behind when we'd picked this vineyard in the village of Vouvray to spend a few hours tasting wine. We'd had another morning of silence and recriminations and I was now seriously worried that our shaky marriage would not survive this holiday.

Last night, Mike had held me in his arms as I sobbed and sobbed and my husband had appeared on the terrace to witness our embrace. There had been a moment of terrible awkwardness as Mike pulled away from me and held his hands out to Richard.

"I'm sorry, I was just comforting Louise. She seemed so unhappy."

Richard had pushed past him and tried to hold me, but I was so angry with him for deceiving me about the hotel and Jake that I couldn't bear to touch him. Everything now seemed contrived and I wondered just how far back this had been planned.

"I'll go," Mike had said and I watched him as he walked back into the hotel, his shoulders displaying the tension he was no doubt feeling. I'd been surprised when he'd appeared and comforted me, but that seemed his natural response to my sadness. He hadn't said anything, just held me and let me cry, but I could sense his sympathy and his concern.

It felt so good to be held like that with no questions asked. No attempt to offer advice or interfere with what was going on with my marriage and although we hardly spoke, there was a wealth of understanding that had never been between Richard and me in all our years of being together.

After Mike had left, I went up to the room, while Richard went back to say goodnight. He hadn't asked what the matter was and it was a good hour before he reappeared, his breath smelling of the brandy he'd been drinking and the cigars that had no doubt been smoked and enjoyed.

I pretended to be asleep and I felt him get into bed, his breathing suddenly turning heavy as he fell asleep. I lay awake most of the night, feeling again the sensation of Mike's arms around me, his spicy scent and the wonderful knowledge that, somehow and so unexpectedly, he was there for me.

Over breakfast in the morning we didn't see either Jake or Mike, and Richard told me that they were having an early start before heading home. Jake was still looking forward to welcoming us to his house and I accepted the news with a sudden sense of defeat. I no longer cared about anything any more. I just longed for this holiday to be over so we could return home and sort out the mess that was our lives. I missed the children unbearably and yearned for my mother's presence. Never had I felt so alone with my husband, and so vulnerable.

Now, as we tasted the beautiful wine in silence, there was a deep feeling of tension between us and I could sense Richard's suspicions about Mike and why he had been holding me. The days ahead of us, already uncomfortable, were now verging on the unbearable as Mike had confirmed he'd be there too, his presence causing a shiver of anticipation to run through me like an electric shock.

"You want a case of this?"

I looked at Richard as he picked up the bottle of Vouvray and examined the label. "No, just a few bottles will be fine."

"We'll get a case," he said shortly and made to go back up the cellar steps. I followed him in resignation, tears pricking the back of my eyes.

"I'll buy it."

He turned to look at me in surprise. "What did you say?"

"I said, I'll buy it. I enjoy the wine more than you do, so I'll buy it."

"What with?"

"My savings. I transferred some money into my own account before we came on holiday. To buy the kids some presents."

"Don't be silly. I'm buying, Louise."

I thought of the money in my account and wondered how long it would last us if our credit cards were no longer accepted. Maybe it would be a good thing to happen. We could cut short this disastrous holiday and just go home.

Upstairs in the shop, Richard ordered a case of the 2000 vintage. "Oh, and I'll have a case of the '96 as well, please."

"But, Richard..."

"What's the matter? You wanted some wine, didn't you?"

"Yes, but not two cases! A couple of bottles would have been enough!"

"Two please," he confirmed, taking his wallet out of his pocket and ignoring my words completely.

A feeling of terrible frustration filled me, swiftly followed by one of panic. As the female member of staff took Richard's credit card, the group of fellow Brits who had been tasting in the cellar with us, made their way up to the shop as well, their loud voices shattering the peace around us. I dreaded our card being refused now, how embarrassing it would be to fumble around and find another way of paying, how they would know what the problem was.

But I held my breath, the card went through and Richard helped the woman carry the cases out to the car. The boot was now full of boxes and I knew that when we got home, I wouldn't be able enjoy the wine. It would have too many bad memories.

"Lunch, I think."

I agreed and we drove back to Amboise in silence, the unspoken questions hovering between us.

*

"Richard, we need to talk about our money situation."

We were seated in a pretty courtyard, the scent of flowers filling the air and a bottle of rose wine open on the table. Our starters had been cleared and Richard had just finished talking to my father on his mobile, the sudden call making both of us jump with nerves.

"What's there to talk about?"

"I want you to call the credit card company and check the balance available."

"Why?"

"Because every time you use it I'm convinced that it's going to be declined."

"Louise, I know what I'm doing. Just relax, for God's sake! The limit's about fifteen grand. We haven't spent that much yet."

"We need to sort out what we're going to do when we get home. What did my father want?"

He took a long sip of wine and sighed. "Just something about a new customer we managed to win before I left. Just a minor detail."

"Where does Jake fit into all this?"

My husband took another sip and managed to avoid looking at me. "Why are you convinced Jake is the bad guy? He told me last night that you were a bit off with him when he met you in the car park."

I was stunned. "So you all sat there and discussed me, did you? Poor little Louise, she's in such a state at the moment. I can just imagine it!"

"There you go again! For heaven's sake, relax! Jake's just an old friend who, very generously, is offering to put us up for almost a week and give us a good time. I don't know what your bloody problem is."

"I don't trust him."

"Well you certainly trusted Mike, didn't you?"

So there, the accusation was out. All day we'd been skirting around the subject, but now it was in the open and I felt myself slowly exhale as I looked at my husband.

"You don't understand, do you?"

"Understand what?"

"How, by just being there for me, he made me feel so much better."

Richard narrowed his eyes. "You looked bloody cosy to me. And why were you crying?"

I hesitated. How could I begin to tell him that in his and Jake's company I felt so ignored and belittled. How I was crying tears of frustration and anger, and that instinctively, Mike knew just how I was feeling?

"Jake just seems to bring out the worst in me."

"He doesn't normally cause that reaction in women."

I felt myself blush under his stare and thought back to the other night when I'd fantasised about making love to Jake. How I still felt a small part of that attraction, despite my dislike of him and my new feelings for Mike.

"He's dangerous. I just don't know how to act when he's around."

"Nonsense. There's nothing wrong with him. That's just the way he is."

I fiddled with my napkin and looked away. I could still feel Mike's arms around me and yearned to feel them again. Last night I'd finally drifted off to sleep but not before I'd thought about him making love to me, his kisses covering my face and breasts...

"I never thought I'd see you in the arms of another man, though."

"I was just upset. Missing the children and still in shock after what you said about the house."

"It'll be sorted. I know it will."

Our main courses arrived and I spread my napkin back over my lap, my hands shaking slightly with nerves. I felt queasy and looking at the slices of duck breast before me, I knew I wouldn't be able to eat much at all.

"What's going on with us?" Richard said quietly and I looked up in surprise. "It's not like you to let another man hold you like that. In all our years together, I've never known that before."

We looked at each other and I could see the pain and hurt in his eyes. Guilt flooded through me as I thought back to last night, how good it felt to be held by Mike and that, if it had been Richard who'd attempted to comfort me, I'd have pushed him away.

"I know I haven't been around much just lately, but I was only trying to run the business without involving you."

"Why didn't you tell me what was going on? I'm still part of the company, Richard. I'm not stupid!"

"I know that," he said. "I was trying to do too much."

He put his hand out and placed it over mine but all I felt was resentment. "Don't you think that we could have worked this out together? Even my mother kept the truth from me."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry."

"Before we had the children I used to run the place with you. I didn't lose my brain when I had them, you know."

He sighed heavily and picked at the fillet of beef on his plate. "Louise, I know that. But you just seemed to have so much to do with the kids and I didn't want to add to your worries. We all thought it best if you just concentrated on the house and the children while we ran the business."

"Did you ever think about asking my opinion? I would love to have had more of an input into what was going on."

"But you were so busy...every night you looked shattered. How could I discuss things with you when you were so obviously exhausted by the kids?"

I thought back to the last couple of years and had to admit I always seemed to be tired. The sheer boredom of being cooped up all day with the children who thrived on being demanding had taken its toll on me and I remembered all the nights Richard had arrived home and I'd been too tired to even talk to him.

"We could have taken on help with the children if things had been that bad. Put them in a Nursery or employed a Nanny. I didn't know that you needed help."

We sat in silence, both thinking back over the years and the lapses in communication that would have perhaps averted this crisis in our marriage. Was it too late now to go back and try and change things? Or were the cracks in our marriage far too deep to ever be mended?

*

No more was said at lunch and after we finished the meal, I left Richard to go and look around the town. Amboise was bursting with quaint little shops and I saw so much that I wanted to buy, but managed to restrain myself. There was no way I could spend money like I used to, but I enjoyed being on my own, the freedom of strolling around the picturesque town a welcome change from the tension of the day.

Turning a corner I came across a small bar and sank into a chair to enjoy a cup of coffee and do a spot of people watching. The place was busy but I attracted the attention of a waiter and ordered a large café au lait with a slice of chocolate cake to go with it. I felt wonderfully decadent, but I decided it was just what I needed to relax with, the situation managing to make me feel happier as I sat alone and watched the people all around me.

It was so rare that I was alone these days. At home the children were a constant presence and although they were at school during the day, I was often out shopping or running errands and the thought of a few hours by myself just soaking up the atmosphere of this pretty town was a welcome balm to my spirits.

The sun was out and I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes, half-listening to the sounds of the old town around me. Women indulging in the same sort of treat as me chattered non-stop and I had a sudden urge to have a female friend with me, someone who I could confide in and talk over the problems. I thought back to the acquaintances I had at home and realised that there were few people who I could share my feelings with. My mother was a friend as well as a relative, but in the small exclusive village where we lived, the image of doing well at all costs seemed to be of the utmost importance and to admit that you were having problems was just never discussed.

At school, I chatted with the other mothers, but there was no-one who I was able to sit down with over a glass of wine and share confidences with. Another woman to giggle with, cry with and confide in.

Just as the waiter brought me my coffee, my mobile phone rang, the noise making me jump with nerves. Glancing at the screen, I didn't recognise the number and answered cautiously.

"Louise? It's Mike..."

I felt my heart suddenly hammer in my chest as I heard his voice, his deep tones making my pulse race.

"How are you today? I was so worried about you yesterday."

"I'm fine, Mike. Thanks so much for last night. I didn't mean to do that."

"Of course not. It just happens. Did your husband say anything?"

I paused. I couldn't really recount my conversation with Richard and his obvious suspicion, but Mike needed to know that my behaviour had caused a reaction. "My husband was surprised, I must admit. He'd never seen me in the arms of another man before."

"I'm sorry, Louise. You just seemed so upset and Jake was being so bloody arrogant at dinner. He's always like that when he's had a drink. No excuse I know, but he can be an idiot at times, and I'm speaking as his best friend! He laughed and I smiled. There was no mistaking the affection between the two men and I hardly expected Mike to bad mouth Jake.

"Look, Louise. I just want you to know that you're welcome at Jake's house. He's really looking forward to you both coming to stay. He's arranged no end of outings and dinners and I must admit I'm looking forward to seeing more of you, too."

I held my breath as he continued. "I think you and Richard need to relax for a few days and there's no better place than Jake's house. You'll get on well with Jilly, too. She's great."

"Did Jake ask you to call me?"

"No, of course not. I just sensed the tension between you both last night and wanted to make you feel better. Richard mentioned that you sometimes felt uncomfortable staying with friends."

"What else did my husband mention, Mike?"

He laughed softly. "Nothing, Louise. We just chatted a bit, drank a bit too much brandy and then he said goodnight. It would have been great if you'd been there to keep us in order."

I smiled but still felt anger at Richard for discussing me behind my back. I had a feeling they all saw me as a hysterical female, my behaviour prompting mentions of mid-life crises and female problems.

"What time are you leaving tomorrow?"

"Straight after breakfast," I replied. "It's a long drive."

"Yes, it is. Go careful. Having just met you I'd like to get to know you more."

His words caused a twist of desire to shoot through me again and I stammered over my reply. "Oh...thanks. Will your wife be there as well?"

He laughed. "I'm not married but my girlfriend will be there, yes. She's lovely too, you'll get on with her, I'm sure."

His words were like a stab of disappointment. Had I misjudged his feelings last night? And was I so desperate for affection that I latched onto whoever was available?

"Ok, Louise, I have to run, I'll see you both tomorrow. Give my regards to Richard."

I said goodbye and hung up, but the mood of relaxation had disappeared and I felt a vague restlessness descend on me, the chocolate cake now the last thing I wanted. I drained my coffee, left some euros on the table and left, fighting the desire to call my mother and speak to the children. All I craved was some normality back in my life. Things seemed to be out of my control at the moment and I felt myself being swept along on a tide of change without any idea of how I was going to stop.

*

Back at the hotel, Richard was lying on the bed asleep, a football match playing by itself on the television set. I glanced at him and studied his face which I knew so well. He looked more relaxed in sleep and I wondered whether he was as worried about the state of our finances as I was. Did he have a secret plan that I knew nothing about?

Edging around the bed I decided to start packing and lifted the suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe. The noise woke Richard who stared at me in incomprehension for a second.

"What time is it?"

I looked at my watch and was surprised to see it was almost six o'clock. "Do you want to go down to the bar for a drink?"

"Maybe," he muttered, yawning and running his fingers through his hair. "Why don't you join me here for a minute?"

"I'm going to pack, Richard. I thought you wanted an early start tomorrow?"

He stared at me and I saw a look of irritation pass over his face. "Leave it, Louise. We can do it later."

"We? Don't you mean me?"

"I'll help you. Come here for a minute..."

I ignored him and carried on folding clothes to put in the suitcase. "I spoke to Mike this afternoon. He called me on my mobile."

"Oh yes? And what did he have to say?"

"That Jake was looking forward to us staying with him. That he'd planned a lot of things for us to do."

"So?"

"Well, that's unusual isn't it? He didn't know we were coming until a few days ago so how could he arrange all these things so suddenly?"

Richard sighed again and sat up. "No matter what I say you're going to suspect him of some wrongdoing aren't you?"

"I can't help it. I keep feeling that he knows more than he's letting on and that you and he arranged this whole trip without me knowing."

"How could I have arranged to meet him like that at Dover? We were supposed to have been on the early evening ferry."

I hesitated. "Well, you could have mentioned to me that you knew someone in the Dordogne during the holiday."

Richard stood and stretched. "Now, you're being silly and neurotic."

"Am I? Are you sure this isn't just an elaborate plan to meet up with Jake and get him to put up some money to save the business?"

"If that was the case, why didn't I just meet up with him at home? Why go to all the trouble of meeting him on holiday?"

I shrugged. I'd had enough of all the questions and worries going around and around in my head. I wanted to stop thinking about Jake, the business, our money worries.

Richard came to stand behind me and put his arms around my waist. I stiffened and he sensed my rejection. "What's up?"

"Nothing," I replied, pulling away and putting the clothes into the case. "I'm just tired, that's all."

"Come and lay down then."

My husband's tone was persuasive and I felt a sudden stab of irritation. He seemed to be able to switch his worries on and off while I couldn't stop thinking about the days ahead and how we were going to get through them.

"Louise, for heaven's sake, stop fussing with that and come here."

I sighed and turned to face Richard who was lying on the bed, his robe open slightly. I could see his erection and he was looking at me, a strange expression on his face.

"I want a shower, Richard. I feel grubby in this heat."